Grab Your Pots, Pans and Toilet Brush!

After six months of sleeping, the beast has reawakened, and it’s time for another season of Hell’s Kitchen!

This is the only show on television where there is so much cursing that you actually start to believe that everyone’s face is naturally just one big pixelated mess. And I love every tempered minuted of it!

Sometimes I forget that he actually has a real mouth under there.When the show opens, it feels like a fairy tale. We’re magically spinning over the lights of Los Angeles, and a soft piano is tinkling in the background. We land in front of Hell’s Kitchen, and a creepy man voice says that all has been quiet at Hell’s Kitchen. Eek! But although the monster slumbers, the memories live on. We are then shown a montage of various Gordon Ramsay temper-tantrums, ambulances leaving the studio and grown men crying on set.

Now it’s time to reawaken the beast! The Dark Lord reigns again, and 15 new culinary warriors are about to step into battle. Wow, this sound downright Biblical. I feel like I need to start preparing for the Rapture or something. (Not that I would even know how to.)

When the show starts, fifteen new culinary warriors are making their way through the airport. And already I see a problem. One little man is wearing a VERY large chef hat. This guy is a total pee-wee, so the hat is practically as big as he is. I imagine that we’ll get to this trainwreck later though, so I’ll leave it alone for now.

First we see Vanessa who says that she’s prepared to step on people to win. Then we see Rosann who says that being married to her daughter’s father was hell enough, so this should be a cake walk.

Meanwhile, that trickster Chef Ramsay is getting all dolled up in his favorite wig and prosthetic nose! He looks just like everyone’s favorite Motorhead roadie and is ready to surprise the warriors.

Flash this guy, and you’ll get to meet the band!

The contestants take a bus from the airport to the studio, and Gordon sits on the bus with them to secretly size him up. I’m sorry, but I just cannot imagine that none of the culinary warriors know what’s up here. Doesn’t he look a little…I don’t know…obvious? Maybe I’m just generally pretty prepared to see Gordon Ramsay in a costume, so I’m always on my guard, but he definitely looks fishy to me.

Dumb tall hat guy (Craig) is the first one to put his foot in his mouth. He congratulates everyone on the bus for competing but reminds them that he’ll win. Bobby puts his foot in his mouth next by declaring himself “the black Gordon Ramsay.” Oh wow. Even Gordon has to peek over his sunglasses for that one to make sure this guy wasn’t kidding. Black Gordon says Chef Ramsay is the president, but he’s the four star general. Lofty!

The crew pulls into Hell’s Kitchen, and they walk down a long hall to meet the maitre’d Jean-Philippe who is jolly as ever. He breaks the ice by doing a little impression of Gordon and the culinary warriors politely chuckle. Jean-Philippe then turns the table, asking if any of them can do an impression. Many try but many also fail. Finally Jean-Philippe calls on the Roadie, and he moves straight to the front of the room.

Jen is killing me because she makes a face of utter disgust every time she looks at this guy. Way to politely hide your emotions, girl! I can tell she’s going to be a fun one this season.

“Yuck! Who invited the road crew in here! Go back to Chik-fil-A!”

Anyway, Roadie Gordon proceeds to do a spot-on impersonation of himself. And everyone is baffled except for Louross who recognizes the voice. I think this might be a little foreshadowing that little Louross might be the only one with a brainy wainy!

In the dramatic stylings of the show, of course Gordon has to reveal himself in the most dramatic of fashions. He literally yanks off his sticky prosthetic nose. Yummo! I’ve lost my appetite already, and I haven’t even seen the nasty creations of our culinary warriors yet! As he’s pulling off his wig and skin, Rosann runs up to hug him. We know her last marriage was a disaster, so I wonder what her motives are. Is she really here to cook, or is she just looking for a new baby daddy in Chef Gordon here? Seriously, though, who runs up and hugs Gordo? I’d be afraid I’d get smacked.

“Your challenge is to turn this into a dish!”

Everyone freaks out with excitement to see their favorite Dark Prince. But the celebration doesn’t last long because it’s time for the first competition. Everyone has 45 minutes to cook their signature dishes! By the way, can I please add, that although Gordon looks like a curmudgeonly troll, I find him very appealing? Is anyone else with me here, or I am the only person who finds him yummier than his food?

