Hell’s Kitchen: Episode 3+4= 2 Hrs of Hell

In this weeks sexy and spicy 2 hour episode we move on without Mohawk Mikey and freaky deeky serial killer Andrew.  Benjamin is pissed right off the bat because he thinks that Jason should have been eliminated.  Jason can sense all the anti-jason tension and lets them have it.  For “throwing him under the bus.” He goes on to say, “Don’t sit there and plot, we don’t do that where I come from.”  Oh, he must not be from a reality show.  Unless he’s one of the babies from Jon and Kate + 8.  Cuz no one ever gets eliminated on that show.  Unless you’re the dad.  Jay thinks that Jason is ridiculous.  Jason throws a chair around and swears that he’s the best cook and easy to work with.  He goes on about how “he could break that chair with his *****.”  Wow, he can break the chair with his ****?  It must be true what they say about black dudes.  Take note Berry!

JASON SMASH RISOTTO!!

They argued all night.  The next morning Chef Ramsay is going to give them a teamwork challenge.  Meaning that Hell’s Kitchen is open for lunch.  Autumn says that she is able to cook on a level that not many people can.  A bitch level.

Supposedly a lunch service with an easy menu of burgers and fries will help boost the teams’ morale.  The girls are stoked, Siobhan calls onion rings!!!

Jason pulls himself together and asks himself “Do you want to work at the Savoy up under Chef Ramsay.”  I hope his answer is yes because he’d get a great view of some Ramsay Balls.

JP is asked to open the doors and in marches the USC marching band.  Plus cheerleaders, baton twirlers and a random drag queen.

THE FIGHTING TRANNIES

“Order up!”  “Cheeseburger!”  “Yes Chef!”  Teamwork!  Jason is flying solo on a sald for some reason meanwhile Autumn and Old Fran are double teaming the hell out of the red team’s salad station.

Jason is not responding to the other’s calls and moans.  Also he is using 1 glove to toss the salad.  Um, I’m no salad preparer but isn’t that half gross?  He finally delivers his first salad.

Tossing salad Michael Jackson style…………..literally!

Nilka is finally showing her team spirit by screaming like an insane person on the bus.  Clapping and screaming about chicken.

Maria loses it because Jamie is on the burger station.  I believe she said, “I’m going to stand next to you and keep my hands on the meat.”  Maria will be damned if they lose this one.  She will also be damned if she can’t feel up Jamie’s meat.

Redheaded Scott sends up a raw burger.  Nastay.  And probably super embarrassing for him.  He’s going to have to justify why it’s the meat’s fault and not his.  And how the meat needs a good mentor.

Everyone starts chanting “RED RED RED”, then the drag queen starts saying “BLUE!”  Things just got really weirdly intense.  TOUCH IT!  GO!  FRIES!  OH MY GOD!  Maria is barking and frauthing and turning bright red.

The red coats are coming!  OMG WAIT THAT’s US!!!!

FRIES FRIES FRIES!!!!!  LADIES WON!  They are screaming worse than the panty raid in Revenge of the Nerds.  They were actually screaming more than any horror movie ever.  The ladies win a luxurious day at the beach.  Siobhan is so happy that she won because she can go outside and put her feet in the sand.  Or just be outside in general since she’s never been outside before.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Yup, SPAM wellington.

Meanwhile the men have to pick up garbage in the LA river.  Old Fran is trying to put the moves on Nilka by saying that she’s going to wear her MILF outfit.  Then explaining to Nilka what a MILF is.  If you ask someone if they know what a MILF is and they say NO, they are lying and saying that because they don’t want to talk to you about MILF’s.  Old Fran doesn’t have a clue.  She probably really thinks she’s a MILF.  More like a COLILI (crazy old lady I’d like to ignore.)

So the guys are wading ankle deep in the miniscule Los Angeles River.  Every piece of garbage that they pick up they are waving around and making jokes about.  It’s going to take them forever if they need to do the director’s commentary on every item!!

“Can you believe someone threw this river away!?!”

The ladies go for a Woody ride to Malibu.  When they arrive they see Chef Ramsay and they all freak out squealing like a bunch of little piggies, like they’ve never seen him before.  Like he’s Justin Bieber.

Isn’t it a little late in the game to be star struck by Gordon Ramsay?

