Hell’s Kitchen Recap: Finale! (Pronounced ‘Finally’)

In the first part of the Hell’s Kitchen season 9 finale, Tommy and Elise finally met their fate. Ramsay announced that it would be Shakespeare versus Paulie in the finale for all the meatballs…

vs.

The boys hug and are happy to see each other in the finale. They’re sent back to the dorms to start preparing the menu they’ll serve the night of their final challenge, but first, it’s time for champagne and BO combo that could knock out Charlie Sheen.

They both work late into the night on their menus, and Paulie tells us the true reason he’s determined to take the first place finish. Is if for Jennifer’s love? Or the right to have his meatballs sold in NYC? No, it’s for his mom who passed away a few months before Paulie left to compete.

He’s near hysterics as he tells the story and tries to channel his mother for advice on the menu. It’s a rough night, but both men are in the kitchen early the next day perfecting the menu concepts they put on paper last night.

How many “l’s” are in filet? Fil-a?

Ramsay comes into the kitchen to interrupt and tell the men that they need a break. He wants them to go upstairs, try their best to find a shirt without pit stains because he’s taking his best bitches out on the town tonight.

Will finds a shirt that has a chance at being clean, although he clings to the sweat stained baseball cap like grim death (I’m sure that’s an appropriate description for the smell of the hat too…). They emerge into the LA sunshine to find two limousines waiting for them. James is on hand to signal the driver that these are in fact the clients and not car thieves. When the door to the first limousine opens and Will’s wife pops up… and the expletives pop out of his mouth.

No, that’s your wife.

Paulie’s brother is waiting for him in the second car and they’re off to dinner.

They open the door to the restaurant and Ramsay is there in his Tosh.O tee waiting to great them. He has them settle into the booth, but an idea occurs to him as he’s telling them all about the restaurant and the chef. “Should we say hello?” he asks his guests, as he leads them back to the kitchen to meat the executive chef. I expected a mongrels from a past season to be behind the doors…  but instead it’s a friggin’ Medieval Times Arena (I’m surprised they didn’t recognize it.)

The two finalists won’t get a scrap of meat before they complete their final challenge. They have 1 hour to cook 5 plates for the chefs of the BLT family… and get it right, or pay the price.

Even though Paulie is distracted by the cute girls in the crowd, the two men both rush back to the kitchen to prepare 5 dishes - one seafood appetizer, one salad, one fish entree, one bone-in rib-eye and one filet. Will and Paulie get to work and get to sweating through their chef jackets as they scrabble to come up with memorable dishes to present.

Same shit different toilet.

They’re back on the stage with flames burning high on the screens behind them and they’re ready to present their first dish to the Executive Chef of BLT Washington…

Chef Pelican gives the point to Will’s scallops. The second round is judges by the Executive Chef of BLT Los Angeles and he gives prefers Paul’s dish, as does the third round chef, Chef d’Cuisine of BLT Honululu.

The fourth round will be judged by Executive Chef of BLT NYC Cliff Crooks (*ehem, ehem* Chef Cliff of Top Chef season 2, who was kicked off the show for holding Marcel down while Sam pussied out of shaving Marcel’s head. I kinda hate Sam. Sam was a little bitch. I’m going to get hate mail for that… ) Cliff gives the Will the point he needs to even the score with Paul.

..but the score is still not even with Marcel. DAMN YOU MARCEL! Argh. Grr…. Fabio has another uncredited cameo, he’s waiting behind the stage to escort Cliff to the super-secret meetings of chefs with talent who eat grilled steak and throw portions of grissle and fat at a screen previewing Marcelss Gastonintesial Track, or whatever the hell that show was…

This shit better not be sous-vide…

ANYWAY, back to the people who have actual creative control of the BLT Steak franchise… the final round will be judged by the President of BLT steak. He likes Paulie’s take on steak and frites, but it’s Will’s ballsy grape-jus that wins it for Shakespeare. Paulie is disappointed, but not defeated… as he tells us, “I didn’t go out like a punk…”

I’ll shave your head in your sleep for that shit.

They men arrive back at the dining room where a life-sized package (containing 8 life-sized disappointments) is waiting for them. James hands them the ribbon to the package and as the box walls fall, Tommy’s bare ass is center-stage. It’s 7 assholes and Tommy mooning… Lovely.

And that boy couldn’t find a girlfriend who is past the anal stage of development?

It’s time to pick their teams for the final dinner service. Will won the challenge so he is allowed to pick first. Will has watched a season or eight of this show and he has the process down. He’s already thought out who he would want on his team.

Maybe that gross baseball hat is the reality show equivalent of the Sorting Hat of Hogwarts? Will has a plan.

You could be great, you know…

He chooses… Tommy. Nope. Maybe that hat’s a little tight. Then Paulie wants Elise… wowza.

Will wants Natalie, Paulie chooses Elizabeth. Jennifer stand on the sidelines with her scrunchies on her wrists wondering what the hell has gotten into those assholes. She never though Pretty Paulie would overlook her. She admits she left angry, but really? They’d rather work with Elise? Ouch.

Nawt. Smahht. Just. Sayin’.

Will takes Jen and Paul takes Federgrease. That leaves Will to choose between Krupa and Carrie. Will grins like the Grinch waiting for the Whos to wake up on Christmas morning. “Watch this,” he says to Natalie, and then calls out “Krupa”. That leaves Carrie to head to Paul’s team. Paul’s team that is already stocked with a full serving of Elise’s bullshit…

If there was ever a time for Paulie to start tearing up. It would be now.