Moving on, in the kitchen, the culinary warriors are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Rosann is stressing so badly that she actually explodes a bottle of wine! Now this, this I’ve seen before. Sometimes when you can’t find the corkscrew, you have to take a skewer and push the cork inside of the bottle instead of pulling it out. And sometimes this ends in disaster. Not that I am personally familiar, of course. But I’ve heard about it. From friends. No one you know. They live in Alaska.

Louross is so adorable to me with his little Mohawk and nosering! I think he is going to be to Hell’s Kitchen what Christian was to Project Runway. He’s doing a little booty shake as he simmers his food. Apparently he’s his own egg timer. Then someone blow torches an egg; someone else pours junk into a pumpkin; someone dumps yellow gelatinous material onto a plate; and we’re done! Let’s get ready to face the beast!

The first dish belongs to Craig (a.k.a. Dumb Tall Hat guy). He explains to us that he has the Napoleon complex and needs the hat to make his 5’5″ frame feel big and tall in the kitchen. I think it’d be more interesting if he went the Prince route and wore big platforms and a yellow jumpsuit with the butt cut out, but to each his own. Of course the hat doesn’t escape the scrutinizing glare of Chef Ramsay though. After all, he IS the devil! Rams goes straight for the kill and asks if Craig has “small boy syndrome downstairs.” Everyone cringes. It’s framed as more of a rhetorical question, so we never get our answer. We are all free to make assumptions though. Anyway, this show is about food, so let’s forget what’s in this pipsqueak’s pants and focus instead upon his jerk-seared Chilean seabass over rum-raisin risotto. It’s too sweet and a pile of shit. And p.s. wear that dumb hat again, and it’s getting stuck up your cranny! Moving on!

Second is Jen who toots her own horn. Literally. Her job is to prepare fruit and do watermelon carving. That skill is like one notch down from making homemade jack-o-lanterns. She says that she can make Gordon’s face into a watermelon carving, but I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing he wants. Jen is cheesing it up so much that she reminds me of Paris Bennett from American Idol Season 5. Her crab and lobstertail is so nasty that Chef spits it out. The rice in the risotto is raw. And because she’s in the cold part of the kitchen, it confirms she can’t cook. Yeah, I could see that. I used to wait tables at the country club. The cold-side chef – although lovely – just made salads all day and occasionally brulee’d a crème. That’s about it. Jen says that there’s a difference between constructive criticism and just being a butthead. Whoa! Butthead?! Holy shit, Jen, you’re out of control! Go home and wash that mouth out with soap!

Third is Corey, who serves what looks like butter lettuce with maybe some chicken in there. Uhh….what? Chef Ramsay says that the dish matches Corey – simple, plain, blonde and boring. She looks miffed and takes her place back with the group. She does seem a little “vanilla” for the show, but we’ll have to wait and see if there’s any spice hidden in there somewhere.

Jason — a little rolly polly man — serves dish that is apparently worse than something you’d find in a can. I guess Gordon is referencing a canned ham or canned tuna. But however you want to look at it, it’s a failure. Something about Jason is already bothering me.

Shayna, who looks like everyone’s favorite librarian, burnt her dish. It’s hard to tell what it is underneath all the charredness, but I think she was the one who said she’d over-seared the beef earlier.

And that brings us to Matt. Matt thinks that because he’s a “true culinarian,” he knows what Gordon is looking for. Ladies and gentle, allow me to introduce The Exotic Tartar! It’s venison and diver scallops with caviar and white chocolate. It sounds so freakish that Gordon asks if Matt smokes crack. Oh, wait, but there are more ingredients! Raw quail egg, lime zest, olive oil and capers are added to make this fantastic dish a fabulous flop. It even looks disgusting. Gordon can’t even finish chewing one bite before he literally barfs in a trash can. He heaves and heaves until there’s nothing left to heave. Matt looks like he’s off to a promising start! Gordon says it’s one of THE worst flavor combinations he’s ever tasted in 21 years of cooking. Blarf.

