Hell’s Kitchen: Orcas and Dolphins and A$$#*%#$ OH MY!

Viewer discretion is advised.

As the remaining contestants head back to the dorms we gotta hear them bitch. Old Fran is bound and determined to prove herself. The dudes all think that she’s next to go because she doesn’t have the KNOWLEDGE!!! Yes, she does not possess the mystical Hell’s Kitchen torture-resistance knowledge!!

dio de los droopy dog

Bright and early the next morning they have a taste of a fancy dancy dish that Gordon Ramsay microwaved himself! Truly, he warmed up a microwave dinner and made them taste it. He got them to say how delicious and tender and how it melts in your mouth, etc. etc. G-Ram is laughing under his breath as he listens to their complements. They are full of such sh*t!

“Dare me to eat this?”

He breaks the news to them and they are all shocked. BlueJay tries to save face by inserting that he was pretty sure that the chicken didn’t taste right! Too little too late and no one cares anyway. G-Ram’s micro meal was just an appetizer for their real challenge: THE TASTE TEST!! Old Fran is confident that she has a great palette, she’s going to prove herself! We are starting to think she doesn’t know what that expression means. She goes first and puts on the sound proof ear muffs and a blindfold. She proceeds to stick out her nasty ass old tongue. Even G-Ram is horrified, and he works on that show Kitchen Nightmare, so he sees a lot of gross sh*t! It was gross though, it looked like the triceratops’s tongue from Jurassic Park. You know the one that’s dying from eating poison berries and there are huge lesions on it’s tongue? That’s what Old Fran’s taste testing reminded me of.

“Here comes the airplane into the dork hangar.”

At the end of the day, Old Fran proved herself useless because she didn’t identify any of the 4 items that were spoon fed to her. None of the contestants did very well, but Fran did the worst. We are confused as to why all of these contestants think they have a great palette anyway, they all chain smoke. Isn’t that supposed to affect your taste buds?

Kids into the basement it’s a flip off tornado!!

So because of Old Fran the red team loses. Of course. They should just change the name of this show to “Make Gross Old People Clean Stuff.” Berry & I would recap that! Their punishment is unloading ice. Tons and tons of ice. Ice in Hell’s Kitchen!?! Unbelievable.

The blue team’s reward is a trip to Sea World: Home of the murderin’ killer whale. They will also be swimming with……no not the murderin’ killer whale, DOLPHINS! Jason is way way too excited to swim with dolphins and let’s a little of his inner Aquaman out, “That’s what I’m talking about! Swimming with the dolphins, slap five with the whales, holla at the seals. You know my people in the water. Ah! I love you.” That’s verbatim!

At Sea World the blues meet a team of orcas who spin and do tricks and nod their heads and stuff. They may be smarter than the contestants. I wonder if you can train them to prepare a lamb wellington? I bet they could learn but they’d end up eating the customers. It’s just their natural instinct. Jason likes the whales so much he got a stuffed animal one and brought it into the confessional booth. He probably will snuggle with it later.

They get to the dolphin swimming part and Autumn is freaked out. She’s just jealous cuz the boy’s lustful eyes have turned their attention to that silky smooth bottle-nose. Right at the end the dolphin jumps in and splashes them all in the face, Jason was super pissed! He actually tried to splash the dolphin back! LOL!!

“Note to self: don’t stick face in blowhole.”

When the blues return, both teams receive mystery packages! Oooo….We love packages!! This is going to be soooo exciting! Berry & I just love surprise packages especially from the Popcorn Factory!! They start to open the package…..WHAT CAN IT BE!?! It’s…..It’s…….a giant sketch pad and instructions to come up with their own menu to serve for the next dinner service. Hmmm….not as good as cheese popcorn or a cookie bouquet. Actually it was probably that G-Ram’s wife wouldn’t let him leave the house so he had to FedEx them their next challenge. The teams hunker down to create their menu. The reds are battling as usual. Benjadork and Nilka can’t agree on ANYTHING just to spite the other. Benjadork starts shooting down all the other people’s ideas. Nilka suggests rice. Ben replies that he’s not into serving rice in resataruants becasue, “rice is like poor food.” I didn’t realize Benjadork was so upscale! Oh, because he’s not. He’s an idiot. The blues agree to keep their menu super simple and seem to be working together beautifully.

“How about for our menu…a bit of MAGIC!!!!”

Now the teams have to prepare their menus for G-Ram’s inspection. He hates all the reds’ dishes except for Sexi Holli’s super sweet desserts, which do look AMAZING!!! BERRY!! RUN YOUR ASS TO 7-11 AND GET MAMA SOME CRUMBLE DONUTS!!

