Hell’s Kitchen: Killin’ Off a Six-Pack

After a week off from screeching and ruining food, we’re back! Thank God too, we missed it so much last week, I burnt my own hand and had Fran cuss at me in our pantry all Tuesday night. But onto to another TWO HOURS of Hells Kitchen! If you remember from two weeks ago, nobody was eliminated and everyone was given the blacks jackets, putting them together on one team. That’s right it’s….THE FINAL SIX! (six, six, six, six, echo). This is where it gets fun. Now that they’re down to the final six, nobody is here to make friends, FOR REAL!

Chef tells them to f*ck off to the dorms and they squeal when they see a bottle of champagne. They all do their confessionals about how they are the best of the best and kiss their own asses so hard I think they gave themselves botox.

.

To hating each other!

Jason reminds us that one of the six people in that room will be the head chef at the Savoy, which should scare the crap out of Gordon Ramsay, or anyone who is currently working at the Savoy. Maybe they should just burn the place down and get the insurance money now before one of them does it by accident.

They clink their awkwardly colored pink champagne and if you listen closely while we fade away someone tries to dub them “The Big Black,” because of their jackets. Ummm, not so much. Then someone calls them, “The Six-pack.” Probably because they’re so cheap and disposable.

The next morning, Auto-tune Announcer reminds us that they are more determined as ever and that Chef Ramsay will put them to the test! Today, this will focus on presentation. It’s gotta look as good as it tastes. Blue Jay says he is excited for this challenge because presentation is his strong point. Oh really? Have you checked a mirror lately? You look like a sunburned, sweaty smurf. I don’t think you should tell people looks are your thing, you’re more one of those, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” sort of guys. Like Steve Buscemi.

They get 30 minutes and the Six-Pack gets to work. Immediately Ben starts a fire on his stove, and not where it’s supposed to be.  In Ed’s confessional he goes for the world’s record of most cliché’s string together. He’s gonna create, get outside the box, turn it up a notch, keep cranking it day in and day out, and hopefully when that dial stops, it’ll be London time. I think we have a cliche winner! Jay is making a classic beat salad and says the only way he can lose if he makes himself lose. I imagine a Jay with red hair on his shoulder telling him to spit in his dish and smoosh it around saying, “Do it! Chef’ll love it. He’ll think it’s different and creative!”

They bring their dishes upstairs and have them photographed by famous food photographer Alex Vasilescu. Really, a famous food photographer? I wonder if there’s a real hierarchy in that job. “You know the Cheese-It cracker on the front of the box? That’s me! I photographed that Cheese-It. And he was a BITCH to work with. And yes, we hooked up.”

“Yes, yes! Drizzle that sauce! Nuzzle up to those potatoes! It’s like you’re still in the oven you’re so hot!”

After they all have their food photo’s taken, Chef shows them the pictures on the screens in the Hells Kitchen hallway. Finally, those TV’s are worth the money! Surprisingly, not only is there no backstabbing when they look at them, they are all complimenting each other. Chef asks their favorite and nobody is picking their own, except Blue Jay. Then Chef Ramsay has a surprise for them. Someone special is going to be judging the photographs. Maybe an art critic? One of Vasilescu’s contemporaries? Nope, a bunch of random culinary students. Students just learning about food judging food photography? Makes perfect sense. We also find out that only the top two photos will go on to the tasting portion. The rest are destined for dumpster obscurity.  If  was homeless I would totally hang out behind Hell’s Kitchen. Heck, I might do it anyway. The worst looking dish, by far, is Holly’s.  Even she admits it. The students can’t even tell what kind of meat it is. But Chef Ramsay tells them to polish his glasses, it’s obviously Ahi Tuna. DUH!! Go back to culinary school!! Oh, right, they will later today. So, the kids judge and last place goes to Holly as expected. But fifth goes to…Blue Jay! At first he thought it was a joke. No joke, Papa Smurf.

You ain’t got no alibi. You ugly! Ug-ug,ugly!