He challenges them to a game of soccer.  The ladies vs. team Ramsay.  Enter the Ram’s fam: 3 daughters, 1 son, and 1 mom.  One of the daughters was named Naughty Knickers Matilda. I can only guess that she got that name from making risotto that was too mushy and then spilling it all over her pants when she meant to slam it into the trash.  His wife has been in this season twice already.  We think she was like, “you’re doing ANOTHER season of that bloody show are you!?  Well then I’ll be there anytime you’re alone with the girl team!”  Back to the soccer game: Team Ramsay killed.  Then the ladies are allowed to relax.  They all pull up their lounge chairs and settle in on the beach.  Maria, “this is ****** beautiful.”    They get to bond and drink and play and aw it’s so sweet!

At this point we don’t think she even has a mouth.

The dudes bonded too but in a slightly grosser way.  Just slightly.

Back in the kitchen everybody is feeling good.  Jason is communicating.  Old Fran is ready to prove herself- ooops she burned her hand.  Whoops.  Guess it has been two full episodes of HK without a serious injury.  That’s gotta be some sort of record.     She chose not to tell anyone about it because she is an idiot.  G-Ram assigns Sexi Holli and Naples to each be assistant Matre’ D’s.  They both have to wear suits and ties and some how she looks better than he does.  Well, actually she looks like she’s a Transylvanian in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  She has been in the front of the house before so she’s pleased.  G-Ram cannot read Naples’ writing.  The explaination for that, is that he says he “doesn’t know how to write…..English.”  JP says that the food names are french so…..what’s the problem?  Then he remembers he’s talking to an idiot.  I guess that happens a lot on this show.

Let’s do the time warp again! (you donkey)

Redheaded Scott is taking over everything because he wants to stand out.  And it’s working, but not in the way he wants.  G-Ram reams him out for having pale potatoes, and I’m not talking about his testicles.

Naples goes around the tables trying to do damage control since no one has their food yet.  He tells a female customer that his teammate will put extra love in her salmon.  The customer is NOT impressed with that.  Guess that Italian accent thing doesn’t work as well as Naples thinks it does.

You put WHAT in my salmon?

Jason is freaking out and messing up and crumbling because he knows the team wants him out.  Then Naples brings food back to the kitchen because it’s not cooked the way it was requested.  But it was Naples’ fault. G-ram chews him out and Naples says I’m leaving, I can’t take it.  JP runs after him and says he gotta stay.  JP must get commision for every person who he convinces to stay on the show.  Today he got that bonus because he convinces Naples to stay, at least through dinner service, for his team.

In the red kitchen Old Fran’s burned hand is becoming an issue.  The women come together to help her at the meat station.

Jason is dragging on the garnish.  Jay is getting sassy saying his mom can come in and do garnish for Jason.  I hope that by his mom he meanst Redheaded Scott, cuz he is all up in the garnish station!

There is a similar situation at the Red garnish station, Siobhan is helping Jamie.  Jamie almost gets her act together but then she burns a carrot.  G-Ram cries out, “How can you burn a carrot!?”  She says, “he was all over her ass but not in a good way.”  Now we know Jamie is fantasizing about him tasting her food and being so impressed that he starts to make out with her and then she rips off her brown wig and is his super hot wife.  Sorry Jamie, that already happened this season.

Sleepy Hollow called, they said you’d know how to get rid of a headless horseman?

The blue team is pushing it boyeee. Benjamin (who is so dorky) is kicking ass.  Old Fran apparently doesn’t know the difference between raw and well done or anything in between.  Old Fran confides in Autumn that her hand is burned.  She tries to suck it up.  Then she loses more than the top layer of her hand skin, she loses her mind!  Her teammates want to make sure she’s okay but she breaks down swearing.  Autumn tattles on Old Fran.  Then G-ram sends her to the medic.  Old Fran wants to get back in there so she has him wrap up her burn.  She is paniced that they’ll put her up for elimination because of her injury.  Nah, we’d put her up for elimination just to put her out of her misery.  She’s pretty intense, even for Hell’s Kitchen.

This is your life line, and this is your insane line.  Wow, your insane line is HUGE!

The dinner service was completed.  “But does it have to be this painful?”  Yes, because this show is called Hell’s Kitchen.  If it was an easy service, it’d be called Denny’s.  Oh wait, maybe that was a rhetorical question.

