Hell’s Kitchen Recap: New Blood

That place fills up with gluttons for punishment, and the cooking starts. Right away, Roshni serves up the wrong number of scallops, and has to start again. She screws them up, though, proving that she knows nothing about dick springiness. Get Barbie on the scallop station, stat! That girl knows her penis texture!

Things are moving right along in the Blue kitchen, but Royce is being a diva. He’s yelling at the others to bring him anchovies, because how is he supposed to cook if people won’t bring him his ingredients? He blames Guy for failing to properly prep the station, and Guy tells the camera that Royce needs to get off his bitch ass and get what he needs.

Roshni continues to fuck up the scallops, and Gordon stops the kitchen to make everyone touch them. Then he kicks Roshni out and sends Barbie over to cook up some dick tips right. She rises to the occasion, and it’s Tavon’s turn to undercook his squab, then ruin pounds and pounds of scallops by slicing them wrong.

How could you mess this up? It’s just like filleting a penis!

Tavon gets kicked out and calls Gordon a douchebag. The diners are starving by this point, though they sort of deserve it. No one goes to HK expecting a timely meal, unless they’re stupid, and I can’t really feel sorry for anyone who gets cranky over the wait.

Back in the Red kitchen, things run smoothly until Christina sends out some RAWR Wellingtons.

“RAWR!”

All of them are RAWR, and they have to wait 15 minutes for some new ones to bake. Gordon can’t deal with the girls anymore, so he goes to yell at Royce. Credenza/Clemenza/Whoever doubts Royce’s pasta making ability, and he’s right–the spaghetti is crunchy. Seriously?

Seriously? Now the spaghetti is RAWR, too?

The inability boil noodles in water gets Royce sent upstairs to priss around. Then someone undercooks the Wellington, and Gordon freaks the fuck out and sends the entire team to join Royce. I guess they promised Scott some camera time beyond the bald head stunt. This means Gordon has plenty of time to jump up the Red team’s ass, and after only a few minutes, he shuts them down, too. Gordon declares the Blue team the losers, because they didn’t even get appetizers out. I guess Asshole Chris has to own that loss to the females.

We’re like two minutes into the premiere, and he already hates them all.

The boys have some nominations to make, which means everyone gets cranky. They argue between Royce, Tavon, and Don, who seems to have been thrown in there because he didn’t get a chance to serve any entrees. It’s not his fault, since the whole crew got kicked out before they even started the entrees, but you know how those things go. There’s probably some kind of buddy alliance things happening, or maybe they just want Royce to shut up. Tavon sticks up for Don, at least.

At elimination, Tavon and Don are sent up, and Gordon puts the brakes on right there. Don didn’t even get a chance to cook, he says, so that consensus is bullshit. He overrides it and drags Royce to the front lines.

Ha!

The dudes stammer over their defenses, and Royce throws Guy under the bus, which just makes him look like a crybaby douchebag. It’s not enough to save Tavon, though, and he’s sent packing without a word to anyone. Oh well, he’s young. He’ll bounce back, and I’m sure he’ll be running that Taco Bell kitchen again like nothing ever happened. Gordon tells the rest of them to fuck off, and Don gets all smug about the failure of the great plan to oust Texas. Robyn claims they’ll have no trouble kicking the boys’ asses. Maybe literally!

The Tuesday episodes will be fielded by PopePhilly, and the first one looks to be drama-packed. Welcome to a new season!