Jason gets fourth. Third is Autumn, which means Ed and Ben will be tasted. Ewwww! Sorry, that sounded gross. Next, Chef Ramsay brings in the super sexy Tanya Steele from something or other dot com to help him taste. Uh-oh! Where’s Mrs. Ramsay?! With a name like Tanya Steele, she can have any man she wants! Tanya Steele tastes the dishes and Ed describes how while tasting she rolls her eyes back and looks very excited. Oh Tanya Steele, you minx! Someone wants to get Ramsay’d! Anyways, Tanya Steele is “looking for the total package” so she has to go with Ben. Sorry lady, Ben is totally NOT the total package. Unless it’s a package you’re dropping off at Good Will. But Ben wins and so he gets to have his winning dish on epicurious.com, some foodie porn website. Probably nasty pictures of carrots shoved through donuts and stuff. Ben is excited and starts listing off the magazines he’s been in and says it’s another notch in the ladder. I think he means another rung on the belt. Ben also wins a complete makeover for himself and all we can say is, Thank God! If there is anything that can be done to make this guy less creepy, do it. And do it a LOT! The losers have to spruce up the dining and room, but Ramsay says the good news is that they get to do it under the watchful eye of JP, “the Belgian Muscle.” Not my words, Ramsay’s. Uh-oh, looks like Tanya Steele has some competition for Ramsay’s affection. Jay is pissed he didn’t win and Jason tells him his was one of the best food things he has ever seen in real life. Ever? What about when you get the first Shamrock Shake of the season?? You gotta admit, that is pretty good.

If Tim Burton were a chef.

While the the five-pack cleans Ben goes to get made-over. He says he’s excited to get his hair cut short and that his wife likes it long, but f*ck that. Wow, Ben is getting so cocky he’s even willing to piss off the one woman who will sleep with him. Good luck with that!

Back in HK, JP lobs them the joke, “next is to polish the wood” and Holly and Blue Jay become two middle school kids on the back of the school bus who just heard the word “fingerbang.” Then Blue Jay drops the bomb that he has two goals at Hells Kitchen. To win and to sleep with Holly. Ahhhhh!!!! Please, Gordan, don’t let that happen.

Ben gets his photo shoot done and for some reason after getting his haircut his face looks twice as large. That photographer is going to have to back wayyy up, and you might want to slap some vaseline on that lens.

Before

After? Still, no.

We move to dinner service and Ben’s dish is now on the menu, which means he gets to be a real douche explaining how to make it and use the word “components” a lot. Chef Ramsay is keeping an eye out for a leader to make sure they are trying too hard. Then to raise the stakes of their screw-ups he says they have a VIP at the chefs table. But he doesn’t say who it is. Ohhhh, I hope it’s Ernie Hudson, the unsung Ghostbuster! I love him! Berry thinks it borders on obsessive, but I let him have his poster of those Sunflowers, so why can’t I have a room dedicated to Ernie Hudson memorabilia?!

Jason reminds us that now that it’s down to six, so Ramsay is really gonna be on everyone’s ass and there’s no getting away from it. Ed is on the fish station and is psyched about it. Yeah I would be too, I remember one year for Christmas I got to be on the fish station! Best gift ever! Unfortunately, Ed’s fish station gets Gordon’s wrath first with raw fish and not talking. Again, Chef Ramsay makes a big deal about how someone needs to emerge as a leader. I am starting my stopwatch now to see how long it takes for Ben to turn into a complete asshole. He does, but in the opposite way I assumed. He shuts down completely. He gets flustered and Gordan tells him they cut his brain out with his hair. It’s true, Ben is like the Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz tonight! He even falls down like him, walking around, flopping his hay filled arms, dropping chicken. Hilarious!

