Hell’s Kitchen: The @%*%#*#*$ or the Egg?

Hello my name is Berry, and I’m a Hell’s Kitchen-oholic. This is my wife Fran.

“The team with the most properly cooked eggs wins a helicopter tour of Los Angeles.” (Or at least that’s what our DirectTV show description reads.) But can you imagine what would happen if you read that sentence to someone from the 1800′s!? Their head would explode! They’d be like, “why is a team cooking eggs? And how do you improperly?-….wait! Helicopter!? What the-? Los Angel-” BOOM! SPLAT! (That was the sound of their head exploding.) But let’s be serious, head explosions were a serious problem back then, worse than influenza.

Moving on to Hell’s Kitchen Season 7, Episode 2! So we remember that last week Stacey was eliminated. Don’t remember who Stacey is? Exactly why she was eliminated. That’s what the first 2 or 3 episodes of any good reality show are, weeding out the borings. This week we start where we left off. They are going up to the dorms to decompress after elimination. Autumn is telling them like it is, “if you need help, let me help you” and

Siobhan may be be the female version of last year’s winner, Dave. Or maybe it’s just that they are both white trash.

Back at the mens dorm, Andrew is fa-reaky. He said that the food they are serving is really not that good. Jason, who looks exactly like Sir-Mix-A-Lot or maybe a fat Ice-T bashes on Mohawk Mikey a little. The boys are all “we are a team right now.” Sure, now more throwing each other under the bus!

Finally everyone goes to sleep and we see the night cam of them in bed and Jay sleeps weird! His leg is crossed over himself. He’s like a sleep contortionist. Don’t wake him suddenly or he’ll jump up and yank himself tight like a knot and never be able to get out of it.

AHH!!! The creepy guy left a leg in my bed!! Oh wait, I’m just a super awkward sleeper!

Enter Sous Chefs being sneaky with an alarm clock and speakers. WAKE UP!

This new J. Bieber song is my JAM!

The only way this show works if you are all on two hours sleep at all times so you are constantly on the edge of having a breakdown! They have to get they pj-ed asses downstairs!

“You woke me up from my Kitchen Nightmare.”

This morning we’re going back to basics. Working in pairs. Pairs have to prepare 4 different egg dishes. Sunnyside up, poached, scrambled, and soft boiled. Red head Scott says, “I’m self described as being a bad ass in the kitchen.” Well, we are self described as not giving a shit.

Chef G-Ram sends them on their way and since there is an uneven amount of ladies, Siobhan must work on her own. Autumn steps in and helps Siobhan. Aww, that was nice. Or was it? Spoiler alert, no, it wasn’t.

“I colored my Easter egg white!”

Scott micromanages Mohawk’s scrambling: stir it more, keep them moving, put them back on the heat, where’s your parsley, do you want toast or english muffin? Rye, wheat, white or sourdough? Butter or jelly? TIME’S UP!!

Chef Gordon goes through them all and after watching this show long enough we can always tell if he’s doing a Seacrest fake-out. Maria, “WHO COOKED THIS?!…Because it’s perfect, well done.” Maria must not have known though, because she gets way too excited about Gordo liking her eggs.

Guess how many bottles of wine I drank!!!!!?

Naples’ eggs were gunky and stuck to the plate. And to prove it Chef turns the plate upside down, but I think he’s holding them up there with his thumb. Still it’s impressive, in his spare time Chef Ramsay is an egg magician. Siobhan gets bitched out because he told her to do it on her own and Autumn helped. Of course, if she did try to do it alone and didn’t finish, her team would be bitched out for not helping. But that’s the show. This debacle pretty much solidifies Autumn as the bitch of the show, even though she was kind of trying to help. For those of you who watch Celebrity Apprentice, Autumn is getting pretty Holly Robinson Peete-y.

So, after lots of sawing the tops of eggs and tasting them with a ridiculously long handled spoon the guys wins. The dudes take a helicopter ride and the girls girls get to mess with tuna.

Chef Ramsay pulling a “Commandant Lassard speech” from Police Academy.

The guys enjoy the ride and for some reason Ramsay is impressed by the coastline of Los Angeles. I call BS! You don’t have to talk the whole time Ramsay, if you don’t have anything real to say in a helicopter it’s okay to just look out the window. They land and meet up with JP somewhere in LA and have a ritzy lunch. G-Ram says when they are outside of the kitchen they may call him: Gordon. Damn, I was hoping he’d say Pinksie Cheeks.

