Hello there, fine folks–or should I say Aloha? Since the theme of Tuesday’s Hell’s Kitchen was apparently a blend of Hawaiian and Asian, depending on whose stupid ass you ask, I should probably figure out how to write aloha in Japanese characters, slap a dumb blonde wig on it, and call it good enough. That seems to be par for the course for the Red team, so why not?
In our last episode, Gordon pulled a whoopsie on us all when he dragged Gina out of the background to send her home over the team’s nominees, Elise and Krupa (who totally blew my impression of her as a competent and collected individual. Hopefully that was just a hiccup, and I can get back to being right all the time). Let Gina’s fate be a lesson to everyone: just because your team is comprised of a bunch of dramatic bitches who create stress and drag morale into the toilet, doesn’t mean the Big G is going to ignore your terrible kitchen skills. If he wants to send you home, it’s home you’ll go, regardless of how many friends you’ve made and how badly they want you to stay.
As Gina hikes her raw food-serving ass toward the reject interview, the teams are dismissed back to their suite of rooms, and we know that Elise is just going to be cranky as hell over being up for elimination twice in a row. We watch Jamie try to soothe some sense into her, then we see Elise promise to work on her attitude. Well, we’ll see just how humble she’s actually become, or if it’s just her own definition of humble (meaning she’ll scream obscenities at Carrie with her head bowed and hands clasped demurely behind her back).
The picture of humility
Sure enough, no sooner have they all collapsed into chairs than Elise is hopping around the room, yelling about how the evening’s results are a sign that she’s meant to be there. Jennifer and Jamie get pretty pissed off by her showboating. Seems they rightly feel that celebrating the dismissal of a teammate is in pretty poor taste. Who knew? They discuss how selfish and disrespectful Elise is acting, but naturally they don’t confront her. It’s been a long day, so I can hardly blame them for not wanting to unleash the raving bitch. What I wonder, though, is why they seem so shocked that Elise is acting like a self-centered turd. Isn’t that par for the course with her? I’m actually less surprised by her display of attitude than I am at Jennifer and Jamie’s reaction. Have we been hanging out with the same cast? Given all we’ve seen out of her thus far, it seems pretty normal to me.
The next day, after thankfully sparing us the goofy wake up calls, Gordon informs the contestant that it’s a new day, and everyone is starting with a clean slate. They’ll be hosting a high school reunion for the challenge, because what better way to celebrate the sweetness of days gone by than watching twelve bumblefuck amateurs sweat into your overpriced dinner, which may or may not ever be served to you? Seriously, what dumb bitches thought this was a good idea, and how much were the tickets? My own ten year reunion was like $100, and that was for a two day pass, including a standard hotel banquet event, a beach barbecue, and a social hour at Applebee’s, with two drink tickets. Wow. I didn’t even go to it, but just typing that is making my eyes roll. Applebee’s, for fuck’s sake. My school sucked.
Jamie informs us she wishes she could go back to high school. Considering she’s only 24, I have to say buck up, girl–you have plenty of years ahead that will make high school seem like the four year bad dream you’ll soon realize it was. Paul gets it. Sounds like he has a little more life experience than some of the greenies on this season. Anyway, Gordon chooses Elizabeth and Paul to meet with the reunion committee and plan the menu. The Red team seems sort of apprehensive, and Carrie tells us that Elizabeth isn’t the safest seat on the short bus. I know these girls all harbor secret disdain for each other, but when Carrie (CARRIE!!!!) says Elizabeth is flaky, (seriously, CARRIE!!!), hold onto your hats, because we’re about to hop a fast train bound for the Caverns of Stupidity. Good news: today’s tour is free of charge!
Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I’ll be your guide!