For the last ten years, Dominic has been playing Mr. Mom. The only people he cooks for are his own family. Dominic says that Chef Ramsay has nothing on his screaming kids. Okay, kids might be devilish, but Chef Ramsay is Satan himself with a mouth of a sailor. If Gordo pales in comparison to Dominic’s children, then no wonder he has to stay home. He’s probably been black-listed from every nanny agency this side of the Prime Meridian. Anyway, he’s prepared a chicken cacciatore. Yep, that seems about right. Definitely something a mom would cook for the kids. I’m serious. We used to have that all the time. It’s just chicken with spaghetti sauce. He might as well just have made Hamburger Helper. Definitely not enough to excite the Rams.

Rosann – who is taking a temporary leave from culinary to watch her daughter – made a spicy mussel soup. And Chef actually likes it! It’s seasoned perfectly. A receptionist with a palate! Brilliant! She has appeased the beast and will be allowed to live.

Trick or treat! Petrozza turned a common gourd into the most barftastic thing I’ve ever seen. One look at it is terrifying enough – let alone knowing what monster lurks inside. There is a Cornish hen inside the pumpkin, and around it on the plate are potatoes and lots and lots of dripping butter. Petrozza tells Chef that the hen is presented in the pumpkin and plated tableside. Bleck! Where does this guy work!? And who orders this thing?! He has to cut the pumpkin up to get the hen out, and it makes the grossest squishy sound ever. It looks like a brain is being extracted from a decapitated head. The hen is dry and the pumpkin isn’t even seasoned. You lose, Petrozza!

Sharon, the cutesy girl with a high hemline and platform shoes, presents another boring dish à la Corey. It just looks like asparagus and chicken, but it’s hard to say. I can barely see past all the boringness. Then she gets back into her pink Corvette with Midge and drives back to the Dream Home!

Ben the Electrician serves a dish that isn’t bad but isn’t great. It just looks like a ring of gravy. Can’t really tell. I don’t even see the food on the plate. I doubt that Gordon scarfed it down, so it will just have to remain a mystery.

Christina the Culinary Student’s dish uses good concepts but has terrible execution. In layman’s terms, the combination of food makes sense, but it’s prepared poorly. Hers is maybe an egg with some beef? Again, it’s hard to see what’s being presented here. But whatever it is reeks of mediocrity.

Louross could have done a lot more, and we don’t even get to see his plate. So not much to say about this. Except that I think he’s a cutie with a lot of spunk. Okay, fine, I just like that his name is Louross! It reminds me of the great art legend, Bob Ross. And he even has personality-filled hair much like the similiarly monikered painter of happy trees.

Vanessa presents pan-seared halibut, and it’s the tastiest thing Gordo’s had all day. Finally! Someone who did something more than decent; he even calls it delicious! Everyone applauds, and Vanessa cannot suppress her glee. She looks like she has zero personality, but at least she can cook.

Bobby the General is last, and he serves up Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks. Oh how I am reminded of kindergarten! All he needs is a little ketchup on the side, and we’re good to go. Not really, but that’s what it looks like. Chef Ramsay found it embarrassingly lazy that the fish was deep-fat fried. Yeah, frying is lazy. I mean, everything tastes good when it’s fried, so it doesn’t take much skill. Hell, you could deep-fry a turd, and I’d eat it!

This is amazing! I can’t believe how sucky all these people are! They are supposed to be top chefs and yet they made Gordon toss his cookies right in front of the world. That’s scary. I’d hate to see what their restaurants are like; there’s probably barf all over the walls. I’m not chef, and I think I could even have managed to prepare something vaguely edible.

The winner of the show is supposed to become the executive chef of Gordon’s brand new restaurant in Los Angeles: London L.A. Good luck, Gordo! I fear for you! Maybe we should start a prayer circle right now.

Jason, who I find more irritating by the second, says that if he won Hell’s Kitchen, he wouldn’t just be Jason anymore. He’d be Jason with a pocket full of money who has to beat women off with a stick! Ugh. First of all, there’s no way this loser will ever win. But if – IF – he does, yes he might have money, but I really can’t imagine even one woman swarming after this guy. He’s as nasty as the hen in the pumpkin.

