Hell’s Kitchen: Sour Grapes

Last week on Hell’s Kitchen, Jamie’s got her hair in the food and her ass in the line of fire. Ramsay claimed he was getting no response from her, so she needed to get out asap. Back at the dorms, Elise is relieved to still be in the game, but she has no doubt it was supposed to be Carrie on the Greyhound back home.

Even Elizabeth speaks up to say that she can’t believe it wasn’t Carrie. Jennifer lays down in the bed completely defeated… she’s left with “Moe, LAHHHry, and Curly” now that Jamie is gone. She wants to go to sleep and wake up in Southie… and forget that she’ll be forced to supervise the Playskool kitchen tomorrow.

*sobbing* “…sometimes you wanna go, wherrrre everybahhhdy knows YoAHH nameee…”

The next day, the contestants are assembling in the kitchen for this week’s challenge. It’s time to test the palates of these contestants, it’s the blind taste test. Let me remind you that on Top Chef, they’re challenged to identify salmon roe and okra… Hell’s Kitchen contestants have trouble identifying hot dog and an apple.

First up is Tommy vs. Carrie — the announcer reminds us that each chef will be asked to identify four ingredients while blindfolded. For added fun, they are also fitted with headphones so they don’t hear their mother’s disappointed sighs from 1000 miles away. Ramsay makes a point of testing the equipment, calling Tommy a moppet and Carrie a pantry girl… he shows incredible restraint by not spending an hour telling off his contestants and actually proceeds to the challenge.

First item is anchovies, Tommy says sardines, Carrie says salmon.

2.) Carrots: Tommy says radish and Carrie correctly  identifies carrots.

3.) Egg Yolk: Tommy says potato, Carrie says hard boiled egg, but that answer is not close enough. No point.

4.) Mango: Tommy gets it, although Carrie thinks it’s strawberry…

The schnozberries taste like schnozberries!

Next is Elizabeth vs Will. Despite being in “prepared mode”… prepared to take a pounding Van Nuys-style…

The horse show is being filmed later.

She’s unable to correctly identify any of the ingredients.  Will loses a little of Ramsay’s respect when he can’t identify cauliflower, lobster (which he thinks is mushrooms) or pumpkin. Last chance for either is mushy peas, which is apparently on the HK menu (?) … for the Gerber generation.

Chopped!

Elizabeth nearly has a meltdown when she can’t figure it out. She stutters and curses like an epicurean hobo and she eventually says spinach. It’s not spinach and Will wins a point (but no respect) for correctly identifying mushy peas.

F*^&ing Baby Bullet Bullshit!

Blue is up 2-1 as Homehighlights and Meatballs strap on the blindfolds for Ramsay to do his worst. He feeds them chicken.

Chicken.

Jenni and Paulie both say turkey and their teams sigh and throw up their hands like most of them didn’t just mis-identify components of a Lunchables.

2.)  Asparagus: Paulie gets it, Jen misses.

3.) Pecans: Both say walnuts. Paulie, WALNUTS?

Paulie… WALNUTS?

4.) Cheddar Cheese: Paulie says parm.

WOW. Don’t they have nostrils? Is it just me or is parmigiana a smell you don’t mistake? But Jennifer is able to put up a point for Red by getting cheddar (cheddaaah)  right.

Will says it’s because she’s from New England, and cheddar cheese is such a rare delicacy in New Jersey? I can vouch and say we indeed have it. Sliced, spread or dispersed from a can, we have it.

It all comes down to Ravin’ vs. Natalie for the win. Elise manages to get a leg up on her solid blonde rival and for the final point…

1.) Filet Mignon: Point Elise. (Natalie thought it was turkey)

2.) Brussel Sprouts: Neither have ever even heard of it…

3.) Coconut: Natalie and Elise both earn a point.

4.) Sour Cream… Natalie misses it, she says creme fraiche and her team recoiled like they were all hit with force of their deflating egos.

If Ravin’ has the right answer, then Red will take the win. Elise?

SOUR CREAM!

She secures the win and she’s headed to dinner in the Hollywood Hills as the Blue team is stuck peeling 200 lbs of grapes for a handmade jam, that will accompany the new menu for the next dinner service — when HK becomes a steak house.

The Blue team faces their failure… Tommy is upset he won’t be going ridin’ — “riding anything is fun, whether it has a motor, or legs,” he says, dreaming of his 19 year old girlfriend on her tricycle.

The ladies of Team Red will be getting to dinner on horseback — they all scream and jump like getting ready for dinner, only to mount an animal first is an exciting adventure. Isn’t that just your usual routine before they take you to the McD’s drive-thru?

Ginuwinos: Ride it. That pony…

Elise will be “riding the shit out of that horse,” but it’s Carrie that makes the pony move it’s bowels… The Red team arrives at a stable where they’ll pick up their horses to ride to their dinner in the LA hills. As they approach their mounts, Maitre’d  James comes riding in like he’s confronting Aunt Mame at the Fox hunt…

…and asks if any of them have any experience with horses. SugarTots is too happy to tell tales of the family ranch, however as she approaches the horse it takes one look at her creased smirk and it pees. It pees.. and pees… and pees… it’s a lake… and all women of HK squeal and act like they’re not more severely abused than an Tijiana horse, every night at  HK.