Elizabeth, bless her bleached blonde heart, does not disappoint. The committee is asking for a Hawaiian theme, which sounds simple enough, right? They say Hawaii, I think leis and luaus, coconuts and pineapple and roasted pork, because stereotypes rule and are delicious. However, they run into issues with Elizabeth’s dumb ass right away when she fails to differentiate between meat and fish. One of the planners is pescetarian, which means she eats seafood but no land animals, and as self-centered as I think she is for insisting the entire menu reflect her dietary lifestyle, there’s really just no excuse for how it all plays out. Elizabeth just skips over the entire spiel and asks if she’d mind having meat and fish on the same plate. Of course the answer is no, and everyone is sort of giving her a sideways look, likely wondering which parent accidentally rested an elbow on her cranial soft spot during infancy. Dimshit. Sure, Elizabeth, because if there’s one thing most people would love it would be to have a plate half full of stuff they can’t eat tossed in front of them. Why not serve up an aborted pig fetus to an orthodox Jew, or an aborted human fetus to a Duggar? Eh, fuck ‘em, they can just eat around it.
Yeah, this sums it up nicely.
Oh dear, this doesn’t look good for the Red team. After sitting through an entire meeting about Hawaiian themed food, Elizabeth runs straight back and tells her teammates the committee asked for Asian food, and she has a great idea for bacon wrapped scallops. OH DEAR GOD. Was she even there, or did they just edit her into the scene for dramatic effect? This is literally the exact antithesis of what was discussed during planning. Since they don’t know any better, the girls plan to make some Asian noodles and, for unknown reasons, lentils, and Jamie looks kind of confused. Lentils don’t exactly sound Asian to me, but since no one else was there, the team has no choice but to trust Elizabeth. Too bad for them; due to her lack of geographical prowess, her TOTAL STUPIDITY, and absence of comprehension skills, she is leading her Ladies down a dire path, indeed. This will not end well.
Meanwhile, Paul is proving that his head, at least, is indeed located somewhere other than his own asshole. He’s all over the pescetarian thing, even shooting down a surf n’ turf idea out of respect to the lady who can’t eat meat. He also remembers the difference between Hawaii and Asia, so props to him. I know it’s so easy to get the two confused.
The teams start cooking the dishes that will comprise their tasting menu, and Monterray seems to get immediately lost, seemingly unable to summon the ingredients of his chutney from the vast depths of his brain cloud. Paul is nice enough about helping him, but is not amused. He thinks Monterray has been there long enough to handle these challenges on his own, and that makes sense, but let’s remember we’re taking about Monterray, here. He’s been spared elimination so far because others have sucked more, not because he’s improving. Over in the Red kitchen, Carrie is at least trying to take charge of some aspects of the process, but no one seems to appreciate it. Given her track record, I can’t say I blame them, but I bet at least one person will later accuse her of never contributing a damn thing. No need to name names.
Never saw it coming!
Gordon brings out the committee members, and I am a true bitch, because I seriously can’t wait until those bacon wrapped scallops hit the table. When Gordon reiterates the theme, you can see the “oh shit, say what?” brainwaves radiate from the Red kitchen in a sonic boom of panic. We get to watch as every single face changes with the realization that they’ve been jogging determinedly toward the wrong finish line. Even Carrie knows that Asia and Hawaii are worlds apart. Is Elizabeth really that stupid, or did she eat some of the kitchen’s “special” mushrooms before the meeting? Since she’s just standing there looking sort of sleepy, I’ll decline from making any wagers.
Though I am sort of leaning toward stupid.
Since it’s far too late in the day to turn back, the Red team forges ahead and sends Carrie up to bat with her appetizer. Natalie’s crostini with ahi is pitted against Carrie’s tuna tartare with guacamole, and things wouldn’t be that bad except Carrie keeps talking over the judges’ feedback. Everyone is yelling inside themselves for her to shut up, and Gordon finally just tells her to, but it doesn’t really matter, because Natalie wins anyway. Carrie can’t believe she got beat out by a crostini. I can’t believe she hasn’t been beaten by SOMEONE, and I don’t mean food-wise. Also, since when is guacamole a staple in menu of either culture?
