Hell’s Kitchen: French Dips and Albino Angst

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did that work? Did we get your attention! Good and welcome to episodes 7&8. As we continue in the tradition of 2 hours of HK every week we can only assume they are really trying to burn through these to get onto the brand new G-Ram hit show, Master Chef.

Meanwhile back on this show “last week the red team was demoralized.” That pretty much sums up this entire season thus far. Now if you remember Benjadork is on the red team. He talks a big game about how he’s going to bring it no matter what team he’s on, for about one sentence. Back in the dorm he’s being bratty and whiney. Not cute on his otherwise extremely not cute face.

The next day G-Ram announces that Hell’s Kitchen will be hosting a 50th wedding anniversary. How exciting a party! For two old people who we will now meet. Sal and Marcy.

“It’s okay Sal, his eyes won’t turn you into stone!”

Everybody just adores this pair. Old Fran has been married for 20ish years and she is very impressed with Sal and Marcy’s 50. We are only sad that we didn’t come up with this idea first! We (Fran and Berry) want to have our anniversary at HK!! Then maybe indulge in an HJ? Only if Berry is very lucky. Sexi Holli confesses that “babies and old people are the cutest things.” Awwwww!!!

The challenge is for the teams to update the couple’s original wedding menu. Modernize the dishes, put an amazing flare on an old fashioned dish. Sounds like a dream for an aspiring chef right? We’ll see. Over on the blue side BlueJay is getting pretty stoked about stepping up into the leadership role now that Benjadork is now on the red team. Really? That nerdy dude was suppressing you that much? Okaaaay.

In the red kitchen Sioban is falling in love with the tranquil energy Benjadork has brought with him. Or maybe she’s just falling in love with him! What a pair. Their kids would be translucent they’d be so pale. In this challenge the red team seems more focused and the blue team seems more frantic. Could Benjadork really make that much of a difference? Okaaaay. BlueJay is dissing Naples’ shitty meatballs. Seriously though, the original dish was Chicken Kiev, and he’s making meatballs? Naples, I think you’ve already proved that italian food isn’t your thing!

Judging time. Nilka admits that she doesn’t know what Steak Diane is. The couple says her dish was okay but whatever. Ed’s dish gets good reviews so he wins! Old people are so cranky and boring. And SLOOOOOOOW.

Did it just get one thousand times more sexy in here? Or is it just Berry?

Autumn gets conned into presenting Naples’ chicken meatballs. G-Ram says he has a slightly pink ball. So Sexi Holli wins. BlueJay is jizzing in his pants going head to head against Benjadork. Whose trout almandine will be alpha? The couples are split in their opinion so they decide to call the party off and get divorced. JK, G-Ram will break the tie. G-Ram choses the red team. The girls are very happy with their hero Benjadork, because he’s so dreamy! Not.

BlueJay tries to save face by confessing, “in my head was a tie.” But in your head smurf hair looks good on an old white dude, so I wouldn’t trust your head. The red team’s reward is to do something 1950′s themed. Old Fran is excited because she loves the ’50′s. Her dad was a big 50′s guy. Whatever that means?

The blue team’s punishment is to decorate for the anniversary party with balloons, dance floors, cakes and party favors. Naples says something like “we lost I’m a stinka dida” You certainly are. Nilka struts her Macy Gray self across the dance floor that is being assembled. BlueJay says, “Nilka you dropped your-” and then flips her off. Foreshadowing! In the commercial they show BlueJay cutting his finger off! Clever HK! Very clever.

“My world does NOT crumble when you are not near.”

The reward is to go to Frisco’s carhop/’50′s diner. Where the waitresses give them a roller-skating show? What a great reward? It seems like they won on accident and the boy team was supposed to get this reward. But I guess it’s sort of a reward because this is permitted:

Watch out Taylor Lautner, a cougar is on the loose in Southern California!

Next item on the reward agenda? A hula hoop contest. How great! Except that they all suck at it. Siobhan wins because she used to be a stripper. She wins a BIG ASS trophy! They spent all the episode’s budget on that trophy so they couldn’t afford to go to a spa or a helicopter ride or something that would actually be exciting.

“I’d like to thank the garnish station for always believing in me…..”

Autumn is micromanaging the decorating and BlueJay is getting super annoyed so he goes to make the cake to get away from her. Ed and BlueJay are freaking out over cutting the cake straight. The guys+Autumn complain about having to tie the bows on the party favors. Boo-hoo! It’s sorta sad how pampered this team has been so far.

Getting ready for dinner service, BlueJay thinks that he and Benjadork have a joking rivalry. We don’t think Benjadork is aware of this “joking rivalry.” And what will help BlueJay more than anything in the kitchen? A deep horrific cut! Wow, we got to the main event 23 minutes in! Okay HK fans this is the moment we’ve been waiting for since last week! A horrible gruesome injury! Did he cut his whole finger off? They are not showing us. We’re seeing some blood, Jay is getting light headed, there is a medic. Is he going to faint? Cut to commercial! Gore suspense!! The bloodiest kind of suspense!

