Hell’s Kitchen: Coulrophobia and Other Nightmares…

It’s too good to be true, contes-tards are leaving Hell’s Kitchen at a steady pace. We may just make it through season nine before The World Series — or before  Hulu and Fox come to a mutually ridiculous agreement to impose an 8-day waiting period before I can watch TV equivalent of prison gruel. Episode Three of Hell’s Kitchen is here!

Last week Brendon was sent packing for being inflated with hot Jersey-fumes and no substance. That night Carrie fell asleep in the HK smush after being screwed by her team instead of her competition.

The Red team must address the request from Gordo… one of the them will have to join the men’s team. Both Natalie and Jamie want the opportunity to step-up (or Step-Up 2: The Streets) to the challenge of leading the Blue team. Ultimately the women decide that they’re willing to forfeit the opportunity to work with the bumbling Blue team if that means that they can split up Raven and SugarTots who will never retreat to their corners without forcible intervention.

…probably shouldn’t have sent a head shot and a picture of your “I <3 Trouble” tattoo as part of your Top Chef application.

Meanwhile the men are bitching about the babysitter that is being sent to the Blue kitchen. Monty feels that if they win next time it will be “because of another person, from another team came over, that’s f$^%ed.” Why learn something from a new teammate when you can continue to have your ass handed to you by your professional idol? I didn’t come here to learn! I came here to WIN!

She’ll make us wash our hands and tie our shoes. Backwards hats? GONE!

Paulie Meatballs puts his foot down and says that whoever gets traded will be accepted… “if she’s blue. She’s BLUE.”

As the contestants sleep, exhausted from another day of shaming their families, friends and hometowns, a packs of clowns descend on Hell’s Kitchen.

…because images of a blond bull dog ripping out their entrails isn’t enough to keep them from REM, they’re given an early morning wake-up call by a hoard of clowns. The clowns spray silly string, honk horns, throw glitter and scare the ever-loving shit out of the 15 adults remaining in the HK dorms. … AND I don’t blame they for springing out of bed like scorpions have been released in their sheets.

Holy Three Ring Circus, Batman

Will unleashing a string of curses so powerful that the horns and whistles cannot drown it out.

As the men pick silly string from their already soiled sheets — and the girls wipe the glitter from their hair, they’re herded into the dining room for their third team challenge.

The sous chefs are on hand to point and laugh and announce that since they all act like clowns, Ramsay thought he’d arrange a visit from clowns.

Tommy is not impressed with Ramsay’s alarm clock-innovation and tells the camera, ” it’s stunning metaphor, my mind has been blown”. This man obviously sees his ink as warrior paint, and not clown’s make-up, as much… I would disagree. BlueCanary mentioned last week that she saw hints of Jake Gyllenhaal in Tommy — which I thought was EXCEEDINGLY kind. I still see Tommy as Adam Goldberg with a touch of Marty Feldman. Anyone?

They were wrong then, weren’t they?

Ramsay now asks for the Red team’s volunteer to move to Blue. The Red team had decided on Carrie and Gordon acknowledges their reasonable recommendation and ignores it. Gordon treats Carrie like he treats his wife… he look through her and goes for a younger blonde. Natalie will move over to Blue, which is an opportunity she wanted — but bad news for the Red team, since they’re now stuck with Carrie and Raven who are ready to scratch out each other eyes with nothing more than a burnt scallop as an excuse.

In the kitchen the two teams are assembled waiting for their team challenge. They watch as the clowns re-enter — ‘not those jerks again’, they say to themselves. ‘I hate those jerks!’ But, alas they have jerkier clientele to cook for this week. CHILDREN.

CHILDREN follow the parade of clowns into the dining room and climb into the dining room booths. Ramsay announces that all the teams have to do is serve quesadillas and pasta to the children, and then spilt the work of operating one panini press between the 7 team members and they’ll complete the challenge.

Feder-grease tells the camera that seeing the kids reminds him why he’s here… he’s here for his four(ty) babies. He misses his babies. I fear that his “babies” are were-rottweilers… anyone else fear he has a compound where he’s interbreeding animals along with his brothercousins?

Every Meth kitchen needs a good cook…

Blue gets rolling quickly, with minimal argument about how to boil water and they get their pasta and quesadillas out to all the children.

Despite Jamie throwing up charred roadblocks in the form of inedible quesadillas…

No, honey, he said “silly”… “Silly” bitches.

