Raj went home in episode three of Hell’s Kitchen after acting as the antagonist and garbage disposal for Team Blue. Episode four picks up with the men celebrating the departure of Raj. Chef Rob says that he feels like a “100,000 pound gorilla had been lifted from my back.” With the departure of one person the tide has turned for Team Blue. I’ll buy that. Now they’re unbeatable, they’re doubly efficient, they’re more deluded than Michael Lohan.
I think we should go into acting, too.
It’s time for a celebratory drink on the men’s side. On the women’s side the divide grows deeper. Brows and NaughtyChef are sitting at the counter reveling in the results of the elimination. “Just because you’re fat and ugly, you don’t like us,” Brows says, summing up the situation as adeptly as she draws on her eyebrows.
with just a dash of…
Betty Brows is pleased with herself. Even though her friend NaughtyChef was up for elimination, Brows made the announcement that she voted for Melissa. She wanted Melissa and Emily called before Chef Ramsay.
Sabrina’s bemoaning being “singled out” by her team for elimination. Apparently after all her mean words and snotty attitude she expected a united front at the elimination ceremony.
But all the women received a pass when Raj was eliminated, leaving four other women for Betty Brows and NaughtyChef to answer to…
For example, at that precise moment Melissa and Gail are on the couch at the dorms discussing the inevitable turn their team will take since Sabrina will be staying for at least one more round. “It’s going to start getting dirty,” Melissa tells Gail. Gail agrees, they don’t want their team to implode, but where there is Sabrina there is trouble. And probably long blond hair in the food…
A new day dawns and Ramsay calls the two teams down to the kitchen. His first matter of the day is to ask the smokers in the cast to try to give it up for 48 hours. Camp Chef, UgLouis says that he will do it, because his Chef asked him to, later he will offer to put his hand in the fryer if Chef asks him to.
Camp Motto: Get it right, or pay the price.
Ramsay points out to the contestants that smoking affects the palate and they will be better chefs if they give it up. They’d be great chefs if they learn how to cook the meat all the way through, but one step at a time.
Second matter of the day is the challenge, pasta. Ramsay wants all the contestants to come up with a signature ravioli. They must make their own pasta, create a unique filling and cook the pasta properly.
Let me repeat that. An award winning, celebrity chef is demonstrating for a bunch of buffoons the proper way to cook pasta. Who will be able to cook the PASTA properly? Place your bets.
Ramsay has finished his Chef Boy, areyouamoron demonstration and it’s time for the contestants to get to work. They have 30 minutes to cook, then they have to rank themselves within their teams from one to six.
Sabrina is having trouble in the kitchen. She can’t use the press, she can’t open the fridge and Melissa pities her and helps her out.
Talented and gifted.
On the blue side, Trev is being a team player and assisting his teammates. UgLouis says that Pointdexter “can follow simple instructions,” and that he’s “a tool to be used, he’s not a chef.” Tool.
Pointdexter gets no respect, but that doesn’t stop him from running in circles around the kitchen while trying to get attention and praise.
It’s the last five minutes of the pasta challenge and everyone is scrambling. The women seem to fall into an order quite quickly, but Pointdexter is shouting at the men on the blue side. They haven’t tasted his dish. He’s trying to squeeze in like last call for dessert at fat camp, but no one’s paying attention. Pointdexter gets the last spot.
I’ll do your homework too.
It’s time to go head to head, red vs. blue. Ramsay asks the women if they’re happy with their ranking decisions and Gail, formerly in the third slot, says she wants to move and she falls to the back of the line. Ramsay comments that for an executive chef not to be confident in her dish is troubling.
First up are the dishes the teams think are the strongest, Melissa vs. Jumpstreet. Melissa has prepared a pancetta ravioli in a walnut cream sauce, and Ramsay likes it. Vinny has prepared Swiss Chard, bacon and Fontina ravioli and Ramsay likes that too. His criticism is… interrupted by Jumpstreet. So Ramsay verbally spanks him for not only being rude, but also for serving him ravioli that have burst. In other words, Jumpstreet didn’t properly cook his pasta. Which Ramsay warned all the contestants about. Melissa wins the point.
And the dance portion of the program.
2nd: Betty Brows vs. Rob. Points for both teams.
3rd: Nona vs. Russell. Point for the men.
4th: ApplesauceChef vs. UgLouis’s salmon mousse-pine nut ravioli, which gets spit out on the floor. Point for the women.
5th: NaughtyChef vs. Boris. Ramsay like the flavor of both, but Sabrina screwed her pasta and served up burst ravioli. (That’s a Chef Boyaredon’t)
And one big win for Mr. Clean.
The teams are tied and it’s between Pointdexter’s ignored dish and Gail’s self-loathing dish to decide the win.
Ramsay says one of the dishes is under-seasoned, so the winner is… Pointdexter. When Ramsay says these dishes are not the weakest, Trev makes a point of telling Ramsay that his teammates didn’t even try his dish. They just pushed him to the back.
