Hell’s Kitchen: Big Talent or Big Pants?

After a World Series-induced hiatus (for the somebodies? to beat out the somebodies? in a stunning? tragic? series) Hell’s Kitchen returns with eight chefs left in the competition. Boris has just met his death by meat hook and Trev is called before Chef Ramsay to account for his dismal performance in the red kitchen. Trev is told to remove his red jacket… because he’s back to Blue.

“You dodged a bullet tonight, I’m not going to tolerate another service like that from you,” Ramsay tells Pointdexter. Gordo goes on to say, “the battle of the sexes is alive again.”

Sexy Rockstar.

The men would rather have been given a gift card to Taco Bell than another chance to work with Trev. But Trev is happy with the 8:05 EST curve ball and says “Thank God, I’m home.” He’s safely separated from the winning streak and he’s back at home with the losers.

He clicked his heels and wished for Hell?

He’s thrilled to be switching up bullies and the Red bullies are relieved to have him gone. Sabrina offers her goodbye to the red team’s anchor. “Go back to your little boys… they’re just going to send your ass home. Where you belong. Peace!” Our witchy novice cackles in confessional.

Trev sits down in the dorms and immediately tries to make amends with the blue team — by bitching about the red team. “Those girls hung me out to f^$*ing dry.” He whines, hoping his blue teammates will commiserate.

Girls are the worst!

“I can honestly say, I’m glad to be back,” Trev tells the camera when his best hangdog face wins him no sympathy. “I can’t believe I let that happen.” Isn’t it terrible when other people allow it to be known that you suck at your job? I hear there’s a whole chapter about that in Bush’s new memoir, “Big Leaders Don’t Cry: My life with Dick Cheney”.

It’s the next morning and eight chefs file down to the kitchen to face Ramsay and a new team challenge. Before he announces the challenge, Ramsay has Chef Scott bring out a tray of hotel room-service food for the chef-wannabes to taste.

… and don’t wipe your mouth on the table cloth.

Ramsay circulates four plates while he tells the contestants that LA Market will be a high profile restaurant, and that the kitchen will also be the room-service kitchen. The dishes they are currently sampling are staples across “any 5-star hotel”, the twist is that only one of the four plates is actually from the kitchen of a 5-star hotel, the rest have been picked up by Chef Ramsay at various fast food restaurants — the chefs of course think this is the finest Stone Soup they’ve ever sampled and that the Emperor’s New Clothes are the finest in Lalaland.

Throw some dirt on on there and you can convince them it’s truffle shavings.

The cameras followed Ramsay as he picked up the three fast food dishes:

-          a chicken salad sandwich from a gas station

-          an order of pasta from a lunch truck

-          an order of egg rolls from a Chinese takeout restaurant

Chef Blob is called upon to declare his favorite. He likes the wings. The chicken wings that Ramsay feeds his contestants are, in fact, from The London, West Hollywood. The women disagree, Nona likes the chicken salad, which has been dressed up with some sweet potato chips and Sabrina likes the egg rolls and ginger dipping sauce.

The diesel fumes are great for achieving a “smokey” flavor.

Ramsay reveals that they’re all fools, he served them bogus dishes. The contestants are shocked to hear that they weren’t eating 5-star food.

Next you’ll be telling me they don’t use chicken in McNuggets.

In fact, Nona didn’t care for the wings at all.

I don’t think that will influence the critics at Zagats, but keep it to yourself anyway.

Ramsay explains that a chef should have an exceptional palate. And these people? There palates… need work. To say the least. Ramsay will be further testing their palates, and his pain threshold, by conducting the dreaded blind taste test challenge.

The announcer reminds us, “Chef Ramsay believes that cooking techniques can be taught, but a finely tuned palate is something a chef has to be blessed with” –  “blessed with a fine palate” must have been left off the Hell’s Kitchen application in favor of more space to list their tattoos and piercings.

The competition is now four on four and Russell is called up first to face Gail.

They both get grapefruit, but then they both miss sea bass and iceberg lettuce. Russell gets truffle but Gail doesn’t. Gail guesses watercress, much to the confusion of the women.

Honest to BLOG?

The men have a one point advantage as Rob explains, “I’ve had a lot of flavors in my time,” as he approaches the table to face Sabrina in round two.

“Glutton” is just a fancy way of saying “Talent”

Blob misses white asparagus, he thinks that filet mignon is chicken (so does Sabrina) and then misses cheddar and smoked mussels. Sabrina doesn’t score any points either…

…but is, at least, a little embarrassed about it.

