Hell’s Kitchen: Racy in the Brain

On Monday’s episode of Hell’s Kitchen the cast is just a little less slimy as Feder-grease was kicked back to his place on the Kentucky welfare line.

Elise receives compliments from Ramsay as she was the most effective (if not boisterous) member of the Red team. The praise from Ramsay immediately causes the wrong synapses to fire in Ravin’s brain and she’s ready for a fight to the death with Carrie the minute they get back to the dorms.

Carrie dismisses the praise Ravin’ received from Ramsay was a crooked smile and assurance that Ravin’ is in fact “a broken ass record”…

*Eye Roll*

*Snarl*

*Blah Blah Blah*

These two embarassments to my gender continue to go at it in gibberish like the twin baby boys on YouTube. They’re talking nonsense, only the two of them are able to decipher… the rest of the contestants are just tired of the noise.

SugarTots, perhaps jealous of the attention Ravin’ has received from the British Bulldog. Elise calls Carrie a “Cry Baby Ass.” And Carrie replies saying that Elise has cried more than anyone else here.

Elise, of course, does not agree, or categorize herself as a crybaby along with Carrie, she’s just passionate. She just a creative genius who is sensitive to all things — just not her roommates. Then she runs around the living room screaming “I’m Carrie, I’m going to be a crybaby with my bottle of f^%&ing wine.” No joke.

When they return to the kitchen the next day. Ramsay has one question for them…

“Who’s married?” He asks.

MENSA level question: Who who marry you and for what self-destructive purposes?

Elise and Will raise their hands and regale Ramsay with tails of their romantic liaisons and the role their cooking skills have played in winning over their respective spouses.

That… and more beer than Oktoberfest.

For this week’s challenge they’ll be making delicious, ssssso sexy desserts. They have 1 hour and a slew of fresh ingredients to make a romantic dessert.

Will struggles, while Carrie thinks of a way to get naked and pour chocolate on herself. Tommy brags about his sticky buns — and Jamie and Jennifer compare notes on who has the weakest pastry abilities.

Red has one more team member than Blue, so they’ll have to select one dessert to drop from their menu. Ravin’ is the first to speak up, she wants HomeHighlights to trash her dessert. Jennifer concedes, but upon closer inspection of her teammates’ plates, she asks everyone to reconsider. Especially since Ravin’s dish looks like portion of Kozy Shack that has mated with the ooze from Ghostbusters 2 and is ready to attack. Once the remaining members of Red take notice of Ravin’s potentially hazardous dessert, hers is taken out of contention.

If only she had added the bottle of Corona, it would have been chosen.

Elise is not happy with her team’s decision and she stand in line with her arms folded, bitching at her team that they better win without her dish or she will use it to drown them all later.

Two pastry chefs are introduced, some Emo kid who took his love for anime to the world of sugar and fondant and blonde lady — both chefs are at the top of their game, have reasonable appearance fees and girlfriends that weigh more than a Fiat.

Even if I don’t know who these chefs are, I’m sure they’re smart enough to detect Capt’n Crunch or Cocoa Puffs used as dessert components, so I’m satisfied they will be able to judge this competition. Each judge will award up to three stars for each dish, Tommy is up first, presenting his macadamia nut sticky bun… Which was created like this:

And now looks like this:

And made Ramsay react like this:

Ramsay will need something stronger than champagne for him to be willing to taste the rest of the dishes. He would have needs a shot of morphine to the heart to keep him going if Carrie used her naked body as a platter, as she had originally planned.

Tommy presents his dish and tells the judging panel that he was cooking for his “girl” — who still a girl. She probably still has a curfew, and a recently expired restraining order that was filed by her guardians — she’s 19.

Just when you thought this dude wasn’t as creepy as his forehead tattoo…

Tommy didn’t pay attention to the instructions on the Pillsbury container, his sticky bun is undercooked. Since the judges don’t have the option of awarding ZERO stars, they each give Tommy one star.