The blue team wins because of of Benja-dork.  The red team goes up to smoke cigarettes lit by grill lighter while they discuss who sucked worse.  Maria is considered because her risotto was not up to par.  Jamie, because they hate her and she blows.  Old Fran because of her meat- who cares who they nominate, he’ll probably kick out JP for not letting Naples leave!

Nilka tells G-Ram that Old Fran is nominated because of all the refires on the meat.  The second nominee is Jamie because she burned mashed potatoes and she burned a carrot.  Jamie wants to stay because her flavor profile is spot on.  Old Fran should stay because she wants to stay.

And now an excerpt from Hell’s Kitchen:The Novel.  By, Fran

“Gordon screamed like he’d never screamed before, “I can’t teach an old dog new tricks!!!”

Old Fran was taken aback but she refused to let the fiery archangel of a man standing before her win this battle, “I’m not an old dog.”

Gordon with his head held high, surrendered.  And in a whispered tone released, “I believe you can fight back.”  She stepped back into the line, surprised by her own courage and thankful for his mercy.”

Thank you so much!  The book will be available in no bookstores ever.

Back to Jamie, who just found out that she is getting the boot.  The ole’ Brit boot.  She is pissed because she believes that “she is a superior chef” and “we don’t know her.”

Mommy, where do people go when they get kicked out of hell?

Think this episode/recap is over?  HA!  Think again.  There is a whole ‘nother episode about to go down here, now!  Cue the theme song, AGAIN!!

“Fiiiirree”

I guess we were hoping it was going to be a two hour episode, not just 2 episodes back to back.  Not sure why, it just feels kind of sneaky.  Like they lost the new episode of Lie To Me or something.

Aren’t you so glad that Fat Robert isn’t in this season?  I guess it’s still early enough for him to make some sort of sassy appearance.  Now we’re into Episode 4 and Old Fran thinks that G-Ram kept her for a reason.  Probably to see if she’ll let him pop her burn blisters.

G-Ram tells Naples that he hasn’t given up on him so he better step it up and fight back.  And maybe take some Human as a Second Language lessons.  Readheaded Scott must have had his ear pressed up against the door because he decides to take Naples under his wing Dangerous Minds style.

“If you take my advice and do it my way you just might come across like as much of a dick as me.  Maybe.  If you’re really lucky.”

The next morning the challenge is to be under an insane amount of pressure to see how creative they can be on the spot.  Their pubes are going to be set on fire?!  Oh no, it’s just a craps table with enormous dice.  Each team member rolls the letter dice, then has to come up with an ingredient that starts with that letter to go into their teams dish.  Redheaded Scott asks G-Ram to blow on his dice.  He wishes anyone would blow anything of his.

Luck be a competent cook tonight!

The blue boys get: halibut, endive, salsify, crab, peas, and bacon.  The red ladies turn- oh brother Old Fran says, “Beets?”  Nilka says Shallots?  Autumn says Mango?  WHAT!!!???  Siobhan very confidently says Ham.  Maria says Turnips.  Wow.  Sexi Holli rolls a ‘D’ and says, “Deep Shit.”  JK, she says Duck. I guess the ladies will be serving my favorite dish.  Yup, every Easter-giving we have a delicious HamDuckIps.  Mom goes out and force feeds the pig to the duck and then shoves all of it into a turnip.  Yummy and classy.

The men’s dish is pretty good.  The women’s is delicious even though it looks bad.  And the………………MEN’s team wins.  Because the ladies had too much duck fat.  Autumn says some sensual thing about how she touched the duck breast and it was too fatty.

The reward for the men is sky diving.  Jason is pissed.  He does not like planes.  He turned into B.A. Baracas real quick.  “I don’t jump out of no ***** planes.”  G-Ram is going to have to slip some drugs into his milk.

The ladies’ punishment is to clean the hell out of the front entry way.  Siobhan thinks they need to clean as well as JP’s hair looks.  She has a crush on his hair.  Weird.

Later at Universal City Walk the men find out that they are actually doing indoor skydiving.  Jason is extremely relieved, unfortunately he cannot take back the pee that is dripping down his leg.  The dudes just have so much fun at iFly.  I think it’s important that you all know that I, Fran have partaken in the iFly.  That exact one.  Yes, it’s true.  Gordon Ramsay and I have both floated in the same air tube.  That’s on my resume now.

