Hell’s Kitchen: Send in the Clowns

The Fox gods (recently downgraded to semi-gods) have bestowed upon us the 9th season of Hell’s Kitchen. Another group of 18 chefs — with Michelin-aspirations and McDonald’s training — have arrived in Los Angeles to compete for more money than they could conceivably spend on tattoos and X-Box accessories.

 

10 years of your life Gordo…

 

In a sneak peek of “the most volatile season yet” we see a couple minutes of all the raw food presented to Ramsay in the upcoming season — and as usual there is no shortage of footage.

 

As the episode begins all the new contestants are on a party bus with Maitre’d-James and they’re starting to get STOKED for their public humiliation. They’re all served champagne until the compliments start to fly.

 

FUNNEL IT!

 

A large ginger-beard, Mario Ba-Trashy, is first to comment, “I can’t wait to start cooking!” My beard dander is my SECRET WEAPON! He screams into the camera…

 

I’m awesome! says the Young Blondie, I’m awesome! says the Sad Redneck. Ramsay is awesome! “I have the biggest crush on him,” says Old Blondie with a Tara Reid hiccup laugh… hehehe.

 

I can’t wait to see you drown in your own shame.

 

It’s a love fest all the way to the Orpheum Theatre where they are led backstage to start hair and make-up.

 

 

All the contestants speak of their aspirations for stardom. As history has shown… um, the chick with the weird eyebrows from a middle season… or, um, the skinny man-bitch from season one are all such massive celebrities that their path to greatness clearly began with meltdowns in Hell’s Kitchen.

 

The cast is prepped and assembled on stage. They can hear the “crowd” chanting, and their “fans’” excitement is contagious. The curtain goes up and the cast throw their arms in the air ready to accept their unwavering support from an audience that has never seen their ugly mugs before, people who would probably cross the street if they passed them on the side walk on a dark night.

 

SURPRISE! There’s no audience. The sound effects were faked and only Ramsay is in the theatre — and pulling off the most haunting slow-clap scene since The Joker was removed from Gotham.

 

 

If only they would take his advice and quit now… they should all quit NOW.

 

The cast stands on stage, hopefully feeling as ridiculous as they look. Dumbasses thought they had stumbled ass backwards into a sea of unconditional love, but are instead they are told they’re not stars — by the star, Chef Gordon Ramsay.

 

Why so SERIOUS?

 

Ramsay is the star… And next time they forget that, they’ll be humiliated on camera, only no one will have applied a fresh coat of mascara to their brittle lashes first. Gordo announces that the winner will get $250,000 and the chance to pretend they earned a place on the line at BLT Steak in NYC.

 

Redneck Jonathan, who makes Kevin Federline look like the Old Spice Guy tells us that he’s “ready to handle the big time.” Jonathon knows you have to dress for the job you want not the job you have, that’s why he showed up with a neck tattoo and necklace he spotted near the register at Hess Quick Stop. BIG TIME.

 

So much larger than life.

 

Get ready, it’s Hell’s Kitchen ya’ll…

 

The new credits roll and this year Ramsay lords over the cast as they’re tormented in the pinball level of Hell. Once the chef-tards arrive at the kitchen, Ramsay is ready to taste their signature dishes. He has instructed them to cook something they’re proud of, as it is their first chance to impress… Or their first chance to have food spit back in their face.

 

They all rush to the kitchen where Montell Jordan is quick to get in a fight with Elise. Elisa is all sass… That’s so ELISE! She’s ready to fight. “They better watch themselves… ” she says as she’s quick to cut down Monty and move on.

 

Please note that chunky jewelry can now be substituted for personality.

 

I, as a NJ-native and current Cake Boss-dodging, Manzo-boy neighbor — am none-to-pleased to see my hood over-represented this season. I’ve counted three so far and I fear the worst for New Jersey. You know,  worse than everything else that’s being filmed in NJ.

 

 

Will, a Jersey City native and avid neck-sweat-er is excited to be cooking in Hell’s Kitchen, but essentially it’s the “same shit, different toilet.”

 

William. As in SHAKESPEARE.

 

The 45 minutes are over and Ramsay has the teams assemble, he announces that this is actually their first team challenge.

 

(So, let’s up the ante and make it a double-elimination too… this season is already too long.)

 

First to present is OldBlondieCarrie. Carrie is a “Pantry Chef” which essentially means she’s 31 years old in an entry-level position, and she’s up against doughboy Will — a self-described “Pizza Bagel”, meaning he is Jewish and Italian and every girl’s last resort for a Friday night dinner.

 

Carrie is shamed after feeding Rams mashed potatoes with sugar in them.

 

 

Excuse… me?

 

Exactly.

 

Despite Carrie describing her dish as “an orgasm in your mouth,” Ramsay spits it out and awards the men a point.

 

In round two Amanda’s eggplant and Brendon’s salmon both earn a point. Round three brings HomeHighlights Jennifer against Redneck Feder-grease.  Jennifer has actually prepared a passable pork dish as opposed to Feder-grease who opened can of pineapple and presented it to Ramsay. Of course Ramster is offended that Feder-grease is feeding him from the bomb-shelter stores and refuses to accept “limited time” as an excuse.

 

 

 

 

Ramsay offers him the opportunity to “f%#$-off now”– or wait, possibly contract a new disease from a competitor and then f%^*-off later. Ramsay refuses to taste the dish and awards Red another point.

 

Krupa is up for the women’s team and she’s KR-azy… she presents Ramsay with a dish of handmade naan in goose droppings.

 

Her dish looks like something you would find stuck to the top of 3 month old take out container.

 

Ramsay wants no part of it and awards the round 4 point to Blue’s pint-sized pip, Paulie.

