Hell’s Kitchen: Women Be Whinin’

Episode six of Hell’s Kitchen picks up as the chefs have just received news that Applesauce will be headed back to Boca and they all file back to the HK dorms.

Shady Pines, Ma!

Melissa asks if she put up a good fight. “Hell yeah” the women respond. It’s convincing stuff.

Sabrina doesn’t mince words in confessional, she wanted BigMel gone. Melissa tells Gail that NaughtyChef would not survive in her neck of the woods.

I got rid of those Three Little Piggies, and that meddlesome Riding Hood…I’ll get rid of her too.

So as one team is divided, one team must be doing back flips in celebration of their love for one another — and that’s exactly the type of quick burning love that is harbored amongst the men.

Trev loves the guys, they’re his guys. No matter what. No matter if it’s a competition? With a $250K job on the line? He knows one of the men is going to win.

I’m proud to be… in the fraternity… the brotherhood of MAN!

The men have won the last dinner service, and they are riding high on their first win. They return to the site of their victory to hear the details of the next challenge. Ramsay greets all the contestants and then calls Melissa forward. He tells her he doesn’t feel the “fight back,” from her. He asks for her jacket… wait for it…

…to hand her a blue jacket, now she’s on Team Blue.

In order to even out the teams, Team Red needs to be sent a leader. Or someone with a identical menstrual cycle.

This guy.

Trev moves over to Team Red. Trev says, “we just started melding as a team…” when he’s torn from his guys.

Ramsay is happy with his upheaval and he’s ready to introduce this episode’s challenge. Most restaurants have a signature entrée salad — for example, the nicoise salad, Waldorf salad or cobb salad — something that expresses the perspective of the executive chef. Ram would like each chef to come up with a signature entrée salad.

Where’s a good salad chef when you need one?

Chef Blob is concerned, “he doesn’t look like a salad guy,” he says, confirming that he is in fact… fat.

The teams have 30 minutes to create a salad, the winning salad will be featured in Bon Appétit Magazine, legitimizing the crappy mess hall careers of the contestants.

The contestants are off calling dibs on ingredients, Jumpstreet grabs at his share of the produce and says, “This is going to be sexier than my hair in the morning.”

I would like to thank the editors for including this footage.

The contestants continue to scramble as Pointdexter and BigMel have to quickly acclimate to their new kitchens.

Trev goes from zero-to-whiney in less than 60 seconds because Betty Brows is asking too many question.

What’s in raspberry vinaigrette?
What type of vinegar for a raspberry vinaigrette?
Would I just cook these in vinegar to make a vinaigrette?
Are these like dried cranberries or blueberries?

Does  raspberry vinaigrette go on a corndog salad?

Chef Blob has decided to showcase scallops in his salad. Unfortunately cooking scallops isn’t the strongest skill in this repertoire. He burns the first batch and is putting a fresh set in the pan as Ramsay counts down the final seconds.

Salad-guys make it look so easy.

As Chef Ramsay calls time, the contestants clamor to the pass to finish their plates, including Rob who has finished his scallops with no time to spare.

Brows hasn’t so much cooked anything, as she has chopped a few nuts and left them on top of what seems to be a very dry, under-dressed salad.

Senior Food Editor of Bon Appétit is here to help judge and it’s Boris vs. Gail in the first round. Boris is sweating like a maniac as he presents to Sr. Editor who doesn’t seem too disgusted. His salad is as soggy as his head and Gail wins the point.

It’s a little salty too…

Round 2: Nona vs. Rob and Rob’s salad dress is a little overwhelming. But Nona’s salad looks like it was road kill. Rob wins the point.

You dirty little hamster.

Round 3: Vinny’s trilogy of meat salad that look like a deconstructed club sandwich…  

…the way I like to way I order it at 4am at the diner –with my disco fries and chocolate milk and Pepto.

… vs. Jillian’s fruit and nut salad. Jumpstreet’s salad is too much work to make into a salad, or a sandwich or whatever it’s supposed to be, and Betty Brows’ isn’t an entrée, so neither win a point.

Round 4: Russell wins vs. Sabrina’s salad, that inexplicably reminds the BA editor of a hotdog. Blech.

Round 5 is the battle of the uprooted and Trev faces off again Melissa. BigMel’s salad features raw duck fat, unintentionally of course, and Trev wins the point for Red.

Or as Trev reports, “Dr. T comes through for the women.” WOW.

