We (Fran and Berry) are very pleased to be sharing this fiery hot season of Hell’s Kitchen with you. Being an old married couple, Hell’s Kitchen is one of our favorite shows. We love to watch people fight worse than us!

Double double toil and trouble. Eye of newt and I’ll scream at you until your skin falls off.

Let’s get into it! We see a montage of the upcoming season. There’s an alternative girl named Siobhan?!? Maybe they cast this before American Idol came out or maybe Rupert Murdoch has a hard on for young freaky irish-american chicks. The voice over tells us, “this is the season you’ve been waiting for.” Damn straight. Because it’s the fiercest! The wildest! The sexiest! The sexiest? Really? I guess two hot chicks on a cooking show is pretty good odds.

Hell’s Kitchen or For the Love of Ramsay?

The hopefuls/contestants are ready to enter Chef Ramsay’s domain. They pull up in Hell’s Kitchen SUV’s like a secret service army of douchey haircuts. It’s true. They all have distinct bizarre haircuts. Maybe that’s the one thing chefs can do to feel like they are “expressing themselves.” Wait, that should be in their food! They all march up the steps and are all REALLY OVERLY CONFIDENT and it’s obnoxious. Inside Hell’s Kitchen (the restaurant) there are tons of extras pretending to be reporters and paparazzi for a “press conference.” All the newbies are into it until Gordon announces that he is personally guaranteeing that the first dinner service of the season will be complete. Meaning that everyone who is stupid enough to eat there will get their food before Gordon Ramsay screams “SHUT IT DOWN YOU DONKEY *****!!!” This dramatic proclamation takes us straight into the theme song….

Practicing for their Westside Story dance battle against Top Chef.

Back from commercial and they are already cooking their signature dishes. This season is wasting NO time at all. Stacey brags that it’s obvious that she’ll win because she’s a celebrity chef for Nathan Lane and Martin Short, so she’s used to things that are flaming. Holli (the sexy one) boasts that she can work just as hard anyone else there, and she’ll look good doing it. The camera scopes out her sexy ankle boots and then she immediately falls on the ground. She later said that she’d fall just as hard as anyone, but look like a trampy dumbass while she’s doing it.

Time is up and Gordon starts with the person with the least experience who is a total Tina Fey look-a-like. He thinks her dish looks like baby barf but he loves it. He loves it so much he hugs her. Maria, this season’s resident exuberant maniac flips out because, “he doesn’t just hug people!”

“I sat on the boxed wine straw!”

He loves it so much he kisses her, whoa! Wait! Then he full on makes out with her! Damn, so far the intro was right, it is the sexiest season so far! The are still making out!

“My safe word is: Fish Station.”