Hell’s Kitchen: Cooking with Hellfire

Since Chino’s departure last week, the Blue team is hopeful that when they compete in  Monday’s episode of Hell’s Kitchen, they’ll be harder, better, faster, stronger than they were with a man who’s selling point was that he was “not the worst”… but before we rejoin the Blue team, we have to hear about the feud that’s set to boil over on Red.

We pick up with elimination. If you recall, Ravin’ was happy to tell Ramsay that if he asked her teammates for their opinion, they would surely want her to stay. She was wrong. Luckily, Chino was sent packing and the SugarTots-Ravin’ dynamic will continue… FOREVER. It feel like forever.

Krupa says it most succinctly, “Oh my God, we have to deal with this bitch again,” she states with a slight quiver in her voice.

Ravin’ is in the wine fridge, pulling herself out a bottle of post-screw pinot when Feder-grease sees the opportunity to add a couple of more kiddies to the clan, “I still love you baby,” he tells her.

As Britney should have told Kevin — Ravin’ says, “I still love me too,” and walks away.

Red has assembled on the couches waiting for the barrage from their bad-tempered teammate, sure to echo in their nightmares for years to come.  Ravin’ is ready to rip them apart…

I AM

A F&^%ING

WINNER!

She reminds her teammates that she’s a strong… a deafeningly strong player. But the impassioned plea to give her a fair chance and the impassioned argument to burn SugarTots on a spit in the parking lot falls on deaf (/deafened ears) — the Red team has lost the energy to fight with her.

She still makes it clear to the viewing audience that THEY have woken the sleeping giant and vengeance will be hers. Right after the commercial break.

Ramsay doesn’t have a creative wake up call for the contes-tards — although I am formally requesting that he attempt a neon-green smoke entrance ala the 1960s-television version of The Joker.  Blam! Splat!

Although this week’s team challenge intro is equally cartoony. When the contestants arrive in the HK dining room, Ramsay is standing in front of several prop chemistry sets like he’s filming 1990′s Fruit Roll-up Commercial…

Breaking Bad had a similar storyline, no?

Ramsay introduces two food scientists who are doing some of the coolest things with food today– two food scientists who are doing some of the coolest things with food today who DO NOT  have deals with NBC/Bravo (*cough* Marcel *coughcoughcough* Blais) — the chefs of Moto. Natalie is stupid excited to see what these men can accomplish, Mr. Wizard-style.

For their first trick, they use sound waves to change the cell structure of an orange to make instant juice.

Will listens hard to try to hear the cells screaming, but no such luck.

They instantly freeze their fruit puree with liquid Nitrogen — Tommy explains to us laymen that this is dangerous. If you’re not careful with that stuff you can freeze and crack off a body part.

Like when you cross a Gorgon. Word of warning.

Tommy is obviously the expert on all things chemical(/chemically unbalanced)… since he’s obviously been inhaling hazardous fumes since birth.

It’s best not to give him any compounds more dangerous than cinnamon and sugar.

The damned souls of Hell’s Kitchen are all amazed. The cannot wait to take a run at those chemistry sets and stumble ass backwards into creating some magic potions. Maybe something that will re-grow hair? Or braincells? Some that can give Carrie bravery, or Elise a heart?

Maybe an invisibility potion? That would be preferable to  having wifey #3 wear a bag over her head… AMMM I right or AMMMA I right, Feder-grease?

Ready to stew some magic beans?

Well, there is no insurance company on the planet that would be responsible for these idiots playing with chemicals, it was enough of a battle to have the property insured knowing these people would be living and working there, armed with lemon juice and knives.

Ramsay announces that “the best chefs…

..and a good deal of mediocre chefs…

…can do amazing things with very little”. Despite the laser show, the contestants will only be using fire and water to cook their proteins for this challenge. Their protein has to be boiled, steamed or poached. There are 6 proteins (Red will double up on one of the them) that each team has to prepare. They have 45 minutes to do so.

Jonathon is disappointed that he won’t be using a hoverboard to get the ingredients from the pantry, he’s being forced to “go back 100 years” — about the time when man discovered fire. The Sumarian culture of 1900 BC was more evolved than the compound that produced Jonathan… sheesh.

The teams are headed into their kitchens, SugarTots in taking the repeat protein with Elizabeth, they will both prepare prawns.

