Hells Kitchen: Two More Hours?! Good God, send ME home!!

Another “special” two hours of Hells Kitchen. Although since this is the 4th week of the show and two of the four weeks have been two hours. This is normal. They should just call the one hour episodes a “Less Then Average Episode.”

On Direct TV this show is listed as “iffy for 14+” thanks for the warning. Now I know if I don’t understand what’s going on I should ask my 10 year old brother to translate.

So last week instead of eliminating anyone Autumn and Redheaded Scott switched places. Autumn ran straight into the boys’ arms and AWAY from Old Fran who was really upset that she didn’t get a goodbye kiss. Redheaded Scott is ready to lay down some hardcore advice to the ladies.

Okay ready for Hell’s Kitchen Mad-Libs!?!

Give me a verb!

You said, “Kentucky Fry.”

Kentucky fry those bitches.

The next morning they have to rise and shine at 7:15am to put on butcher outfits and meet Gordon Ramsay outside. He’s just doing what he does every morning: sharpening his knives standing in a piglet pen. Thank God that Andrew guy quit already this whole display would have made him way too randy! They couldn’t really be killing the pigs could they!? G-Ram asks if they’d ever butchered a pig before and they say, “n-n-n-no….” and he says well ya bleeding dummies you’re not going to be doing it today either! OMG thank goodness, I thought slaughtering baby pigs was too far even for Fox.

So You Think You Can Be Delicious?

Instead of murdering baby pigs the contestants will be trying to catch them. The pigs are wearing collars with ingredients printed on them. I guess the idea is to chase down and tackle your best ingredient. Ah let’s be honest, the idea is to get these jerks rolling around in the mud. And that’s exactly what they do, one at a time. Gordon Ramsay thinks this is really really funny.

“That pig is my wife in disguise!”

Right off the bat the Red team got blood sausage and prunes. Gross. The ladies don’t have good luck with this kind of thing. Or anything for that matter. I want to hug one of those piglets so bad!! Berry, can we get a pet piglet?! PLEASE!!

Once everyone has caught an ingredient they quickly discuss what they are going to cook. Prunes and blood sausage is going to be on the menu. That concoction would have Berry shitting his balls out. Or is it barfing his balls out? Either way.

In the kitchen Readheaded Scott is “holding back” to see how the Red team works. Which means he’s “supervising” everyone else’s work. Which means he’s trying to “mentor” everyone. Which means he’s being a total a-hole and can he please get kicked off now!?!

In the blue kitchen Jason and Autumn are teamed up and he is calling her “baby girl.” She is not into it, and she’s even less into him ignoring all of her fabulous ideas about adding mustard to their dish.

Fran and Nilka didn’t prick the blood sausage before they cooked it and it exploded like the piece of nasty shit that it is. Seriously that looked nasty. Nothing that looks that close to poop should be in the kitchen. Even Hell’s Kitchen.

Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. And promptly vomited it up.

Time is up and they must present their dishes.

Nilka/Fran vs. BenjaDork/Ed

G-Ram wasted no time and spits out the blood sausage. BenjaDork says his own pork looks so good he’d make love to it right there. He’s gonna pork his pork!! G-Ram wants to pork his pork too cuz the Blue team wins a point.

Jason/Autumn vs. Sexi Holli/Siobhan

Red team wins because he wishes the blue team had put mustard in their dish. Burn Jason, I guess baby doll knows her stuff.

I has a flavr.

Jay/Naples vs. Maria/Scott

Maria talks like a ton. She just goes on and on and on. She ends up losing because she didn’t use the hamhock as the main ingredient she used it as a garnish on her potato soup.

The girls+Scott lose and for their punishment they have to clean the piglets!! That does not sound like a punishment to me, I would like to get in there and scrub a piglet! They are so cute! The boys (and Autumn) get to go to a spa and get treated and bathed and painted with seaweed. Jay is worried that he’ll come across as gay for taking a shower with the other guys, even though he’s in a separate stall and they’re all wearing their swim trunks. I think if you don’t want people to think you’re gay you should stop reminding everyone of how “not gay” you are. And you should definitely NOT dye your hair blue, especially if you are over 40.

Separated at birth.