Do they give Emmy’s to the graphics department? Because they are begging for one.

Okay back from commercial. How bad is the cut!! Wait, he’s strolling back into the kitchen. He is okay. No trips to the hospital to get a finger sewn back on? The whole drama abruptly ends with Jay saying nonchalantly “yeah, I’m fine.” LAME! LAME LAME LAME!!! There has not been a substantial injury on this show yet! Where’s the pain people! How can you be a good chef without a cast or something?

“It was all for nothing. Like everything I do.”

Nilka and Ed will be serving the Steak Diane table side. G-Ram sort of sexually assaults JP it is awkward to say the least. JP seems very protective of his body like the sexy sexual line between TV Chef and TV Maitre D’ had recently been crossed and it’s kinda weird between them right now.

“JP big boy! I didn’t recognize you with that white donkey suit on. Yeah? Come to think of it I didn’t recognize you without the latex gloves and nightvision goggles……”

The doors are open, dinner is on and the red team gets to it. Siobhan has a wonky start. It also says that in her baby book. We now take you to the cake drama. Every time a waiter would pass the cake table the tears would wobble and lean a bit more. DRAMA! OMG will the cake fall!?! No, of course not. We’re on to you manufactured drama!

Benjadork’s crabcakes are all messed up. The ladies’ opinions of him have taken a turn. They say he sucks and he’s cocky and crab cakes are so easy to make what an a-hole that he can’t figure it out. Benjadork is getting steamed under the pressure. He says, “get the *$%^% outta my way.” Nilka is like, “excuse me!”

“I’m very passionate. Can’t you see the fire behind my eyes?”

Sal and Marcy LOVE the steak diane that Nilka makes. Jason and Naples are trying to communicate but they don’t know how, it’s sorta cute, like a poorly written children’s book. Sexi Holli is ready with her entree, or is she? Nope, they are over cooked and dry. Or were they undercooked? Either way she blew it. JP is giving Nilka a hard time about her non-existent French knowledge.

5 Star Wig Dining

G-Ram screams at Old Fran to show more respect for the broccolini! It’s broccolini dammit! Benjadork thinks Old Fran is in over her head because she disregards safety. Also she is VERY disrespectful of the broccolini. How dare she. G-Ram shouts, “Engage your brain!” That has to be part of the HK Successories calendar.

Naples is biting it on the garnish station. Both kitchens are pushing through to the last table. Cutting and slicing and pushing desserts. No food came back and Siobhan says “that’s a very very good service for the red team.” G-Ram gives a toast to Sal and Marcy and they cut the cake. The end, of the party. Now on to the contestant slicing and dicing! Old Fran, Naples, and Sexi Holli get called out for being suck-ass. The red team loses AGAIN! They have to put two people up.

“Did you bring enough INSANE for the whole class?”

The red team considers and then reconsiders who they are putting up. Benjadork gives his rehearsed speech about how Siobhan is lacking in technical skills and has no passion. Old Fran and Siobhan are sent up and plead their cases loudly and obnoxiously. “GET BACK IN LINE!” Ready for the switcheroo? The red team won but the worst service was from Naples. So he’s outtie!

Ciao ciao ragazzo!

Siobhan is pissed she is going to #$*#$& show her team! She’s going to show them something! We don’t even think she knows what it is yet, but she’s gonna show them! Benjadork could care less about the red team and says,”the garbage can can cook better then them.” Next week Siobhan and Benjamin are dressed like they went on a first date and had a bad fight….and then everyone gets drunk…….wait, not NEXT WEEK….RIGHT NOW!!

Get pumped! Episode 8 is about to be delivered straight to your face! No tip necessary!

Don’t you just love the opening sequence? It’s so great. So effortless. So natural…….

“Even I won’t eat that!”

And now the thrilling continuation of Hell’s Kitchen……….

Benjadork tells Siobhan that she needs to talk less because she doesn’t have the passion. He goes on to bitch in front of and behind her back for what seems like hours of footage cut together into a tight 2 minute bundle. Berry has a hunch that Ben will take that albino mask off and be Mrs. Ramsay.

Historical, quaint, janky.

The next morning the whole gang is gets sexied up to go to Philippe’s home of the french dip. They got all dolled up to eat french dips HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!! G-ram is in “call me Gordon” mode and playfully busts their balls a little bit. Old Fran is titillated to sit next to G-Ram. Maybe some of his French dip sauce will splash over on to her crusty old bread and awaken her roast beef, that’s been lying dormant for centuries. Maybe…….

They get back to the kitchen and their challenge is to each create a gourmet sandwich. Siobhan is really pissed off. She keeps asking for the CHallah bread. Which she pronounces CHallah. Ben tries to correct her but she doesn’t get it. Ben and her are so tense it’s like they’re about to kiss. Everyone’s sandwiches are complete and it’s judging time. The blue team only has 4 peep so the red team has to choose a sandwich to sit out. Ben is being a dick about Siobhan’s sandwich, but everyone seems to agree with him. Siobhan is pissed because she thinks her CHallah bread mango whatever sandwich is amazing.