That ties the score. The winning team will be decided by the best all around salad, and BA editor gives that honor to Chef Blob and his perfectly cooked scallop salad, which will be added to the menu for tonight’s service.

You’re looking thinner already.

Blue has won a field trip to the Getty Villa, and Rob has won a photo shoot for Bon Appétit Magazine. The women have won a day with a pissy Pointdexter.

Both teams file back upstairs to the dorms and Trev wastes no time getting to the he-issy fit. He picks up the ashtray and slams it down on the porch table. “Thanks for nothing, bitches,” he snorts.

How evolved, Dr. T. I can see that you truly adore your women.

“I would have been on the blue team, we would have been sitting in Malibu,” bemoans the he-bitch as Sabrina looks on.

Blue arrives at the Getty Villa where they’re treated to a tour of the collection, which includes a mummy and a gallery dedicated to the women of the Roman empire. They all immediately find doppelgangers for Team Red including pouty Trev, who is in a level 5 funk in the red kitchen as they speak.

“I forgot what it’s like to hang around with chicks, all day long.”

He must mean he misses his Jodi Picoult book club.

Trev looks on as the rest of Red squawks about punishment. Mid-scowl, Trev decides that he’s going to shoulder the responsibly of whipping these girls into fightin’ form. He approaches Sabrina who is loitering near the wrong station, probably working on a Highlights Magazine as the rest of her team preps.

Find 2 pans, 3 spatulas and 5 morons in this picture.

Trev tells Sabrina to clear a workstation for herself elsewhere when Sabrina snaps back with, “I’m not working right here, dumbass.”

Trev takes it like a man and continues to follow Sabrina around instructing her in the ways of the spoon, Nona confesses that she’s happy to see Trevor focus on Sabrina. “Finally, someone sees what we’ve been screaming for months,” she says.

Back at the Getty Villa Melissa talks big about her “new beginning,” she’s more relaxed and bonding with Blue.

“We’re going to have some nasty shit for lunch,” Jillie announces. Team Red is presented with plates full of flowers for their mid-day meal.

Pointdexter says, “I’m just going to tackle it like a dude.”

And shuts his eyes and opens his mouth.

All of the team members sample the plate of flowers until one of the ladies accuses her plate of moving, so they’re convinced they’ve been fed a portion of insect-protein in their salad. Ha.

Ramsay arrives at Blue’s table at the Getty Villa to pick-up Rob for the Bon Appétit photo shoot, and then he totally eclipses him.

Photo shoot:

Final Photo:

Chef Ramsay, I think you’re standing in Blob’s light.

Blob is happy to share some downtime with Chef Ramsay, he’s even forgiving about the fat jokes being hurled his way like undercooked shrimp during dinner service.

Back at Hell’s Kitchen, Trev is questioning  the women’s techniques.

Why is the broccolini in the garnish station?
Because that’s where is goes… answers NoNeck.

Obviously Trev thought broccolini was Italian for “tree shaped poultry”, he was not even close to suspecting it’s a vegetable.

As Trevor continues to puzzle out the references to vegetables, the men arrive back from their afternoon of refinement. Pointdexter immediately scampers over to the men to tattle on the women, “The girls are throwing me completely off. Their system is completely different. They just put anything anywhere. They don‘t  streamline.”

Jumpstreet feels bad for Trev, but it’s not his team it’s not his problem.

Ramsay appears to mark the beginning of dinner service. Ramsay calls out Melissa and Trev, “confirm why you’re here,” Gordo says.

Ramsay asks Blob if Blue is stronger without Trev and Blob answers in the affirmative. Trev is offended and says that he wants to win a whole lot. Especially after what he just heard.

Tonight needs to be smooth because Ramsay is adding a Chef’s table in each kitchen. James opens the door to Hell’s Kitchen and in addition to the standard menu, Rob’s challenge winning scallop salad will be offered with tonight’s dinner service.

Appetizer orders are arriving in the kitchens. The blue kitchen is off to a decent start, except for Boris. Bull is behind and he has Chef Blondula riding his ass. Boris is apologetic –he’s the only one in this cast that is, but he is cannot find his ass with two hands and the dull pain of Ramsay’s kick. He finally brings shrimp to the pass. Ramsay’s unhappy because the shrimp are overcooked and rubbery. Ramsay turns to Blondula, who bares his fangs and screams at Boris, “If you wouldn’t feed it to your mother, then do not f^%$ing feed it to the customers.”

Kiss your mother and take her dinner order with that mouth?

