Hell’s Kitchen: The Fury Begins (You F***ing Donkey!)

WELCOME TO HELL’S KITCHEN SEASON 7!!

We (Fran and Berry) are very pleased to be sharing this fiery hot season of Hell’s Kitchen with you. Being an old married couple, Hell’s Kitchen is one of our favorite shows. We love to watch people fight worse than us!

Double double toil and trouble. Eye of newt and I’ll scream at you until your skin falls off.

Let’s get into it! We see a montage of the upcoming season. There’s an alternative girl named Siobhan?!? Maybe they cast this before American Idol came out or maybe Rupert Murdoch has a hard on for young freaky irish-american chicks. The voice over tells us, “this is the season you’ve been waiting for.” Damn straight. Because it’s the fiercest! The wildest! The sexiest! The sexiest? Really? I guess two hot chicks on a cooking show is pretty good odds.

Hell’s Kitchen or For the Love of Ramsay?

The hopefuls/contestants are ready to enter Chef Ramsay’s domain. They pull up in Hell’s Kitchen SUV’s like a secret service army of douchey haircuts. It’s true. They all have distinct bizarre haircuts. Maybe that’s the one thing chefs can do to feel like they are “expressing themselves.” Wait, that should be in their food! They all march up the steps and are all REALLY OVERLY CONFIDENT and it’s obnoxious. Inside Hell’s Kitchen (the restaurant) there are tons of extras pretending to be reporters and paparazzi for a “press conference.” All the newbies are into it until Gordon announces that he is personally guaranteeing that the first dinner service of the season will be complete. Meaning that everyone who is stupid enough to eat there will get their food before Gordon Ramsay screams “SHUT IT DOWN YOU DONKEY *****!!!” This dramatic proclamation takes us straight into the theme song….

Practicing for their Westside Story dance battle against Top Chef.

Back from commercial and they are already cooking their signature dishes. This season is wasting NO time at all. Stacey brags that it’s obvious that she’ll win because she’s a celebrity chef for Nathan Lane and Martin Short, so she’s used to things that are flaming. Holli (the sexy one) boasts that she can work just as hard anyone else there, and she’ll look good doing it. The camera scopes out her sexy ankle boots and then she immediately falls on the ground. She later said that she’d fall just as hard as anyone, but look like a trampy dumbass while she’s doing it.

Time is up and Gordon starts with the person with the least experience who is a total Tina Fey look-a-like. He thinks her dish looks like baby barf but he loves it. He loves it so much he hugs her. Maria, this season’s resident exuberant maniac flips out because, “he doesn’t just hug people!”

“I sat on the boxed wine straw!”

He loves it so much he kisses her, whoa! Wait! Then he full on makes out with her! Damn, so far the intro was right, it is the sexiest season so far! The are still making out!

“My safe word is: Fish Station.”

After they wipe the spit off of each other’s faces Gordon says that this person is not Tina Fey, she is actually his wife. Thank God, we were half expecting him to say she was his attorney or his sex slave or something. Wife Ramsay takes off her brown wig and glasses and the movie was right, She’s All That! G-Ram says that the reason he fooled them all was to prove that he doesn’t give a diddley about their experience, what matters is how they bring it in the kitchen. But we all know that a b.s. lie because they always have a weird prank on the first episode.

So as usual the girls/red team battles the boys/blue team. Here’s how the signature dish match went down:

1. Maria vs. Salvatore

Maria shakes her head a lot. A LOT! It’s already bugging us. Salvatore is from Naples, but he’s been in America for 21 years. He admits that he fakes his Italian accent for chicks. He also fakes his pasta so…..Maria wins!

2. Dorky Benjamin vs. Sexi Holli

Gordon likes the nerdy dude and gives the hot girl a hard time. Spits out her halibut wrapped in a banana leaf! She stutters about how it’s from India, no wait, Northern India? I believe? Point Benjamin!

3. Redheaded Scott vs. Jamie

Gordon pulls a toothpick out of Jamie’s chicken kiev, so he doesn’t even try it. Snap! Scott is a cocky ass who thinks he’s the bomb. He runs his mouth about how it will be hard for him to be a cook because he’s used to being a chef. A perfect time for Gordon Ramsey to put him in his place. They both loose.

4. Siobhan vs. Mohawk Mikey

Gordon razzes him on his mohawk and HE HAS A HELL’S KITCHEN TATTOO. A HUGE ONE! Well my word, he didn’t even wait to see if he’d make it past the first episode.

What the hell kind of navy did you get that in?

Siobhan gets all up in our face about how people see her dreadlocks and “assume she’s a dirty hippy girl.” She said it so we don’t have to. Despite their hair, G-Ram loves both of their dishes they both get a point.

“I wonder if I packed my Daria VHS tapes…….”

5. Stacey vs. Jay

Jay wins.

6. Fran (Not me! The old lady on the show! We’ll call her Old Fran.) Old Fran vs. Jason

Jason Wins. The boys are kicking ass!

7. Ed vs. Autumn

Autumn wins.

8. Nilka vs. Farmer Andrew

Andrew is super creepy. He says he raises and butchers his own animals and likes to eat them raw. He is a fa-reak! He also says that he only wants to win so he can get two walk in freezers. That’s all he wants! Somebody needs to tell him quick that that’s not the prize. Someone also needs to call the cops because he aint right! Ew gross. He made steak tartare.

It puts the tartare in the basket.

Nilka blows it because her hot wings are too spicy. She admits that she put a half a bottle of tabasco in them.

