Hell’s Kitchen: Afraid of My Russianness

After a non-elimination in part one, part two sees the 100th dinner service celebration in Hell’s Kitchen, with the chefs who have zero chance of  pulling off — But this time with a black-tie audience. That must be what it feels like to be Meryl Streep’s competition at the Oscars. No chance of coming out a winner, and all those people in tuxes to look at you with pity.

And now the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen– Rob is returning to the blue dorms, even though he doesn’t understand why he up for elimination. He thinks Russell threw him under the bus. He wants to beat some sense into that fanged menace.

Elsewhere on the Hellmouth…

Speaking of menace, Jillian is squeaking out her explanation for nominating Sabrina who has returned from the firing squad yet again.

NaughtyChef wants to know why Betty Brows voted for her and Jillian can only explain it by saying that she didn’t know who else to vote for. Sabrina doesn’t seem the logic in that Brows doesn’t press forward with her line of logic.

“I kinda want to make her feel better but if not, that’s cool too I really don’t care…” says Jillian.

Sabrinnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaa…

Brows has now fully joined forces with the anti-Sabrina brigade and tells NoNeck and Gail that Sabrina wouldn’t have gotten this far without them. “Let her sink,” says Nona.

Muahaha.

Another day dawns on the City of Angels and our little demons are filing out of the dorms after an early morning wake-up call from Chef Scott. Ramsay has them brought to a local market where he introduces a new challenge. Each team with have $60 to shop for ingredients for four dishes, a beef, a pork, a lamb, and a chicken dish.

It’s a chicken in a duck in a turkey, it’s turducken. Not an allowable substitution.

They have 30 minutes to shop. Gail and Jillian will be pairing up on one dish to even the teams.

You know what would even the teams? Eliminating two of these douche-balloons every episode.

The teams are off and even in the grocery store they’re supervised by Ramsay’s sous-chefs, can’t trust them with pasta or shopping carts, who knows what they’ll destroy.

If I was forced to guess, I’d say the cereal aisle and a couple of boom mics.

The red team is off without much of a commotion, and they easily decide who is paired with which protein. Blue is taking a different approach and instead of discussing who has which meat, Russell is power walking through the aisle with his eye fixed on some Holy Grail of cuisine and annoyed that his team mates are not keeping pace. Vinny wants to go to another aisle, Boris has discovered the produce section and is wandering his RUSSIAN ass over to stacks of brightly colored fruit never found behind the iron curtain. (Totes, angelbayyb!!!)

Russell is pushing the blue cart and muttering to himself that shopping with his team is like shopping with three children. “Protein, protein, Vinny, come back, come back,” Blondula chants as Jumpstreet pauses to look at The Count over his should then bolt for the sugary cereals and soda aisle.

Count Chocula!

Russell continues to try to lead the discussion on all four plates, from all four chefs, as Team Red has more than three voices speaking over the din. It’s Sabrina’s voice that isn’t heard. Instead of making a decision on her dish, she’s trying to ask her team’s permission to make her lamb dish — lamb and lentils.

Come to order, bitches.

As the ladies of the red team are placing their orders at the butcher’s counter, Sabrina is pacing in the background, pouting and pulling the straps of her stroller instead of going out and getting herself the ingredients she needs for her dish.

Finally Ramsay’s sous chefs begin to usher the two teams to the check out and Sabrina decides she’s just going to get the lentils she wants. The $6 lentils she wants. They must be at Whole Foods. Where else would you pay $6 a bag for shit most people only use for kids crafts?

The women are at the cashier and they’re over, nearly $6. Coincidence?

Absolutely not.

Trev concedes a chicken breast instead of forcing Sabrina to give up half of her dish concept and the men (led by a surprisingly frugal Blondula) are also on budget and headed out of the market.

Chill out, there’s no roulette this week.

As the cheftestants amble back into the dining room, the Hell’s Kitchen announcer says that this challenge is meant to test the contestants’ abilities to create high-end cuisine from classic ingredients. Meaning can they do more with a fine cut of beef than they can with a deep fryer and gallon of lard?

Depends who you ask.

As the announcer finishes his speech about the plates worthy of a fine dining experience, the camera finds Sabrina, who is starting a wee-tiny grease fire.

Save the LENTILS!