I pity the fool who would make fun of how my cheeks flap in the air tube!

The girls are busy prepping in the kitchen and they still have to prep the boys kitchen.  Maria starts to break down.  She’s so upset because she “doesn’t want to let Ramsay down.”  This show is like watching people go through sleep deprevation torture.  Also we half expected her to say Daddy instead of Ramsay.  She excuses herself and goes out on the steps to cry.  Sous Chef Andy (the hot girl) has a heart to heart with her by saying, “you can’t be emotional, it’s food.”  That snapped Maria out of it she was back in the kitchen in a flash being semi-normal again.  G-Ram asks Maria to “bring her pretty face over here” and she takes it really really the wrong way.  She can’t get that stupid grin off her face.  She got hit with an arrow by a hell’s cherub.  A filthy little dimpled ass hell’s cherub.

Mrs. Maria Ramsay  Mrs. Ramsay  Mrs. Batshitcrazy-Maria Ramsay

Tonight at dinner each team is hosting a celebrity guest.  Put celebrity in quotes, really loose quotes.  I would be more excited to see the HK contestants on the street than this “celebrity” who is the wife of somebody from Entertainment Tonight.

Redheaded Scott keeps talking about he has to mentor everybody.  He truly is the Michelle Pfiefer of Hells Kitchen Season 7.  He is also making everyone crazy.  Jay says that if he” met him in a dark alleyway he’d beat him so hard.”  Gross, they should get a room.  Scott reminds everybody that it’s a team, and on a team everyone listens to everything Scott says.

Siobhan does the old Old Fran lobster/crab switcheroo.  She can’t tell the two apart and whomever prepped her station put them in the wrong containers.  It’s causing a stir.   It’s only 30 minutes into dinner service?!?! Oh that’s right the 2nd dinner service that we’ve seen tonight.  We’re full!

Nilka and Autumn are communicating.  As a result the beef is cooked perfectly.  Also cooked perfectly, Naples’ salmon.  G-Ram gets on Ed’s ass for rock hard mashed potatoes.  If Maria had overheard that she’d blush.

“Hi, I’m on this show too!”

Autumn is dropping salmon all over the stove.  “You handle fish like you’re a *&%$# donkey.”  G-Ram is insulted that she has no respect for the ingredients.  In the boys kitchen Redheaded Scott’s meat is not working out.   Berry’s bet is in that Redheaded Scott goes home.  Scott is scrambling to fix his filets, he’s has taken up mentoring himself.

Nilka rocked another batch of wellington.  And it lookes delicious.  Like yummy man!  Scott’s rare is really raw.  G-Ram tells him to &^%$ off.  Naples continues to shine on the fish station.  He continued to shine on the fake celebrities too, by speaking Italian to them.  Oh, maybe they are Italian celebs and that’s why we don’t know or care who they are.

Both teams are pushing out the desserts.  Everyone is happy for completeing service relatively well.  Both teams are fairly pleased with themselves.  G-Ram is amazed by how great they were.  Then this weird funk bass line starts happening, it’s like someone is about to break into a sexy song.  G-Ram says that Nilka and Naples did so well, it’s up to them to put up someone from each team.

I has a flavr

Nilka is sort of set on Autumn then someone brings up the Siobhan crab/lobster incident.  Naples tells Redheaded Scott he’s going to put him up and Scott rattles off his resume to convince him to spare him.  On the choppin’ block Nilka selects Autumn and Naples selects his own personal Obi Wan, Redheaded Scott.  They step forward.   G-Ram accuses Autumn of being soulless.  He didn’t see the pain in her eyes when she dropped that salmon on the stove.  She didn’t cry over spilt milk, and it could be the end of her.

Redheaded Scott says he cooked like a *&$*%! tonight and he’s the best leader to his own detrement.  G-Ram says he talks like a politician.  They are both instructed to take their jackets off and SWITCH!!!  They’ve been given a new chance on a new team!!!  And they have risen and will start anew!  A whole new set of people to piss off.  We can’t wait.

My Cooking Technique is Un-stoppable!

Next week: The competition turns deadly and there are little baby piglets running around in the mud. OH NO!!! PETA! PETA, WHERE ARE YOU!!?