Ramsay sends the whole cast upstairs to start studying the menus. When Meatballs has his girls assembled in front of him, he lays now the law, “if you two fight, I’m going to shove your feet so far up your ass, I’ll wiggle my toes and your ears are going to move.”

Elise is in “team player” mode and promises to not scream at Carrie. Although that leave 3 other people to scream as, not including the sous chef. And he can always beat SugarTots ass after service.

Will has his team together and he’s going to explain everything, very clearly and with visual aids. He starts to draw up the quail preparation, but only manages to draw a vagina… and the thigh and leg, which look a lot like a penis. So he has accomplished nothing, but giving Tommy ideas for a new tattoo.

Maybe all the menus in the dining room should be illustrated.

In another section of the dorms Paul is trying to sort our who will be on each station. He knows that Elise is the strength, so she needs to be on apps first and then go assist with the meat station after appetizer service is complete. The rest of the team can try to not poison the blue diners in the meantime.

In the kitchen the next morning, Will is starting to have his doubts about choosing Krupa. She’s has the reputation of being a screw-up and he hasn’t worked with her before. She’s a risk and he knows he’ll have to keep an eye on her.

Ramsay shows up in the kitchen to sample the menus that the finalists will be serving during dinner service. Will’s menu is spot on and Ramsay has nothing but praise for the dishes he’s assembled…

…when he gets into the Blue kitchen he’s a little more critical. Paulie shrimp appetizer goes over well, but the praise ends there. The tomato carpaccio lacks tomato and the crab stuffed tomato is pretty bad.

Salads from the gas station are more appetizing.

Ramser tells PM that he has “some serious work to do there” and Paul is visibly shaken. Paul blames the Blue team for their preparation and storms out of the kitchen. Elise is concern.

I repeat. Elise is concerned and callsafter him. Once Paul has cried it out, washed his face and resisted the urge to start cutting… he returns to the kitchen to give his team a pep talk. They need to focus, because this service is for Momma Meatballs. She’s the reason he wants to win. Paul promised his mother he would win.

I can give you a little sugar and make it better.

SugarTots is close to tears as the whole team absorbs Meatballs’ message and get back to their posts. The dining room is open and Paul and Will get their first orders in.

In Will’s Red kitchen, Natalie starts the appetizers. Krupa wants to help – but Natalie pushes her aside to keep the pace. Speaking of no real help, Elise is screaming at the Blue team, she “wants to see the dude win”, but she screws up the first plate of shrimp. Then she sets the second plate of shrimp on fire.

Since Ramsay is also HK’s fire marshall, he takes care of disposing of Elise’s second attempt at shrimp, as Natalie is pushing out apps in Red. However, appetizers lead to entrees and Krupa is on the fish station. Will is riding her ass hard and has her start the fish reaAAALLLY early. Ramsay is unhappy with Will’s choice and stops him from pushing out the fish before the appetizer plates have been cleared.

Back in Blue, Elizabeth has her “going down in flames” look one her face as she struggles to assemble a passable plate of scallops.

Stay strong sister.

Elizabeth looks like Will feels as he tries to get Krupa to deliver a properly looked portion of fish. When she does deliver some fish to the pass, Will isn’t pleased with the results.

That’s not just a tickle…

Federgrease is also useless as an apology from Charlie Sheen… and delivers Paul some undercooked steaks. Elise is more vocal about the quality of Federgrease’s work than Paul is, and she rushes to the meat station to castrate him — y’know, *professionally*.

Paul is starting to look a little green. He appears as if he’s either pass out and then puke, or puke and then pass out. To make matters worse, Federgrease brings another raw steak to the pass and Paulie has to pull him from the meat station.

Naturally Jonathon takes the criticism in stride, he tells the camera “get the bitches out of the kitchen, and let me get back on my game.” He’s an awful optimistic fellow.

(Verb) this (Noun) man.

In Red, Krupa has delivered fish that looks like an alien life form and Will is really starting to regret choosing Krupa to spite Paul. Although it seems like choosing Carrie, and leaving Krupa for the Blue team would have been spiteful too. Lose-lose, there guys.

Did you marinate all the fish in ooze?

Krupa pushes out a couple portions of fish and Will sends them out, but they’re raw.

Blue has rebounded since Paul switched Elise to the meat station, now he needs her on garnish to help Carrie finish service. Of course SugarTots would rather Ravin’ didn’t intervene and all hell breaks loose as Carrie tries to work *around* Elise… like I used to try to work *around* showing up for high school gym class. The plan was doomed to fail and I ended up take a couple hits to the face.

The duo finally finished pushing out garnish for the last plates Blue is able to finish service.

Red is able to finish the last tickets only after Will removes Krupa from the fish station. He moves Natalie over, but she soon discovers that nothing is prepped. She needs to slow the kitchen WAY down in order to get the rest of the fish out. Will says that there was “one too many bumps for his liking.”

Ramsay assembles both teams and thanks all the chefs for their work. He’s going to review the comment cards before he picks a winner.

Ramsay stares at the portraits of the two finalists and tries to decide who is less likely to sue him in the years to come. As Will and Paul pace in the dorms, Gordo makes his decision and calls for them to come to his office.

He positions the men at the door and counts to three… the winner’s door is unlocked and they’ll emerge on the other side. I see no reason why Will won’t take this prize, but when a the pudgy winner steps through the threshold… it’s Paulie Meatballs FTW.

Holy Meatballs!

Ramsay shakes Will’s hand and says he didn’t have his best service tonight… I don’t understand. He’s been the most consistent, he put together the superior menu and he wasn’t the one who screwed the fish. Anyone able to explain this to me? Does Hell’s Kitchen EVER make sense? Are you glad Hell’s Kitchen is finally (finale) over?