“I’m a good cook and I deserve to be here,” Sabrina spits out as her team members watch her navigate the stove top flare up. Sabrina, a good cook who deserves her place in Hell, has chosen lentils which take 45 minutes to cook and they chef are only allocated 45 minutes to finish these plates. Jillian and Gail offer to help NaughtyChef, but she’s out to prove herself to Ramsay.

On the blue side, Russell is busy executing his four part vision.“Rob, have you seasoned your puree?” he snaps, as he circles the kitchen checking the progress of the blue class.  Either this guy has this show already won, or his team is going to strangle him with his apron before the final four. I can’t tell.

Blondula is riding Rob particularly hard as the challenge comes to an end. Ramsay says that he has an esteemed panel of judges coming in to judge — including Top Chef defector Mark Peel, guide book writer Zsa Zsa, food blogger Daria Morgendorffer and Zsa Zsa’s child with Gordon Gecko , this guy who does something at Nobu. The judges will try each dish and assign a menu value to it.

$6.99 if it comes with a large soda.

The team with the highest valued menu wins. Sabrina is intimidated, she tells the camera, “These are like legitimate judges,” usually the toughest critics Sabrina has to contend with are yelling their complaints into the clown’s mouth.

These people look ready to drive around…

So the beef dishes are up first and they’ll be judged by Zsa Zsa. Nona presents her plate and Zsa likes the taste, but she thinks the presentation can be refined, the broccoli is left on the plate in large… um, trees? And it’s not pleasing to the eye. Rob is presenting his for Blue and again Zsa Zsa says the beef is good but the garnish is overpowering, too many onions thrown on top of the NY strip.

Take that to the … same day check cashing place.

Zsa Zsa assigns Red a price of $32 and Blue the price of $26, putting Red out to a big lead that the men struggle to make up.

Next up is Mark judging Boris and Gail (and Jillian)’s pork dishes. Boris overcooks his pork and the ladies widen the gap, $28 for women and $26 for men.

Russell is presenting his chicken cacciatore (with undercooked potatoes) to Daria, alongside Trev’s chicken dish and is able to close the gap between the teams’ totals. Blue is awarded $26 and Red $22.

Russell is congratulating himself on putting the men back in the game. Jumpstreet’s lamb dish has to surpass the Sabrina’s by $4 in order to secure a Blue victory. Gecko will be judging Battle: Lamb as NaughtyChef and Jumpstreet present their dishes. Although Gecko says that he wouldn’t normally order a dish with lentils, Red’s dish is nice and Vinny’s dish is … not worth it. It’s aesthetically not pleasing. Sabrina is so happy she pulled the stepping stool out from under Vinny that she cries.

I’ll put out all the fires I start with tears of joy.

Vinny was confident he can beat the most inexperienced person on the red team, but he doesn’t and the men will be fumigating the HK kitchens as the women are off to sail into the sunset for a dinner at salsa restaurant and dance club, Maya.

So the men clean the dining rooms and kitchen in preparation for the black tie dinner service tomorrow night. Back in the dorms the men are fuming over the challenge loss. Russell is quick to point out that he pulled his weight and that he’s being punished for every other member of the team under-performing. Rob is annoyed and tells his team, “Just mentally, I’m going to lose my mind.” Good thing your fatass has  mind off its own or else you really would be screwed.

Vinny is so embarrassed that Sabrina owns his ass.

He considers turning in the risers for his professional clogs…

The red team is celebrating on a boat and Sabrina is happy that she’s getting credit for the win. They celebrate by dancing into the restaurant to the salsa band.

They’re on a boat.

They’re a the cast of Weekend at Bernie’s?

Back in Hell, the blue team is wrapping up the kitchens in preparation for the fumigation. Rob is contributing by pounding his fist and looking angry with the bugs!

I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt!

No, he’s mad at the red team for stealing his win, and possibly Zsa Zsa for not knowing as much as a Law Firm chef from Massapequa, NY that prepares more sandwiches and frappuccinos than plated dishes.

Trev is at the table with the winning team and happy to have his space on the team, he says “it turns out that this is exactly where I need to be, I’m sorry I didn’t think so right off the bat.”

I used to think you all were useless…

“Shut up,” Jillian tell the camera, she resents that Trev thought less of the women, they’ve been winning and it hasn’t been because of Pointdexter.

The blue team has suited up and are ready to start spraying… Vinny is more concerned with.. yup, Rob split his pants. After one verse of “Fat guy in a hazmat suit,” Rob is almost able to laugh it off when Red returns to the kitchen.