Round three: Jillie vs. Petit Jumpstreet. Both miss HOT DOG, but both get potatoes and mozzarella.

Choked on a hot dog. Damn shame.

Blue is still leading by one when Nona faces Trev. Pointdexter and Noneck both miss pear. Trev misses scallops, but Nona gets it and evens the score, 4 to 4.

F$&% your life.

They both get squash and it comes down to the last item, endive. Trev misses it (he guesses arugula)…

…but Noneck doesn’t.

She wins the challenge for the red team and Trev returns to the blue team the schmuck instead of the hero. Nona has the best challenge performance, she got 3 out of 4 correct. The red team has “earned” or “stumbled ass-backward” into a wonderful prize, they will be having lunch with Ramsay at Table 14, after their shopping spree.

The girls are all a-giggle with the news of shopping money and lunch. The men will be sorting through garbage, literally, today… separating the recyclables.

Ramsay prefaces this announcement by saying that Hell’s Kitchen is AHEAD of the times, and that they like to consider themselves a “green” restaurant.

Green with envy…

They’ll also be prepping both kitchens, top to bottom.

Russell recaps the recent failures of the blue team, “we’ve lost three straight challenges, three straight dinner services… we need to get our game back together.” With that the men are left to suit up and receive the shipment of garbage that is now their professional responsibility. Blondula is pissed that Rob didn’t pick up any  points and he says, “I was thinking of throwing Rob out with the trash, but I can’t pick him up.”

The women are finished getting prettied-up, as least enough to pass as female, and exit the restaurant where Trev is waiting with open arms.

NaughtyChef is gussied-up — complete with her Neicy Nash-reject flower — and runs from Trev’s rubberized embrace and into the waiting SUV. As the ladies pull away, Trev salutes his former team members…

…but doesn’t slow them down.

The ladies roll into a department store and Gail is impressed with the “rack upon racks, clothes upon clothes,” housed in the clothing store. Y’know, because it’s a clothing store. I guess when you’re used to purchasing your long johns one aisle over from the pet needs aisle in Wal-mart, a clothing store is kind of miraculous.

The women try on their selections and Sabrina is so impressed that everything in the store looks so good on her.

If she can only steal a pair of red ruby slippers to match.

BettyBrows thinks that the four remaining ladies can be like, “the Spice Girls of Hell’s Kitchen.”

Skanky Spice, Slimey Spice…

The men have a win record weaker than Trev’s hairline and they’re fuming about it. When lunch arrives (lunch consists of some Kraft singles and Wonder bread) Blondula is too upset to eat.

He’ll just have some AB- later.

The women are seated with Ramsay, and Ramsay is explaining the basics of restaurant management to his potential employees. LA Market is going to have huge kitchen and a huge staff to manage, so he needs to find a leader.

May I make a recommendation?

The women all nod in agreement and Nona states that Ramsay “inspires me and really wants to see that leader in me.” Or at least the leader you’re obstructing.

The women toast to the pathetic men’s team that they’ve left in the dust (and garbage and recyclables) and they finish their lunch.

Rubba-dub-dub, thanks for the grub…

Back at Hell Headquarters the men have moved on to prep, and they are still prepping when the women enter. Trev is looking to gel with the men’s team, but he’s obviously not welcome. Russell tells him that he can’t have a towel as he is staring him down over a laundry basket of towels.

Blondula won’t answer his questions and Jumpstreet has no patience for him…

Trev knows he has to prove himself to Blue or he’s a goner.

Ramsay enters the kitchen and assembles the two teams for dinner service. He turns his attention to the blue team and calls them “gluttons for punishment”.

I say they have a “talent” for punishment.

Ramsay reiterates that he’s never had a blue team perform this badly in the history of Hell’s Kitchen. He asks them if they’re going to turn it around tonight, but the men fail to find the answer on the floor between their feet — and it looks like another dismal day for the boys.

However,  the doors to Hell must open and welcome more souls into the fire, so James opens the restaurant and the sorry-ass cheftestants man their posts. Pointdexter is on appetizers for the men and JillieBean is on apps for the ladies, both successfully get out their orders… it’s not until the entree orders arrive that Ramsay starts to turn red.

The blue team has several orders on fish pending and Blob is hustling, trying to get them filled. He sends scallops to the pass, but they’re just colored with curry powder, not flame kissed as Ramsay has instructed. Ramsay actually makes Rob sample his own work, but Rob seems to think that Ramsay’s standards are just too high.

If it’s good enough for Denny’s…

Rob gives it another go, but fails to get any color of the scallops, but Ramsay gives him an “A” for effort.

