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Okay so there’s still four. Again. Still. This season was plowin’ through and now someone slammed on the breaks. We’ve got four contenders left a dork, an a-hole, a sexy girl, and a sexy bitchy girl. Who will win!? Who will be the head chef at some fancy restaurant in London that none of us have ever heard of and will never eat at, ever in our whole lives?! Today G-Ram will narrow it down to the final two!! And now we take you to the HK dormitory where we find our heroes just after they’ve had to say farewell to their family members. The foursome are sobbing. Sobbing and chain smoking. Just really inhaling the ole’ tobacky. Jay thinks that the other contestants might be off their game from seeing their families so he thinks that he has an advantage. But then he remembers how much he needs to win so he can move out of his mom and Rick’s basement. So, the pressure’s back on!
The next morning, sexy helper chef Andi rings them and tells them to get dolled up cuz something mysterious is gonna happen!
“The call is coming from inside your convection oven!”
The girls rush to put on something smashing so we can delight in a healthy dose of pixelation. Finally the editors get a little action! The girls are lookin’ good. Benjadork dorks up in his Easter suit. And BlueJay looks……well, to put it in the words of G-Ram, “like a sack of s^#*!” He’s wearing a dumpy top and nasty old jeans. I suppose his thinks a thumb ring can dress any outfit up. He would be wrong. But that’s a case for Austin and Santino.
G-Ram tells them that they were supposed to eat at the Savoy in London, but it’s under renovation. (Can we assume G-Ram just pocketed the money that was supposed to go towards airfare and hotels?) Instead of going to London they get to eat right there in Hell’s Kitchen!! Great……….? What a treat. To share a few dishes with your co-workers at work. While they get their one bite each, G-Ram gives them a history of the Savoy. Then he abruptly asks, “Did you enjoy it?” They all nod like spoiled fat cats. “Good, because you have 45 minutes to recreate it!!!” AH!!!! The smug grin on all of their faces immediately changed to panic and they scramble into the kitchen.
Autumn is stumbling around dropping pots and pans all over the place. She is frantically trying to prove herself. Autumn, Sexi Holli, and Benjadork all settle on venison and apple puree. BlueJay is taking a risk and going with beef and pear. These sound like weird baby food meals. Autumn strays from the pack and goes with bacon over pancetta. Sexi Holli is outraged cuz of course it’s pancetta!!
It’s crucial to know your body type when selecting an apron.
Results time. G-Ram tries all of their dishes to determine who has the best palette. Jay was right about the pear. But he was very wrong in selecting the flank steak because it WAS venison. But overall people should say “FLANK STEAK” way more on this show.
The winner is between Benjadork and Sexi Holli. Autumn is crying. Sexi Holli takes the win! Benjadork’s sauce was slightly watery, he’s pissed cuz in his mind he’s the best cook. In his mind he’s also interesting and attractive and can read.
Sexi Holli’s reward is that she gets to “sunbathe her bits and bobs.” Well put G-Ram! The punishment for the losers is to pack up all the beds and furniture from the dorm because Big Brother is about to start filming a new season and they need that stuff over there. Benjadork is so angry that he didn’t win. He’s stewing and brewing in his own self pity the whole day. Jay is upset cuz Autumn talks the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME!!
“I’m gonna get a thumb ring…..for my whole ear, it’s gonna be radical!”
Sexi Holli gets to the pier and finds out she’s going on a boat ride with her baby and baby daddy! That doesn’t sound awkward at all. They see sea lions. Now that’s a real treat. When chefs see things like sea lions, do you think that they imagine what herbs would really bring the flavor out? We’re no chefs (especially Berry) but we bet if you throw a sea lion in a crock pot with some kale and garlic, it’d be pretty descent. If not, Dominos is right around the corner.
“Climb aboard Mother and let us sail the vast seas of love and imagination!”
Uh-oh the next morning Benjadork’s back is “messed up” cuz of the “heavy lifting” from the day before. He doesn’t think he can help prep the kitchen. Autumn says, “if you can’t prep there’s no reason to be in Hell’s Kitchen.” The other contestants bitch about him while they do his prep work. Cut to Benjadork sleeping in the dorm. Then cut to him in the hot tub. He goes to the medic. He says he can’t cook. Now he’s requesting to see a chiropractor. Chiropractor cracked his neck. (Berry had a dream he did that to Benjadork, but it wasn’t for medicinal purposes.)
“Benjamin, you must go to the Dagobah system. There you must stay there………so we don’t have to see you anymore.”
The other contestants are upset by Benjadork’s willingness to give up. Sexi Holli says that if her hands got cut off she’d try and cook with her feet. (In that scenario, BlueJay would get a lot of FJ’s.) Benjadork is obviously looking for way out. He tells the other chefs that he can’t cook. Then he goes to the bathroom to fix his hair before he goes to tell G-Ram he’s pussing out…..wait….the camera man caught him bending over and picking up a towel!!! OMG!! What a douche! G-Ram says that he’s throwing away an opportunity. The three others wait to see what’s going to happen………TENSION!!!!!! Most tension we’ve felt all season!!!!
