Hell’s Kitchen Recap: New Blood

Gordon is back, ready to give a new crop of wannabe mini-gordys the back of his limey hand! The show starts off with a recap of the staggering amount of hopefuls who have tainted then been ejected from the kitchen. Mostly fat, white men. Its all very dramatic. Some of them have cussed Gordon, and an “elite” 9 have won. This time it’s different, though–this time Gordon is looking to staff his own place: Gordon Ramsay Steak, at The Paris in Vegas. And from the look of things, this season is packed with violent white trash! Yes!

This bodes well!

We get a montage of screeching and cussing and physical altercations, some right out in the kitchen, and there looks to be some shaved sheep tackling, which I’m not going to judge too harshly without context. There promises to be plenty of Gordon violence, too, which is why we watch this mess, so let’s get going!

So the new group is introduced and meets with Sous Chef Scott, the bald one who always has to pick up the slack when whatever bumbling twat screws up badly enough to get ejected from dinner service. That’s a thankless job if ever there was one, but it does come with TV exposure and the chance to be lusted after by blonde personal chefs like Briana, who I’m sure isn’t as stereotypically vacuous as she appears. Scott lets us know that his baldness is a result of his passion for the Ramsay: he initially shaved his head to prove how badly he wanted to work with Gordon. I can only assume that Gordon has since made baldness a prerequisite for Scott’s continued employment, since he’s worked there for years and is still going full Brazilian on his noggin. Way to lord that power over an underling, Gordon! This is why we love you. And hate you. 

Oh my holy shit, he’s convinced poor Andi to shave her head, too! Would he not have accepted a good-faith beej instead? And now he’s asking the contestants to step up to the barber chair. Of course all the guys don’t care because their hair is about an inch long anyway, but most of the girls have that “the hell, you say?” look spread all over their faces.

Scott selects a longer-locked dude to go first, probably because he has beautiful, lustrous hair that makes him adorable in that indie band frontman sort of way. He buzzes it down, and the hair falls away, taking the cute with it. Bummer.

Scott buzzes a woman next, but before he can forcibly remove the blond mane of Saucier Dana, Gordon shows up and breaks up that little party. Man, the two who got buzzed must be pissed. Gordon sends them to cook their signature dishes, wondering what the fuck happened to Andi. I’m still trying to tell everyone apart, so I can’t really be bothered with Andi right now.

Way to fight that generic blonde stereotype, whoever you are!

The teams are divided based on their genitalia, as per usual, and everyone cooks. Gordon then informs everyone that the head shaving thing was a total stunt: the two people who went under the clippers were friends of Scott, planted for effect, and won’t be competing. Well, I hope Scott is a really good friend, because the one dude just left his sex appeal in a pile on the floor. Also, Andi is not really bald. Shocking. It does give Brian a boner, though, so it wasn’t a complete waste of time. Everyone is stoked to hear that the winner will be working for Gordon directly.

So it’s boners all around, I guess. Duly noted, Don.

Robyn is up first with her striped bass, served on a bed of greens and garnished with baby diarrhea. He likes it, and she pronounces the resulting praise as “the best orgasm ever”. Okay, then. Texas Don is next, and it’s never a good sign when production starts with the hillbilly soundtrack before he’s said two words. He serves up a giant-ass portion of some kind of southwestern thing, and Gordon thinks it sucks. It’s too spicy, and Robyn wins one for the ladies. After she spits out Don’s food into the trash, of course. It’s always classy in Hell’s Kitchen.