Ed keeps getting nailed for raw fish. Raw Halibut, bad John Dory. How psyched are you now, Ed? Jason has some good advice though, “Calm the f*ck down. Get your big ass some ice water. And cook.” A successorie if I ever heard one. Ed’s screw-ups throw Blue Jay behind and the kitchen starts to break down and some random pregnant lady is not getting her food!!! Then suddenly she’s about to give birth! Sh*t moves fast in Hells Kitchen! This turns out to be one of the worst services for the golden children, Ed and Ben. Ben defends himself by saying cooking and talking and is like trying to paint and talk. Um, have you ever been to a caricature artist? They talk to you the whole time. asking you what sports you like and what religion you are. We have a wonderful watercolor in our bathroom of Fran playing bocce ball while wearing a t-shirt that says “Lutheran.” The VIP guests are about to show up any minute and the entire service is circling the drain. How will they ever get back on track? By kicking out Ed and Ben while some extra complains.

Magician or morning shock-jock DJ?

Back in the kitchen, things get less chaotic and the chefs find their rhythm just as the VIP’s arrive. Whoopi Goldberg?! He wasn’t in Ghostbusters! Or Ghostbusters 2! Yes, it’s star of The View and synonym for sex, Whoopi! And her creepster posse of randoms are with her. Holly asks what Whoopi is doing here in hell. A little movie called, Eddie, that’s what! Although maybe Sister Act II: Back in the Habit balances that out. By the way, I wonder if Whoopi Golderg is related to the wrestler Goldberg. I bet Whoopi’s his brother.

“Whoopi, party of two. Creepy white guys, party of two. Oh, you’re together?”

The evening winds down and Whoopi enjoys his meal. Autumn says it was rough but they completed service. After dinner Gordon calls them pathetic. He confirms Ben’s not a leader and tells them to put two people up for elimination based on their entire overall performance so far. Autumn immediately gets thrown under the bus and to be honest, we, too, are surprised she’s skated by this long. The second slot is between Jason, based on his temper, and Ed. They end up going with Ed because of difficult services where he freezes up.

Gordan asks Ed why he’s a better chef than Autumn and he says he has better communication, more knowledge and can multi-task. Chef Ramsay says, “That’s it?” Boom, you just got served Ed! Served raw Halibut, just like you like it!

Autumn says she should stay after being up for elimination five times because she just has a scarlet letter for some reason. Wait, what? Autumn is up for elimination because she’s a whore? Oh no, now Blue Jay has a third goal in Hells Kitchen! Autumn says she is more consistent than Ed and Ramsay does his patented fake out by saying, “My decision is…Autumn…you’re getting better, back in line.” He says Ed is disintegrating and takes away his jacket. We see a nice montage of Ed’s sweet-memories through blue filter as he exits. We’ve downed a beer, we’re down to a five-pack and Gordan tells them they better step up their game. Gordon tells us in cooking it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. Just like when you’re makin’ Whoopi!

Next episode!

The final five go up to the dorms and everyone laments the fact that Autumn has managed to not get eliminated one more week. Autumn promises to cuss those boys out when she wins the next challenge. Which of course she won’t do. Win or cuss. By the way, I don’t know if it’s just us, but Autumn’s voice is getting more and more annoying by the second. It’s smaller and squeakier than ever. She’s like a little cocky mouse waiting to stab people in the back. Just like Mickey. Watch your back, Goofy!

In the morning the remaining five get to Owens, a high end grocery store and Gordon is there waiting for them. This challenge is about how to rip people off in your restaurant. Gordon says they need to learn now to buy cheap and charge large.  They each get ten dollars to spend to make the most stunning dish they can. 10 dollars is a TON! Fran and I have eaten for a week on ten dollars. Ever put cilantro in Ramen Noodles? Now that’s a fancy meal! They go back to the kitchen and start coking. Jason says he has a strategy: Win. Bold, Jason, bold. Especially with his frozen ravioli’s. Frozen?? Have you ever talked to Chef Ramsay? I bet he hates frozen ice-cubes!

They finish their dishes and Gordo brings in some special judges. Chef Joaquim Splichal, magazine editor Dana Bowen and a manager of one of Gordy’s restaurants, Verne Lakusta. All these people will taste the dishes and give a price that they would be willing to pay for the dish.

Matt Groening is a chef, too??

Everyone loves what Blue Jay did with his pita and the first two judges say $28 and the last judge breaks the bank with $30. Man, this makes me HATE restaurants. And rich people! I am willing to pay as little as possible and here are three rich restauranteurs saying they would love to pay triple the price for this meal.