G-Ram is NOT impressed with the spinach salad that BlueJay was fluffing himself over, “If I was a $%$% rabbit I’d be #$%$%^ wetting myself, that’s a joke.” He hates the blue team’s menu worse because he said it’s too easy. Before the restaurant opens the blue team adjusts their menu, the red team does not per Benjadork’s instructions.

The customers have the choice of which kitchen they’ll be ordering from. Benjadork makes undercooked pasta. He doesn’t talk to anyone because he thinks he’s better than everyone. He doesn’t want anyone to help him. Nilka sorta tries to help him and he pushes her off the station. The red ladies are acting like he’s crying and they don’t know if they should console him. They take a step towards him and a step back, look at each other, shrug. Nothing gets accomplished.

“You’re not #$%$ touching it enough!! Manhandle it more! “

The customers are all ordering blue dishes! The red menu must look pretty nasty, cuz those customers look like they’d eat ANYTHING!

“May I have an extra plate for my cleavage?”

G-Ram kicks Autumn out for putting up raw pork. Not cool! That shit will give you brain worms girl! (Berry knows that first hand.) Oh wait, he didn’t really kick her out, she just has to go apologize to the customers. Nilka screws up next, she is not cooking the asparagus properly. Meanwhile, Jason can’t cook bacon.

G-Ram is FIERCE TONIGHT! He is calling everyone out DAMN! It’s like there was a memo in his dressing room that said: $20 says you can’t make someone kill themselves tonight. G-Ram NEVER turns down a bet. It’s worked too because Old Fran got pissed cuz no “one called it” and then she went insane. Eye rolling and cursing and pushing. Call an exorcist before she tries to taste test someone!!

“O RLY?”

G-Ram directs his attention to Autumn and her non-chalant attitude. He flips out on her and says she’s too casual for his culinary taste. BlueJay tries to be clever by listing the reasons Autumn sucks, but he doesn’t really have a list. He just keeps saying that she sucks in list form. Someone tell him that his comedy is as tragic as his hair.

“No, YOU go f*%$ my wife!”

Old Fran gets called into the pantry to talk about her raw breasts. Gross. “I got chicken on the brain.” Now we all do, thanks for that.

Berry just realized that this show is like CIA training. Trying to break you to see what your breaking point is. Just for the hell of it. It serves no greater purpose. Exactly like the CIA. Benjadork is kissing Sexi Holli’s ass cuz he’s cocky enough to think he can get some of her delicioius dessert. Job completed. “Switch off!!!!!”

Both teams have to elect one person to be presented on the sacrificial chopping block. Send virgins only. So…Benjadork and BlueJay get up there!

The password is “Cuddle.”

The teams discuss their options. Nilka and Old Fran get in a screaming fight over communication. Benjadork has had enough, “I never had a problem working with girls and now I do, I’m done.” Glad that Hell’s Kitchen can reinvigorate sexism for all y’all. The blues elects Autumn for holding them back. Reds elects……..Old Fran. Duh. If she doesn’t get eliminated…………

G-Ram is looking more and more like John C. Reilly. He says that Autumn is out of her depth and that she is an embarrassment to the blue team.

“Get the $#$% out ya dingus!”

“Both of you..take off your $%#$% jackets.” Old Fran gets the boot first. She slowly and sadly exits. Yay!! Now I’m the only Fran in the equation!! Hurray I win! I lasted longer that Old Fran!!! Thank you, thank you, I will be accepting popcorn and cookie bouquets.

“Don’t ever ask me about my business.”

G-Ram takes Autumn’s jacket and tells her to get her fine ass back on the red team. She is SOBBING. “Gordon Ramsay the merciful pardoned me!!” Benjadork is thrilled that Old Fran is gone. We don’t like it when he’s thrilled. He gets all wound up like an autistic kid by the microwave.

The blue team is happy because they have, “3 Solid Guys and we’re gonna cook fast and hard.” Sounds like a Rent-a-Boy ad.

As usual, that episode was just an appetizer for the main event! So, hope y’all are ready for the most dramatic episode of the season! Cuz it’s about to get recapped. Here and now!

Episode 10!!!!!!!!

They are all still filing out of the elimination chamber, G-Ram stage whispers at Autumn, “show me what you got.” Show him girl! Maybe he’ll throw some mardi-gras beads atcha. Autumn is so happy to be back in the red kitchen. She is so so so happy. Benjadork says he’s going to shoot himself in the head if they lose. Fingers crossed that they lose. OMG Berry! Are we cyber bullies!? We are! AHHH!!! That just occurred to me. Hahaha, payback time……? I guess I don’t have anyone who bullied me to snarkily payback, bummer. I went to high school with Mercedes from Top Model Season 2, but she was always super sweet. Dammit I have all this power! I guess I’ll have to take it out on these schmuks. Back to Hell’s Kitch.