Next up is Jamie who has made some sort of croissant bread pudding which is over-cooked and dry. I don’t know how dry you can make a bread pudding more dry, it already tastes like sponge salad… but Jamie screwed it enough to only earn one star from each of the judges.

Paulie Meatballs’ polenta cake gets three stars from each judge, Elizabeth’s ricotta is gritty and gets 2/1,  Natalie espresso break pudding gets 1/2…

Carrie is up with her blondie and tells the judge that “maybe it will be sexy in your mouth.”

You like?

It’s not, it’s too sweet and she only earns one star from each judge. When she returns to her team Ravin’ is ready to kick her while she’s down and tell everyone that this wouldn’t have happened if they would have presented her secret of the ooze.

Carrie manages to not take a swing at Elise — when it Will’s chance to bomb in front of the judges. They don’t announce exactly what the dish is supposed to be, but I have to assume that Will took his inspiration from the sea foam at the Jersey Shore, as it looks like King Triton’s spit on a plate.

That’s not ok, right now.

Will’s done, the judges call his dish rancid and only award him one star each — Red team is now trailing by 6 stars. Jennifer is left to present her dish, but that is the dish that had been previously deemed un-servable.

HomeHighlights presents her banana flambe and the judges love it, Emo Judge calls it the best dish they’ve had yet and she receives three stars from each judge — sealing the win for team Red.

Sexy Rockstar.

Before Ramsay can announce what the women have won, he wants to try the dish that Elise prepared.

She comes to the pass with her glass of motor oil and tapioca and admits to the judges that she may have prepared her dish with a bit too much VINEGAR. Yeah, yuck. Ramsay would have preferred to drink the motor oil.

Sell it, sweetie…

It was supposed to be fresh berry zabaione, but turned out to be more of a brine, since she didn’t cook out the vinegar. Ramsay restains himself and doensn’t spit the terrible concoction in her face — he even allows her to take part in her team’s prize, an overnight excusrion to Las Vegas.

VEGAS!

The Red team pees a little… and the Blue team is so jealous they can’t see past the blackheads on their noses. They will have to prep the dining room, the raw bar and the kitchens as punishment.

The Woof-pack sets off for the airport as the Blue team is left behind to transform the dining room into a romantic restaurant, because Hell’s Kitchen will be hosting a date night at tomorrow’s dinner service.

The women are off like their prom dresses and arrive in Sin City. They’re staying at Caesars Resort and they journey through their villa… and are only half way into their inspection of their heated toilet seat when they recieve a knock at the door.

Penn and Teller? No, someone cheaper… way cheaper!

Holly Madison, star of Hugh Hefner’s nightmares is on hand to announce that they’ll also be receiving tickets to her show, her book and return trip to Vegas.

Which will be even better, because on that trip they won’t be forced to endure “Peepshow.”

The ladies are so excited to be out for the night, they even get together for  drink on The Strip. Ravin’ notes that SugarTots is sharing the champange and not sitting by herself with a straw in the bottle.

SugarTots goes for the succinct retort and calls Ravin’ a slut.

These women have learned nothing about the spirit of sisterhood from their attache from the Playboy mansion, and we’re left to believe they spend the rest of the night fighting over buffet options and trying to push each other into on-coming traffic.

The men try to use their punishment time as time to regroup. Will gives a pep talk…

GO big, or GO f&^%ing home…

..with a spiritual message.

The women reappear in LA to take part in tonight’s dinner service. Ramsay also makes his entrance, refreshed from working on the set of show where he doesn’t have the stress of trying to find synonyms for “vomit” every day…

In the Red kitchen, Elise and Jennifer are both working the appetizer station, so Ramsay asks who will be taking the lead. Elise automatically says she’s be in charge, but after an incredulous silence from Ramsay, Jennifer speaks up to say that she’s be in charge of the appetizers.

