Gordon Is Happy. So F@*!#ING Happy.

Well, we were down to the final three on last night’s episode of Hell’s Kitchen, and for once, the aspiring chefs were evaluated based on their cooking skills, not just their efficiency on the line. Each baby-Ramsey had to design an entrée which would be graded by the diners. Whoever had the highest marks would move onto the next round. Isn’t this what the show should have been all the while? Anyway, I’ve learned not to question the logic in Hell’s Kitchen. I just accept it, lest I deflate the pop cultural soufflé that is Gordon Ramsey.Last night’s episode began with Jessica narrowly avoiding elimination to Elsie. As she and the gang headed back into the dorms, the narrator dependably piped up by saying, “After two weeks of being close to elimination, Jessica is relieved to be part of the final three.” Funny, I didn’t detect a note of relief when Jessica gushed, “I’m here, and I’m so ecstatic to be here. I think it’s the happiest I’ve been. I mean, making it to the final three is absolutely amazing.” Again, good work, narrator.

That night, the three partied with some champagne left to them by the producers. Jessica tossed back one too many glasses of the bubbly and wound up falling off the backyard hammock. I don’t know how it happened, but I like to think the hammock ejected her in a rebellious fit against all the chubby people stretching it down (ahem, Dewberry). Ralph, meanwhile, revealed to us his nickname for Michael: “Spider.” It’s funny, because Michael’s nickname for Ralph is “fat balding man with a boner.”

Anyway, after some spirited partying, everyone went to sleep, but at 3:49 AM, the phone in the kitchen rang. Turns out it was Gordon calling to say there was an emergency. Oh no! Did someone die?? Worse. THERE WAS NO BREAD! Allegedly the bakery couldn’t deliver its loaves and buns (and by “couldn’t,” I mean “was told not to”); so the lowly chefs would have to rise early and get bakin’.

Unfortunately, when Michael tried to wake everyone up, no one believed that Ramsey was waiting out in the kitchen at 4:00 AM. Ralph simply flailed his paw about while Jessica took a more aggressive approach and tried to tackle Michael (but not before she liberally scratched her ass though). Luckily, sous chef Scott poked his growly head in the room, causing Ralph to immediately apply his ass-kissing smile and pop out of bed like a sexually excited bunny.

From Jessica’s ass to your dinner, the hands that feed the masses!

In the kitchen, Gordon had news. “Hell’s Kitchen is in high demand!” From who exactly? People who like their food poorly cooked and slow to arrive? Nevertheless, G-Ram announced that there would be another dinner service THAT NIGHT! Holy Moly! I need some narrator explanation: “Tonight’s dinner service will mark the first time ever that Hell’s Kitchen is opening two nights in a row.” Wow. It’s almost like a REAL RESTAURANT!

Well, because of the aforementioned bakery bust, the kiddos had to spend the early hours of the morning baking bread. Unfortunately for Jessica, she was still a bit pooped and opted to take a nap on the counter. I can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure that having her stanky-ass chef’s jacket and nasty pajama pants on the cutting board is NOT sanitary. Luckily, she moved into the bedroom where she caught a few more ZZZs. Ralph, meanwhile, amped himself up by doing some pushups in the kitchen. Wonderful. That would be particularly impressive if he were in a boxing match, NOT BAKING DINNER ROLLS!

Finally, when all the baking was done, everyone went back to bed and caught about two hours of shut-eye before the show’s obligatory hottie, Maryann, busted into the dorms and woke everyone up with a triangle. Time to get back to work, slackers. Gordon summoned everyone into the kitchen and announced the big twist for that evening’s dinner service. “All three of you are going to come up with a new, exciting, creative, INSPIRATIONAL DISH!” he said intensely. That’s right. BE INSPIRATIONAL, DAMMIT!

Before they could BE INSPIRATIONAL though, the cooks had to endure another of Gordon’s challenges (which by the way, tend to be my favorite part of the show). Tonight, Gordon announced that this was his favorite challenge. Oooh! And what is your favorite challenge, Gordo? “The perfect soufflé.” We then cut to Spartan Spirit cheerleaders Craig and Arianna. “You know what this game needs, Craig?” THE PERFECT SOUFFLÉ!

Anyway, Gordon told the chefs that they had ten minutes to make the perfect soufflé. “Be creative and be original,” he added. We then cut to Ralph licking his lips and saying, “A white peach and ribeye soufflé! With maybe a touch of shrimp and apple!” Actually, Ralph stayed pretty conservative as he whipped up a chocolate, hazelnut, and mint confection. The narrator, meanwhile, noted that “These three finalists must rise to the occasion.” Ah. soufflé humor. The best.

After ten minutes, everyone handed over their soufflés to be put in the oven. Ramsey gushed, “When they work, it’s a dream come true.” Well, that is if you dream of soufflés. Anyhoo, once the desserts were all ready, G-Ram had a tasting. Jessica’s was so bad that the master chef actually had to laugh. “That’s pretty shitty. That is the worst soufflé I’ve ever tasted,” he said, apparently never having enjoyed my homemade twigs, lint, and dirt soufflé. It’s a classic.

The other two contestants received mixed reviews, but in the end, Gordon selected Ralph as the winner. Boom! Instant boner! In an interview, Ralph noted, “I’ve been laying low with all these challenges.” Suuuuure. I guess we’ll just overlook all those times you cursed and banged dishware in frustration. That was all an act, right? As for his big prize, Ralph got to choose whether he wanted his dish that night to be beef, chicken, or tuna. Awwww shit! Gordon just played him! Ralph thought he was going to go on a helicopter ride or a movie premiere, and instead, he got stuck with a lame-ass reward. Oh SNAP! Instant boner deflation.