The next thing Jay does to prove he’s not gay is to pretend to be super turned on by Autumn in her yellow bikini. All the guys ogle her as she slaps mud on her smooth silky beautiful skin. It gets a little pornographic.

Later that night both teams are back at home and they’re all hanging out. Old Fran sets it up that Naples can get a lot of info out of people. Which is true because he gets Sexi Holli to talk about how she’s super into porn and that she’s got some homemade porn. Jay is vocal about how he likes to hear about girl and guy style sex. Siobhan wants to spill her beans too and she confesses to being a stripper dominatrix. I see her more as a dominatrash.

The next day we find out that the dinner service will be the first time that Hell’s Kitchen is going Barbeque! Everyone gets excited about it. Ohhh BBQ! Hot damn start the slatherin’ cuz the BBQ is upon us!

It’s like 2pm or something and Nilka is already frying chicken. I mean what the hell’s kitchen was she thinking? The dining room isn’t even open. “They don’t even do that in fast food sh*%holes” Another announcement, they are over booked so they are doing 2 seatings. First the Red Team is cooking while the Blue Team serves, then they switch! Naples jumps right into flirting with the tables.

All aboard the mental institute express! Next stop: a mental institute!

Maria is trying to pass off raw crab. At least she knew it was crab. Naples turns in a ticket and G-Ram can’t read it. It comes out that he can’t write because he didn’t go to school. He came to this country to take care of his family because he heard there were no cats in America and the streets were made of cheese. If only he could find his sister mouse, but he knows she’s somewhere out there……

The Red Team struggles but thanks to Old Fran they start getting food out. On the floor Autumn is begging customers to send their food back. The voiceover guy calls Chef Ramsay chef Reamsy. Cuz he reams everyone out.

Redheaded Scott gets in trouble for cooking with the oven door open. G-Ram says we are now the most dangerous kitchen in the country……which means he’s never been to “Wet and Shocking.” You know, the place Siobhan used to work at.

In the last moments the Siobhan tries to sneak by raw hamburgers and G-Ram smashes them. He must get off from smashing food whack-a-mole style.

Were you going to finish smashing that?

At 7:00pm the first seating is closed and it’s the Blue Team’s turn. Nilka cannot figure out the waitress stuff. The tickets are coming in slowly but Jay is getting his appetizers out quickly. Naples can’t cook corn. He can’t communicate because “there is too many voices.” Maria is flirting with Redheaded Scott so she forgets to give G-Ram the ticket. He says she is so weird, he’s not even angry, he’s just confused by her. Sexi Holli says Maris is losing it.

“Doggy style…Wait- what was the question!?”

Autumn’s ribs are stone **$%#^ cold steve austin. G-Ram can tell just from touching it with his amazing finger thermometer. Maria messed up again. She wrote down dates but they wanted shrimp. The Blue Team is moving quickly but not carefully. Jason dropped the chicken in the fry basket. Hell’s Kitchen is a fine dining place you can’t get away with that **#$# there!

G-Ram has to put Jason in his place. Jason is mumbling swears under his breath that hurt BenjaDork’s ears. They are about to put the food out and Jason says 3 more minutes and everyone is super put out.

Worst service so far. Basic barbeque was supposed to be easy. The worst team was………….Red. Of course. Old Fran did the best so she has to put two people up. Siobhan puts herself in the spotlight to remind everyone that she undercooked the burgers. Redhead Scott follows Old Fran into the bathroom to convince her NOT to put him up because of some weird twisted logic about if he and Maria are both put up they might both get eliminated? Weird.

“Tell me I’m a MILF and I’ll do anything you want!”

Old Fran falls for it and puts up Maria and Nilka. Nilka is pissed because she didn’t know she was in the running. G-Ram brings Scott down and sends Nilka back in the line and tells her to stand close to Old Fran.

When asked why she should stay Maria is all over the place. Then Scott goes on and on about how he can prep a kitchen and mentor all the dishwashers. G-Ram’s decision is……….that he kicks out Maria. And tells her to *^#$ off. Then G-Ram tells Old Fran to follow her instincts. Nilka hopes Old Fran feels like a jackass, so do we. The Red Team is in shambles. G-Ram says Maria was in over her head and is from Nantucket and says some limerick about her life in Hell’s Kitchen being dead and how she’s stuck in Kitchen Purgatory, G-Ram’s next show about insane mediocre chefs who will never get better mentally or at cooking.