The first competition at Hell’s Kitchen will be men (Blue Kitchen) versus women (Red Kitchen). Chef Ramsay brings in his two sidekick sous chefs. Scott will be running the men’s team, and Gloria will be with the girls. Both of them look all business and no pleasure.

One surprise is that this will be the first year that each team will have a captain! And the teams are responsible for picking these by themselves.

The women easily and unanimously select Vanessa because she made the tastiest dish. With this out of the way, they are able to start their homework and begin memorizing the menu of 15 new dishes that they’ll be preparing tomorrow.

This is one cook who knows how to sit like a lady!

But the men hit a bit of a snag when they ALL want to be team captain. Finally the guys cave and vote for the General because he has the loudest mouth and won’t shut up about it. Instead of getting a jumpstart on studying like the women, they go straight to bed. Nice.

The beginning of the day starts out smoothly for the men’s team. But Jason happens to utter a statement that will make me despise him forever. Forever, I say! He says that he doesn’t intend to lose to a team of girls unless it’s an IRONING CONTEST. And I don’t think he’s referencing “Iron Chef” here either. All right, Fatso, game on! You are officially on my shit list! In fact, I’m just going to call you Fatso from here on out, you misogynistic piece of crap.

Meanwhile, has anyone noticed that Dominic looks like a very special, stapler clutching office worker? Combination of gelled hair, thick glasses and deer-in-the-headlights stare really channels that of Milton from “Office Space.”

“B-b-but the ratio of people to chicken cacciatore is too big!”

The women have a slower start because Vanessa won’t speak up as a leader and then falls plum right down onto the floor.

A few minutes before Hell’s Kitchen opens, Chef Ramsay tries to quiz the groups about the menu. The men stutter all over themselves and can’t come up with one single entrée that’s on the menu. The ladies, on the other hand, are all putting their hands in the air to be called on because they stayed up late memorizing. Have the men never seen this show before? I mean, seriously.

Finally, Gordo calls on Christina who rattles off the five entrees like it’s nothing. In your face, Fatso! Girls are better at more than just ironing! Matt tells us that just because the ladies know the menu doesn’t mean that they’ll be able to cook it well. Perhaps, but at least they won’t cover it in raw quail egg and white chocolate!

Next Gordon picks one person from each team – Petrozza from the men and Shayna from ladies – to serve a tableside amuse-bouche.

Yes, his bouche looks rather amused.

The restaurant opens, the orders start to come in and everything begins to fall apart. Part of the problem is that Fatso, who is supposed to be making appetizers, decided to take a timeout to smoke and pick his toes. What? Come on, man! The restaurant just opened and you’re not even there!? Yuck! I can’t stand this guy even more. Finally he saunters in like nothing ever happened. I want Chef to fire him on the spot, but he barely even yells at him.

The worst part is that he later uses these hands to make risotto!

The flambées are lighting up the dining room, and Shayna asks how everyone’s eyebrows are doing. I love this because my friend Annika TOTALLY singed her eyebrows and eyelashes off in college when a flame came too close to her face! Talk about too much hair product! I’m glad she’s not in Hell’s Kitchen; she probably wouldn’t have come out with her eyesight still in tact.

Jen is a little concerned about Sharon — who she pens “Barbie” because of her blonde hair, big boobs and makeup – because she’s trying to make risotto and seems a little ditzy. Barbie is annoyed that Jen is taking over her station. But I think Jen has good reason here because Barbie looks like there is nothing but an empty pit between her ears. Her risotto is so bad that Ramsay spits it out.

Barbie and Jen go back to remaking the risotto while Vanessa, the TEAM LEADER, seems to be working like a zombie. She isn’t paying attention to what anyone else is doing or even checking on them periodically. She can pan-sear halibut, sure, but she certainly can’t lead a team.

Fatso is also working on risotto and doing a terrible job. Milton has to throw his scallops away because they’ve been done too long, just waiting for Fatso’s risotto to be ready.

The General says that he recognized that everyone was messing up but didn’t interject because he didn’t want to make them feel stupid. What dumb logic. They look even more stupid because the guests are sitting outside with nothing to eat but Petrozza’s flambée-singed eyebrows! Isn’t the General supposed to be an executive chef? Aren’t executive chefs normally bossy? Why is he so hands-off? I feel like my blood pressure is rising because I’m so nervous/frustrated/annoyed right now!