Krupa’s nut-crusted pork loin with lentils and bok choy is brought in next, and I’m sort of embarrassed for her and the team as a whole. How could Elizabeth fuck this up so badly? The committee likes the dish, but they mention it seems to be lacking a certain Hawaiian flavor. Duh. Monterray presents a roasted pork loin with a mango pineapple chutney, and though Gordon gripes about the lack of food on the plate, the women enjoy it so much they don’t mind the small portion. Monterray wins!
That grating sound in the background is coming from Jamie’s teeth as Elise presents a barbecue seared scallop with guava and bacon, and right there we see the not-meat-eating lady throw a “what’s this bullshit?” glare at the bacon. Gordon calls Elizabeth out on this right away, and the daggers are flying from Elise’s eyeballs for being put in this position. Can’t say I blame her, but that doesn’t stop me from thoroughly enjoying it. Elizabeth hems and haws and stutters everywhere, then lies, saying she got the impression it would be okay to mix the fish and meat. You know, even after she was specifically told mixing them would not be acceptable. The dish sucked anyway, and the scallops were badly cooked, so they move on to Will. He presents a banana leaf wrapped moonfish that they all love, and it’s another point for the Blue, who already has the win. This means the entire menu will consist of the Blue team’s dishes. They toally win!
But my eyeballs totally lose.
Gordon sends the Blue team off to a day trip on a yacht, leaving the Red team to clean and redecorate the restaurant in a Hawaiian theme. I guess this means they’ll need a pagoda and some kimonos, and maybe some Pokemon cards, right? Elizabeth is naturally refusing to take all the blame, insisting the committee requested Asian-style pork. Elise is directing all her pent up shit toward Elizabeth instead of Carrie, and I’m ok with that. They were BFFs before, but I guess not now. Don’t mess with Elise’s shit; she will turn on you and fight, like Rikki Tikki Tavi through the bath-rooms of the big bungalow in Segowlee cantonment.
Nothing but death in those red, red eyes.
The Blue team gets hats and cameras, and proceeds to get drunk and lie around. Natalie is soaking up all the male attention, since they know that they’d still be getting chin-slapped with cocks if she hadn’t been transferred to their team. For some reason, they start taking pictures of her ass. Don’t most of these dudes wear the cold, cold shackles of holy matrimony? Meanwhile, Elise is standing around as everyone else hauls centerpieces and fake trees and stuff, remarking on how heavy the decorations are. Since she’s the only one not actually lifting them, this only irritates the others.
When the Blue team returns, they rub their victory in the Red team’s face. Natalie is pretty close to drunk at this point, and proves it by wallowing in the house fountain like a hippo in a watering hole. This much sexy is more than the men can resist, and it leads to the most ridiculous photo shoot in the history of the world. That sound you just heard is the sound of the smackins all those married guys just got from their wives after watching this business air on television.
Was this really necessary?
When the teams show up the next to day to prep for the reunion, the Red team is given the task of assembling a three-layer cake, fondant and all. Now, there’s something I’ve noticed in these reality cooking competitions: quite a few professional cooks have no clue how to work with desserts. I’m not sure why, but cake is scary to them, and the mess they make of this particular reunion cake is a joke. They fuck it up like crazy, and when Carrie remarks that the cake looks like hell and it’s not even funny, Elise immediately starts in on her. It’s all the same stuff we’ve been hearing all season, and Elise is starting to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me at this point, though the words “trifling ass bitch” do manage to reach my eardrums. Jamie points out the irony of a high school reunion and the behavior of these two, and they decide to let Carrie cover up the screwed fondant with lots of decorative flowers. That should do the trick!
Jesus God. So much for professionalism.
Gordon arrives and praises the decor, and the dining room does look pretty good, but when he sees the state of the cake,he changes his tune. The Blue team can’t help but laugh, and Gordon says it looks like a someone shit on a Mexican sombrero. He refuses to serve it, and makes Scott take it away. He actually doesn’t seem too pissed, all things considered, but I wonder what they’re going to do about replacing the cake. I assume the reunion committee paid for a giant cake, and consequently will expect to munch on it at some point. Those things aren’t cheap. Hopefully Gordon can send Tommy trotting down to Costco for a couple sheet cakes, and have the Red team stack those, or something.
