Hell’s Kitchen: Five is NOT better than 16

Last time, Sabrina the Barely-Not-a-Teenaged Witch was sent packing. Now only five idiots are left. Let’s get on with it.

Gail says Sabrina threw her under the bus, and that she would never do that to anyone. Trev says that this is serious business, the fun and games are over. When was this ever fun? Jillian is upset that what she does is never enough for Chef Ramsey. That’s because it’s never enough to feed a dog.

More railing on Gail, and Russell hangs out with Nona and Jillian, saying they will be the final 3.

Congrats! You’re the best of the worst chefs in America!

The chefs head outside to hear about their next individual challenge. Ramsey talks about how the LA Market has a different clientele for lunch than for dinner, and that high-powered lawyers and agents are going to be in and out. Once they get a look at these chefs’ food, that is.

Especially hers.

They have to make a signature lunch to satisfy that clientele. Russell is very excited and is ready to “get gangster on these bitches.” Look in the mirror Russell. You’re a ginger from Wisconsin. The most gangster guy there is probably the one who can tip the most cows in an hour.

Don’t mess wit me, my record is 30 cows, and they went down so damn easy, yo!

What’s the catch? There has to be a catch. Oh here it is. They have to cook out of food trucks.

Hell’s Kitchen, now delivering to your friendly neighborhood nursing homes!

Of course they’re not cooking at LA Market. The restaurant wouldn’t let any of these clowns within a 10-foot radius of the place, so it’s going to be interesting to see what happens to the winner.

What does that say? Hell’s Kitchen contestants stay away?

Gail is upset about the trucks, but Nona’s pumped for it. I hope she can fit in the tiny kitchen on the truck. The customers are going to try each truck’s sample lunch and the most popular one will win. They have one hour to make 80 portions. That’s not a lot of time at all. I expect to see some hamburgers and macaroni and cheese.

Nona- Chicken salad and bacon sandwich on a croissant with sweet potato chips

Jillian- Herb chicken with mixed vegetables

Trev- Penne pasta with grilled Italian sausage and tomato sauce

Russell- Grilled octopus and saffron aioli salad (once again, “keeping it gangsta)

Gail- Grilled skirt steak salad with mangoes and candied pecans

Basically boring, like I expected. If Russell can execute well I think he’ll be the winner, although some people may be wary of octopus. Time’s up, and the professional horde descends upon the unsuspecting idiots. Trev tries to use his charms to flatter his female customers. You can guess how that goes.

Isn’t this funny Lisa? He thinks he’s charming! Let’s back away slowly.

Nona says that this is what they do in the south, make people happy. And give them heart attacks from clogged arteries, but that’s another story.

From thisiswhyyourefat.com. A glazed donut BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich. Midnight snack in Nona’s house?

Lunch time is over, and it’s time to hear the results. Ramsickle says that 61% of diners called this the worst dish…Rusell’s octopus! What an upset! I knew they would have a problem with the octopus. Or maybe Russell just cooked it wrong. This is gonna be bad for his street cred on the farm. And the winner, with 40% of the votes, is unbelievably Gail’s! WTF. Maybe she’s not as horrible as everyone thought. Or maybe she can only cook out of a truck.

When LA Market On Wheels opens, I’m your chef.

Nona was only 2% behind. Gail’s reward is a trip to Beverly Hills to get a makeover by famed hairsylist Jose Eber. For some reason Trev looks bummed that he didn’t get it. First he loves his shopping spree, then he wants a makeover. I wouldn’t be surprised if after this show he comes out as a tranny. Just sayin’. Then she’ll be going back to Hollywood where fashion critic Stephen Cojocaru will style her for a new look. Jillian is jealous, saying Gail needs the makeover most.

Says the girl with red hair and drawn-on eyebrows.

Gail goes to meet Jose. However, who she finds is…

OMG it’s Billy Ray Cyrus! Jk, I don’t think Billy Ray has liver spots yet.

And here’s Gail’s new hair.

I bet she’ll get tired of the sparkles pretty soon.

Meanwhile, the losers fix up the outside of Hell’s Kitchen. That means sweeping, painting, cleaning, etc. They also have to clean the food trucks from earlier. Gail goes to see the fashionista.

There are no words.

He spouts out such gems as “I’m having a fashion seizure!” and “I’m so excited I’m jumping out of my skin!” and “We’re giving you FIRE! HOT!” Why have I not heard of him before, and why does he not have a show on Bravo? Here’s one of Gail’s many new looks from Stephen.

This will go great with her new sparkly hair!

When Gail comes back to HK, Trev turns into slimeball extraordinaire, as low-budget porn smooth-jazz music plays in the background. He ‘s definitely a fan of Gail’s makeover.

Why is he always shirtless? Is he hoping one of the ladies will finally notice his hidden charms and fall for his frail, chain-smoking ass? Dream big.

Everyone either compliments or hates on Gail’s new look, but that’s not important. Dinner service is! Russell and Jillian seem to have formed an alliance- it’s the birth of Team Ginger (even if one of them is a bottle redhead). Jillian is not going to help Gail if she messes up, which is a great attitude to have in the kitchen towards your teammate.

