Hell’s Kitchen: Trevor, Plain and Tall

After FailWhaleGail was sent packing, four chefs remain, Nona, Jillian, Russell and Trev, to compete for the job at LA Market on Hell’s Kitchen. The contestants are coming off a streak of terrible services longer than the line to get into Harry Potter World. So will the final four show Ramsay he’s made the right decision? Will they contribute anything to the restaurant other than health code violations and dandruff ? *cough*cough*cough* Trev*cough*… No! But let’s try to get through this together anyway? Okay?

It’s all you’re going to be able to look at now. You’ll see….

Well, Trev has slid past by margin thinner than his hair and he’s happy to make it another episode. He won’t win this show, but maybe he’ll win a year’s supply of Head and Shoulders. With love from your friends at TVgasm.

Neither did we Stretch, neither did we.

Jillian is also sweating off her tattooed brows about getting a position in the remaining four. All the contestants arrive back in the dorms and Pointdexter and NoNeck head for the porch for a ciggy while Blondula remains on the couch with BettyBrows at his side, who is shivering like and leaf and seeking solace in a cup of tea.

And by tea, I mean Natty Ice in a mug.

Blondula says, “Did you think coming in on the first dinner service that it would be us four?“

Jillian says that she didn’t think Trev would make it this far and Blondula agrees, Trev sucks. They obviously feel Trev is their Gilligan — if he hasn’t set sail with them, they all would be rolling in $100 bills and drinking margaritas on the sands of St. Lucia, instead they’re stuck trying to fight their way out of the kitchen with the help of a maniacal Skipper.

As soon as Jillian leaves the room Blondula’s voice kicks in to say that Jillian sucks more than Nona. So in case you have been paying attention this is the list of suck according to Russell:

1. Trev
2. Jillian
3. Nona
4. Daylight and hemoglobin free-desserts
   

The next day Ramsay calls them down to the kitchen  for a challenge. He pairs Nona with Russell, and Jillian with Trev and just asks them to produce something edible. One dish from each team will suffice.

Make cereal if you want, just don’t poison me.

So as the four contestants search their brains for some recipe to make in the next 30 minutes that would constitute a suitable dish, Ramsay slides over to the red kitchen to prepare a dish of his own.

Eye of newt… that should complete my non-idiocy potion.

The two teams finish their dishes and so does Ramsay. He asks for Trev and Jillian’s offering first, but shushes Trev when he opens his mouth to describe the dish.

Ramsay tastes the dish and is able to tell them with 100% accuracy that they have prepared lamb cutlets, seasoned with cinnamon and garnished with pear and red peppers… he slides over and tastes Russell and Nona’s dish, rib eye, garnished with a lemon marscapone. Bing!

Nona thinks that Ramsay is a super taster! He has superpowers! The Supertaster can only be defeated by sexting scandals and open letters…  and his only arch nemesis are his in-laws who try to destroy his super-powered taste buds with bankrupcy documents and mistresses turned “Infidelity Analysts”.

Ramsay reveals that this was not the challenge, simply a demonstartion of his superiority, because he has prepared a dish of his own they he expects them to taste and reproduce in the next 45 minutes. Starting Now!

3 seconds in and they have identified the correct utensil, so good start.

So all the contestants huddle  around the plate licking their fingers like they’re hitting the bottom of a communal Fun Dip.

> Risotto

They all have a good idea of what it is, Jillian is certain it’s pork and Russell is certain it’s veal. Nona grabs the veal, so Trev pulls the veal. Nona then decides to mess with Trev and pulls the pork too, and now Trev is screwed.

Maybe it’s turducken…

Cooking begins and it seems like there are four components to the dish — the filet, the sauce, the vegetable puree and the salad in the center. Ramsay reminds the contestants to have some options up their sleeve so Trev makes two of everything, pork and veal, carrot and yam puree. If they’re allowed to present 16 different options, Trev has a shot at this.

Russell returns to the dish and he’s unsure of the orange vegetable puree on the plate, he has ruled out a Top Chef, season 2′s Cheeto puree, so it’s either squash, yam or carrot. He can’t decide, but what he can taste is the star anise.  (So, star anise sounds like the name of a Vietnamese pop-sensation that’s certain for a guest spot on Glee next season, but in fact it a spice.) He knows it’s there. So does Nona.

