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After last week’s departure of Rachel from Hell’s Kitchen, every Indigo Girls fan across the nation shed a tear. What will Heather do without her muse? Her southern lispy muse? But the show must go on. And to my everlasting delight this weeks episode was a cornucopia of juvenile boob jokes. And since I am a grown man who still snickers whenever I hear anyone mention Lake Titicaca, this episode was right up my alley.
But it wasn’t just boob jokes. Oh no, we get another fierce night in the kitchen and even get to witness someone doing the unthinkable. Someone disrespects Chef Ramsay. Even self described “street tough” Tom didn’t have the nerve to do that. Get ready everyone. It’s time for the continuation… of Hell’s Kitchen.We start with the fallout as we do every week. And Back in the Hell’s Kitchen apartments, located on the fifth circle of Hell along with the Wrathful and Sullen (Dante’s Inferno jokes. Who’d a thought I had it in me?) Heather is feeling the loss of her beloved Rachel. I’d use a Brokeback Mountain joke but at this point it would be like the guy who still makes “Where’s the Beef” jokes. Yeah it may have been funny for a week a long time ago, but we’ve moved on.
“I think its gonna get catty” says Heather. “That’s what I’m dreading” Mirabel tells her. Oh no. A reality show with catty women? Who could have anticipated such a turn of events? Meanwhile K-grease and Garrett are thrilled at Heathers despair. You see, at this stage in the game its all about bringing other people down. K-grease says that of the girls “Heather was the heart and Rachel was the backbone” while K-grease was the …umm… I’m gonna go with unwashed taint. Now that Heathers spirit is crushed, it’s time for the men to shine. Or at least that’s their thinking anyway. And remember Garrett was in prison, so his judgment has not historically been up to par.
The next morning at 6:32 (why 6:32 instead of just 6:30? One of the mysteries of Hell’s Kitchen) the sous chef (What’s a sous chef? Check out this handy dandy Chef hierarchy chart) bust down the doors and wake up our sleeping cooks. I gotta tell you, the image of a guy with a bullhorn busting in to a room of scantily clad confused woman really brings back some good college memories. Go UCONN!
After the chefs groggily get dressed and ready they are taken on a trip to large outdoor food market. There they are greeted by Chef Ramsay. He has brought them here today for inspiration. Today’s challenge will be for each team to come up with a 3 course meal from ingredients from the market. They have twenty minutes to get all the ingredients they need.
Once they are unleashed, Virginia immediately starts talking the initiative on the red team, much to the dismay of Sara. You see Sara is upset that she was not consulted on the menu because “I know what I can do with the team. This why I’m here”. God, what could it have been that caused Virginia and the red team to ignore Sara? Did she do something to create such distrust? Oh yeah that’s right, she repeatedly lied and stabbed Virginia in the back, and then acted all smarmy and bitchy when called out on it.
At the halfway mark they are still looking for ingredients and Heather is getting flustered. Rachel you see, was the wind beneath her wings, her lady in red. Without her, will she have the strength to continue? Meanwhile back on the red team Virginia needs something and she needs it bad. Pleading in front of one of the vendors she exclaims “I need the biggest breast! A huge breast!” When they guy just looks at her funny she then just rips her shirt off in frustration and yells “See. Like this. Huge breasts. Got it??” Hmm, It’s too bad they weren’t shopping for ingredients for fish tacos. That could have gotten interesting.
With the shopping completed they are all brought back to Hell’s Kitchen. Gordon tells them that they have 3 hours to put together their 3 course meal, which he will then judge. As they all scramble in the kitchen, Virginia once again takes the lead and tells Sara “With those peppers, make sure you roast the shit out of them!”. And if that didn’t get her point across, she keeps at it; “Blister the f*ck out of them!” Whoa. Whoa. I am so turned on right now.
