Hell’s Kitchen: Miso Stupid

Last week on Hell’s Kitchen Melissa’s move to Team Blue was as successful at Conan’s moved to 12am and she was booted from Hell’s Kitchen.  Both teams sucked during dinner service and both threw up nominees for elimination, but BigMel truly set a new standard for stupid on this series as she cooked all the scallops without stumbling ass backwards into a single edible set.

“S” is for “Scallops” and “Sorry excuse for a career path”.

 

After another helping of the Gulliver Travels to Hell opening, the action picks up after Melissa’s dismissal. Sabrina calls the red team together. “I’ve dodged the bullet 5 times,” she says, and apologizes to the team and promises to check her attitude. Nona doesn’t believe that she’ll be reformed.

She must think they’re more useless than a tray of overcooked scallops.

Boris is weeping to his teammates that Ramsay hates him. Vinny looks at him and without an ounce of sarcasm breaks it to Boris, “there’s nothing any of us can do to help you with that.”

I guess a simple “buck up cowboy,” would have been unsportsmanlike.

Boris goes on to say that he thought he’d be the hero on Team Blue, he thought he would come on Hell’s Kitchen and rock it like a hurricane. In other words he saw himself in the leading man role –  when all the producers saw was a goofy, easy to abuse sidekick. They should have put a humpback on him and called him Igor, I bet that would have been quite a sight standing next to Count Blondula.

I need to make a comeback, thinks Boris.  As Russell says, “Boris is on his last strings … and I’m not going to carry him no more.”

The next day the contestants are ushered back to the dining room to complete in this episode’s challenge. As they enter the dining room Ramsay is stationed behind a very large table covered with a black sheet. Nona sees this and says to herself, “I wonder if that is a corpse.” Yes, Ramsay earned his reputation by catering  many, many funerals and this challenge will be serving the recently bereaved.

Maybe they won’t notice your food sucks.

No of course, NoNeck, it’s a roulette table. Ramsay says that great chefs “are imaginative and can think on their feet… and are willing to gamble.”

Hence, the large props.

Ramsay explains the challenge. Each member will come up and spin the wheel, whatever letter is selected in the spin of the roulette wheel must be the first letter of an ingredient for their dish. They have ten seconds to decide on an ingredient that begins with that letter. Then those 5 ingredient have to be combined into one entrée.

They are not taking bets on how many of these people believe gnocchi begins with an “n”.

Team Blue is down one man, so Vinny will spin twice. He’s up. First time out he hits “K” and picks kale.

He couldn’t decide if  “crab” was always spelled with with a “c” in formal dining…

The men, at least Boris, think that’s a great selection and they are poised to “build from there.”

Vinny hits “Y” on his second try and picks yams. Boris is up next and knows that the plate must contain yams and kale. His spin results in an “m” ingredient, so Boris turns to Ramsay and declares, miso.

Miso want another team member.

The whole blue team recoils like they were hit with a Japanese bomb as Boris continues to chant “miso” to Ramsay who looks on incredulously.

“We didn’t need that,” Vinny says, “Miso is hard to work with, it’s hard to get right…” and Jumpstreet doesn’t seem to have confidence that Boris’s selection will result in a winning dish. Ramsay recaps what Blue is working with so far…

Kale, yams and the bulldog likes miso.

…as Rob is up next and pressured to pick up a protein, He gets an “s” on his spin and selects striped bass, followed by an “a” for Russell who selects asparagus.

One of these things is not like the others…

It’s Red’s turn and Trev is up first, and picks up an “r”. Gail is rambling off more “r” ingredients than a Sesame Street cooking clip…

La La La La- Losers

…as Trev panics and selects rutabaga.  Even though they’ve worked with risotto and ravioli recently, he goes with rutabaga.

Rutabaga. 1st choice.

Maybe he thought he would be able to stump the crew and come up with an ingredient they couldn’t find. Luckily for us, the crew is way smarter than Trev.

Jillian ignores the direction that Trev started and picks cauliflower with her “c”. Sabrina further confuses the culinary course and picks bok choy when her spin results in a “b”. With only vegetables to work with so far, Gail steps up to the table and walks away with fennel. So NoNeck is the last to spin and she absolutely has to pick up a protein or they’ll be feeding the Englishman a vegetarian soup with a side of blech. At least Ramsay will get his daily dose of fiber before lunch.

Trev says that he’s a little scared and Jillian croaks out, in her little cartoon Dennis the Menace voice,”we’ll  be able to makes some crazy weird soup or something.” Luckily NoNeck has some sense and when her spin results in an “s” (and since no one on this show can successfully cook a scallop) she picks up the rights to salmon.

The teams have 30 minutes and red works well together and Trev takes responsibly for rutabaga… on the blue side Boris does the same with miso.

Title that, WTF?

Boris begins working with it and tells his team that he wouldn’t have chosen it if he didn’t know what to do with it. Chef Blondula doesn’t relent for a moment and tells Boris, “or you didn’t know what to do with an “m”’.