Everyone has selected cabbage and celery root as the main garish, but while her three competitors  mix bacon into the cabbage garnish, Nona returns to the inspiration plate to taste it again. Based on the texture, she decides that pancetta is in the mix, not bacon. Mmmm bacon.

All the chefs base their sauce with chicken stock, but Trev is the only one that adds wine.

As Ramsay starts the countdown, Trev is still at his station nibbling his rat-like nibble on both the pork and the veal — he can’t decide which protein is the main component. He’s so focused on the protein, that when he selects the pork and decides to plate up, he leaves the carrot puree sitting on the food processor.

The plates are assembled and time is called, it’s time for The Supertaster to use his powers to protect the people of Hell-tropolis from salmonella and other bacterial infections.

The plates are ready to be presented to Ramsay when Trev realizes he has forgotten the carrot puree.

…your life.

Jillian presents first, Ramsay tastes all the components of the dish and sighs and says “mmm”, but doesn’t offer any feedback. Jillian has prepared pork with a yam puree, cabbage and bacon garnish and a chicken stock based sauce. Ramsay tastes Nona’s dish and just says it’s nice — Russ’s dish, also nice.

Anyone else think this plate is reminescent of the shrimp cocktail scene in Beetlejuice?

Trev’s dish is missing the puree. Ramsay wants to know where the puree is. Trev says he’s still behind him in the processor and Ramsay tastes it and knows that it’s correct, it’s carrot puree. Trev would have been the only one to get that component right.

And the first contestant to provide Ramsay with a handheld spittoon for post-sampling.

Jillian and Trev both used pork and that’s wrong, so it’s between Nona and Russell for the win.

Nona has the veal, the (incorrect) yam puree with star anise and the correct sauce, cabbage with pancetta. Russell is the same as Nona, only with bacon in the cabbage garnish.

Mmmm… bacon. But incorrect.

Commercial break and it’s Nona that has won the challenge. She’s won a day at the spa and she can take one person with her. Despite pleas from Jillie…

Who could refuse this face?

Nona “strategically” chooses Russ.

Concur Jillie.

Nona and Russell prance upstairs to prepare for their day out and Trev and Jillian receive the news that they’ll be conducting laundry day in Hell’s Kitchen before they have to prep the kitchen. They are not pleased. They have to wash and press Ramsay’s superhero costume, but not too much starch that makes him grumpy.

Trev is charge of The Supertaster’s super skidmarks.

As a day of beauty is wasted on Blondula’s freckled ass, Jillie and Trevie are manning the ironing boards  and scheming. Trevor believes that they have struck an accord –  no matter what, they’re going to throw Russell and Nona into elimination. They seal their deal with a high five and a (sic) “Boo-ya KA sha”.

Nona is thrilled to have the time in the spa, she is even tolerant when Russell begins to hit on the esthetician. She’s so confident that she’s made the right strategic move. Russell is such a loyal guy that his allegiance is secured.

Nona really wanted to take Jillian, since she’s been depressed, and she’s her friend, and it would be fun to watch the estheticians try to work with her tattooed eyebrows. But she thinks choosing Russell will mean he won’t be gunning for her.

I don’t understand the logic, it’s like sending a gift basket to your co-worker instead of sealing a huge quarter-end deal. Well, at least they’ll have something to munch on while they take your promotion. For all your “not hear to make friends” nonsense– you reality show jerks are always out to make friends. Admit it.

The two return to the kitchen to find jilted Jillian is in a justifiably bad mood. Russell is annoyed that Jillian isn’t just angry with herself for losing the challenge.

Blondula seems to have worse short term memory lost that most Hell-inhabitants, isn’t he the one who has a 6-richter scale shit fit over having to sweep the parking lot with nothing in his stomach but a cheese sandwich and self loathing? Grow up dude. Or at least grow some pigment in your eyebrows. *shiver*

Ramsay enters the dining room, it’s time for service and he is half-convincing, when he tells these four they can pull off service. But before they open the doors, Ramsay wants a minute with Jillian.

Jillian says that she “knows at any minute Chef can tap you on the shoulder and say ‘go home’.” Or just spit back the risotto in your face… so she’s very nervous as she follows him to his office overlooking the dining room.

In his distinguished office full of many leather-bound books and smells of rich mahogany…

80% of the time, I’m right everytime.