Total those scores, the boys win! BTW, the winner of this season wins head chef at Savoy in London. Impressed? We are even though we’ve never heard of it! Jason puts it in rap terms so we can understand it, it’s like Jay-Z. The contestants are jazzed and go up to check out the dorms. The dudes are super into the dorms. The ladies are super into the free knives they all get. Maria looks like a dog how she shakes her head around. I’m half expecting her leg to fly up and scratch behind her ear.

“My signature dish is pan seared blown chunks.”

The girls hunker down and study. The boys do too but the voiceover makes it sound like they are not as confident. Then a fire alarm goes off. They all run around like maniacs. But it’s really an alarm indicating that they have to watch a G-Ram video tutorial. He’s showing them how to cook Lobster Risotto so they can nail the dinner service that he’s promised no one in particular that they’ll complete.

Lobster sock? Oh Lobster Stock! I would have eaten it either way.

All throughout the night the alarms went off every 10 minutes accompanied by a tutorial. It made them cranky and on edge for their big dinner service. The girls got woken up early to serve their punishment which was to fix the boys breakfast in bed. This makes the guys even more cocky than previously stated. Especially Naples.

Is this last time I have hear you broke ass fake accent?

Maria needs some botox in her face so she expresses less. The guys are already getting sick of Readhead Scott bossing them around but it’s time….JP is opening the doors! This is it! “Capellini!” “Scallops!” “More yelling!”

Stacey is pretty confident in her scallops, until she forgets the salt and curry powder. Then doesn’t know where the curry powder is. Then over seasons them. Jamie tries to give a rousing pep talk but that won’t help cook undercooked scallops. Trust me! Berry tried encouraging a steak to be medium rare once, that ended in me getting my stomach pumped. Naples burned the capellini. Twice in row. Jason tells us in rap terms, “he’d be shot dead, for being a poser.” Just kidding, but he does say that Naples is “mental in the head.”

Oh yeah, now we have to see the customers, the shitty patrons who think they are so funny and knowledgeable about food. We all know they are just extras who get paid in the food they may or may not get. But since they’re extras they have a lot to say and they take themselves way too seriously. Yuck, I hope the customers lose this dinner service.

Old Fran crumbles. She can’t cook potatoes and then tells G-Ram that he scares her. She also doesn’t know the difference between crab and lobster. Not even after the video tutorial? Don’t you love the wine cellar testimonials on this show? It really gives you that “meet me in the closet for a bitchfest” feel. Old Fran really lets loose in her testimonials too. She is pissed.

Jamie’s entree is unsatisfactory and G-Ram makes everyone touch it to feel how much it sucks. Maria starts laughing like she’s delirious. Not a good move. Just for that she’s outta there. Maria, Old Fran and Jamie get kicked out of the kitchen. Jamie is so upset she sorta hits a punching bag thing. When they get up to the dorms Old Fran and Maria freak out together screaming and bitching and I CAN’T TAKE ITI!!

“Back in my day we used human bone to stir the slop.”

Meanwhile in the Blue Kitchen Scott strokes his own ego, and inadvertently sabotages Mohawk Mikey’s halibut.

“RAW RAW RAW! Like my throat!”

In the Red Kitchen, Autumn thinks the red team worked better without the 3 maniac losers. Back in Blue, Dorky Benjamin can’t cook risotto and Naples doesn’t know how to cook, period. He doesn’t know that the pan has to be hot before you put the food in it. Even we know that and we microwave everything. They are both kicked out! Then Stacey gets the boot because she says she’s “not sure” how long her food’s gonna take. Then Mohawk Mikey! The remaining contestants team up to complete dinner, because Gordon Ramsay PROMISED IT’D GET FINISHED! REMEMBER!? High stakes= mega drama.

Ed is taking charge and getting it done! Damn. Entrees are flying out of the kitchen, sweet. Last table and that lamb wellington looks tasty! Yum! I’m STARVING!! Berry! Throw a ham and cheese hot pocket in the microwave, pop a piece of parsley on it and get it over here quick!

Dinner service complete. Yum. Good work everyone. Everyone who didn’t suck that is. The losing team is…………………..the ladies. Now the ladies have to go back to their dorm and put two people up for elimination. Nilka wants to put up Maria because she- HOLY SHIT OLD FRAN IS CRAZY! She’s screaming in her testimonial, her eyes are bulging out of her head! They must have a steroid option before they close the wine cellar door.

Elimination Time

Autumn is happy to tell G-Ram that they’ve nominated Stacy and Old Fran. Do you think he’ll start making out with one or both of them? Phew, he didn’t. He asks Old Fran how many legs a lobster has. She looks really nervous because she obviously doesn’t know that they have………….10 legs, the first pair of a lobster’s ten legs are called the claws and are usually used for hunting and fighting, not movement. The other eight legs are used for walking. And no, I didn’t just cut and paste that from Wikipedia. Okay, I did.

Cue the Thriller music.

G-Ram asks Stacey why she should stay and she says she has no where to go but up and that she cares more than he can ever imagine. He says he needs someone with strength, with balls. Old Fran quickly jumps in to tell him that she’s got balls. With that…….. Stacey is out!! Damn! He must have been really curious about seeing Old Fran’s balls.

Jason is pleased that he beat the women, and he wants to keep beating them while they are down. He says that he wants to beat women one too many times in this testimonial. Autumn confesses that she isn’t afraid to be the bitch, great, can’t wait to see what Mean Girls antics she’ll get herself into.

Let me guess, you’re not here to “make friends.”

Final thought by G-Ram, “Good thing she’s a private chef because her cooking was too bad for the public.” Good God someone put that on a successory quick! Right under a picture of a risotto waterfall.

Thanks for reading and join Berry and I next week when this happens…………….

Quick come look the Virgin Mary is in my Reality TV!!