Anyway, Ralph chose beef, Michael chose tuna, and Jessica was stuck with boring old chicken. The group then spent the rest of the morning designing their dishes, with Ralph opting to serve a filet mignon. WHOA! Now THAT is exciting, creative, and inspirational!!! Say it again? Filet mign– mign– mign-what? It’s such a unique and original idea, I don’t know how to say it!

Well, Jessica struggled greatly designing her dish but eventually settled on a stuffed chicken breast with goat cheese and herbs wrapped in prosciutto. Funny story: my spellcheck doesn’t recognize the word “prosciutto.” Instead, it suggests “prostitute,” which would really bring a whole new dimension to Jessica’s dish. As for Michael, his big original dish was a sesame-crusted filet of tuna (no way!) served with a lobster paella.

After all the hype, the dinner service finally began, and unbeknownst to the finalists, their families were all present up in the balcony. This afforded us the opportunity to meet Ralph’s bubbly fiancé appropriately named Buffy. She kind of looked like a blonde-haired, big-breasted version of Ralph. Needless to say, it was a bit disarming.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, a woman nearly wet herself with Ralph’s steak. “This is orgasmic,” she moaned, grossing out her friends. Another lady had equally high praise for Jessica’s chicken, saying, “I’m liking this. They did an awesome job on this chicken.” Unfortunately, no one shared the love for Michael, whose tuna was received with “I don’t like this at all. I don’t want this on my plate.” Upstairs, in the VIP (read: family) section, Buffy (who talks like a six year-old) declared that she didn’t mind the steak and that she didn’t mind the tuna. What about the chicken? Buffy stuffed a piece into her mouth, paused, and then spat it out into a napkin. CLASSY!

Buffy The Chicken Slayer prefers to spit.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jessica found herself overwhelmed — as usual — as she tried to cook up her chicken dishes and the desserts. I couldn’t help wondering why the hell she was on soufflé duty after having served up the worst soufflé G-Ram had ever tasted? Oh that’s right. Because Michael and Ralph are IDIOTS. Well, after slipping and sliding and knocking over a few plates, Jessica finally committed the “cardinal sin” (according to the narrator) of Hell’s Kitchen. Oh no…she murdered someone! How awful! Oh, wait, never mind. Apparently murder wasn’t the cardinal sin. But asking Gordon for help was, and that’s exactly what Jessica did. “For god’s sake!” replied Gordon angrily, adding, “What the hell do I look like? A CHEF???”

As the night wound down, the most popular dish was Ralph’s filet mignon, with Jessica’s coming in second, and Michael’s third. Plus, for once it actually appeared as though Gordon would not have to SHUT IT DOWN. Ralph and Michael finally came to Jessica’s aid and helped push out some last desserts (which resulted in a kiss on the cheek for JP from some drunk, horny, older woman), and for the first time ever, Hell’s Kitchen completed a whole kitchen service. Congratu-fluck-ulations. Now you’re almost as competent as Applebees.

Well, having reached this seminal point, Gordon rallied the troops for a little pep talk: “Well done! Bloody well done!” Tina Turner then busted through the wall, singing “You’re simply the best! Better than all the rest!” Actually, that didn’t happen, but the three aspiring restauranteurs departed for half an hour and then returned to the kitchen where the narrator announced, “With only two hours of sleep in nearly two days, the final three is about to become the final two.” Really??? There’s an elimination? Oh. My. God. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me this??

Actually, this elimination was different from all the rest. First, Gordon was all smiles and giddy. He was just so darned proud of his underlings. Second, there was an audience. That’s right, Gordon invited out all the families. Michael’s wife and in-laws came out and yada yada yada, everyone hugged and teared up. Next, Gordon announced that Jessica’s mother, sister, and girlfriend Courtney were there. Wait, wait. Jessica has a girlfriend? You mean, she’s a lesbian? Whoa, I just have no gaydar. Anyway, Jessica’s girlfriend came out and, you know, she was really old and dowdy. Oh wait, that was Jessica’s mom. Never mind.

Last up was Ralph’s family which featured Big Buffy, Momma Ralph, and Uncle Richard. With a friendly smile on his face, Gordon greeted the guests warmly (WTF??) and then announced that they’d be ranking which dishes they had liked the most. Buffy, meanwhile, took this time to sign out “I love you” in her secret BuffySign language. She then spat up more chicken onto her bib.

Hey Buffy, how do you sign “SHUT THE HELL UP!”?

Anyway, it was time for the results. The tuna was the most popular dish, receiving votes from Buffy, Ralph’s mom, Uncle Richard, Courtney, and Michael’s mother-in-law. The beef came in second place with votes from Jessica’s mom, Michael’s wife, and Michael’s father-in-law. Alas, poor Jessica only received one vote, and it came from her sister Bonnie. With that, Gordon gently swung the ax, saying “Darling, please give me your jacket.” And because Gordon is never afraid to lay on the schmaltz, he added, “You have every reason to smile because you’ve been amazing. And I mean that.” Finally, Gordon summed up by saying, “Strong, clever, feisty, and never short of a word. I like that in a woman.” To which Jessica replied, “Me too.”

After a long kiss and hug, Jessica finally departed (through the front door, no less!), and we were left with our two finalists: Ralph and Michael. So two professional cooks make it to the finals. I never would have guessed! Who’s cuisine will reign supreme? Will it be the modern Los Angeles fare of Michael or the classic New York style of Ralph? ALLEZ CUISINE!

What did you think? Are you happy with the finalists?