“Hells Kitchen The Movie!” Directed by Michael Bay

“I got this hat from a lady I murdered!”

Meanwhile the girls are trying to carry in one giant tuna. They slice it open and there is a huge issue about how it was done completely wrong and how someone (being Autumn) ruined the tuna, that never comes up again.

Yup, it’s a girl!

And we’re back for dinner service! JP, who hasn’t had one funny bit yet this season is forced against his own will to open up the kitchen.

Uh oh Old Fran and Redheaded Scott are serving Tuna Tartare tableside. Great, the most aggressive on each team is out on the floor.

Immediately G-Ram gets all up in everyone’s grill. “I’m running a kitchen not a kindergarden GET OUT!!” Naples has to leave because he doesn’t know the dessert menu. Even the Italian desserts. What a stooge.

Autumn says the girls are VERY determined to win but their water tastes like shit. Oh man Autumn is the one who salted the water! Maria lays it out in the wine cellar, “you did it!” They show the dramatic reenactment of Autumn salting the water and she really does drop in half a box. Then she tries to say that she did salt it, but added the right amount and someone else must have re-salted it. We do not cut to a dramatic reenactment of that. Because she’s lying. And the new water isn’t boiling yet!!!! What a travesty!!!

Mohawk Mikey was confident about his risotto for all of 3 seconds until G-Ram tastes it. Then he has the guts to say that Chef Ramsay just has a different way of doing things. Well, it is the Gordon Ramsay TV show you’re on, not Mohawk Mikey’s public access show, Now We’re Cooking! That got cancelled. Fast.

Redheaded Scott is sucking up to the customers in the dining room while Autumn just continues to run around adding salt to everything. Nilka screams at Siobhan and Autumn to get the shit out. We are in classic Hells Kitchen mode people.

AKA…..”I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I want to be on TV!!”

Old Fran cannot figure out the map of the tables. She is so old. If it’s not carved into a tree or on a cave wall she can’t understand it. JP sets her straight, which is kind of amazing that JP can do anything straight.

Andrew the serial killer is about to murder and Mohawk Mikey’s risotto got sent back. Apparently it took him 45 minutes to get the appetizer. A new Hells Kitchen record in sucking!

Gordon says, “The rice is bullets.” WAIT, FRAN! No he didn’t. Oh, sweet, American Fran. He said it’s, bullocks! Which is British for a swear word. Someday we’ll leave the couch honey, someday.

Gordon Ramsay keeps yelling, “I’m pissed off” which is just so redundant at this point.

Napes comes back and has to recall the deserts. He says Berry Pudding and G-Ram is dumbfounded and who can blame him?! Berry Pudding?! What kind of an asshole thinks Berry Pudding is one of the deserts!!!!! Man, this guy should be drowned. In mud! I mean, Berry Pudding?? What a worthless piece of shit! It’s Panna Cotta GEEZE!

We cut to commercial, which is for a new G-Ram show! Gordon Ramsay has another show coming out in July called Master Chef. Wait a minute!!! You can’t advertise that on Hell’s Kitchen!! That’s like telling your wife that your girlfriend is going to stay with you for a while. Apparently the show is about amateur cooks instead of trained chefs. Uh-oh, that will surely be the downfall of the cooking show industry. Just ask a professional pornstar. Amateurs ruin everything,

Back to the show! Benjamin is so painfully dorky. Can’t you find any other way to comb your hair than straight forward, creating that stringy mess over your forehead? G-Ram goes off on Nilka. Apparently she is way behind and zoning out.

G-Ram LOVES Naples’ lamb wellington and hates Jason’s raw bloody chicken. Because he’s frying is like a *beep* first class *beep*. What the H do those beeps stand for? Fran and Berry are officially lost.

“Oh shit, my wig almost fell off.”

Blue team is messing up while the Red team is cranking out entrees. Until he gets up on Jamie’s salmon grill. G-Ram seems particularly angry today. He’s probably pissed he couldn’t find a way to fit in a prank where he makes out with his wife in this episode again. He yells, “that wouldn’t pass a kitty cat ******* cat food.” Again, we have no idea what word was bleeped out.