Who’d got two thumbs and likes taking it from the team? This guy.
Despite his whining, his team gives Trev a couple of high fives. The men find out that their reward will be a helicopter ride down the coast to spend a day at an exclusive resort. Also, tomorrow night will be Italian night in HK and Jumpstreet’s ravioli will be going on the menu. The women will have to prep both kitchens, which includes making the pasta and their own mozzarella.
NaughtyChef reinterprets history by saying they’re stuck with all that work because Gail lost the challenge for them, omitting the fact that she also did not win a point.
As the men celebrate their prize, the women start work on the kitchens. Melissa tells the camera that Sabrina didn’t win a point either. Betty Brows points out that no one likes each other on Team Red.
The men are at the airport for their helicopter ride to the resort. They’re very happy to have the chance to ride in a helicopter. They should enjoy this experience, because this may be their last delusion of luxury for a while. After this show is done filming the only way these losers will only come close to this experience again is if they take a job as an elevator man… bonus, then they can tell the tale of their heroic helicopter ride to their captive audience.
Call me Maverick.
Back in the red kitchen the women receive the dairy delivery. It’s not what they were expecting exactly, the milk is not delivered in cartons… the cows will be milking cows. Of course NaughtyChef is the only one not willing man up and do what needs to be done. She whines and hides from the work.
While Brows double-fists.
The men are on the golf course and it is immediately clear that some of them have more natural ability than others. Boris is horrible and Jumpstreet, despite his lack of interest in the sport, manages to tee off quite well and win the accolades of his team.
Blob says that Jumpstreet is the definition of beginners’ luck. He made the ravioli that will be going on the menu and he hit the ball better than the other Neanderthals. If he could stumble ass backwards into a current haircut, he may have a shot at a career.
He’s obviously more likely to participate in T-Shirt Time than tee time.
The women are at work prepping and Sabrina has question after question and snotty retort after snotty retort for her teammates. She asks questions about the sautéed mushrooms and when Melissa responds she blows her off.
But that doesn’t dissuade NaughtyChef from continuing to seek help. She has questions about salt, dough, dishes and procedure.
Applesauce says that nothing that anyone tells Sabrina sinks in. “It’s like a pair of sunglasses that block out all hearing as well as sight.”
But less fancy.
Applesauce lacks a precise analogy, but does not lack the facts. Sabrina continues to mosey around the kitchen making up her own answers to basic culinary questions.
The men are gathered around a fire pit talking about their team. Pointdexter says he doesn’t feel like part of the team. The men don’t want to discuss Trev’s feelings and want him to stop being a wet blanket. Jumpstreet finally says that they didn’t intend to hurt his feelings, now lets all drink to the strength of the team.
Chef Blondebrows, who I don’t think I’ve seen before. Did he have any screen time yet? Russell. Chef Russell says “hopefully now we can regroup as a team.” Yes, because this show is famous for chronicling underdog victories. Oh wait, this show is famous for a celebrity chef calling contestants “donkeys” after they garbage pick food or put rancid meat into 5-star dishes. So that’s not going to happen at all Russ, but thanks for playing.
The men return to Hell’s Kitchen as the women are still working on prep, when the red team enters the dorm Trev has returned to his funk and is hosting a one person pity party on the porch.
UgLouis had another depression to attend so he ditches Pointdexter while he’s muttering, “I didn’t even get a thank you.”
I feel so cheap.
Gail joins Trev on the porch for a smoke just in time to catch the tail end of his funk. Trev is either thinks that he’s emo-sexy, or he’s just stupid drunk and asks Gail if she wants to make out a little bit.
He gets shut down. But the dairy cows may still be in the parking lot — Pointdexter, you may want to check that out.
It’s time for dinner service. Jumpstreet gets extra greaz-ay for Italian night, but the prep was less than extra special. He doesn’t think the girls prepared the ravioli properly and Betty Brows calls him a bitch.
There’s a Donkeylips is every group.
Ramsay appears to ask the status of the no-so-great smoke-out and NoNeck and Jumpstreet have kept their promises not to smoke. They’re the only ones.
Service begins and UgLouis says it’s going to be fast and furious, while Sabrina tells her team she’ll look to them to if she needs help. The red team is thrilled.
Ramsay’s menu for the evening includes shrimp scampi, pork chops and chicken parmigiana in addition to Jumpstreet’s ravioli.
Time for the appetizer orders and Jack Osborne is the star(?)-ish on hand in the dining room. Russell has appetizers coming out, but Melissa can’t do the same for Red. She prepares only one order of ravioli instead of two. She tries to quickly prepare the second dish, but it’s still cold when it gets to Ramsay. Sabrina says Melissa just looks like a dumbass and all of Team Red stands around with their thumbs firmly lodged in their butts and don’t assist Melissa in getting the first courses out.
Cry. For. Help.
It’s smooth… smoother sailing on the other side, where Camp Chef UgLouis gets the first meat orders of the evening. Ug has brings up stone cold, raw salmon. Russell points out that Ug “is a camp chef, which means he grills and he can’t grill a piece of salmon.” And by grills salmon he means he stirs pudding and skewers marshmallows.