Miso gonna find you in a dark alley production is over.

I know my “m’s”, m&m’s, ‘mallows, macaronis and Miller light.

Boris shakes his head as the team laughs, he says that he has faith in himself even if the team doesn’t … minutes later, the team is forced to admit that the miso tastes good.

Miso lucky to pull it off.

Okay, that was the last miso pun, but they’re a hoot.

On the red side Trev is making the rutabaga into chips, which he admits he’s never made before. The red team tastes them and thinks they’re burnt and bitter, but Trev thinks they’ll be fine. He’s impressed himself and that’s all that counts.

I’m burnt and bitter, but Ramsay still loves me.

On Blue, Rob is taking the lead on the yams and asparagus and just blanches them despite his teams objections. They think it’s too simple and “canned Jolly Green Giant/served as a side with pot roast”-like. Rob doesn’t listen and moves ahead with his boiled vegetable idea. English people like bland food, go with it.

On the Red side Nona is trying to make a cauliflower puree, but can’t quite get the consistently she’s looking for — so Paula Dean style, Nona just resolves to add in as much butter as it takes to make it mm-mm-good.

They plate up their dishes and are ready to present to Ramsay.

Miso pretty.

Okay, that was the last one.

The red team presents their grilled salmon dish  and the fish is cook beautifully, the cauliflower puree is delicious but appears to have split. The rutabaga chips are bitter.

The men present their dish and even Sabrina has to give them credit for a nice presentation.

Ramsay thinks the fish is cooked nicely and even the miso works,  but there’s no time for Boris to celebrate…  Ramsay announces that the yams and asparagus are bland.  Ramsay is split, both teams have two strikes against them, so Ramsay gives the win to Red.

Vinny perks up like Scooby-Doo upon hearing the decision.

Ramsay announces the red team’s prize, but all anyone can hear is Ramsay whisper, Vegas. He’s putting them up in a 14K square feet suite at the Rio while the men will be left to wash, peel and prep over 1000 potatoes.

Before

 

After

As the women get into their extra wide hooker boots the men go outside to meet the potato delivery.

La La La La-Later

Vinny is whining about how long they’ll be stuck there and he happy to lay all the blame on Rob — all he had to do was grill the asparagus.

Cut to Vegas where the women are entering the suite –  which is unlike any location they will ever enter without pushing a trolley — and run room to room, jaws agape at all the luxury they’re privy to for one night only. Actually, it’s not quite one night only, STDs never are vanquished that easily folks. Penn and Teller arrive at the suite to gift each member of Team Red with a two night stay at the Rio.

Red is in awe of the celebrities in the room, and are happy to show them around and snag a photo with them for their MySpace pic.

Penn and Teller have more reality TV time logged than Jeff Probst. Geez.

Back in the blue kitchen Russell being an effective worker bee by tending to the potatoes and bitching about Boris,  as Bull tries to bond with his teammates.

Ba ba ba ba-blow me.

The men are done with their prep for the day and are discussing the upcoming dinner service in the kitchen of the dorms. They bemoan their fate, as they will be “carrying” Boris for another dinner service. Vinny and Russell take to the bedroom to discuss the weak link on their team as Jumpstreet, with his hand firmly planted in the front of his pants, tells Blondula “he (Ramsay) knows who are the true f&^%ing studs of this crew…”

Studs of Cell Block Blue

It’s a new day and Blue is back prepping. Blondula is back on Boris’s back. Bull vows to make a comeback as Blondula bitches at him about his efficiency.

-What are you doing?
Pea Puree
-Uh-uh work on something else, Blondula says as he circles the kitchen, not working on something else.

Red has returned from Vegas and they’re looking to continue their streak, until the first fight erupts when NaughtyChef doesn’t prep her station. Until this point Betty Brows had been her only friend, but even Brows is finished with Sabrina. “If we lose, she’s definitely going back up for elimination,” Brows says of NaughtyChef.

Ramsay appears in the kitchen to announce that tonight is family night, one of the families in attendance will be the Ramsays from the English countryside of Hell. Chef Ramsay does not expect to be embarrassed in front of his wife and children, he says. What he means is that he’s already say them down and explained “this is how Daddy makes money, please don’t be embarrassed and I’ll buy you Scotland.”

Ramsay asks Trev to be the voice the Red team needs. Pointdexter has his CPU churning with self-important phrases and is ready to lead Red to victory.

Ramsay tells both teams that the diners are currently outside at a Hell’s Kitchen carnival and they will be entering the dining room happy, he wants them to leave happy. Happy happy happy.

Look at all those clowns in the kitchen, Daddy.

The teams are sent to man their stations as a flood of impressionable youths flood the dining room that will soon be polluted with more profanities than oxygen.

Tonight will feature a kids menu and the trays of French fries the men workeds their fingers to the bones to prep. Somehow the teams are able to get those out without accidentally deep frying any of their limbs.