Red is right on their tail until the second phase of the service where they will be forced to make… SANDWICHES. Hot sandwiches, but the really the panini press does the heavy lifting. The women are really only responsible for the on/off switch.

How many idiots does it take to handle an on switch? Three—one to hold the switch and two to turn the ladder.

However, the women haven’t set up an assembly line as much as sumo match. They’re running into each other and panting with such force that they fall behind the men and lose the challenge. The team is more than happy to say it was Carrie than destroyed their work stations like Godzilla attacking Tokyo, but it seems to me that it was the sheer simplicity of the task that kept them in the race at all.

You cannot walk more than a block in Manhattan and without finding two men with a lunch cart that can push out 20 falafel sandwiches in 20 minutes with just 9 feet of space and camp stove — all the Red team excelled at was getting more hands to touch one sandwich than the door handle in a bus station bathroom.

This is why there are so many George Foreman Grill-related injuries in America.

That’s so Ravin’ starts bitching about the issues that will cause problems at dinner service. The “issue” that likes to add sugar to mashed potatoes and smush the least talented chefs, namely Carrie.

SugarTots stops mid-stride and turns to face Ravin’ who insists Carrie back out of her space.

This is my dance space, that is YOUR dance space…

Jamie intervenes and tells Carrie that her boundary issues are part of the problem in the kitchen… Carrie has no choice but to back down. Ravin’ renews the argument in front of Ramsay and calls her a chicken(head) with her head cut off…

She also takes the opportunity to mock SugarTot’s “O” / “Oh, God the kitchen is in flames”-face.

So, the men + NotCarrieNatalie are sent to get changed as the women are tasked with cleaning the dining room and assembling a playground for HK’s Family night, which will be the following day. As the women are armed with tools the Blue team of tools are off to see some weaponry.

Ramsay, sick of paying for Arbys-level appetites being fed Aquavit-level meals has decided to give HK’s budget a break and instead send the Blue team to a place that may make them feel more at home. A place where they can eat with their hands and spill their beer… and there are already precautions in place to protect them from flying food — he sends them to Medieval Times.

And they couldn’t be more stoked if they were sent there in stock cars equipped with Slurpee machines…

The women are in the HK fighting over PlaySkool instructions, the men are given the opportunity to L.A.R.P. until their hearts are content. They don the knights’ gear and swing swords around and miraculously keep all their limbs.

Men! Time to storm the White Castle!

Medieval Times sends all the men home with toy swords and shields — it’s like Halloween at the trailer park and the new residents are giving out name brand candy.

Nothing gives a man-child a sense of pride like a sharp stick and a paper crown.

When he sees the women, Tommy walks over to say, “when the wenches are finished with the day’s work, bring me flagon of mead,” then grins ear to ear, so proud of himself that he may just crack his forehead tattoo…

Sir Ladykiller, thou fly is open.

The Blue team settles down and approaches Natalie to ask the secret of Red team’s last success. Natalie tells them that the women had everything broken out by menu item and lists at every station. They were organized — and she shows the men a sample list.

There are markin’s on this here rollin’ paper…

The men nod and agree that it’s a simple solution, they should try it. The Red team is congregating too. Ravin’ wants to know what they’re going to do with SugarTots during the next dinner service. “Help me come up with a solution,” she says to Jamie and HomeHighlights Jennifer. However, before they can brainstorm a way to make SugarTots disappear, she storms over to confront them… but mainly gets into it with Jamie, who out-shouts her with ease.

Weren’t the quesadillas better with sugar? It’s my Mamma’s recipe!

Carrie storms off and Ravin’ and Jen go back to planning to install a trap door under each station.

At dinner service the next day, the Red’s team fear is realized and Carrie and Jennifer are assigned to the meat station. The Red team is so fed up with each other, that as prep is underway the women can’t stomach speaking to each other.

Ya heard?

On Blue, the men are very happy with their new dynamic and they are sure they will secure another victory.

For family night to go smoothly, Ramsay elected Chino and Gina to assist James in the dining room — they’ll be on hand when Los Angeles’ Child Protective services are tipped off that HK is allowing 100 children to view the brutal death of 15 egos.