Jason is next and he drops the pre-made ravioli bomb and people go nuts! Agreed, what a terrible person Jason is. This ravioli scandal should cost him the job at the Savoy, and his life!

The judges shake their head in shame and tell him, 18, 18 and 15 dollars. Can I just say, if I pay 18 dollars for a meal at a restaurant is better be DAMN good and I better have enough to take home for a second meal. I thought they were going to ask how much the ravioli’s cost and say that amount. That would have been great.

Ben is next and starts all cocky, but quickly gets taken down a peg when his ratatouille vegetables were not cooked together or properly! Booya! 25, 25 and 25 dollars.

What the hell happened to Ben’s face that we are all ignoring?

Autumn puts up her veal meal and Dana goes crazy for it. The other judges follow suit with 26 and 27, and Dana would be thrilled to pay 29! Thrilled? Only rich people are thrilled to overpay for things. Autumn is very pleased and tells Ben to “suck on these.” I assume she means her Saffron crushed potatoes.

Holly approaches with her combination of parsnips and bacon and kumquats and bacon. They judges like the look…and the flavors! 27, 30 and…… COMMERCIAL break!

…….And we’re back! 32 dollars! She wins thanks to Dana’s total back-peddling of not liking the heartiness, then hearing how the other judges liked it and out-paying them all for it. Thanks, Dana! Holly beats Jay by one dollar.

I asked to pay $3,000 for Ben’s old haircut.

For the losers, today is laundry day in Hell’s Kitchen! For Holly, she is now Queen Holly and will be hangin’ poolside at a posh beverly Hills Hotel…with JP! Um, that doesn’t sound like a selling point. Unless JP is one of those 1930′s old school male one piece swimming suits and has grown a handlebar mustache since last episode.

After poolside, Holly gets a thousand dollars to shop at a kitchen supply store and once again, Jason is pissed. He loves shopping! Then there’s the kicker, Holly gets to take someone out with her so it’s not just her and creepy JP. Who will it be?? Blue Jay! Reality show flirting! Oh man, this is going to be so gross.

Autumn’s mousy voice goes on and on and one while the losers work on laundry and she tells them she was on Soul Train. Holy shit, I wanna see that booty poppin’ action! Someone find that tape! Meanwhile, a relaxed JP shows up to pick up Blue Jay and Holly, sadly in just white pants and a salmon colored polo. They get to the hotel and drink champagne and JP is starting to feel like a third wheel. He asks how much it would be to stay the night at the hotel. I think JP is pushing HARD for that threesome. Although I have a feeling he would just stand off to the side watching and telling them what to do and how to move to make it better. They get their second course of a beautiful looking meal as we cut to the losers pulling sandwiches out of a paper bag. Spam Sandwiches. With Mayo. Hey, people love it in Hawaii! So, Autumn talks and talks and talks and you can see Jason’s brain start to fry.

Jay and Holly go shopping and flirt, flirt, flirt! Ohhhh, this paddle? Yes, please! How about this orgasm machine? Let’s get multiples! Holly and Jay get back and go to the jacuzzi. And if you’ve ever seen a reality show, if anything is gonna go down, it all starts in the jacuzzi. Everyone agrees that there is something between them except for Autumn, who then walks in on them grindin’ in the ‘cuzzi and brings all sex possibilities to a screeching halt. Oops! Also, thanks! By the way, Grindin’ in the ‘Cuzzi will be the name of the first Fran and Berry hit single! Produced by G-Ram. Can you handle it??

Yeah, hurry up so fast it I never see it!

It’s the 12th dinner service and the contestants start prep and we find out Jason is prep-challenged.  He is slow and asks a million questions. Chef comes in and has devised a plan to force them to communicate. He is going to make the keep switching stations and when he yells “change” they change! Get it? Good. Also, Holly’s tuna kumquat is going to be served tonight. And her dish is going on the menu. BOOYA!! Sorry, that was WAY gross.

