Hell’s Kitchen: … but there is an “i” in FAIL.

Last episode saw the demise of Petit Jumpstreet on the last episode of Hell’s Kitchen, but the slime quotient still hasn’t really dipped as six chefs are left to compete, including our manipulative bitch, Sabrina and whiney bitch Trev.

The teams have been united in black chef jackets, so it’s time to celebrate. Even if they aren’t necessarily thrilled to be working together.

Yay for us!

Trev seems to have to be having the hardest time accepting his new team. After the new black team toasts the final six with Ramsay’s new signature wine, Trev stays awake, sitting alone in the dorms smoking and going over the last elimination ceremony is his head. Every one of the girls named his as their nominee and he bemoans his fate as the lone slayer of the red team.

Plotting in his Fortress of Solitude…

“The girls tried everything they could to get rid of me tonight,” Treve whines into the lens. Short of pantsing you on national television and calling you a dirty little hamster? Or they just made you a nominee, Vinny took the bullet instead.

Now perched on the fire place Trev intently stares into space, chain smoking and says, “four chicks in black jackets, ugghh.” he goes on to murmur, “I gotta drive a serious stake in to that harem.”

Suggestion: why don’t you romance one of the ladies, and then watch them tear each other to pieces in a fit of jealous?

So hot.

He stares down the camera with a grin on his face and says, “It’s mine to lose, it’s mine to win” — as he continues to imagine the victory he could have over four women. If it only talent and sex offender laws weren’t an obstacle…

After the night of a full moon, the chefs awake and rush down to the kitchen in their pristine new whites. In the dining room Ramsay announces the new challenge, which is the first individual challenge.

The whole is stronger than the sum of it’s parts. Usually…

Amuse-bouche, or as Ramsay says, amuse bush – will be the challenge today. Once all the contestants have had the mental giggles are able to focus again, Ramsay explains the amuse is a one-bite introduction to the meal. Since first impression is everything, it’s important to have a strong amuse, a “one bite wonder” to kick off a wonderful meal.  Luckily the meals in Hell’s Kitchen are mediocre at best, so Ramsay is going to let each of the chef’s try their hand at creating an amuse.

Ramsay will have a panel of celebrity chefs to judge the Hell’s Kitchen contestants and who’s the first one he introduces, but Top Chef Masters alum Ludo LeFebvre – maverick and innovator of French cuisine and the French accent. I can’t even begin to capture his speech as well as J-Mo, I won’t even try. What I can capture for you is the stupid smitten kitten babble that Sabrina comes out with upon laying her eyes on the culinary prodigy.

Ludo-cris is quite the bad boy.

“That’s the chef?” She exclaims. She must have thought all accomplished chefs look like pit bulls poised to attack, or y’know like the Burger King.

Culinary Royalty.

“That is SO cute!” she screams in confessional, while the footage of her making goo goo eyes continues to roll. Ludo-cris smiles and finds his seat as Ramsay introduces husband and wife chefs, fellow TC Master Snoozanne and lastly, that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy.

Look who I found on the casting couch at Bravo!!!

Jillie is intimidated, she just thought Michelin was a tire, she didn’t know that they gave out stars…

I mean, I know they made s’mores too!

Each contestant has to make one amuse, five portions. Ramsay tells the contestants to let their “imagination go.” He doesn’t tell them to hold tight to their common sense and sense of professional integrity, so as Trevor looks around the pantry he decides it’s the perfect time for him to attempt to cook and serve frogs legs.

“Daddy like froggy, froggy like Daddy,” he mutters as he takes his find triumphantly back to his work station.

Hello my ragtime gaaaaal!

The contestants have 30 minutes to prepare their offering to their epicurean superiors, and chefs are barely past prep as the clock is  winding down quickly.

Nona is preparing shrimp and grits, because “it’s awesome,” and Gail is making spring rolls, “because I’m Asian.” Because Sabrina is “stupid” she’s making something indefinable, but repeats that she’s a fighter and she’s going to give it all she’s got. When we cut to her losing a battle with a blender.

But true to form, she’s going down swinging.

The last seconds tick down, and Ramsay tells his future liabilities that time is up.

The contestants are assembled in front of the panel and Ramsay explains the judging. Each contestant will be judged on presentation and then on taste, each judge will award them up to 10 point in each category, x5 judges, each contestant will receive a score out of 100.

Gail is up first and her sesame chicken spring roll goes over well. Ludo’s first glorious description flows from his lips and he says, “Lukes Gud. Veree Neyece.” Gail gets the giggles as she gets 44 out of 50 for presentation and 43 for taste, 87 total.