Don’t get all squeamish now.

They ride to the top of the hill where a selection of food… and more importantly, wine is awaiting them. Carrie indulgences — and Elise sits back and takes notes.

Back in the kitchen Natalie is at the mercy of 200 lb of grapes, that Ramsay requested be peeled by hand — plus 200lbs of shitty grape puns, courtesy of Tommy.

“…if you give me a minute for my brain to work, you’ll have grape expectations for a better joke… Natalie, I fear that I’ve lost all a-peel to you…”

Tommy continues to write jokes his ass can’t cash, eventually pushing Natalie to her  breaking point…

She loses her shit and starts flings and stopping grapes like Lucy after she found out Ricky had an affair with Fred.

Red returns, tipsy from sipping on grape juice in the Hollywood Hills… smelling like they “just stumbled out of a bar at 4am.”

Ravin’ is happy to tell Blue they were all jovially toasting… getting some more of those SWEET California grapes.

…but once the women settle in to bed, Ravin’ wants to share the real story of the in day in Green Acres with Natalie. She concentrates a little too much on the “Carrie’s an asshole” angle, causing the ladies’ bedroom to erupt. SugarTots doesn’t like that Ravin’ exagerrated the horse’s aversion to her.

That horse and I had and connection and YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!

Carrie jumps up from bed to wave her finger in Elise’s face and tell her to shut up. The men can hear the fighting from the next room, but would rather the women tear each other to shreds now and be forced to forefit the rest of the season. Carrie and Elise finally scream themselves out and Elise promises to send Carrie home tomorrow.

Again.

Both teams have an early start the next day, although as Paulie Meatballs points out, it’s a very “streamlined” menu. It’s like four items, plus cold appetizers. There is nothing to cook. The dining room is overbooked, so they’ll have two seatings. Since Red won the challenge they can choose if they would like to cook first or second…

*BeepBeep* Physical Challenge.

Red decided they’ll act as waitstaff first, as Blue cooks — then they’ll prepare food for the second seating.

Elise has strategized that they will learn from the first service, how the tickets roll in and figure out where “we’re gonna get pounded.” Answer: In the DIGNITY.

So as the women head to the dining room and get briefed by James before heading out to take orders. Tommy preps his appetizer station, but having everything already prepared doesn’t really do him any good when orders start to arrive. Despite only offering salads, shrimp cocktails and some sort of tuna fish on a cracker thing, he falls behind and Ramsay wants answers. “What’you doing?”

Spending too much time de-wedging the wedge salad.

Blue only has 90 minutes to feed the dining room and Tommy sops up most of that time smearing salad dressing on wedges of iceberg. Elise is experiencing some sting from Ramsay, she is giving him the unabridged tickets and he’s not having it.

Tommy is rushing around the appetizer station, but he isn’t answering Ramsay’s questions and the rest of Blue jumps in to scream at him, but not to help. With only 30 minutes remaining, entrees start to go out, until everything comes to a screeching halt when Natalie can’t tell the difference between a medium rare and a medium steak, which she cooked, they’re both very cinder block colored.

She’s overcooked them both, she brings up another round of overcooked beef as Red makes excuses for the kitchen.

The next batch of steak is… on fire.

Ramsay tries to get Natalie to stop trying to put out the grease fire like it’s a set of birthday candles. He goes to the meat station to extinguish the flames and scream at Natalie, Blue has to switch off with five tables left unfed.

Losers.

Red thinks they have a leg up as they enter the kitchen to complete their service… which means Tommy is table side, doting on the patrons.

He better be prepared with pepper and smelling salts once the diners lay eyes on him…  He’s a walking appetite suppressant.

In the Red kitchen Elizabeth is able to get the appetizers out in under an hour, but Tommy still manages to stall apps, even though he’s front of house. Ramsay wants to know why it’s written in Cantonese.

I think it’s time to re-consider your recruitment techniques.

Red seems prepared to push out entrees, until Ramsay discovers Elise’s raw bass.

She recovers, but Carrie on garnish drags them all down. Jennifer loses her cool and practically launches herself over the open flames of the stove tops to scream at Carrie. “If you need f*^&ing help, YOU f&^%ing ASK.”

Stay away from the sugar!

Some garnish gets to Ramsay, but once his spoon hits the pot, he sees her potatoes are burnt. And for her trouble Ramsay dumps them all on the table, like he’s preparing to lay tile.

Only 10 minutes remain in Red’s service as Elise drops her bass. That was the final nail in the diners coffin. They won’t be eating tonight. Red has to shut down their kitchen.

Ramsay can’t award the win together team, so he asks for noms from both teams.

Blue easily nominates Tommy and Red nominates Carrie. Despite Elise screaming at Jennifer in line about what a team player she is and (this is a DIRECT quote) “oh, I take constructive critcism” with the same tone as if she were saying “Oh, I’ll cut you.”

SugarTots says she “has so much more to show.” But Ramsay knows that is as meaningless as her job title… She’s FINALLY sent home.

Are you happy to see Carrie gone? … or that I’ve made an obscene amount of horse jokes?

Check back next week… and stay safe my fellow East Coast ‘gamii!