Ramsay has added a childen’s menu which includes chicken fingers, burgers and spaghetti — plus a pizza to start. Stardard fare for even a Jack In The Box -chef. The teams should not have any trouble pushing out plates. Chino has mastered some (but not all) of the front of the house skills — he put on the tie, but he and doesn’t offer his table sides, and he doesn’t write legibly.

Ramsay sends him back to the Blue dining room, but momentarily loses track of Chino as he sneaks away to find a toddler to re-write his tickets.

Once the orders are in to Ramsay, he gives the men their first orders. It takes no time for Tommy to over cook the chicken fingers. He makes the mortal error of questioning the quality of his work, but sending the plate to the pass anyway… because Ramsay often loosens his standards…

For casting contestants, anyway.

The women have the pizzas out, KrazyKrupa has the risotto at the pass and just when they think apps will be leaving the kitchen at a steady pace, Amanda tries to signal a nearby American Indian tribe for help.

Who said smoke signals are only effective outdoors?

Ravin’ stands by and screams through the bonfire at Ramsay… as he leaves and heads back to the Blue kitchen to inspect Tommy’s apps. They’re terrible.

“I have children, would you serve them that? It looks like a baby’s flip flop.” He says as he throws the chicken jerky back in Tommy-jerky’s face.

Carrie and Jennifer are on deck for red, they have to get the meat station cranking. Jennifer asks SugarTots to confirm the order, Carrie says they have two NY Strip, plus a burger and a Wellington.

Only they don’t. Jennifer delivers the food to the pass and Ramsay wants to know why she’s created an order for a table that doesn’t exist.

Red is at a stand-still after their first ticket. In Blue, Will is riding Tommy’s ass. And although it’s more embarrassing than his neck tattoos, he’s thankful for Will’s help.

Idea for Tommy’s next tattoo? Property of Shakespeare.

In the Red kitchen, Amanda hasn’t finished cooking the bass when Ramsay calls for it. It’s in the oven as Ravin’ starts rattling off Aman-DUH’s list of fish-offenses to Ramsay.

Amanda is flustered and getting yelled at from both sides, so it’s not entirely surprising when the post traumatic stress takes hold a few minutes later and Aman-DUH has forgets to put on an order of cod. Ramsay wants her to fight back.

Who’s going to want you know? Aman-DUH.

Natalie had a slow start on the mean station, under cooking the Beef Wellington — but she’s able to rebound and the Blue team is sailing. Still at work on their first ticket, Red’s Ravin’ screams at SugarTots for standing with her hands on her hips while they should be cooking.

Shake those TOTs

Carrie snaps back into reality and attends to her lamb. She brings it to Ramsay — and it’s wrong. G-Ram has had enough of Red and he tells them to stop attempting to cook and go out and apologize to their dining room.

Still bleeding? Isn’t that how you serve lamb?

They make the rounds to all the screaming children and offer then free Frosty vouchers to make up for the inconvenience.

Yes little boy, we’re very sorry you’re hungry and that you’ve been exposed to Carrie.

Ravin’ leads her team to the tables, but tells the camera that “there is only so much you can do with a broken leg… h’rumph.” When they get back to the kitchen Ramsay tells them gently and lovingly that there are all special people and everyone makes mistakes.

No, he tells them to get the f^%$ out and don’t let the door hit’ya where the good Lord split’ya.

Blue finishes Red’s tickets as the women are sent to the dorms to commence the hair pulling and eye scratching… In the dorm kitchen, Ravin’ zeroes in on Carrie and wants to know if she’s on medication.

She tells the camera that this can be a positive if Carrie gets sent home. Elise says that Carrie screwed the whole rhythm of the kitchen and Carrie is REALLY offended. She admits that she f&%^ed up the lamb, but doesn’t see the correlation to the team losing.

Losing the challenge. This challenge? This LAST challenge? Ten minutes ago? I just don’t see it.

The women are still red-faced and seething when they arrive at elimination. G-Ram calls Carrie, Amanda and Jennifer before him. Carrie says that she has a passion for cooking — even though she’s been consistently not good. Gross, really.

However, G-Ram has his patented “no-fight back” excuse holstered to send Amanda home and retain SugarTots and the discord with Ravin’.

That’s why this show has spanned a decade… amazing casting and shameless ploys from the producers. What do you think ‘Gasmi?Amanda was told she was talented during the first ep — Carrie hasn’t received a compliment to date. It’s total crap that she got the pass. Total crap. I assume you all agree.