As the reunion guests arrive, the Blue team is feeling confident and ready to triumph. The Red team, however, seems to not know what the hell is happening, how to cook their dishes, or why there’s garlic in the kitchen. The Blue team is sending appetizers out, but Carrie is sending the salads without the appetizers, and Gordon hates that shit. He makes them start again, but is quickly distracted by the horrific sight of Paul serving up some raw fish. Gordon rips him a new one, extra mad because he expects better from Paul. That always stings the worst. At least Paul takes responsibility for it and swears it won’t happen again. Such optimism!
I love it when he starts changing colors.
The Red team is once again suffering from lack of communication, so Elise steps up and volunteers to lead. I have to hand it to her–she may be a pain in the ass, but she’s no slouch at barking orders. At least her big mouth is being put to good use. Monterray also tries to self start, but makes a bunch of rookie mistakes that send Gordon into a foaming frenzy. I mean really, all I do is cook for my family, and even I know not to put vegetables in a cold, oily pan. Carrie is also trying to act impressive, but Gordon is calling her out on corner-cutting when she tries to sneak leftover risotto in with fresh risotto. Gordon Ramsay isn’t about to tolerate that shit.
“I can’t cook with this foot up my ass!”
Gordon revisits the Blue kitchen and yells at the Blue team again for Paul’s raw snapper. He kicks Paul out and puts Jonathon and Monterray on the fish station. Elizabeth is on fish in the Red kitchen, hoping for redemption, and gets it with perfect snapper. The teams have changed places now; the Red team is sending out entrees left and right, while the committee table hasn’t gotten any food because of Paul. Jonathon is trying to do everything at once, and leaves Monterray alone with the fish. Bad idea. He immediately fucks it up, and Gordon kicks the whole team out of the kitchen. Jonathon asks if he can stick around to help, and Gordon tells him to piss off. I hate to say it, Jonathon, but you missed your chance to help when you left Monterray’s dumb ass alone with the fish; we know thats not exactly his strong point. Gordon tells the Red team to get busy fixing that shit, and they do just that.
The snapper heard ’round the world.
Gordon brings out his surprise for the reunion guests, which is,thankfully, some hula dancers, and not that atrocity of a cake. Meanwhile, Jonathon is yelling at Monterray that his time done be done, and they scream at each other about not being able to cook, and tossing salads, and such. Jonathon is raving about how Monterray wouldn’t last a second back in his neighborhood. I love when rednecks start getting street tough. Tommy looks nervous again, cringing in a chair like he always does when the voices get turned up loud.
“Say ‘bitch, be cool!’”
Once the Red team is done rocking the dinner service and all the reunion guests have paired off for drunken, post-reunion grudge sex returned to their hotels, the contestants get called in for elimination. The Blue team sends up Monterray and Paul, both for screwing the pooch on the fish station. Gordon seems to agree, and calls them forward. He also wants to hear from Jonathon, and goes on a bit about how disappointed he is in Paul. Paul spreads on the melodrama, and flagellates himself just enough that Gordon tells him to get back in line. He asks Jonathon if he thinks he’s a better chef than Monterray, and of course Jonathon says yes. Monterray says he has more experience and better knife skills than Jonathon, and Gordon, after a WTF moment at the knife skills comment, sends Monterray home. Finally.
It’s like he saw it coming.
That’s been coming for a few episodes now. Of course Monterray says Jonathon should be leaving, but whatever. I still want to know about that cake. At least Paul seems grateful for another chance. He can be a pig, but he’s displayed the humble side of his personality lately, so maybe there’s hope.
Next week, we’re promised a lot of high pressure situations, with Elise crying (again) and Carrie staring blankly into space (again). Then Jonathon walks out, yelling at everyone to kiss his ass, with Gordon in hot pursuit! What will happen? Join Medusa to find out!