Jillian notices that Rob looks pissed, but she doesn’t care, she’s turning in early to prepare for another win.

The teams are in the kitchen the following day prepping for the black tie dinner service. Russell promises to shove his foot up someone’s ass tonight, because he’s sick of losing. He’s going to spend prep time harassing each and every member of the blue team.

They’re going to get my Transylvanian foot up their ass.

Boris is the first target. Instead of working on his own station Russell jumps on Boris for talking to Vinny. Boris defends himself by saying, “you’re trying to play the boss, you’re trying to be big Willy, but it’s not constructive.” Even on the heels of that solid argument Russell is not ready to back down and continues to bitch at Boris as he preps the fish station. Russell thinks Bull needs to step his game up, or get his ass kicked back to Russia.

Russell is on the Russia comments again, either he has just discovered Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, or he is just another Cold War kid that has been convinced by GI Joe cartoons that Russia=Hell.

In the red kitchen Trev is having meltdown not seen on television since… well since the last episode of Jersey Shore, “I’m an ignoramus and I’m just going to f&^% everything up,” he says when Sabrina offer to help him prep. Trev has established himself as the Angelina and he’s having a hissy because he’s tired and not appreciated by his team.

I’m a single girl, I do what I want.

“Maybe he’s on his period…” Jillian says as Trev wanders around the kitchen like a 16year old on punishment. He’s fuming more than a ladies only cab ride home from Klutch — and he has to shake it off because prep time is over and Ramsay is calling them outside to great the VIPs that will be attending Hell’s Kitchen 100th dinner service.

Ramsay points out that the Good Year blimp will be circling LA tonight announcing the milestone in reality show history. And! There will be special guests in the chefs tables in each kitchen.

Sabrina really hopes it’s going to be Diddy, but since that last VIPs that populate the Red’s chef table combined didn’t equal half a Kelly Ripa, I really doubt they be pulling Diddy for the night. Not, it’s former winners of Hell Kitchen. The ones that aren’t actually working in a restaurant that night, themselves.

So emerging from the limo is Rock, Christina, Danny and Holly, all past winners, all present losers.

By the way, each commercial break is punctuated by an epic meltdown in Hell’s Kitchen history. Past recappers have done an excellent job of covering them, so I’ll just say that the four meltdowns shown are adults who are trained in this industry and have a mental breakdowns when they discover they’ll be in a kitchen.

Ramsay reiterates that “to be a part of that elite group” they need to have an exceptional dinner service tonight. Betty Brows tears up as she says that she’s watched every season and drawn inspiration from the winning chefs. That’s the difference between us and Jillie, where she sees inspiration we see cheap humor and large insurance premiums.

Ramsay has James open the doors to Hell’s Kitchen and the no-names file in. But now there’s a string quartet.

Sabrina brings out caviar to all the diners as Ramsay announces the first tickets to the blue kitchen. Boris says that he’ll have his components ready in 8 minutes and Blondula isn’t satisfied. “We can make that 5 minutes,” he tells Ramsay speaking for his teammates and seemingly making a rash decision that will ultimately sink his team. So instead of focusing on his station Boris is now embroiled in a timing debate with Blondula and they finally settle on 6 minutes, at least 2 minutes later.

Rob also comes to the fake rescue and commandeers the appetizer station to save Boris from himself and his Russianness.

You’re just afraid of my Russianness.

Nona’s confidence is a little shaky on apps and turns to Gail to ask if she can reuse the risotto, and Gail says yes. So NoNeck makes the same mistake Jumpsteet make the week before, but otherwise has a strong start.

Thirty minutes into dinner service the VIPs enter the dining room and stop to admire the cake that has been decorated with stills from past seasons.

It that Ramsay throwing rancid crab in your face? Gorgeous.

The former HK chefs are experiencing the dining room for the first time. Rock and Christina are seated in the blue kitchen and their arrival is marked by a flare-up by Boris, he still doesn’t have the timing down and Ramsay is running him through times tables trying to get him to the answer “what goes into the oven first”. Through a curtain of sweat Boris riddles out the correct answer and he’s off as Christina gasps, “well don’t just stand there!” As Ramsay crouches into attack position and grunts, “juts f&^%ing focus.” To a clearly shaky Bull, who does get out the apps.

If it wasn’t so warm, you could see the smoke coming out of his nostrils.

The men move on to entrees.