Barbie is on her next round of risotto and not doing much better. This time, she just dumped in a bunch of garlic. That’s not what Chef meant when he said it needed more seasoning. He has to rinse the garlic taste out of his mouth with water and spit it on the floor.

Even Dracula didn’t react this badly to garlic.

Finally he barks at Barbie to go put more makeup on and just let Jen take over. Barbie says that just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she can’t cook. Agreed. But she’s just going to have to prove herself next time because even I can cook risotto, and I totally suck in the kitchen.

In the dining room, Jean-Philippe is trying to charm hungry guests that are growing impatient with the lack of food. This scene looks kind of staged to me. The guests have bread to snack on, and I’m sure the meal is free. What is there to complain about?

For some reason, Fatso’s second attempt at risotto looks like tuna casserole to me. I wonder if Milton made it. It looks like a dadly meal choice. But it’s overcooked and Fatso doesn’t even seem to care. Finally Gordon screams at him like I’ve been waiting for. He says that he doesn’t want any more embarrassments; he just WANTS SOME FOOD! He makes Fatso sit down and try to eat the nastiness that he was planning to serve.

Even Petrozza is bombing with his flambé. He’s more concerned about everyone calling him “Petrozza” instead of his first name, Lou, than he is about making the food. Jean-Philippe tells him to speed up, but he just sighs and stares into space. Wow. What a group we have this season, folks.

In the Red Kitchen, Jen is instructing someone to flip a fried egg over. This really sets off Gordon. He picks up the pan of eggs and violently drops it on the counter.

What Jen doesn’t know, is that eggs only will be served sunnyside-up in Hell’s Kitchen!

Growing tired of Vanessa’s ho-hum attitude, Gordon orders Rosann to become the new team captain. Rosann immediately starts barking off orders to get things moving. Jen is mad that she wasn’t chosen to be team captain because she’s done a lot to exhibit leadership. Like erroneously telling someone to flip the eggs over.

Rosann tells us that Vanessa got a little chip on her shoulder because she was replaced as captain. But she says she is more aggressive because Vanessa is from Montana, and Rosann is from New York City. Really? I had no idea. It’s not like she has a RAGING New York accent or anything!

Milton has to throw out yet another tray of scallops because they are like rubber at this point. Milton keeps cooking scallops before the other dishes are ready. So he keeps having to throw them away because they sit out too long. And now he’s just holding scallops in the palm of his hand, with a gaping stare, not knowing what to do. This is just awful.

“Just don’t steal my Swingline — er, I mean, scallops!”

Chef Ramsay yells at the General to take control because everyone is dazed and confused, and Louross is “running around like a toilet brush!” I think that is my favorite Ramsayism so far tonight. Louross is running around like a toilet brush! Ha!

But the General insists that everything is fine, and he doesn’t want to leave his station to help because it will create more chaos. He should at the very least tell Milton what to do! He’s still standing there, looking around blankly with scallops lying flat on his palm!

Worst General since General Electric.

In the Red Kitchen, Jen finally made a good dish of risotto. And she is quite pleased with herself. The response from the dining room is that it’s great.

The men continue to be at a standstill. Fatso still hasn’t managed to make a decent dish of risotto, and everyone’s waiting on him. Then someone makes a sauce with a snotty texture and Gordo completely loses it. His whole face just becomes one big pixel as all of his bad words are bleeped out, and he kicks the counter.

The Toilet Brush gets all fired up and starts storming around telling people to season this and redo that. He tells us that no one has been tasting what they’ve been making all night. Gordon tells the General to take his badge off and give it to T.B. because at least he has the balls to take control.

Does the General feel like this means he’s a bad cook? Of course not! No, not at all. He’s still a general. He’s not bothered at all. Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that, Bobbo. Maybe eventually you’ll actually start to believe it.

In the Red Kitchen, Gordon is not pleased with Corey’s chicken. He makes everyone gather around and touch it. I love that they’re in a time crunch, but they all have time for a pow-wow with a piece of rubbery chicken. Gordon hurls the chicken against the wall, half of it sticking and half of it landing on the floor in a sad lifeless form.