The extra’s/guests arrive and the chefs get started. They start off well, communicating and most of the food going out fast. And SWITCH!! And breakdown. Wellington’s are undercooked and Holly and Jason can’t communicate. Ben overcooks Holly’s raw tuna. Blue Jay’s fish is overcooked and Jason says Jay is starting to crumble. AND SWITCH!! Go-Ram can’t believe they can’t do this simple task! Autumn seems to be the only one communicating. Wellington’s needed to be re-fired and Jay told Holly the wrong time so her garnish wasn’t ready so he screwed her. And not in a gross jacuzzi way.

AND SWITCH!!! Where’s the wellington?? Don’t worry, Autumn’s on it! Then Holly gets a compliment! Suddenly, Ben hops on her fish station without asking. I mean, at least take her out to dinner first. Why is this turning into the dirtiest recap ever? I blame Holly and Blue Jay! And the tuna. AND SWITCH!! Jason is falling apart, burning himself, meanwhile Ben gets quiet and again says he has a hard time cooking and talking, which seems to be one of the most important parts of being a chef. At least in Hell’s Kitchen. Chef G-Ram steps out for a moment to make his hourly phone call to check in with his wife and souse chef Scott takes over. When the cat is away the mice will play! Unfortunately, mouse Ben is a douche. He starts calling out orders and Scott is not happy about it and let’s him know it! “DON’T EVER COME UP TO MY PASS AGAIN.” Hells yeah. Somebody is looking for their own angry cooking show, eh Scott? Look out for next season, “Who’Scott Talent?”

Ben describing how big a hole in his ass Scott ripped. No joke, that is really what he’s saying.

Go-Ram comes back and dinner service is winding down. Desserts are out and we switch off. Ramsay lines them up and chastises them for not being able to switch. Jason throws Ben and Jay under the bus and Go-Ram calls them five line cooks. Oh no he didn’t!!! Yes, in fact, he did. He sends them to the dorms to come up with two people for elimination.

Jay wants to retaliate for Jason saying he had trouble tonight and they bitch back and forth for a bit. Ben, starting to drown, goes after Autumn again for no reason. So the names being thrown around are Jay, Ben, Jason and Autumn. Go Holly! I am officially putting money down on this. Holly wins it all.

The chefs go back to the kitchen for elimination and Holly puts up Ben and Jason. They step forward and state their cases. Jason says there is so much more to him that Ramsay has seen, like total leadership and total control over the entire kitchen. Right, except as G-Ram says, then why does your team have any confidence in you? Jason says it’s personal. Yeah, they personally think he sucks.

Gordon asks Ben why he can’t cook, talk and listen at the same time and Ben says when it gets busy he over thinks cooking. Ben says he thinks he had a good service. Wrong thing to say! G-Ram disagrees. So, the person leaving Hells Kitchen is….Jason. No fake out. Jason sucks. Although Gordo is very nice to him. He tells Jason he hasn’t finished in this industry yet and thanks him. We agree with Ramsay, Jason could be an amazing manager of a fast food restaurant or a great frozen food delivery man. Jason said it was a great experience, once in a lifetime, it was wonderful…..but he would never do that sh*t again.

“What happened? Am I Chef Jay-Z, yet?”

After Jason leaves Gordon tells the chefs they are about to be tested in a completely different way. Oh no, they’re not gonna have to hang weights from their nipples are they??  I saw that on the Discovery channel once and i still have nightmares. Gordon tells them to sleep on that bizarre statement and Ben has a confessional about how much he’s going to kill service. It gets creepy, but then again, he could be talking anything and it would sound creepy.

We’re down to four and things are really heating up in Hells Kitchen.  Pun intended!!!  Next week the men make a pact to get rid of the women, but Blue Jay and Holly’s relationship gets real! Then Chef Ramsay has to do something he has never done on Hells Kitchen and apparently it makes everyone cry. I bet it’s cut onions. I know, it seems weird he has never made anyone cut onions on Hells Kitchen but what else could it possibly be? Unless….oh God, JP finally gets his threesome!!

The price? Your dignity.