When the three hours are up Chef Ramsay brings them all together for the judging. First up are appetizers from Sara and Garrett. They both made soup. Garrett went with roasted corn scallop and shrimp bisque. When Gordon takes a bite he immediately notices that the shrimp in the soup still has the hard jagged shrimp tail on it. He tells Garrett that if he ate that, he would be in the hospital right now. Garrett just doesn’t get it though, as when we cut to his diary room interview he is pissed. “If you order shrimp, guess what? You automatically assume there’s gonna be a tail there, Gordo!” Now Garrett, I’m not sure how they cook roasted corn scallop and shrimp bisque in prison, at least not in federal prison that is, but out here in the real world, you don’t leave the bloody tail on the bloody shrimp, you DONKEY!
Next up is Sara’s. It’s a roasted pepper soup. Once Gordon tastes it however he says that it is burned. Cu t right to the Hell’s Kitchen “blue flashback” mode where we see Virginia commanding Sara to ‘Blister the f*ck” out of the peppers. Oops. In Virginias diary room she admits that the burnt soup was her fault, but she also points out that Sara didn’t argue with her on the point.
Next up is the entrées. Virginia’s is a chicken roulade stuffed with Mexican Salami, sliced tomatoes and garlic. Yes that’s right. Virginia’s breasts are stuffed with a Mexican Salami. And it just gets better from there. When Gordon sees how huge Virginia’s breasts are he asks her how many chickens are in the dish. “Just one breast” Virginia says. “You’re bird ‘s got big breasts” Gordon says. “Thank you chef” Virginia smiles. Cut to everyone else laughing under their breath. You see, Virginia also has large breasts. So when Gordon refers to her chicken breast, it acts as what is known I the biz as a “double entendre” in which it makes a knowing reference to Virginia’s oversized actual breasts which have featured prominently in episodes past. Therein lies the funny.
And if the joke hasn’t been hammered home enough, even the announcer gets into the act ‘Virginia’s chicken breasts have satisfied Chef Ramsay” he says with apparent glee. And you know that since this was FOX there was a one hour meeting somewhere debating whether or not to put the word chicken into that sentence. Gordon then tells Virginia how much he likes the idea of a huge Mexican salami between her breasts. He thinks it’s a sophisticated dish, even more sophisticated than what they have been doing so far this season with the possible exception of the giant chocolate labia cake.
Next up is K-greases entrée, and unless he decided to cook some Chinese cock soup, expect to be disappointed. He went with the decidedly unsuggestive pan roasted rib eye steak with a tomatillo and smoked chili demi glaze. While the presentation looks like a pile of vegetable vomit, Gordon likes the taste.
Now it is time for the final course, desert. And its up to Mirabel and Heather. Heather made a fresh fruit crepe with a mango peach puree. Gordon tastes it and tells her that it is too soggy. He needs Heather to have perky firm crepes. Mirabel has come up with a strawberry short cake “with latin ingredients”. Not sure what that means but OK. When Gordon tastes it he thinks its all right but not as inspirational as he was hoping for.
Gordon now has to pick the winner. And he starts it off by saying what the prize will be. “The winners will be spending some serious time with me” cut to Virgina and her succulent breasts jumping for joy. And the chicken dish she was holding in her hand also bounced up and down too. Hey-ooooh!! The losers however, will be on delivery duty. Gordo says that this was a tough one but the winner is….(insert dumb commercial break here) the red team. Yeah! Nothing can stop the power of Virginia’s breasts! Send those babies to Beirut and the bombing will stop tomorrow! We all bow to the power of Virginia’s sweater meat! Virginia is so happy that she won that she keeps the cheeky 4th grade sex jokes coming fast and furious. Cut to her diary room interview and she talks about how she always “finishes with a bang”. And then we get that Virginia face we’ve all grown to love. FOX even makes up a cartoon noise for it.
Not all is happy in the kitchen however. Garrett and Heather are convinced that they got cheated out of a win. When we see them later out back complaining about their loss Virginia comes out to use the hot tub. And she is of course wearing her revealing low cut bikini top. So low cut that FOX even has to blur it out as she walks by the camera to block out what I can only assume was a stray nipple. Tonight’s episode is quite the boobapalooza.
