Hell’s Kitchen: Now With Less Hair Gel

Hey all, this is my first TVGasm recap! Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

In part one of this episode, more than one chef proved why they aren’t qualified to be on this show (who confuses black truffle, one of the most expensive ingredients on Earth, for watercress?), and Rob’s inability to do anything besides sweat all over the food sent him packing.

Now it continues with Russell fuming about how Trev “threw him under the bus” and working out his aggression with a little well-intentioned exercise. Trev thinks Russell needs a boot in the ass.

Did I say “well-intentioned?” I meant “I’m gonna beat the shit out of you” intentioned.

We hear about how the women are feeling “quite giddy” after winning another dinner service. Cue Gail cackling evilly.

She must’ve been channeling Christine O’Donnell.

The narrator says that Ramsey is concerned about something he’s not seeing on either team? An ounce of dignity?

Oh no, that can’t be it.

It turns out that what he isn’t seeing is communication, which leaves me wondering how you see communication. So the next challenge is all about communication and timing. I guess it’s too much to hope that they would do a Top Chef-inspired blindfold challenge to see if they can make a cohesive dish without speaking. But that’s probably above the heads of chefs who can’t tell chicken from filet mignon.

Mmm, tastes just like chicken! Wait…

Russell lets us know that he’s the only one that communicates, which is interesting because usually communication involves two people. As a team, they’ll have 30 minutes to cook 3 entrees, but only one of them will be in the kitchen at a time. Yes, I called it! Sort of! It’s basically a dumbed-down version. They each get to cook for 5 minutes, and then have 15 seconds to let the next chef know what’s going on and what needs to be done. The dishes are pasta with mushrooms, chicken with green beans, and salmon with lobster ragout.

Sabrina and Russell start, and while Russell is rolling out his pasta, the handle of the pasta machine breaks off.

I’ve heard of flying off the handle, but never the other way around

Vinny shows great confidence in his teammate’s pasta making abilities.

I’m Italian, so I know pasta, you know.

Sabrina is shocked to find her lobster alive. I’m shocked to find her still in this competition.

I like my food cold and dead. Before and after I cook it.

Next is Jillian and Trev. Trevor reminds me of Neville’s toad Trevor from Harry Potter. He’s slimy, useless, and repulses women. Everything seems to be going smoothly in both kitchens. Trev says it’s time to “hand the ball off” to Vinny.

Pick me coach, pick me! I love handling balls!

Vinny and Nona are in, and we find out that Trev didn’t start the lobster. The narrator say’s it’s perfectly okay, but somehow I’m not convinced…knew it! He didn’t tell Vinny about the uncooked lobster. Vinny starts plating with 20 minutes to go, while Nona “lubes” up the salmon.

I personally like KY on my cold fish, but she seems to have chosen Astroglide.

Russell versus Gail. Russell hussles and Gail fails (to get anything accomplished). The cooking continues uneventfully until the final few seconds, when Jillian drops the salmon when taking it out of the oven.

Why did you put so much damn lube on it??

The men get the point on the salmon, seeing as the women had none. But Vinny didn’t season the pasta, so the girls get the point on that one.

Grey sludge pasta, complete with mop-head spaghetti

Trevor didn’t blanch the green beans on the chicken dish, so they ended up raw. But neither did the women! In the end, the men finally skirt by and get a win. They get a shopping spree in a cooking store! The producers were definitely planning on the women winning again.

Hooray shopping party!

As punishment, the women have to receive the deliveries coming into the kitchen. As the little boys run out of HK, Trev screams, “I love buying stuff! I love buying stuff!” I think someone is a bit too happy about this reward. As the boys cream their checkered pants over Cuisinarts, Jillian complains about how royally Gail fucked up the challenge. I think someone is just trying to blame someone else for her mistake of grabbing the pan from the oven without an oven mitt. She wonders if the guys are thinking of her at their lunch. I can assure you they are most certainly not.

Sabrina apparently will never cook again in her life if Trevor wins. We can only hope. Chef Scott comes in and lets everyone know that the menu is up to them now- they can create whatever they want. Here’s looking forward to some monumental disasters. Vinny’s looks like someone just told him that for every bottle of hair gel he uses, a kitten dies.