Ramsay tells Jillian that when she arrived in HK, he thought she was uncertain of herself and a bit of an underdog. But she worked really hard and she proved him wrong. She admits that she’s very hard on herself, so Ramsay tells her she’s good and she needs to find the confidence to fight back. Jillie is aglow like the flames of Hell when she’s dismissed, she’s stationed at garnish for tonight’s service…

First tickets are up and all the cheftestants count on their fingers and toes to keep track of the orders that pour in. First lobster spaghetti from Nona: good. Scallops garnish from Jillian: good. Russell says that he has to stay “calm cool and collective” and brings up a good plate of scallops.

And just as they’re about to release the balloons, Nona bring up a batch of risotto so peppery, Elvis would have turned it away. (Elvis liked pepper… ah, that would have gone over huge at Graceland.)

Ramsay calls all the chef forward to sample the peppery risotto NoNeck tried to pass off.

It is not well received.

As quickly as Russell is ready to discount Nona’s abilities, he produces raw scallops.

That is more like the cast we know and … tolerate.

Trev gloats that Russell isn’t “all that and a side of chips.” All raw fish, but no chips.

But the brigade rebounds and they start to produce edible dinners, until the tickets start rolling in for Trev at the meat station. Trev doesn’t screw up — he cooks the meat properly, but they starts to freak out when it’s time to serve.

Ramsay actually heads to the station and starts instructing Trev. Trev stands over Ramsay’s shoulder and says, “I would like to see your delicate touch again.” And Ramsay slices another beef wellington for Trev! Astounding.

As Trev starts to throw around the ribeye, Ramsay tells him to take a 30-second time out. Trev has to go and stand outside the door for 30 seconds while Ramsay mans the meat station.

Not surprisingly, entrees continue to go out, because Ramsay’s cooking the meat.

Trev gets back to his station only to miscount the number of meat on order and gets kicked out a second time.

When he gets back, he gets this look from Ramsay…

Limo to Fox studios: $100 dollars. New cocktail dress: $200.

Witnessing Gordon Ramsay’s disgust up close: Priceless.

Russell has one strike against him tonight, and now undercooked halibut is brought to the pass. This is when Trev decides there is a leadership void that he can fill. Ten minutes ago he was too timid to cut a Wellington and now he’s leading the brigade, or at least talking like he is.

Jillian has rebounded and has done well tonight, but her glory is deflated because Trev “The Leader” is trying to be a step ahead. He’s so far ahead he’s giving Russell bogus information, which Ramsay catches on to. And exposes Trev for giving Russ the wrong info.

Russell is livid and tell Trev that he’s going to shove his size 12 up his ass. Trev tries to defend himself, but only gets out a “don’t just say I knew it” …  in his own defense.

Don’t talk to me like you know me.

As the bickering dies down, there’s time for Nona to throw out one more terrible risotto. It’s underdressed and burnt. Ramsay threatens to toss NoNeck out on her generous ass before she can say “It was strategic,” — but the threats do not come to fruition, as she is able to finish service to the last table with her next attempt.

Ramsay tells the contestants to jump on desserts, when Blondula see the opportunity to talk to his fellow contestants… “Who you voting for tonight Trev?”  Russell asks while tending to his mousse.

Trev plays coy, but is secretly confident that he and Jillian have a plan in place. So when Ramsay tells them the service was good, but they still need to pick two people for elimination, Trev is shocked that Jillian chooses Trev and Russell. Nona agrees.

Russell feeling threatened, so he lashes out at Trev, “If you talk to me the way you talked to me before about the salmon, I would slap the shit out of you!” Russell blurts out and storms away…

Trev’s retort?

*crickets*

At elimination Trev tells Ramsay that they’ve selected him and Russell. Ramsay calls them forward and gets in his criticism, with Russell he’s concerned that his “arrogance outshines his talent.” Trev trips over himself and lacks focus. Ramsay pulls a double fake out — “Trev, get back in line.” Shock across the board. “Russell… say hello to your girlfriend and your mom and dad!”

Ramsay isn’t going to eliminate anyone, and he’s going to give them family time. They had a good service, he’ll just boot two of them next week.

What do you think of this week’s non-elimination? Is there a reason to keep Trev around for another week? Is he just that fun to have around? Would you be able to cook standing next to a flake factory like that? Blech.