Jersey Girl Gina has her first one-liner of the season when she screams at Krupa for taking Guinea hens. Gina is from the Jersey Shore, if she’s taking a run at anything… it’s a guinea.

Bitch get off my Gorilla Juicehead Guinea Hen.

Krupa claims she had called dibs, but apparently when she speaks up, Gina can be quite intimidating so Krupa backs down and sullenly grabs the last remaining cut of meat, the “veal”.

Damn you, veal.

A few moments later Elizabeth announces that no one is doing veal, Jamie and Krupa’s ears perk up and they confirm that Krupa is on veal — but neither one of them look at the piece of meat that Elizabeth is referring to as “veal” and the piece of meat Krupa believes to be veal.

Compare and contrast.

The time is up and Red has to taste the two prawn dishes and decide which one they would like to enter into the head-to-head challenge. Without even tasting SugarTot’s offering, Ravin’ is happy to start praising Elizabeth’s dish. G-Ram even calls her on it and wants to know why she would decide on Lizzie’ dish before tasting SugarTot’s…

No, the first step to tasting a dish is to place it on your tongue…

Ravin’ is happy to explain to the camera that she tastes with her eyes first — and the clear winner is Lizzie, because SugarTots sucks. Because.

SugarTots doesn’t see the point in fighting the verdict. Can’t fight City Hall.. or the hookers on the nearby corner. So she takes her place in line without a dish.

without her dignity and without a safe distance from Ravin’.

Ramsay has them assemble before the guest judges and then he calls for battle filet mignon.

Jonathon is presenting for the men, Feder-grease’s plate contains the filet slopped next to some peppers,onions, tomatoes and some shit-smeared potatoes.

Cowpies have more visual interest.

The Moto-men think it’s a trainwreck, but the meat is cooked well.

Feder-grease goes on to say that it’s the “best tasting f&^%ing trainwreck you’ll EVER experience!” If I am ever in a train wreck and I am forced to eat my fellow passengers to fend off starvation until rescue units arrive, I’ll be to refute that claim upon my return to work at TVgasm… but for know, let’s just press on.

HomeHighlights presents her filet. It’s nothing special, but it’s executed well and Jennifer wins because her plate looks like it came from a kitchen and not from the salad bar at Cici’s.

Next up is Monty and Elizabeth’s with prawns dishes. Monty has prawns Eggs Benedict. Because no one likes picking shellfish out of their Hollandaise sauce…

Monty doesn’t earn a point. Lizzie’s dish isn’t seasoned well, so Ramsay takes the opportunity to stir the shit and calls for SugarTots’ dish. Naturally, it’s better than both the previous offerings. Ramsay’s disgusted with both teams and neither are awarded a point.

Carrie celebrates alone. Even though she doesn’t earn any points for her team, or any fan points for her tootsie roll…

Up next, Jamie presents over cooked salmon to Ramsay. (I think Jamie has a perfect record of presenting overcooked shit during challenges. I’m going to guess and say her proteins are as off-putting as her personality.)

She’s up against Will, who is consistent. Slimey, but consistent. He walks away with the point.

TOMMY AND GINA (WHO NEVER BACKED DOWN-OUWNNNN) are up with their guineas… Gina (she must have worked the diner all day) is passable, but Tommy’s plate looks like Bluto’s tray in the Faber cafeteria. Ramsay wants to know why he’s heaped so much food on to one plate. Tommy proudly responds, “I don’t know why I do things, I just do them.”

Just do it! Then TATTOO it!

I hope that one gives you a headache that pulsates through the faults on your forehead, Gordo.

These are the characters you are branding and inflicting upon primetime. Point Gina.

Next up is lobster and Ravin’s is overcooked, so Paulie Meatballs walks away with a compliment and a point for Blue.

It all comes down to the final protein. Natalie is presenting her veal versus Krupa’s “veal”. Nat’s terrine is compared to catfood and Krupa is told that hers lacks refinement, but tastes quite good. One problem:

THAT’S

NOT

VEAL!

MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO-rons!

Krupa is left standing in front of the judges with her ugly beef in her hands as she and the entire Red team is reamed. Ramsay couldn’t possibly hand the win to a bunch of screw-ups, so the men win the challenge even though Natalie prepared Fancy Feast for the judges.