I think the landing really cost her some points.

Sabrina approaches the panel and almost slips on her own slobber for Ludo as she names some ingredients, “Ummmm, jalapenos, uuhh, salmon, uuuum mmm carrots, uuummmm. Um. Ummmmm.” No other description is given or what the mass on the plates is supposed to be. Snoozanne calls it, “Interesting, Christmas-y”. It looks like it was just a compilation of the condiment station at a Parkway rest stop…

Ummm. Mustard packets. Um. Toothpaste. UHHH. Ah. Ummm.

And when Sabrina is done moaning, Ludo is ready to give his first criticism. He’s disappointed in the “praaa-en-sun”. And like Ike when Tina turned her back, Sabrina’s not having it. She rages against Ludo is the confessional, although Ludo’s opinion is basically mirrored across the panel.

She mocks him and the great tradition of French cuisine… “a bonjour this, a oui oui that,” she grumbles.

They could have had something so beautiful… well at least something quick and dirty.

Most judges aren’t happy with the presentation or the taste. The big ingredient Sabrina forgot to mention while she was eye-raping Ludo, was garlic. There’s a lot of garlic in her amuse, most of the judges aren’t fans of the strong garlic flavor. Ludo doesn’t hate it… so Sabrina is happy with him again. Sabrina scores 35 for presentation and 35 for taste.

Jillie has pita with sautéed vegetables perched on top. It looks like the pre-chewed food they may serve at nursing homes and in Golden Corral lunch specials. I think salsa on a Spoonacho would have been more impressive…

Tell me this doesn’t deserve a Michelin star!

BettyBrows scores 65 out of 100. Nona doesn’t wow them either, 67 out of 100.

Russell is up next with a lovin’ spoonful of hamachi crudo with apple-celery broth. And if you fed them ambrosia of the Gods, the judges couldn’t be happier. They love the presentation and the taste and they give him a perfect score.

100 out of 100. A perfect urine sample.

To be fair, Trev is really throwing off the grading curve…. Inflation hasn’t been a factor on this show since 2005. Trev sees Russell’s scored and he ain’t scared. He presents his “imaginative “ dish which just so happens to look like blended fish, than frog legs. The Non-Enemy states, “I don’t really know how you get a frog leg to look like that.”

Can’t say it’s not creative…

Can’t say it’s edible either…

Trevor took Ramsay’s advice to heart and “let go”… and presented the country’s top chefs with something less appetizing than mudpies or Play-doh burgers.

Trev scores 31 for presentation and 31 for taste.

Russell wins the completion, with very little competition from his competition. Blondula has won a private tour of LA Market which includes lunch with the Executive Chef of LA Market, Kerry Simon and Ramsay. He’s also allowed to take one of the contestants with him on the lunch outing. Since Russell has no friends but his “guns” he chooses Gail, since she placed second.

The rest of the team is left behind to clean the dorms and prep the kitchens. Nona really hates cleaning, really really really hates cleaning, but they suck it up and attack the dorms which are probably dirtier than an Atlantic City hotel after a hooker slaughter.

Chef Scott has dropped off their cleaning supplies and they sulk as they snap on the yellow gloves and go to work.

Kerry Simon is at LA Market to meet Russell and Gail. Chef Simon is the executive chef of LA Market, so the winner of Hell’s Kitchen will be his burden after they’ve done filming — his way, way, way overpaid burden. Simon looks like Gene Simmons understudy who now has to resort to other reality show work.

Today’s tour is light on the groupies, yet still heavy on the transmittable diseases…

Russell and Gail sit down for lunch with the two chefs, and Ramsay tells the contestants to take today’s tour as inspiration. Let the thought of the new restaurant and state of the art kitchen drive you toward the big “W”.

Meanwhile at the dorms, the chefs are continuing to bemoan the state of their living quarters. A problem they, themselves 100% caused… As Sabrina is upstairs dusting their prized collection of stuffed animals, Nona is downstairs shouting out descriptions of the bags she hauls out of the bathroom. “This shit smells like rotten hotdogs!”

… and zoo animals.

The non-prize winning members of the black team have moved on to prep the kitchens and Trevor is bitter that he’s stuck with the girls.

“How much egg for the pasta?” Sabrina asks. Instead of his first instinct, ‘your mom is pasta’, Trevor retorts, “figure it out.” Only the food is going to suffer, as Trevor continues to face down a barrage of questions from the ladies…

-You usually keep your fish where?
-Are you supposed to put pepper on this or something?
-What’s in the ricotta?