This maybe the only thing I would trust from the hands of those idiots.

Le Petit Jumpstreet in on the appetizers for the men and he brings up two large portions of risotto to the pass, which Ramsay rejects. He sends Jumpstreet back to his station with half a pan of unused food… and since they make all food to order, that means all the other food in the pan is wasted.

Not so fast.

While Ramsay is in the red kitchen screaming at Jillian about pea puree, Jumpstreet decides he’s going to save the risotto for future use, since there technically is nothing wrong with it, it’s just leftover. Since Ramsay made his name serving leftovers in fine dining restaurants, he will surely see the logic here.

Ramsay calls out a new ticket to the blue kitchen and it happens to be the order for his family. One risotto, no worries, Vinny already has it finished.

Now you’re in for a treat, Ramsays

Ramsay’s eye twitches as his bulldog nose picks up the scent of reheated risotto and calls Jumpstreet to the pass to shove the pan of repurposed risotto into his chest. As Vinny scrambles to explain, Ramsay stoops low drops an octave and tells Vinny to “shut your fat East Coast mouth.”

Not everyone thought it “wasn’t a big deal”.

After calling Vinny a dirty little f*&^er, he calls the men forward to tell them that if any of their families came to Hell’s Kitchen, he would make them a fresh risotto. The men scatter and refire.

In the red kitchen Trev is now Sabrina’s bitch, she has him on the meat station answering her questions and checking her work. She gets the meat out and celebrates her amazing culinary abilities.

Not everyone is impressed.

In the blue kitchen Ramsay is screaming for the beef as Bull sweats over his meat station. He’s also made a mess of the station. Ramsay calls a halt to his work and wipes down the cutting board before he allows Bull to slice the Wellingtons.

Blondula is ready on his cue to call Boris a “Russian pig…” as Boris takes a moment to regroup.

You’re a Transylvanian Prick, we all gotta come from somewhere.

Back in Red, Sabrina is actually pushing out meat as NoNeck is falling behind on garnish. Pointdexter is nearby screaming as Nona, “I need it now…” And ranting in confessional, pledging to “drag these bitches kicking and screaming” through a successful dinner service.

In Blue the men are scrambling to serve the Ramsays’ their dinner, and Rob is begging for help and he cannot compete Ramsay’s son mac’n cheese. Russell stand by and watches the fireworks as Blob scurries around his station while under verbal attack by Chef Ramsay.

Blue fails to make the CHEESIEST

On Team Red Sabrina and Trev continue to tag team the meat station when an epic battle over the cooking time of a grilled cheese brings the station to a halt. For some reason Pointdexter thinks he assistant Chef Ramsay (Assistant to Chef Ramsay). And is running the show tonight. He wants Sabrina to just do as she’s told. Ramsay continues to call for chicken as Trev signs off on the poultry and Sabrina tries to get raw chicken past Ramsay.

The dining room is filled with starving children…

…and the blue kitchen still hasn’t complete Jack Ramsay’s mac’n cheese.

Count Blondula screams at Vinny to slide to the garnish station and assist Blob who still hasn’t caught up.

Russell chef-shames Rob and says, “you’ve got two people working your station,” when Rob retorts, “Yeah, now I do.” Which sets off another stream of curse from Papa Ramsay who still hasn’t procured dinner for all his cubs.

He sends the food that is already prepared as Little Jack still hasn’t gotten his dinner. Rob finally runs up the macaroni for the littlest Ramsay man and both team complete service semi-effectively.

Luckily Jack has his mother’s temperament.

Ramsay has the two teams lined up and ready to receive their critique from the comment cards, which says 90% of the familites left happy. Ramsay still asks for two nominees from each team based on tonight service.

As Red deliberates the conversation turns quickly to Sabrina. NaughtyChef thinks it’s fair that Trev accompany her to elimination, but the women don’t agree and instead nominate Nona who struggle with garnish.

Sulking is preferred over screaming, so technically Sabrina has improved…

Boris pleads with Blue, and Russell doesn’t even blink as he says “so what you’re saying is I should just nominate myself and put myself in danger?” At least Rob agrees that Russell should do that as he didn’t slide down to assist him on garnish tonight when he saw that he needed support. Blondula slams his water bottle down and pitches a fit before returning to the conversation — as the team comes to the decision that Boris and Rob will be their nominees.

Ramsay meet the teams in the dining room and hears the nominees from both teams. He decides to pick one from each team and calls Nona and Rob forward. In a highly advanced psych-out he tells Rob to take off his jacket, “because it’s dirty, here’s a clean one!” Ramsay you scoundrel! “We had a good service, why should anyone go home?” Ramsay announces…

So everyone is safe for another episode and I’m praying for a double elimination next time out. Any one else want to see this cast halved immediately? Does Boris deserve all the shit they pile on him? Is Sabrina actually displaying a level of skill?