But, but, I thought Mr. Fluffy ran away!

The blue team shoots down every idea that Russell has. Some of them actually sound good, like sweet and sour rock shrimp, so it’s sort of a shame. Sabrina wants to do another dish with lentils. What is with her obsession with lentils? Red chooses kung pao calamari, one of the most clichéd, non-fine dining dishes, as an appetizer. Or rather, kung POA calamari.

Later, while everyone else goes to sleep Trev and Vinny take a little dip in the hot tub and have some wine after their long day of shopping.

Ching-ching = sound of money. Clink-clink = clinking glasses. Chink-chink = Chinese racism. Which did he mean? I  certainly hope clink-clink.

They talk about how Russell is angry and temperamental and how it’s going to be his downfall. But unbeknownst to them, he’s eavesdropping on their conversation, and isn’t happy about what he hears.

Soon, my precious.

Prep time comes and goes, and HK opens for business.  The diners get to choose if they want food from the red or blue menus. Red team’s menu entrees: wild mushroom risotto, vanilla poached lobster (ew, I like my dessert and my seafood separate thank you very much), and NY strip steak. Blue team’s menu entrees: whipped ricotta ravioli, roasted sea bass, and lamb chops. First tables order solely from the red menu, as the blue team’s morale steadily drops.

Want to know the reason why I’m such a douche? Overcompensation.

Owner Josiah Citrin (who happens to look uncannily like Angelo from Top Chef) of Melisse, where the blue team ate lunch yesterday, orders from the blue menu because they ate at his restaurant yesterday. Yay, a pity customer! Bet he’ll regret inviting them to eat there after tasting their food.

Pretty uncanny, no?

Ramsey spits out Nona’s undercooked risotto, but she fixes it and service continues. However, once appetizer service is done, Vinny forgets the lamb order that of course was intended for Citrin’s table. Vinny’s out this episode, that’s my prediction.

Thanks for reminding us about the bullsye on his back, FOX.

Gail’s first lobster entrée is raw on the inside, then she overcooks the next one. She fucks it up six times in a row. FYI, The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

Why won’t it change???

Red team is falling in the weeds, but Citrin is unhappy with the blue team’s food. Sabrina gets called an “ignorant cow” for not responding to Ramsey, but her steak turns out perfectly and the show goes on.

They’ve decided to serve their steak with a topping of urinal cake.

Uh oh, Vinny’s bass is raw. But just as bad is Gail’s raw pasta, which is “standing up straight like a fucking dong left over from a night out in Vegas.” Nona has clearly not experienced this phenomenon, and Jillian says the pasta is still hard. Didn’t Ramsey just say that?

Ew gross, boy parts!

Gail’s kicked out for sending out another raw lobster, and service finishes uneventfully. Both teams sucked so hard that Ramsey decides neither of them win. Tomorrow they’re going to become one team, so they collectively have to pick one person they don’t want to continue with them. My money’s on Gail, although Vinny’s chances aren’t looking too hot, either.

Russell nominates Vinny (shocker) and Vinny says Sabrina doesn’t have any real passion to be in the competition. Jillian picks Trev, and all the girls stick together and don’t want to vote each other out. Girl powerrr!

Back in HK, Vinny and Trev vote for Sabrina (which makes no sense as clearly she has been pulling her weight), and Russell chooses Vinny. Every single member of the red team votes for Trevor. He oh-so wittily remarks that “he’s never been a ladies’ man.”

I can’t imagine why!

Ramsey tells Trev to take his jacket off…and put on another one! He’s still in. Sorry ladies, looks like you’re going to have to put up with his whiny ass for a bit longer. Jillian, Nona, Russell, and Sabrina are moving on, too.

So it comes down to Gail who couldn’t cook lobster or pasta and Vinny who couldn’t cook bass or meat.

After another fake-out by the Ramsinator, Gail is in! Sorry Vinny, try the Olive Garden. They’re always looking for amateur fake-Italian chefs.

Hmmm unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks, not such a bad deal…

Next week, we see the newly-united black team! Tune in to see what happens!

Love,

L-Money