“I’ve been reviewing your job application, under special skills you wrote: FAKING INJURIES.”
30 minutes before dinner service and he IS cooking tonight. He just had to take the day off and give himself his own reward.
The others are pissed. Autumn’s glad because she wants to beat his ass the fair way. For tonight’s service G-Ram is handing them the reigns. They are all taking turns at the hot plate. Benja-D is saying how he’ll push through the pain. THE PAIN!!! We will push through the pain of looking at your face.
Jay is first up on the hot plate. Sexi Holli said that BlueJay is doing really well and setting the standard. BlueJay is noticing that Benjadork is cooking normally and not wincing in pain so he gets pissed that he had to work 8 extra hours for him. Yes, keep getting angry! Berry and I feed on reality show hate and this conundrum is turning into a feast!
“Is there a thumb ring imprint in that flank steak?…..Looks delicious!”
BlueJay has his first quality control test. Sous Chef Scott tries to switch lobster for crab or something. PASS!! Then another quality control test of a similar kind and…..PASS!! Benjadork doesn’t want to be cocky but he thinks he’s the only one who can beat Jay.
Sexi Holli is a little nervous, and a little messing up. Jay is spilled sauce all over Ramsay! Gross, it’s all down his pant leg! (But enough about the after party.) Sous Chef Scott gives Sexi Holli badly cooked scallops and she sends them back. He replies, “I thought we only cook them on one side.” Watch out JP, Sous Chef Scott might be the new comedic relief on this show! But I heard Big Brother is starting a new season?
It’s Benja-D’s turn at the pass. Sexi Holli is also noticing how he has no pain and is acting his totally normal cocky self. He’s barking out orders. Benjadork fails his first quality control, he couldn’t tell the difference between venison and lamb wellington. Then he messes up his 2nd test! Didn’t know that eyesight can be affected by a back injury.
“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine”
Autumn’s turn. To Autumn, strong leadership=loud. She is getting pretty bitchy. But it’s her time! She catches a problem with the ticket so that was good. But then messes up something with the parsnips. G-Ram busts her on that mistake and she doesn’t let anything else by without it being perfect.
And service is finished. G-ram is sort of impressed, “Well done well done.” He breaks it to them that two of them are going home.
They have to go up and smoke and decide on who they hate most. Benjadork is laying down the #*$%#$%*#$” law and saying that Holli and Autumn should be gone. He hates women. Except for his mother, which we assume he has an unhealthy relationship with.
Back in the elimination dining room area the four stand before His Honorable Highness Gordon Ramsay and wait to be judged. They may all quickly defend their cases.
Benjadork says he’s passionate, and he bounced back and no one can touch his food. SO DON’T TRY TO TOUCH HIS FOOD!
Jay says he is consistent.
Autumn says she has never quit.
Holli says she has never been kicked out of the kitchen.
G-Ram may or may not have been listening to them. The first person to leave HK is……………Autumn. He’s kicking her out but he’s very complimentary to her. He wants to tap that, he heard about how much of the shows budget went into pixelating her privates. On her way out she is happy because she proved everyone wrong and she’s proud of that.
G-Ram reveals that the first person, in the final two, is…………..Jay. The second person going to the final is……..a glass of champagne? No, they just cut to an inbetween shot of champagne glasses clinking before they cut to commercial.
To be honest, we would gladly watch Jay cook off against a glass of champagne. Because you know they’d edit it to look like that champagne glass actually had a shot. And if it was Project Runway, the glass would probably win.
Back from the commercial and the second person in the finals is……………..Holli. Because of her excellent rack……of lamb! Berry is jumping for joy, he hated Benja-D worse than you! (I know how much you hate Benja-D, I’ve read your blog!)
“Eenie Meenie Miney…..The hot one!”
Benjd-D leaves going on about “Having passion and there’s no way I can go back to teaching.” Yeah, cuz no one would want to learn from him!! That’s not fair, maybe a hillbilly would want to take a teeth cleaning class from him
“This is an accurate depiction of real hell.” -Satan
Congratulations to Sexi Holli and BlueJay! Now they are going to go upstairs and plan their menus for their showdown. As they head up Holli’s subtitles say, “Hey Jay, we’re all alone……” Uh-oh! Thinks are about to get kinky up in HK!!
Next week! Lovers turned rivals!!! Hey, that’s the Fran and Berry story! Well I guess ours is “lovers turned rivals turned indifferent turned rekindled love turned mutual respect turned rivals.” But I suppose that’s every marriage’s story.
Also next week……………..AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My Hot Topic Hillbilly is flaring up again! Does anyone have a hex or an ointment to get rid of it for good?
It looks like the finale is a reunion blood bath! Nilka is back being sassy with a pan, Old Fran is back burning scallops, and Jason is back making Jay-Z analogies to an orca……IT’S GONNA BE ONE HELL (‘s kitchen) OF A FINALE!!