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Gail and Blondula return in time to hear Ramsay’s pre-service pep talk. One kitchen has to serve all the diners, so he needs them to be excellent. He wants to get them excited. So he reaches the counter and pulls out a platter. He lifts the lid to reveal.

Big money. BIG MONEY. No whammy, no whammy, no whammy, STOP!

The contestants all salivate at the sight of the bank rolls. And all dream of the Richie Rich life.

Nona has been dispatched to the dining room to prepare Steak Diane table side. (I have no idea what that is, it sounds like something my grandmother prepared in the 60’s in her brand new asbestos-lined kitchen, half-blitzed on high balls… but it’s a dish consisting of a pan-fried filet mignon with a sauce made from the seasoned pan juices according to Wikipedia. Huh.)

In the kitchen Russell is ready to “kick this bitch in the ass and roll.” Well the bitch is rolling at appetizers, she’s rolling right on to his shit list. Sabrina is responsible for the risotto tonight and it’s burnt.

Sabrina delivers crappy, overcooked risotto to Ramsay.

Fail.

…followed by Gail delivering sub par scallops…

Fail.

And as Trev talks up his lobster spaghetti, he puts up over cooked pasta. So three for three, the team is off to a terrible start.

Trev tries to rally by screaming at Sabrina and pisses off Sous Chef Scott. The rest of the team can only look on as Chef Scott gets in Trev’s face to tell him to know his place.

Nerd.

Sabrina and Trev turn on each other as they scramble to catch up on appetizers. They continue to debate the  timing of the pasta…

…loudly, inefficiently, and probably with the attention span of a 3 week old kitten.

As Sabrina asks for a time check every 10-15 seconds, Trevor get more and more annoyed with the constant whine of her shrieking and the situation on appetizers station continues to disintegrate.

A couple appetizers get out, but Ramsay pulls Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Trev to the side to tell them to pull their shit together fast.

While you’ve got your head wedged up your own ass, see if that’s where you took down the recipe for pasta.

Trev would rather they take Sabrina out back “put a bullet between her beady little eyes,” but I think we’re way past that know. She’s been with us for 11 episodes, we already named her, we have to at least euthanize her with gracefully (SPOILER).

Ramsay moves on to entrees and this gives the entire the team the chance to screw their career aspirations… first Gail delivers halibut that has stuck to the pan.

Yes, you should just hang yourself.

Jillian has no garnish and Russell can’t even get his head out of his Transylvanian ass, and delivers undercooked meat.

Nomahhh is even on hand to watch another team complete a season of epic self sabotage.

…but Steak Diane… yum.

Nona is delivering Steak Diane table side and the kitchen is desperately trying to keep up with her on timing. They get out a couple tables until…

Sabrina and Trev can’t work together and Ramsay starts to twitch after they top themselves after delivering salad with no dressing. She screwed the salad, “fight back you little bitch.” Ramsay tells her.

Trev has successfully tossed Sabrina’s salad, says the announcer, ewwww. When Jillian’s turn in front of the English firing squad.

Jillian has been seasoning her mash by dumping waves of salt into the pan instead of (washing first) and  using her hand.

It’s a good idea like when my old roommate cleans the kitchen with the toilet brush.

Jillian repents but it’s too late Ramsay is one degree away from torching the restaurant and taking the insurance money to put out a hit on his in-laws.

Gail has grilled salmon while they were still swimming, or something because she delivers them to Ramsay while in the middle of fresh water pond.

As he drains off the lake water, Russell brings up raw Wellington. Blondula’s day vision is impaired, and Ramsay tell him to get his eyes checked.

Ramsay calls them all to the front and screams at them to work as a team. One more mistake and he’ll shut it down.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

Cue Russell, pass out the dinner vouchers to Sizzler… The filet is raw. Hell’s Kitchen is evacuated faster than a skunk…

“At least one of you has to get the hell out of here tonight,” Ramsay tells them as he sends them upstairs to pick the nominees.

Sabrina and Trev take most of the heat for the night until Jillian want to address her problem with Gail. Sabrina picks up on the drama starts in on Jillian to change her vote to Gail. Russell tries to put his foot down, but Sabrina squawks and Jillian agrees.

It’s left to Nona to decide, but when they return to the dining room to face Ramsay, Sabrina has to admit that Trev and Sabrina are the nominees.

Ramsay calls them forward and NaughtChef takes the opportunity to throw her last curve ball and defend herself and Trevor, it’s Gail that should go home.

Her hissy fit has no effect on Ramsay and he still dismisses the blonde ambition tour.