As Garrett , K-grease and Heather begin to unload the trucks for the next nights service Garrett is getting himself all pumped up. “You want the beast you got him!” he screams. Yeah OK whatever. Just make sure the beast stacks the wine neatly in the corner, m’kay? While Garrett is asserting his manhood, the women are preening themselves for a night on the town with Gordon. “Chefs been talking about getting his groove on and I want to see him move his groove thing.” Sara says and as she says “groove thing” she makes a wavy hand motion. Funny, I checked the national Sign language dictionary and the sign for Groove looks nothing like that. Sara is so stupid!
When the ladies all go outside they see a limo waiting for them and as they door opens all the girls scream out “Hiiii Chef!”. Feminists everywhere cringe. As the limo pulls away they honk the horn at Garrett and the blue crew. When Garrett hears that he turns around and flips them off which, like nipples, is blurred out. Because we all know if the impressionable youth of America got to see a finger and/or a stray areole, it mean’s the terrorists have won. And you don’t want the terrorists to win do you?
First up on the whirlwind night on the town is at a place called Providence (Free Buddy Cianci!). As they sit and have their appetizers Sara tells us that Gordon was a true gentlemen throughout. Cut to Sara at the restaurant cooing at Gordon “I’m batting my eyelids at you chef”. Goodness, how could Gordon resist that? Oh yeah, it probably has something to do with last episode when Sara fired off a rancid pant stainer that made Gordon gag. Sara’s flirting doesn’t sit well with Virginia. After she gives her a few dirty looks she assures us in a diary interview that Sara is not the same caliber as her. Meow.
As the Blue team continues to work the delivery service, the red team and Gordon them move onto their next restaurant. They are going to Nick and Stef’s Steak House for their entrée. At dinner the owner stops by and Virginia brings out her second biggest assert. Her gift of gab. “What’s the one key thing that you can honestly say, like right when you can think of it, like what have you learned now that you haven’t known then that kind of..” and on and on. Even Gordon gives her an exasperated look. Imagine the pillow talk her husband must have to endure with her.
The next morning Gordon gets them all up bright and early. Before he gets to the nights meal service he has some unfinished business with Garrett. “Last night you gave me one of these” at which point we get Gordon’s blurred hand appear. What? A Pez dispenser? Did Garrett give him his Chewbacca Pez dispenser? Or maybe a pen? Oh wait that’s right. The middle finger! I would just like to say, whatever FOX is paying the guy who is in charge of blurring stuff out, it’s not enough. The man is getting quite a workout on this show.
Tonight’s dinner service will include an added challenge. It is up to them to create their own menus. Sara recommends a rack of lamb saying that she is s good at making it, it got her fired from her last job. On the girls side Virginia once again takes control of the deliberations and starts to get a little catty. When Mirabel says “can I just say something”, Virginia snaps back “No!”.
On the guys side things aren’t going any better. Garrett has an idea for Lobster Wellington. That’s right, Lobster cooked inside a pastry. Listen pal, that may be how they cook lobsters up at Joliet, but this is Hell’s F’in Kitchen, a’ight? Keep that low rent shit to yourself. When Garrett’s brilliant plan of cooking lobster inside a pile of flour gets shot down, he then starts to do what every guy I ever walked up to in prison does. Cry like a little bitch. This is the point in the show when we find out that the prison Garrett actually served time in was the Whiny Titty Baby Federal Prison located in Sissy Springs Arkansas.
After the prep is done Gordon comes in and tells them that the service is about to begin, and each diner will be given the opportunity to order from either the blue or red menu’s. The red team decides on a tuna and hamachi sashimi appetizer and a Colorado rack of lamb as their entrée. The blue team goes with steak and a peach tarte tatin for desert. Really? A Steak? We finally get to unleash Garrett’s beast and he decides to cook a steak?
