Hell’s Kitchen: And Then There Were Two

Last week, no one got kicked off and everyone’s families came to visit. Trev’s little sister came, because he obviously doesn’t have a girlfriend or anything. Who could tolerate him? Side note: she’s prettier than I would’ve expected.

Clearly, one of them got the better portion of the gene pool.

Nona’s happy about her family coming. Jillian lives in a basement in her boyfriend’s mom’s house, and would like to leave. She has two boys, too, and she wants to give them the lives that they deserve. AKA living in a place where they can see the sunlight.

Two are being eliminated tonight, and Trev doesn’t care who…as long as it’s not him. Challenge time. Rams says it’s one of the most sophisticated HK challenges ever. Unfortunately, it’s being waster on this bunch of classless idiots. Each chef has to create a fusion dish from two different cuisines. And no Nona, chicken and waffles doesn’t count as fusion.

Mmmm waffles…

Jillian doesn’t cook anything but “like American food.” That’s right, you cook LIKE American food, not the real thing. The countries’ foods that they have the option of ruining are India, Greece, Spain, Thailand, China, Italy, France, and Mexico.

Jillian is nervous because she only eats hot dogs, hamburgers, biscuits, and gravy. And this is the woman who wants to be a chef. Unless she’s aiming to be executive chef at Fuddruckers, I think she should start looking for a new profession. Each chef has to pull 2 flags out of the 8 and create their dish from those cuisines in 45 minutes. Nona pulls Greece and Italy, probably the easiest combination possible. They’re practically neighbors, after all. Although Canada and America are neighbors, and I can’t even name one similarity between the two.  Jill gets Spain and Thailand.

Interesting doesn’t always mean good. Especially in the food world.

Russell gets France and India. Trev gets China and Mexico. Ramsey has to be able to recognize the contribution from each country in the dish, so basically they can’t hide the weird ingredients in a sauce or something. Russell says, “This is the challenge for the real chefs.” I guess only Ramsey and Chef Scott are competing then, because lord knows none of the competitors are “real” chefs. Jillian takes forever to pick what she wants to use, because she doesn’t know what half the ingredients are. Ex: cockles, mung beans.

No Jillian, cockles have nothing to do with penises.

Nona is using shrimp and mussels, and Russell duck and foie gras.

I swear, if that’s not the nastiest, turd-lookingest piece of duck I’ve ever seen…

He says he’s using foie gras cuz it’s so clearly French, but Rams wonders where the Indian aspect is. Russell weakly says it’s in the marmalade. Well, we all know what’s going to be wrong with his dish. At 15 minutes in Jill doesn’t think her beans will be done, so she goes for rice instead. Trev says some weird “Hi, my name is Trevor,” thing, like he’s at an AA meeting, and says, “Let’s see what we can’t come up with.” Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure he can’t come up with anything, although he’s probably made some poor woman’s lunch come up before. Trev sets something on fire at his station, and Rams brings him a fire extinguisher. Oh Gordon, you’re such a joker.

Ramsey tells him to “watch his hair.” Or maybe he said “wash your hair.” I would prefer the latter.

Ok judging time. Let’s see how they’ve destroyed these countries’ cuisines. They introduce the three judges, who are all fusion experts. How exciting. Trev is first, with a carne asada “sweetened” with Chinese spices.

I call it “Spangrish Steak”

All the chefs call it bland, even though Trev was saying earlier how flavorful and spicy it was going to be. Nona made a rustic seafood ragout with mussels and shrimp. She used maraschino cherries in her pasta sauce, because I for one like my Shirley temple in my food, not with it. Her critique is that she might have used too many ingredients and it tasted almost more like 2 separate dishes. At least it tasted good, which is more than they can say for some of the others.

I call it “Gritalian Pasta”

Russell made duck and foie gras with curry powder and tamarind syrup. They say there wasn’t enough Indian spice, the duck was overcooked, it was missing the complete fusion, and the duck was cut too thickly. So much for the “real” chef.

I call it “Frindian Duck a la Suck”

This is the look he gives the judges after they insult his food. It’s his “Haven’t you heard I’m gangsta and going to kill you in your sleep?” look

Jillian says it’s the most important challenge of her life. She made white rice, marinated shrimp in spicy mayo and soy bean curd, and some chorizo. Oh plot twist, they all love Jillian’s dish! It was pretty easy to tell it was going to be good, the way they spent so much time talking about how Jillian didn’t know what she was doing. They call it a “Thai paella,” which she says is exactly what she was going for. I call BS. The girl who doesn’t eat anything that’s not on a Cracker Barrel menu knows what a paella is? Please.