Blue customers are waiting for dinner, when the kitchens are additionally strained by the arrival of the VIPs at the Chef’s table. Rob is taking orders from the Blue chef’s table and as some thin woman arrives Rob toddles up to the table to take Thin Actress’s order. “Ladies first,” says Rob as he ignores the other ladies at the table and zones in on Thin Actress. She orders the risotto as her main plate with no shrimp. If Boris doesn’t have to prepare the protein, she may actually get a plate of food before she wastes away to nothing.

On the red side Jillian will be taking the orders from the VIPs, Mo Gaffney of Absolutely Fabulous and Alexis from General Hospital.

I love what’s happening at this table.

At the red table, where I believe these celebs may actually digest their food, Betty Brows is pulled away from her recommendations because a salad is lacking a lemon and Ramsay requests her presence, urgently, please urgently.

Gail is ready with lobster spaghetti and has done well. Trev has to admit that she’s strong, so a good(-ish) start. Red diners are being fed and so are blue diners because Russell is flapping around over Bull.

BigMel is on scallops and she has to get her scallops past Rob who is assembling the entree salads. The first salad has a aw scallop that BigMel and Blob both overlooked.

Rob plans to be very strict with the fish station from here on out.

My mom like her seafood cook through.

Jillian is able to serve the chef’s table, except MommaVIP who hasn’t gotten her scallops. NoNeck can’t get them to color. When they’re finally delivered to Ramsay. They’re raw.

NoNeck re-fires as Ramsay is yelling at her in front of the VIPs. The second set. Raw. And still yelling.

Which surprises the VIPs.

Ramsay calls Red together to tell them for the first time this evening, that he’s fed up.

Ramsay installs Pointdexter on the fish station to get a properly cooked scallops. On the blue side Rob has rejected BigMel’s attempts at scallops. Blob says “she was burning scallops left and right.” Quickly and adeptly. She runs through them all before anyone notices…

“I can’t use these,” he tells BigMel as she sees Ramsay approaching. “I cooked the shit out of all the scallops.” BigMel tells Ramsay. “I screwed the team, Chef.”

She cooked all the scallops in the blue kitchen without hitting upon a single acceptable set. Ramsay calls Team Blue together to pass around the plate of burned mangled and rejected scallops.

On Red, Ramsay is calling for gnocchi. Sabrina throws her hands in the air and inexplicably proclaims that the meat station is cooking the gnocchi.

I thought it was in the meat station with the broccolini, Chef.

Ramsay, surprisingly, does not accept this explanation, and neither does Pointdexter. “Why the f%^# would I have it? It’s a garnish, I’m cooking the meat.” Pointdexter says in confessional.

Two hours into dinner service, a lot of people are without their dinner.

Boris is telling himself that tonight’s his night — as he sends up mashed potatoes the consistency of Floam. Jumpstreet wonders why Boris thinks he can get away with that. Blondula has just called Bull a dumbass… when they’re all distracted by a small fire that the Bull may have caused. It was an accident, that’s why they put erasers on pencils and fire extinguishers on reality show sets. Chill out, Blondula.

In the red team’s kitchen, Trev is screaming at Sabrina. She’s screaming back, coherent answers, so that’s progress. “There’s like a million things you have to do,” says Sabrina.

Like skin the broccolini. Grr…

“I’m sorry, Chef. I didn’t do it man,” Sabrina says when Ramsay calls her forward. He tells her to pull herself together.

Blue is on its last table, they just have one problem: Boris. He’s unable to control the fish station, and he’s kicked out. That’s the last road bump for the teams, both are able to finish up service.

Ramsay has them shut down the kitchens and assemble to hear the results. Once again there is no winner. Both teams have to nominate one person for elimination.

At the men’s pow wow, Boris is the first target. Vinny points out that Boris has had a “bad night” on three out of the four stations, so how can they continue to put their trust in him? Boris semi-acknowledges his short-comings, but points to BigMel. She sucks too.

The men do in fact throw in BigMel into elimination over Boris and Red had no trouble nominating Sabrina. But Ramsay’s not finished. He calls up NoNeck and Boris too… he asks them all why they should stay, but BigMel is the least convincing of the less than convincing. She’s history.

Do you think Mel deserved the boot? Do you think Blondula has any reason to be so nasty? Last week it was teenagers and this week it’s Boris. That man seems very angry about something — I’m guessing it has something to do with a tall, dark and handsome medieval Lord that overshadowed him for many years… muhahaha.

Another two-episode week down and another coming up, the 100th episode is a 2 hour two part-er. Stay tuned.