Ramsey allots the jobs- Nona and Russell on apps, Jillian on fish, Gail on garnish, and Trev on meat. Trev says that if none of them can pull off the dinner service at this point, then none of them deserve to be here. Way to hit the nail on the head, Trev!

Apparently Jillian has never cooked scallops before, but she’s confident it’ll be easy. Let’s guess the first dish to come back from The Rams is going to be. Ahahaha, Stephen Cojocaru is a diner! He’s worn his transsexual best tonight, meaning he looks like the bastard love child of Ellen deGeneres and Michael Jackson, with some Stephen Tyler thrown in for good measure.

I’m just a sweet transvestite….

What do you know, Jillian screws up the scallops (or as Ramsey says, “scullops”), and they have to start over. Meanwhile, twelve US Marines show up to eat. I hope they’re not expecting to get food much better than what they probably get in their mess hall. Jillian can’t get the scallops right, even with Russell trying to help her, and Nona’s getting pissed that it keeps messing up her spaghetti. Finally she gets them cooked perfectly and dinner continues.

You mess up again? It’s gonna be this fist, in your ass.

Bring it on! You’ll get this spoon in return!

Now Nona’s serving undercooked pasta. Come on Nona! A four year old can cook pasta! Jillian has learned that it only takes a minute and a half to cook scallops, so she’s counting down from 90 for each pan. That’s going to get old, real fast.

Some more high-profile guests arrive for dinner!

This is my frumpy friend. She tags along to make me look better in comparison.

Jillian starts losing it at the fish station with the halibut and salmon. Russell leaves his station and comes over to help her, causing the kitchen to slide to a halt. This leaves Mr. Cojocaru in a bad mood, saying, “The Cojo gets very cranky when he doesn’t get food.”

You’re making the Cojo angry…you won’t like me when I’m angry!

Everything keeps sucking, especially Gail, who’s too flustered to communicate the status of the garnishes to everyone. When Trev serves up an undercooked beef and Gail gives him frozen polenta fries, Ramsey goes nuts and leaves the kitchen nightmare. Good luck without him, imbeciles!

Fuck this, I need a drink.

Nona and Russell step up in Ramsey’s place to try to recover, but Trev still serves overcooked beef. Russell wishes Trev would “pack up his plaid shirt and take his skinny brown tooth ass home.” As Trev tries desperately to not be an epic failure, Nona’s appetizers are good.

The prodigal Ramsey returns after cooling his head, probably with a large Absolut on the rocks. He tells everyone to look at the table of Marines and get their shit together.

Man, we got off easy. This is worse than Iraq. And with crappier food!

Ramsey switches the stations so now Russell’s on meat, Trev on apps, Gail’s on fish, and Jillian is on garnish. It mostly works, until Gail serves raw salmon. And sheeeee’s outta there!

Things seem to be going okay, until Jillian gives Ramsey a pan of…something. I honestly couldn’t tell what it was. It looks like raw sunny-side eggs on top of creamed spinach.

WTF is that? The salmonella special?

Ramsey calls her a stuck up little bitch, and sheeee’s outta there!

And then there were three. Dinner service unfortunately ends before the rest of them can get kicked out. The Ramsinator announces that this was the most frustrating time he’s ever had on HK, and he feels really let down. He says it took an hour and 50 minutes to get even appetizers to the Marines.

He berates Jillian for her “scullop” fuck-up, and tells Gail she should be a short-order cook in her living room because she can only cook for one table at a time. He took the words right out of my mouth.

Ooooh gurl, he called you a what?

It’s time to pick out who sucked the most (hard to do, I know). Trev and Nona shit on Gail, and then oh snap! Gail nominates herself. Nona and Russell hate on Trev for the messed-up steaks and for yelling and causing chaos in the kitchen.

Now for what really matters, the elimination. Aaand the nominees for prize of being the worst are: Gail for her lack of communication skills and Trev for his meat mistakes. Ramsey takes a moment to say how upset he is by Jillian sending him that raw egg disaster, but then calls up Gail and Trev.

Ramsey wants to know if Gail really cares about the competition, because he can’t tell if she does.

Certainly doesn’t look like it here.

She spins a whole sob story about how much she was crying when he booted her from the kitchen and how much she wants to help the team. She’s even willing to give Ramsey her right arm to stay there. Unless it can cook better than both of her arms put together, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want it.

On to Trev, Rams thinks Trev may be over his head, and wants to know what Trev has that he hasn’t seen yet. Trev’s answer: excellence. Damn straight we haven’t seen excellence from you yet, unless you’re talking about excellence in being a creepy little bitch. You win the gold in that category.

So who’s it going to be? Fail Gail or Dead Meat (and dead weight Trev)?

In her exit interview, Gail says she thought she was a strong cook when she came to HK, but now she realizes she has a few things to work on. Like how to cook lobster, pasta, salmon, fish in general, vegetables…well, at least she recognizes it.

Ramsey’s closing words: “Gail’s performance in HK was up and down, up and down, up and down. Roller coasters are great for amusement parks, not kitchens.” He forgot to add that just like roller coasters, her food makes you throw up.

What do you think, should Trev have been the one to go home? Is there any question that he won’t be eliminated next episode? Who do you think will be the final two (IMO it’ll be Nona and Russell, but we’ll see)?

Thanks for reading!

Love,

L-Money