On Team Red Melissa tries to redeem herself but has made the same mistake with basic math. She’s made six ravioli instead of nine. Whoops.
Back in Blue’s meat station UgLouis hasn’t recovered. He’s screwed the pork and the customers’ complaints start to roll in.
Sabrina’s meat station is also is disarray. NaughtyChef doesn’t know timing and is making up nonsensical ETAs for the meat.
NaughtyChef is being questioned on her timing and she doesn’t have an answer. Teammate Gail is trying to get an answer, but all Sabrina can say is “I’m going to point to you, ok? I’m going to point to you.”
That’s only an acceptable strategy in karaoke bars.
NaughtyChef turns to Melissa for answers and with BigMels’s assistance she finally gets meat up to the pass.
Ug has his shit together… temporarily. In the meantime Chef Blob has burned the pizza. Ramsay throws him out of the kitchen. He sends him to the bar to eat his own burnt pizza.
Gail is still trying to get an answer from Sabrina, NaughtyChef asks her to wait on the pasta. NC tells the camera, “Chef Ramsay said from the beginning that I’m not a team player — and you know what? He’s right. But everyone thinks I’m stupid. But I’m one manipulative bitch.”
That’s insightful. Thanks.
So to spite Gail, or because she couldn’t find a well cooked plate with both hands and a flashlight, Sabrina brings her meat to the pass without alerting Gail. Gail is left scrambling to get her pasta dish together as Ramsay screams.
Ug is back to screwing the blue team. There is a table in the kitchen that contains a couple soon to be engaged. Maitre’d James comes to the window to inquire about their food, they’ve being waiting. Since Ug can’t appease these diners with a Wiggles tape until dinner is ready as he would in his full time camp job, he’s back to sweating it out over the meat station. Ug pulls out a pork chop and it’s raw. He barehands-it and shows Chef Scott that it’s not ready.
Scott is livid, not only is UgLouis screwing up the food, but he walking around with it in his bare hands. It’s gross.
Ramsay pulls all the men together to berate them for coming back from a reward and perform poorly.
Next time he’s sending you for lobotomies.
Boris takes the opportunity to start washing up. Ramsay sees this and kicks him out. The team is struggling and Boris isn’t helping to get entrees out by manning the sink. He demotes Boris to full time dishwasher and kicks him off the line.
Back at the blue meat station, UgLouis delivers his death warrant by bringing up the chicken parm for the engagement table. Upon Ramsay’s inspection, he sees that the chicken is raw. The breading is intact and the cheese is partially melted, but the chicken is pink. It’s not easy to get a coat of breading and cheese on something and it still be straight-from-the-butcher pink. Ramsay makes the slow approach to the meat station and drops the plate. Louis takes on look and says, “it’s raw.”
It’s a friggin’ masterpiece of failure. I don’t know how he got it to appear complete without the chicken cooking at all, but he did and Ramsay isn’t nearly as impressed as I am. Ug is tossed from the kitchen and told to take “the bulldog” with him.
Ha. I’m using that one.
Jumpstreet is installed at the meat station and the blue kitchen is productive again. Red completes dinner service and the ladies are sent into the blue kitchen to assist the men. They’re not accepted on the men’s turf and the women only succeed in creating a bigger mess. Ramsay kicks the entire cast out of the kitchen with several tickets remaining. Ramsay and his two sous chefs complete dinner service alone.
Service is over and the teams are brought back to the kitchen for Ramsay to announce the winner, which does not exist among this group. He asks for two nominees from both teams.
The red team is debating how they should decide who to send. Should they base their decision on just tonight’s performance? With that loose reasoning NaughtyChef and Betty Brows both nominate Melissa and Gail. NoNeck is outraged that NaughtyChef would nominate Melissa after she bailed her out, repeatedly.
The men easily decide that Bulldog and Ug should go up because they both got ejected. Bull thinks Rob should go in his place, he got kicked out for food while he just wanted to tidy-up at an inconvenient time.
When the red team separates, NoNeck convinces Melissa and Gail to fight their nominations. Sabrina is confronted and unleashes and tirade of which I can only understand “at all, at all.”
I’m not qualified… at all, at all.
Time for the elimination ceremony. NoNeck is asked to name the female nominees and she names Melissa first. The second nominee? Gail. Wait. No. “It’s Sabrina,” she says.
Don’t ask too many questions, it’s almost over.
Sabrina and Melissa join Ug and Bulldog in front of Ramsay and Gordo fakes out Melissa before sending Boris and BigMel back to their teams. Faced with NaughtyChef and UgLouis, Ramsay sends home Ug. He’s so terrible, he makes Sabrina look professional… chef, a professional chef.
So another two hours this week. How do you feel about this season? And why is Fox burning through episodes so quickly? Anyone think there’s no where else to go with this series?
Episode 5 and 6 coming soon!