As ugly couples take their places at the tables, Ramsay gives each kitchen their first tickets. SugarTots is trying to get a time check from Ravin’ who has now refused to talk to her. Elise feel that Carrie effects the team in a negative way, so she’s made it a point to make it worse by forcing every single interaction into a Maury-level brawl.

Anyone? Anyone?

In the Blue kitchen, Ramsay has caught TommyTats pre-seasoning the scallops. TT reasons that he’s jut trying to get ahead on orders, he has sorted the scallops, pre-seasoned them and already prepared a reason for Ramsay to rip him a new asshole.

I thought… in Act 2 you could call me “as brightly colored as a baboon’s ass and twice as stupid..”

Tommy’s teammates make a point of reviewing the timing with Tommy and telling him that was incorrect, because the seasoning will dry out the fish. Tommy waits exactly 2 minutes and then returns to  portioning out the scallops and pre-seasoning them… yep.

Ramsay manages to pull himself away from the tales of insanity that are being written in the Blue kitchen to find that Red is pushing out appetizers. Unfortunately, they have a side of hair with them.

Jamie is obviously the guilty party for the dark hair in the garnish, but she doesn’t accept responsibility.

Of course there is no real recourse, Jamie just has to eat shit on this one. Unfortunately her plate is refilled only a few minutes later, when she tries to pass off some burnt… caterpillars? As garnish and Ramsay comes after her like the bank after his foreclosed homes.

I don’t know what’s more disgusting, the food with or without your hair.

Back in the Blue kitchen, Tommy is preparing entrees before appetizers are complete. He claims he’s just a little “racy in the brain”… so Ramsay kicks him out to take a deep breath.

He’s just too cerebral…

Tommy prances through the dining room, flirting and slaying people’s appetites while the rest of his team picks up the slack.

In the Red kitchen SugarTots has burnt her sea bass and gets kicked out. She refuses to leave and tries to convince Ramsay to let her stay.

Please Chef, I’ll keep my clothes on!

Ramsay would rather invite sewer rats into the kitchen, Carrie is banished.

Tommy returns to Blue, but it’s Paul turn to waste Ramsay’s time and resources… he has served up raw chicken. Ramsay calls Meatballs to the front and he responds, “is it raw chef?”

If you even have to ask… it is.

Ramsay wants Paulie to admit it. When Paul confirms the chicken is raw, he’s tossed from the kitchen.

Tommy is sent after him with the plate of raw chicken. Upon Tommy’s return he finds Ramsay is efficiently running the fish station, so instead of “interrupting” Ramsay to take control of the station, Tommy stands beside him with his jaw agape waiting to be acknowledged. Naturally, Ramsay is not pleased to see the lack of initiative. But at least now he’s oogling something besides the girls in the dining room.

Elise has prepared a vegetarian cappelli that isn’t vegetarian. Ramsay makes her repeat it until she understands the dish is vegetarian… but she’s allowed another attempt. When she offers up overcooked oysters, she’s kicked out.

That puts Carrie, Elise and Paul in the dorms and only three team members left in each kitchen, but they finish service.

Four roll over and one falls out, there are three in the bed and the little one says… get the f^%$ out.

Some hillbillies get engaged in the dining room… and then the Blue team is awarded the win. The Red team in headed upstairs to pick out their non-Carrie nominee.

When they are assembled in front of Ramsay they announce they have Carrie and Elise on the block, they’ll finally be able to split them up once and for all. Perfect plan!

Carrie is ready to fight, she still wants to prove she’s not some “sandwich, pantry bitch…” Ramsay agrees and he has the both of them get back in line. He’s decided to eliminate someone who’s performance has gone further and further downhill.

Tommy! It has to be a switch-a-roo and he’s ousting Tommy, right? That dude’s a walking appetite suppressant, but  he’s safe — Jamie is eliminated.

What did you think ‘Gasmi? I thought Jamie would make it a little bit further, but she’s a generic mid-level player that could go out anywhere, but… c’mon! Tommy! I need to snack on Tums while I watch these episodes, that kid turns my stomach!