So the women have lost by one point and several GIGANTIC misjudgements — half the team didn’t earn their round’s point, not one of them lobbied for Carrie’s dish which Ramsay said was the superior dish and no one paid attention to the oxidizing veal that was left out of the competition. Instead reflecting on what they could have done differently and be fair…  all the shit is heaped on Krupa’s head and she is on the brink of tears as the women start their punishment.

As the men strip down to their bathing suits and get in the hot tub at the day spa, Krupa and HomeHighlights are dumping heavy doses of penicillin into the hot tub at the house, as the rest of the red team is out front polishing Ramsay’s pebbles — by that I mean, they’re cleaning the water feature at the entrance to Hell.

In case anyone wants to update your charts at home, Elise confirms that her “pisstivity level is very high.”

With a chance of shit storms and rolling blackouts…

That will make for a charming day at the pool.

The Red team reassembles in the kitchen, where they have to prep dinner service for Red and Blue. Meanwhile in a spa across town, Tommy is pondering what spa services he will be receiving… he guesses that he may get some “hot stones on his asschecks.”

Not outside prison walls, dude.

And some innocent women are tasked with the equally repellent work  of waxing members of the Blue team.

Shakespeare is the first to MAN-UP and get his eyebrows waxed. “My wife does it!” He proclaims. I’m not sure if he’s bragging that he’s married to a woman with some grooming abilities, or if he’s saying it can’t be that painful.

Nah, waxing don’t hurt. I mean, not unless you’re a bitch. You know what I mean?

Back at the kitchen the women are exhausted, as Blue re-enters seemingly revitalized from their spa respite.

Dinner service starts out with mistakes from Krupa on apps in Red. Her risotto is soupy and Ramsay uses this opportunity to throw the filet-fiasco back in her face. “You can’t tell the difference between veal and beef, but you must be able to tell the difference between soup and risotto!” He screams as Krupa sees her comeback slipping through her sweaty fingers.

Krupa the Komeback K–blechhhh.

Luckily, Ramsay is distracted by HomeHighlights who he has serving halibut sashimi table side in the Red dining room. She’s sweating like a whore in church… when in fact she’s in an air-conditioned dining room, 50 ft from an oven, she’s having more hot flashes than a meeting of the Red Hat Society.

The Blue kitchen is serving appetizers and the men seem to be on a steady course until Paulie Meatballs has to stall his station to explain the menu to Feder-grease, who is on garnish. Since Feder-grease hasn’t had the experience of assembling plates with various, colorful and complimentary components (as opposed to slop in shades of beige and grey)… he’s confused as to which components go on the plate.

I added the orange, where does the green come in?

When Ramsay is done marveling at his professional proteges, he’s back in the Red kitchen to call out Krupa on her pasta. She’s accused of serving Chef Boyardee-like slop to the patrons.

I hope they at least serve beer in Hell.

Krupa puts the blame on Gina, since Gina can’t give her team appropriate timing. she screws all their chances at getting things prepared correctly. Before Krupa get to present this theory to Chef Ramsay, she’s kicked out.

In Blue, Monty has brought up a raw Wellington. Monty is soon engulfed in a wave of G-Ram’s profanity — surprisingly, Monty is able to regain his composure and try again with another order of Beef Wellington. And fail, again. Tommy keeps pushing back the timing and Monty is re-heating the same piece of meat again and again. For the lack of communication and teamwork, both men are told to get out.

Tommy didn’t  see why he was attracting negative attention…

In Red, Gina is causing timing problems with Elise. She doesn’t communicate to her team members and then she presents a piece of raw fish to G-Ram and he snaps.

Gordon snap… then Gordon SMASH!

Gina and Ravin’ are history, they’re sent to bicker with Krupa who has been previously expelled.

Somehow the remaining players finish dinner service with out the helping hands of their expelled teammates, but it doesn’t matter because Ramsay doesn’t award anyone the win. ” I can’t see a leader anywhere,” he tells them before accuses them of   “going backwards.” He asks for two nominees from both teams.

The men settle on Monty and Tommy quite easily, but the women are at odds trying to decide on who should be sent up. At the elimination ceremony SugarTots announces that they nominated Krupa and Ravin’. None of their contestants offer a compelling defense, but Ravin’ does offer a damning testimony to Gina’s suckiness — Gordo agrees and Gina’s eliminated.

Not quite at the half way point and I still have my fingers crossed for a double-elimination — how do you feel about this season?  There’s a little more talent and a lot more mouth this season. In anyone entertained? Annoyed? Saddened? Probably a little saddened, right?