“How about a goodbye kiss? Hell no? Okay.”

Oh my Gosh thought it was over? Not a chance. 2 episodes again this week!

Let’s roll on into episode 6!

Nilka is pissed and let’s Old Fran have it for not telling her that she was going to be up for elimination. “And I mean it from the bottom of my ass!” Old Fran tries to apologize but Nilka does not want to hear it. She just wants to smoke cigarettes quietly in peace.

Waiting to exhale.

The next morning the contestants are asked to name the five classic mother sauces. Uh…..is breast milk on of them? No, Berry and I were stumped. The correct answer is: hollandaise, tomato, bechamel, veloute, and demi-glace. Wow, everyone knew them no problem! Well at least they know something.

Each team must create 5 dishes (one dish per person) using one of the 5 mother sauces as it’s base. They have to use 20 ingredients without repeating them.

Nilka hits the ingredients and takes all the best ones first. She does what she wants because she is burned from the chopping block incident. The rest of the red team is struggling divvying out ingredients. There is a lot of tension, Old Fran is starting to get hysterical again.

In the Blue Kitchen Autumn is fitting in really nicely. She feels special and warm and gushy by the man camaraderie. How cute.

Results!

Guest judges are G-Ram’s mother and his wife. BOOM! His wife AGAIN! She is totally keeping him on a tight leash this season. He tries to justify their presence by saying that they are mothers and it’s mother sauce week. Clever but we can see through it. She has reason to be upset this season is the sexiest so far. Plus Autumn, Sexi Holli, Dominatrash, and Old Fran the self proclaimed MILF are still in the game.

I don’t know how they do it in England, but that under the table stuff is inappropriate here.

Old Fran makes like a tomato linguine oyster thing that looks AMAZING! Naples’ noodle dish looks less appetizing. And the pasta is undercooked. How does this kid pass off that he’s from Italy!? LOL. The Red Team wins.

Siobhan and Jay go head to dread with their hollandaise dish. Siobhan presented it as cornish hen, the only problem? It’s not cornish hen, it’s pigeon. A bloody pigeon! Not bloody in the English way, bloody in the totally undercooked so it pours blood when you stick a fork in it. Jay’s was pink and bland so no one got a point.

Sexi Holli doesn’t know what a sea bass is, she calls it halibut. Ed wins over her.

Jason and Nilka head off. She has a steak and demi-gloss. Mum Ram says it’s first class. Mum Ram says Jason’s was quite tasty. Nilka wins. Jason talks himself into being upset.

Got Fork?

Redheaded Scott vs. BenjaDork Scott sucks it. Sexi Holli hates Scott. She says he’s the worst thing that’s happened to the red team. Ouch. Cuz a lot of bad sh*t has happened to the red team.

At the end it’s a tie, to settle it G-Ram says that one dish should be highlighted and noted and that dish was Jason’s. G-Ram says that if Jason had been up against anyone else he’d have won so he gets a point and the blue team wins.

Jason charms us in the way only he can, “Not to be arrogant and cocky but we cannot lose!”

The Reds have to clean the hell out of both kitchens and the Blues get to go have beer at Ye Olde King’s Head, a British pub in Santa Monica and drink and hang with the owner and talk about G-Ram’s futbolin’ days. The GM of the pub challenges them to a game of darts and guess who wins? Autumn! She got a bull’s eye and won a set of Demeyere Cookware pots and pans. Actually they all won a set! “A chef’s dream!!” (as opposed to a Kitchen Nightmare?)

“I want to taste your mother sauce.”

The reds are in mad scientist costumes scrubbing the ovens. Siobhan is freaking out because apparently she is allergic to cleaning products, how did this just come up for the first time? These ladies have been cleaning everyday an account of losing everything always. She’s also allergic to dyes and perfumes and apple juice and kryptonite and everything.

How can you be allergic to all of that stuff if you were a sado-masochist? Oh, because she’s into torture by rash. Siobhan starts to put on a second pair of gloves and then she began to “get pale” and break out in hives. She goes off to the medic.

“OH MY GOD IT’S HORRIFIC!! Oh, wait, never mind that’s how it normally looks.”