The voice over guy is also overly bitchy this year. He is being particularly condescending towards Andrew. Although it was well deserved, Andrew is freaking out, talking to himself, swearing, turning pink, stirring manically. He has to be on meth. He is tweaking out on that garnish station! Or maybe he’s having murder withdraws and has the killin’ shakes.

Now there’s a problem with the mashed potatoes. The problem? They look like a milk shake. Liquid mashed potatoes. WHU-OH! It actually looks super nasty. And Andrew is talking back about it. You got guts, boy!

Jason said the Jay-Z comment again in the confessional. If you assume they use only 10% of what they say in the confessionals and they used him referencing Jay-Z twice, the guys must have said it at least 80 more times that they didn’t use. Scary.

This dinner service was like Nas calling out Jay-Z for profiting off of Big-E to start a feud that he can also profit from.

Oh yeah, Jason’s chicken is crazy raw.

Yeah, ready to poison the hell out of someone with salmonella.

So, Ram-Z tells Andrew that he’s a ******** joke to the industry. But he’s not a joke in prison. He’s actually in solitary confinement where there are no jokes. Because he’ll eat people. That’s it, Andrew has had enough. He must have not know that Gordon was going to be mean to him. Andrew is walking out the damn door. JP is trying to tell Andrew not to leave the show. Tons of people would want to be in his shoes. Andrew takes off his chef crocs and walks out. Creepy. He wandered off into some unsuspecting single ladies apartment. He’s like the Jay-Z of serial killers.

And…….the winning team? Not tonight.

Each team has to nominate 1 person to be up for elimination. On the blue side the first person nominated is Jason. Jason swears and says no, then he says Naples should be out. Everyone’s like yeah, Naples !!! He sucks oh yeah!! Anyone but me!! Naples says he doesn’t want to be nominated because he doesn’t want to go home. he wants to stay. Is that how it works on Italian reality competition shows? You only nominate people who want to go home anyway, Italian TV must suck. Mohawk Mikey is surprised no one thought to nominate him, and so are we, so he’s going to keep his mouth shut.

The red team decides between Nilka and Autumn. Jamie is all about getting Nilka off while Maria and Old Fran want Autumn outta there! And they win. Autumn is up.

She’s actually 19. Don’t Smoke!!!

Ram-Z asks why she should stay and Autumn says she should not be sent home for salty water. They way she says it makes Salty Water sound like a person. Like a sea captain/chef from a pirate ship that got on the show. I am picturing his confessional: “Salty Water be used to cookin’ for a crew of 100 starvin’ men and if anyone complains ’bout the taste they be chum! And Salty Water never heard a no…oven. We call it the sun and it works just as well! But Salty Water not here to be makin’ the friends. He be here to win!”

BERRY ENOUGH!! Okay, sorry, Fran.

G-Ram asks everyone is Autumn the worst cook on the red team. They all say NO! What? Dumb ass Maria and Old Fran! If you want her off you say YES!! Maria blurts out that Jamie is the worst cook and they all quickly agree.

Jason says he should stay because he keeps pushing. And probably goes into a rapper based reason that was cut out for time.

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is………………………………….Mohawk Mikey! Why do we even pretend that it matter who they put up for elimination anymore. It’s just meant to make them all hate each other more to fill time before Gordo kicks off whoever he wants anyway.

These fingers are going to #%@# your #&%$ &*#$, %#$#, until you &#$% and I #$@&*@*#$$@(@$#@$& Risotto!

Man, Mikey must be really glad that he got a giant Hell’s Kitchen tattoo. Maybe he can get a skilled tattoo artist to change it into a Master Chef tat.

Jamie gives Maria a threat via wine cellar confessional. “She is the pebble in my shoe and I have to get it out.” Ohhhh damn girl!!!! Salty Water’d be all like, “That landlubber be on her way to Davey Jone’s Walk-in Meat Locker! And by the way, why do they keep makin’ me wash me hands?? Back on the ship we’d just spit into ‘em and rub ‘em with whale blubber! The diseases that killed me teeth’ll kill the germs, and if ya still get a barnacle in yer stomach, yer too weak for the seas. And I’m here to win that limey’s booty!– BERRY!! STOP!! Oh, right. Sorry again, Fran.

Next week: Hysterical women with knives and agro males with hot frying pans. Also, Naples might not know how to write. Seriously, he says that. See you then!!