I call it “Spailand’s paella”

Since no one had any complaints about Jillian, she’s obviously the winner and gets to go to lunch with Ramsey while the rest of them move their shit out of the dorms into a smaller space for the 4 of them. Because they’re going in a limo, Jillian has to wear her “expensive tall girl shoes.” She needs shoes to match her classy clown make up, after all. Meanwhile, she wears a cheap mall zip-up sweatshirt to complete the ensemble.

The shoes are nice, that’s enough to look sophisticated right?

Trev wah wah wahs about having to do the moving. Russell compares him to a zit on his ass that he wants to pop. Oh god, never talk about your ass again, please. Baaaad mental images. When Jillian arrives at the restaurant, her family is there. Her sons both have eyebrows, so I guess it’s not a genetic trait.

Where did mommy’s eyebrows go?

Russell attempts and fails to carry 2 mattresses at the same time, like the cocky loser he is. While prepping the kitchen, Russ complains about how Trev’s doing everything. Jillian comes back, and only Nona welcomes her. Both Jill and I hope they are the two to make it to the final, because I can’t take any more of the immature bickering between the men. For real.

They’re like an old married couple, a hideous one though. “Did you hear me? You’re doing it wrong!” “Nag nag nag, that’s all you ever do. Why don’t you go watch Jeopardy?”

What’s the big deal of this service? They are all going to have a turn running the pass, as training for their future leadership roles at LA Market. I’m using the word “leadership” very loosely here. Service starts, and Russell is first to the pass. He does ok, and then Chef Scott tries to trick him by putting pecans in the salad instead of walnuts. But alas, Russell notices and sends them back to be redone.

Trev calls Russ a thug, a jacko, and a meathead, which I suppose is better than being a weakling, a whiny bitch, and a complainer. Trev gives him raw scallops, and of course blames Russell for being an ass, completely disregarding the fact that he cooked raw scallops.

If they’re bad, Russell, then it’s all your fault for being a meany!

Overall, Russell does a good job, and hands the pass off to Nona. Her quality control test is Scott giving her mashed celery root instead of mashed potatoes. Will her Palate of Steel ™ pass the test? And the answer is…no. She thinks it’s just potatoes. Other than that little snag, she does well, with no complaints from the kitchen *cough cough Trev.*

And it’s Trev’s turn to man (or little girl) the pass. When he tries to get times from the chefs, they all ignore him and don’t respond.

Did I hear something? Must’ve been the wind.

Trev starts calling entrée tickets before the appetizers are sent out, and no food has left the kitchen since he started. Chef Scott gives Trev a sea bass instead of a halibut, but unfortunately Trev notices the difference.

Jill is up last. She decides to scream and curse at them all to get the food moving. I guess she figures if it works for Ramsey…Chef Scott tries to throw her off by delivering a NY strip instead of a rib eye. She doesn’t catch it. From then on she gets on Trev’s ass about his weird looking fish- some are thin, some are fat. Just like the chefs.

Guess which one is Nona and which is Trev?

Ramsey steps in to try to control Trev. He tells him the next time he fucks up a halibut, he’s gone. But then Rams re-takes over the pass and service ends. He tells them to have a “bloody good” discussion about who to send home. Well, it may be good and bloody…

I think they’re going to nominate Trev (definitely), and I guess Jillian? Not sure about the second one. Ramsey says that one of them isn’t ready to take on the job of executive chef at the LA Market. One of them? I’d be scared to let any of them near my kitchen!

So the first loser of the night is…Trev! Finally! After a long hard haul, his skinny whiny ass is OUT OF THERE.

Buh bye! Be grateful you lasted as long as you did.

Ramsey says it’s hard because they’ve all earned a spot in the final, but only 2 can move on. Then he proceeds to unfurl some crazy banners from behind him. Shocking all the chefs. Jillian’s eyebrows go even higher than normal.

Ramsey takes his rightful places as overlord of hell.

After all giving their clichéd reasons for why they deserve to be there (“I was the underdog,” “I worked so hard,” etc.), Ramsey announces the first finalist. Ugh, it’s Russell. I kind of wanted it to be an all-female finale.

With the widow’s peak and the fire, he looks like even more of a demon than usual.

I hope Nona moves on. She just seems like a nicer person than Jillian, with a better personality for being an executive chef. And the final finalist is…NONA! Yes!

Is it just me, or does she look like a totally different person?

Ramsey tells Jillian to keep her jacket on because she deserves it, and she was a fierce competitor. Apparently not fierce enough. She cries about how she should’ve been the last standing, boo hoo. You’re not. Now you have time to grow some real eyebrows.

Next week: It’s the finale! All the previous chefs come back to “help,” which doesn’t bode well for Russell. Who will win? Eh, I don’t really care. They both suck. But tune in anyway to see who will have the opportunity to run LA Market into the ground.

Thanks for reading, have a great holiday!

xoxo

L-Money