As the dinner service starts K-Grease is able to get his first risottos out without Gordon sending them back. This makes K-grease so happy he refers to himself in the third person twice within the span of 8 seconds. But in the red kitchen Virginia tries to send Gordon raw scallops. Apparently she never saw the episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares when he ate rancid scallops and ended up puking his guts out on national TV. Gordon doesn’t like bad scallops.
After Sara is again perplexed that her backstabbing ass isn’t allowed to help, Gordon asks Virginia how long until her sashimi is ready. Virginia freezes and tells him that she “needs a moment to collect my thoughts before answering”. Go ahead Virginia take your time. Perhaps you can write those thoughts down on your Hello Kitty diary before telling Gordon. It doesn’t get better as her sashimi appetizers keep piling up. That’s right, they are so inept they are having trouble serving an appetizer of raw fish.
When they finally get through the appetizer service, the blue team is forced to go outside and unload more stuff from the truck. A reality show artifice to be sure, but it creates a lot of blurred out swearing from the blue team so I have no problem with it.
With the blue team off chugging boxes it gives the red team a chance to catch up and move on to their entrees. Sara then displays her lamb awesomeness by giving Gordon lamb that is cut to thin and falling apart. When Gordon starts to ask her in that exasperated voice “What are you dong with the lamb?” “I’m learning chef.” She responds. Then we cut to the blue flashback of Sara talking about how she is the lamb queen.
Back in the blue kitchen they are finally getting started on their entrees, although Garrett needs some hands on help from Gordon. In the red Kitchen Sara’s lambs are not being served and Gordon starts to scream at her. Sara asking “where was my team jumping and helping me cook lamb?” This is the part of the show where the villain gets her comeuppance.
With the blue kitchen so behind this leads our tables with blue and red menu selections being served before the blue ones. This causes our out of work actors/diners to go into overdrive in shock and horror. One guy complains to Jean Philippe asking “what is youre name sir? John Phillip?” No, it’s Jean Philippe you jackass, now shut your bad out of work screenwriting ass up and sit there until they bring out your free food. Yes its late. It’s Hell’s Kitchen douche bag. The reality show where Gordon Ramsay yells at aspiring chefs and shuts down the kitchen every night before people get served. Stop acting like you didn’t know that.
Sara is so bad at her lamb that after an hour with none going out Gordon tells Jean Philippe to take it off the menu. This puts pressure on Mirabel on the fish station and she starts to send out raw uncooked fish. While the red kitchen continues to flounder, the blue team ends up finishing their entire service. For the first time in the history of season two of Hell’s Kitchen.
The red team however is still floundering with the salmon. (Flounder. Salmon. Get it?). When Gordon complains about Sara’s bad salmon cooking design of rolling it and tying it into strings, Sara comes back with “consistency?” A reference to what the chef at the steakhouse told them earlier. This sets Gordon off telling her to get her “C’mre you fat mouthed little bleepity bleep bleep” over here. Gordon is so pissed that he pulls the blue team, who have completed their service, to come over and help them finish their service.
Now that the service is done Ramsay brings them all out to the chopping block. It’s pretty obvious that the red team is the losing one so he goes right to business. He has them go back and have each of them nominate one person from their team.
Back at the Hell’s apartments, Sara is going into overtime to try and deflect blame. “I haven’t cooked meat in years” is her new excuse. Then she tells us that she is convinced their really are WMD’s in Iraq and it’s only a matter of time before we find them. The blue team is eating it all up. Heather is thrilled that “the bitch is going down”. AH yes, but since she’s the villain of the show, they usually don’t go down so easily.
When they go back outside before Gordon he tells them he doesn’t even want to what their nominees. He wants them all to step forward. When Sara speaks she shifts the blame on Virginia and when Virginia speaks she shifts it back onto Sara. Then Gordon starts ripping On Mirabel who let herself get pushed around and didn’t assert herself.
Gordon then drops the bomb. The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is…. Mirabel. See? I told ya. Villains never go down easily. The witch lives for another day.
What did everyone else think? They glad Sara is still around? Are you sick of bad boob jokes?