Chef Ramsay road kill.

T.B. finally has the Blue Kitchen moving and even actually got Fatso to produce a decent batch of risotto. But it’s too late. Everyone in the dining room is already starting to leave. Apparently, they’d been waiting for dinner for THREE HOURS. Holy crap! I probably would have left after 30 minutes and went to find a McDonald’s.

Gordon yells at everyone to shut it down because no one is left in the dining room. He is not a happy camper. The teams clear everything off and pack it all up in utter embarrassment.

Now it’s time for a Chef Ramsay-sized scolding. The teams line themselves up in the kitchen and prepare for the worst. First, he looks at the General, he is a coward who hid behind his team instead of stepping up to act like a leader. Then, there’s Fatso would sucked so badly that he totally sunk his entire kitchen. Vanessa was so quiet that it was like having a mouse on service. And Corey made chicken that bounced off the wall.

Gordon says that it was so terrible that no one “won,” but the men did SO badly that they are the clear loser. Because the Toilet Brush was the only one who tried, he is chosen to go back to the dorms and decide which two members of his team will be put on the chopping block.

Back at the dorms, everyone sits around and smokes. Ahh smoking! It does wonders for the palate! Fatso actually tells us that he tried his best. Really? Then his best is pretty freakin’ bad.

The Toilet Brush walks around to ask everyone for their input for who to eliminate. The most frequent answers are the General and Fatso. But of course the General in all his cocky glory doesn’t think he needs to go beg Toilet Brush to let him stay. After all, he’s the GENERAL and T.B. is just a private. Ugh. He’s so pompous. And not in a funny, endearing way.

You can tell it’s fake grass when the lawn literally has wrinkles in it.

Milton pleads to T.B. saying that he knows he did poorly, but he followed directions the best he could. The problem was that the directions were terrible. I see his point. Fatso tries to argue the same point, but it doesn’t hold much water for me. I understand that the leadership wasn’t there, but he’s a lazy slob who left the kitchen to go pick his toes in a back room. That’s no one’s fault but his own.

Toilet Brush seems rather sympathetic to Fatso, and it confuses me. Obviously, Fatso and the General make the best television, so I’m sure that the producers wouldn’t let T.B. put them both up for elimination. That’s the most annoying part about these types of shows. It’s become so predictable that the boring person will always be the one to leave no matter how terrible the “more entertaining” people are in the competition.

Back in the kitchen for elimination, Toilet Brush says that his first nominee is the General because he sucked as captain and didn’t foster good communication. The second nominee is Milton because he couldn’t get the orders done on time.

The General and Milton both step forward to meet their fate with the Dark Prince. Milton says that he should be allowed to stay because he wasn’t guided properly by the team captain, but he did throw away 30 scallops. He really should have caught on after awhile and stopped making the scallops so darn early. The General, again, hides behind his team. He blames them for their kitchen sucking and says that his entrees were ready to go. This man is such a jerk. Of course Gordon sees through the bullshit and asks him point blank whether or not he did a good job. The General says no, he did not. I think maybe that it was this glimmer of honesty that saves him because Milton is ordered to leave.

As Milton leaves Hell’s Kitchen, he tells us that being the first to leave is really a heartbreaker. His dream to work with Chef Ramsay has been dashed. And now he has to return to his evil children.

There goes one pear-shaped silhouette that I doubt I’ll ever miss.

Chef Ramsay tells both the General and Fatso that they’ve dodged the bullet. With one minute left in the show, Fatso finds the time to make yet another disgusting remark. “We’ve embarrassed male chefs all over the world today. Well it’s on now. There’s no way in hell I’m ever losing to girls again.”

Dear Redneck, Please go back to the 1800s. Love, Women Everywhere

Gordon says that this has been the worst ever start of a season, and this season has the best prize. He’s not taking it lightly. I have a feeling that he’s going to be extra evil this year…and this cast definitely deserves it. I hope they’re scared!

So did you guys think? This season looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun! I can’t wait to see more chicken being thrown across the room! Priceless!

See you next Tuesday!
xoxo,
MandaMo