 

Red’s Jamie presents overcooked lamb to Ramsay in the next round, but the real FAIL is that someone found the inspiration for Sammy from The Wedding Singer. This man’s name is Steven and he’s holding on to the pornstache at all costs. Despite “30 years of experience” making his female co-workers uncomfortable in the kitchen, the best dish Steven-Sammy has to offer is scallops that have been overcooked to the consistency of “dinosaur toenails.”

 

 

…with cheese.

 

Ramsay doesn’t award either team a point.

 

That’s so RAVEN! ties it the next round for Red. 3-3. That brings some blonde chick and Monty who both earn a point and keep it even at 4-4.

 

Elizabeth is up against Tommy in the seventh round. Tommy looks like a gargoyle that has been tagged by every kid in the neighborhood… he has a prison, forehead tattoo and the wardrobe of Jo from Facts of Life.

 

He’ll haunt your dreams.

 

…but both earn a point. The final round is Gina and her burnt scallops vs. Ba-Trashy and his pork tacos. The tacos are not high brow, but they’re delicious and Ramsay awards the win to the men. The men’s team is off to have dinner with last season’s winner, Nona, while the women stay behind and clean both kitchens.

 

While Nona, made up like a Minnesota cadaver, tells the men to keep fighting the women are ass deep in dirty dishes.

 

When in doubt, more blue eye shadow.

 

Raven can’t believe she has to mop when she earned a point in the cook-off. Her cooking skills have earned her a junior management position at Arby’s! She left this menial shit back in the day.

 

The men are back and they head straight into prep for dinner service. Krupa is ready to redeem herself tonight, she knows her KRappy dish cost her team the win.

 

On the blue side, big man Ba-Trashy is swaying in his Crocs. He doesn’t feel well and eventually his team brings him to the medic who sends him to the ER.

 

…on the party bus! Woo hoo! FUNNEL!

 

Ramsay announces that Ba-Trashy won’t be returning to Hell’s Kitchen, but wipe your tears and re-read the instructions on how to wash your hands… it’s time to open for dinner service.

 

Because watching the chefs be berated is a more pleasurable experience than dining in the restaurant — this year, Hell’s Kitchen has added a balcony where diners can receive a “unique view” of the kitchen, or a chef can stage a “dramatic suicide”…

 

First orders are in to the Blue kitchen, but Chino asks Ramsay to repeat himself and is told to f&% off. Raven then interrupts Ramsay when he’s at the pass in Red and is forced to call out the tickets herself. When Ramster returns to Blue, Monty has delivered the garnish for the entree, even though the appetizers just hit the pan. Despite being a efficient member of the Taco Bell team, Monty fails to understand that constantly bringing up food at restaurant without ” / Pizza Hut Express” in the title will not earn him praise.

 

In the Red kitchen Old Blondie bring up scallops even though Raven doesn’t deliver the risotto. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t timed well, the risotto is compared to rice pudding and Krupa replaces Raven on apps — even though Raven threatens to “kick her ass with a blind fold and a broken arm”.

 

… and a fire extinguisher.

 

On Blue, Sammy is screaming that he’s ready to go, but he has skipped a ticket and gets ripped a new asshole. Will wobbles up to the pass with the correct appetizers and one table is fed apps in the Blue dining room.

 

 

Krupa has completed one risotto app and hoots in celebration of her achievement. Ramsay puts a stop to that and tells her he wants ten more executed before she can “pee her kickers”.

 

 

Slap on some Poise and finish cooking, Whoopi.

 

The Blue Kitchen is starting entrees, but never completes one. Chino is kicked out for serving up raw fish and is banished to the chef’s table where is relegated to prep work.

 

It’s not long before Sammy decides to slide in front of the gun and ruin the scallops. He tries to convince Ramsay that they’re cooked properly because they’re “springy”. Sammy’s kicked out. Quickly followed by Tommy.

 

 

One…

 

 

Two…

 

Three…

 

Back and forth until three gargoyles are kicked out of Blue and That’s So Raven! has been cancelled on Red for trying to hijack the fish station from Carrie who is incapable of cooking a scallop.

 

 

 

Time out for shoving…

 

In the Blue Kitchen Jonathon has prepared the beef wellington and as Ramsay says, “look at it…” — Feder-grease’s knee jerk reaction is to apologize, but Ramsay then says “it’s cooked perfectly”.

 

So it’s like “pigs in a blanket” with fancy meat!

 

He cooked the beef well and actually pulls off the same feat a couple more times despite cooking nothing but squirrel and raccoon thusfar in his career. Monty can’t get the garnish to the window so the beef goes in the garbage. They never succeed in getting an entire entree order to the window and Ramsay calls for them to shut down the kitchen as the customers all head for the In-N-Out drive-thru.

 

Sammy offers to jump in and start cleaning when Ramsay is yelling about the customers walking out. Of course that wasn’t the solution Ramsay was searching for and they’re told to shut it down. Ramsay names the women the winners and the men have to head to the dorms and nominate two people for elimination.

 

The men start to got at it in line when Paul calls Brendon worthless… Paulie offers to “pull’em out right now” to end the dispute. But we will all keep our vision — and they continue the fight in the dorms.

 

 

 

Despite a fight between Brendon and Paulie where insults like “meatball” and “dumpling” are thrown faster than Hell’s Kitchen scallops in the trash… the men decide to nominate Monty and Sammy. Ramsay’s not content with this decision, he want’s Chino’s blood too.

 

In the end it’s Sammy and his pornstache that have to go. He’s too creepy. Even for this show.

 

So what did you think of this season opener? Will you be watching this season?