NoNeck has finished apps and Red also moves on to entrees, except that the braggart Trev can’t provide the garnish.

Trev: I didn’t say go, I got to make the ragu real quick.
Jillian: It doesn’t have ragu — it’s salmon.

Does it have dipping sauce?

Betty Brows watches Trev screw the gnocchi, the squash and anything else he can get his spindly hands on. Gail delivers meat to the pass and Trev has no garnish, Gail delivers chicken to the pass and Trev has no garnish. Despite having worked garnish in the past, Trevor is lost. He brings up gnocchi that Sabrina, succinctly, but accurately describes as “a big-ass booger.” Ramsay watches the pathetic dance on garnish for several minutes before he stops the red team and calls them together.

“What night is this?” he bellows. “Is that the most important gnocchi you’ve ever made?”

That looks like the most peculiar BM you’ve ever made.

Ramsay wants Trev to pull it together, but is distracted by plates being returned to the blue kitchen. Jumpstreet has over cooked the lobster.

Back in Red, Jillian has perfectly cooked lobster that is sitting useless as Trev can’t finish the garnish. He’s so desperate he looks to Sabrina for help, “Don’t get on my ass right now, help me.” Luckily NoNeck waddles over, she’s in a good place and able to get in on the garnish action and assist Trev. As Ramsay notices that three people are currently in garnish, Ramsay sends Gail into the fray to complete his ladies of the red kitchen clusterfuck.

Petit Jumpstreet finishes the lobster and now it’s time to serve the VIPs, Boris is ready with the Wellingtons for Rock and Christina and cannot get out his complement for the reigning winners of Hell’s Kitchen because he’s drown out by Ramsay screaming at Rob. Rob didn’t hear a complete ticket and asks Blondula to repeat it. Blondula ignores Rob and consequently Rob misses a chicken… “If you’re that fat and can’t walk five steps to the pass…” Blondula say, “then I have no words for you.”

Back in Red, Trev still hasn’t gotten a hold of the garnish station, despite Jillian’s assistance. Ramsay kicks Trev out of the kitchen. Trev says he’s supposed to be the guy that can do anything.  “They’re expecting Superman and Clark Kent showed up,” sighs Trev. Clark Kent whose Rogaine was replaced with kryptonite. Ugh.

The woman are able to finish service quite nicely, without the superhero. In fact they’re doing so well that when the entire blue team has gotten kicked out of the kitchen, after a particularly disappointing lobster tail and chicken serving, Red swoops into their kitchen and completes Blue’s tables.

Kiss my English ass goodbye.

Trev returns to the kitchen after James comes outside and tells him that Chef Ramsay isn’t looking for a wimp. Trev tells the camera, “what am I supposed to do, just leave sitting there by themselves?”

Women=helpless.

No, he’s gotten out of their way long enough for them to finish service.

The men are called back to the site of their dinner service defeat and Ramsay breaks the news that they’re the losing team. He sends them upstairs to decide on two nominees. As the blue team stares at the ground, Red is celebrating. Trev feels left out. “You weren’t trying to help you were trying to be a bitch.” He snaps at Sabrina when she confronts him.

The men are debating their choices… Boris is a no-brainer, Rob thinks they all suck. The second nominee votes are split between Rob and Vinny. Jumpstreet thinks Blob sunk him by not giving him times.

Rob is called upon to name the nominees. He sputters and eventually admits that the votes were split between him and Vinny so Ramsay calls all three up, but eventually puts Boris out of his misery.

In the most graceful departure of the season, Boris leaves saying “I go home with no regrets and I leave here inspired.”

Aww, buh-bye Bull.

Ramsay, the king of the tease, realizes he’s not finished. Trev, “get your ass up here.”

To Be Continued…

So it seems that Fox is casting for the NEXT season of Hell’s Kitchen and they’ve been burning episodes because they will be running post season baseball the next few weeks. We have a break. And!!! Since Fox is still at a stand off with Cablevision, I don’t even have access to the series first-run. Happy to report that my Halloween weekend getaway will coincide with the break in the series, so I look forward to taking a couple weeks off and then picking up the conclusion of season 8 in November– New episode November 10. I can remind you via Twitter,  no worries.

Any readers who will be celebrating Halloween in West Hollywood, I’ll be seeing you there. Look for a pretty brunette girl in a chef’s jacket and brow ridges Sharpied on her forehead.

Kidding… maybe.