The medic cut her suit off of her and told her to stay away from the cleaning products. The rest of the ladies keep scrubbing while Siobhan takes a smoke break. Smoking will kill that outbreak. Now the red team has to prep the kitchens for service. The men+baby girl return with their gift bags, they strut through the kitchen like roosters.

BenjaDork calls the Red Team a bunch of losers and he smells blood and he wants to kill it. Yuck, when did Benjadork turn into that serial killer guy. OMG! What if they were the same person all along! It makes perfect sense! We never saw them in the same testimonial together at the same time!

G-Ram announces that it’s family night and says that children will be present so don’t make him “f#%$^$ swear tonight!” They have to have children customers because the food is “iffy for 14+”. All the kids are a Rich E. Rich a**holes! “I want lobster!” What child screams “I want lobster?” Does Lobsterfest at Red Lobster come with a Hot Wheels?

“I want to be a muggle when I grow up.”

Siobhan screws up right away because she didn’t know that she was supposed to cook the pasta. BTW G-Ram is swearing more than normal already. You know the Red Team is doing bad when they start making mistakes that even Berry knows not to make, like don’t put the pasta in the water until the water is boiling, and don’t double dip your hives in the mother sauce.

“Since when I am supposed to do stuff?”

Naples is starting to mess up the risotto. He adds new rice to the almost done rice and lied about it and BOOM just like that, he lost G-Ram’s trust! Burn, G-Ram is not speaking to Naples until he pinky swears he’ll never do that again!

By the way has everyone heard of that show Master Chef? Wow, looks good right!?! Looks pretty advertisable.

Naples has to start his risotto all over. Now it’s Nilka’s turn to mess up the risotto. She forgot to put lobster in.

Out in the dining room JP has a moment with a young artist. It must be in JP’s contract that he can’t be the bumbling fool this season.

“If I don’t keep in the lines he calls me a *%$% licker.”

G-Ram gets pissed, goes on a swearfest and says “so much for not swearing!” Jason is making G-Ram look stupid because when he gets stressed out he can’t communicate. Redheaded Scott’s wellington isn’t ready and he tries to get out of being yelled at by saying that his team mates gave him the wrong instructions. He says that his team mates are untalented and poor people.

Scott can’t control of his meat station, that’s why he has to introduce himself to his neighbors whenever he moves.

BenjaDork has stepped up into the “leader position” on the blue side. And it’s okay because he’s not pissing anyone off yet.

On the red side G-Ram makes them all touch the meat and kicks out all the entire red team. Baby Drew Carey thinks it’s hilarious!

“I think I got stood up by baby Greg Proops.”

G-Ram, Sous Chef Scott and Andy hop in there and get sh*t done! The Red Team goes back and smokes and complains about how Scott messed everything up. Man, if we were eating dinner there and a whole team got kicked out and our food was going to get cooked by the real chefs I’d be stoked!

After dinner is over the red team comes down to clean. Again. G-Ram tells the red team to nominate 2 people to face the Ram. Then he squeals, “Leave me alone!” Bahumbug! Season 7 is taking it’s toll on all of our souls.

“You there! Boy! What day is it!? Senseless verbal torture day!? Then I haven’t missed it!”

Upstairs in the smoking lounge, Redheaded Scott has a lot to say about how everyone should go home except for him. Then the rest of the team has to hear his defense for like………..EVER!!

Back at the chopping block Old Fran has to tell G-Ram that the nominees are Scott and herself. The Red Team starts to cave in on each other. Old Fran, Scott, and Siobhan are asked to step forward. Redheaded Scott tries his damndest not to get the boot but it didn’t work. He’s OUTTA THERE!!!! And the crowd goes wild!

“I will haunt your dreams……or at least your new show Master Chef.”

Since BenjaDork has proved to be leader-y he gets thrown onto the Red Team. Jay is overly excited that Benjadork is gone so that he (Jay) can rise to the top of the men and be the king! We are really starting to be bothered by Jay and his lame ass blue hair.

Next week: “all hell breaks loose.” No joke! Also Jay’s stepping up to the plate backfires because he shives himself! Oh man it looks SO GRUESOME!! We can’t wait.

Missing Finger Tip. Last seen near my Wendy’s chili.