“I owe HOW MUCH to the swear jar?!?”

The first two rounds were ties. G-Ram is super impressed thus far. Then Old Fran loses a point for red, then Autumn loses a point for blue. Now he’s going to break the tie with Siobhan’s sandwich. She describes it as an ahi tuna sandwich on CHallah bread with pineapple and and a lot of weird shit. He likes it enough. He likes it better than Old Fran’s. He says that the Red Team should have sent up Siobhan’s sandwich instead of Old Fran’s so the Blue Team wins the challenge. Siobhan is FIERCE!

The Red Team’s punishment is to make smooth ass gourmet peanut butter for their dinner service. Later Benjadork corners Siobhan in the hallway to tell her that her sandwich sucks. He just wants to get her riled up so that they “accidentally” kiss.

You had me at “your sandwich sucks.”

The Blue Team gets rewarded with a private jet ride up to Northern California where they get hammered at a winery. And I do mean HAMMERED! Especially Autumn. G-Ram is impressed.

“My wife isn’t in this episode and Autumn is super drunk you say?”

When the blue team gets back they are still super drunk. Sexi Holli and Ed get in the hot tub together. Sexi Holli keeps feeding Ed the booze so he will get super hung over. Siobhan joins in cuz she thought there was making out happening. BlueJay and Benjadork sit down to watch wearing goggles, they are so gross and creepy. Then they all dare Ed to take his trunks off and he does. Then he just stands there exposing himself, not really knowing what to do next.

Now dare him to stop the oil spill.

The next morning the red team is up and attem. And the blue team is SUPER hungover. BlueJay says, “I can definitely puke on command right now.” The blue team makes it to the kitchen but they are trying really hard not to barf on the prep work. They are all very slow and very confused.

There are at least 3 signs of bat shit crazy in this picture. Can you find them?

The red team is feeling good about the blue team being under the weather. Chef Ramsay is calling out orders super fast tonight. Old Fran is making risotto for the first time. And THANK GOD she prepared the first one acceptably. The blue team is messing up. The scallops are rubbery, the risotto might be burned. G-Ram is talking a mile a minute. Uh oh, Old Fran can’t keep up her good risotto, they are starting to get nastay. The Blue team is working out their poor communication. Except Autumn needs to shake off the hangover and get her potatoes moving. G-Ram sledgehammers Siobhan because she has burnt the scallops and then talks back saying they are “golden brown.” “YOU DONKEY!! GET OUT!!!” She’s outta there! Nilka’s advice to Siobhan via testimonial, “you gotta stop talking, he’s only gonna put his foot further up your ass.” Uh, gross. How far up your ass is it already? Does a foot up your ass explain raw chicken? We are not doctors we don’t know!! He makes Siobhan go out to the dining room and eat the burnt scallops. It’s like when Donald Duck catches his nephews smoking and forces them to smoke like a whole box of cigars at once. Emotionally scarring.

Seriously, have you guys heard about Master Chef!? Because it’s coming soon to FOX. Just thought you should be aware of it.

Out of nowhere there is a super dick customer wants to challenge G-Ram and G-Ram won’t have it. “You look like a $$$%$% quail.” The dude was trying to say that his meat was raw. But he ordered Steak tartare. Which is supposed to be rare. Any google search can tell you that! Oh and he stood like this for a while too which made him even MORE unlikable…….

“I’m promoting myself to featured extra.”

G-Ram screams at him, “You look like a *@!$%$% quail.” What a funny insult. I’m glad G-Ram ripped him a new one. How obnoxious to try and challenge Gordon Ramsay just to get on tv. What a %#@#$#%$#%er. I feel bad for the people he came with. How embarrassing for them, forever.

Yup, that’s them. How embarrassed they must be!

Raw chicken in the red kitchen. where’s the beef in the blue! He kicks the blue team out for not being good enough. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” The blue team commiserates and smokes. BlueJay is on G-Ram’s side. “Good enough isn’t good enough.”

Old Fran is messing up. Benjadork is being cocky. So he kicks out all the red team. Old Fran eloquently points out, “It was a cluster #$%^ is what it is.”

“JP you French dip, get the lysol, it still smells like that dick customer and his embarrassed friends!”

After dinner they face the Ram. Siobhan apologizes, then Nilka, then Fran. G-Ram accuses the blue team of drinking too much cooking wine. Both teams have to put two people up. BlueJay elects Autumn and Ed. Benjadork says he elects Siobhan, he said that he almost threw her out himself. Old Fran and Nilka have a really deep hatred happening, not in a Benjadork/Siobhan pick-on-the-person-you’re-crushing-on kinda way. Siobhan and Old Fran are the nominees. Nilka is so excited and she just can’t hide it.

Half assed drum role please…………..

He cuts Siobhan for not having balls. He was nice to her. He said that she means well but she isn’t up to par. 8 contestants remain. He says that they are the best half, so they better start acting like it. Word.

Next week:

The Apocalypse draws near.