Almost.

Of course he doesn’t. He screams bloody murder that he doesn’t have any color on his scallops. Chef Scott comments that Rob is not starting with the pan hot enough, so Ramsay goes over and gives Rob a tutorial on how to cook scallops. Later in the evening, his teammates will give Blob private lessons on how to locate his own ass with two hands and a flashlight.

Ramsay is hoping for a better performance from his red team, but Noneck is dragging on the meat station. Even Sabrina seems to be reasonably adept tonight, but Nona keeps giving Ramsay longer and longer times. She’s currently working on a chicken that has been cooking since the Nixon administration and Ramsay is fuming. When she does get the chicken to the cutting board, she’s not able to slice it and it looks a little bit like a scene from Dexter, season 1.

SPOILER: Nona is the Ice Truck Killer.

It’s Sabrina, who’s shrill cries get the red team together and another set of entrees out to the diners.

In the blue kitchen, Blob has derailed the men.

Hand him the flashlight.

He just can’t catch up. He brings up raw halibut and Ramsay is disgusted. He calls Rob into the dining room to whisper a death threat in his ear.

Buck up, or buck off.

Rob hits the fish station again vowing to find the strength in the next five minutes that he hasn’t truly harnessed in the last 35 years.

Russell starts riding Rob and screaming, “Let’s go!” while Ramsay is hovering over the blue kitchen, but clams up in Ramsay’s absence. Rob is annoyed that Russell is so two-faced, but he has bigger fish to fry! Or at least heat up less effectively than a hotplate.

As Blue looks on, Rob finally delivers a passable halibut to the Ramsay and the heat is off,  temporarily.

Nona is supposed to be cooking two portions of beef, when Ramsay asks for timing she says, “I have one beef resting and I have one beef cooking.” Which is a half-clever way of saying that she didn’t cook them both at the same time, because she forgot one. Ramsay’s not having it and calls her up to berate her.

He reads her the next ticket, on which three portions of beef are ordered. Ramsay watches as Nona starts the three filets, but isn’t happy with her response. He barrels over to the meat station to examine her pan and pulls out the three beef filets. They’ve started to color, but they’re not searing. Like Ramsay wanted. Like the headache I have from watching this split screen exchange.

Ramsay starts to cook the filets himself, but he wants Nona out of the way. OUT of  m’WAY. GET OUT OF M’WAY! He screams at Noneck…

…which is Ramsayian for “F&^ off.”

BettyBrows moves over to take control of the meat station as Nona cries in confessional about her wasted potential.

On the blue side Jumpstreet delivers some rubbery egg and spinach side dish. Following that performance, he presents Ramsay with half charred gnocchi that prompts Ramsay to kick him out of the kitchen and tell him to “go fix your hair.”

He looks like he is genuinely in pain…

Russell sends up raw chicken and it’s only a matter of time before more raw fish hits the pass. Russell is kicked out, Rob is kicked out and Trev is left alone.

Russell, Vinny and Nona are on the patio smoking and bitching. Russell is pissed that on his first mistake he got kicked out.

Your first mistake was filling out the online application at Fox.com.

Red is going strong and even Trev, the sole chef in the blue kitchen, is producing edible food.

Dumb.                             Luck.

Clearly, the men lose. Trev was the last chef left standing, he’s the best of the worst and he gets to choose who’s up for elimination.

Nona is called in front of Ramsay, and he tells her she has the palate, she has promise…

Buck up.

Not a “glass is half full” kind of guy, Trev is upset that he has to make the decision. The blue team returns to the dorms where Russell wastes no time beginning to kiss Trev’s ass and buttering him up for a smooth transition to the final seven. But Trev hasn’t forgotten how Russell treated him earlier in the day and he throws Blondula and Blob up for elimination. He justifies Blondula’s nomination by saying, “Russell was supposed to be driving the team… he let me down a little bit, personally.” You’re going to take it very persoanlly when he drives his foot into your ass later, not a wise move, m’man.

Of course it’s Rob that’s eliminated.

Russell is fuming about his nomination ….

Oh yes he did.

On the the way back to the dorms he tells Trevor that “it just got grimey, bro.”

In the best narration of the series, Ramsay explains that, “if the size of one’s waist corresponds to the size of one’s talent, then Rob would be a fantastic chef.  Instead, he just wears gigantic pants.”

So ‘Gasmii, are you happy to see Hell’s Kitchen back in primetime? Does anyone stand a chance of besting Blondula? Did anyone else almost fall off the couch laughing when Ramsay delivered that last line?