“The Gordon Ramsay Duplicator is a success!!”

The next morning…..The early bird gets the 10lb lobster! G-Ram keeps calling it “a 10lb baby.” The blue team’s is named Salvatore. The red team’s is named Siobhan. Creepy. Nilka is excited because she “KNOWS HOW TO COOK LOBSTER!!!” Let’s hope so, because so far she can’t cook chicken, asparagus, and potatoes.

They have to divy up the 10lb lobster so each of them can use a portion in their own creative lobster dish. Jason is informing us that he’s really a better chef than the guys think but he’s been laying low and now is the time to emerge. Wow, Jason is a fantastic actor as well as brilliant chef!? Who knew? Maybe that dolphin did. They are very smart. And oh so smooth. Ed is nervous that his lobster is too rubbery but Jason reassures him that it’s fine.

BlueJay is being dickish, surprise surprise. Nilka and Benjadork are fighting like cats and dogs. He screws her over by insisting on cutting the meat and giving her the shaft piece. Since the red team has more than the blue team they all tell Nilka that her dish has to sit out. There are special guest judges today that are not related to the Ramsay family. They are Michelin star chefs, which is apparently very prestigious and awe worthy.

G-Ram’s next show: Kitchen Day Dreamin’

Sexi Holli goes against Ed. Ed loses because his lobster is too rubbery. Damn, maybe Jason is a little stratego! Jason’s lobster looks like a giant dick. But the chef likes it like that so he gives Jason the point over Autumn. Her Georgia O’Keefe Stir Fry didn’t cut it. BlueJay vs. Ben. The voiceover robot dude builds it up like we should care about Benjadork’s, and it ends up being- meh. Bluejay tires to tell the chef how to properly eat the goop that he made. G-Ram calls him out for being an ass. Neither dish won. Thank God those dudes needed a good kick in the lobster dick.

LOBCOCK

Tie breaker is a point for Sexi Holli since her dish is so good.

“You like me! You really sort of like me!”

The Red team gets to pig out on caviar and then they each get $1000 for a shopping spree!! Not too shabby, it beats going to a 50′s diner like the last time they won. Jason is pissed because he likes to shop. He brags about how his shopping is causing marital trouble, “it’s a problem.” Yeah, you probably should begiven something that causes marital trouble.* (* read sarcastically)

The dudes punishment is to clean the dorms. Ed is getting tired of BlueJay’s cockyness. Finally, Ed has an opinion!! Drop the confetti!

“Yeah, carpool lane, baby!!”

The ladies are so freaking happy to be out of the kitchen. Nilka is screaming out of the car window. At the caviar place Sexi Holli is getting swept away by one of those Michelin Men chefs. She is batting her eyelashes and plumpin’ up her bosom. Girl even admits she’s trying to get laid. Laid down on a bed of caviar, and have champagne poured all over her, and then served table side by Jason. Autumn fascinates us with another fact about her, “Caviar is like one of my favorite foods.” Nilka is weired out cuz where’s the cheeseburgers?

On their shopping spree Nilka is gets funkay in some golden stretch pants. She dances around the store like a drunk with a footloose.

“Do these pants make my butt look too C-3PO?”

The red team returns and BlueJay once again notices that Sexi Holli is a pretty lady. He says that he would let her talk him out of his pants. No one’s surprised when your pants go down, it’s the other person’s pants that would be a surprise.

BlueJay the Riveter

The blue team is behind on their punishment and they haven’t prepped the blue kitchen at all yet. G-Ram announces that they are all moving into the red kitchen and it saves the blue team’s ass. The time crunch is that the customers have to go to the theater and they only have 2 1/2 hours to eat!!!! The show must go on!

“2 for Andrew Lloyd Weber Grill”

“Hell’s Kitchen has been taken over by theater goers.” The voiceover robot seems filled with resentment. Nilka is going to rock this sh*t out. By serving sh*t. Raw scallops to be precise. G-Ram screams, “start it like that I’m going to ride you all night, because my wife isn’t in this episode yeah?”

Play by play! (Read really fast and intense, it helps if you’re sweating a little.)

-Holli is making magic table side.

-Autumn is stepping up.

-The customers slowly eat food.

-Nilka drops the fish on the floor.

-Nilka throws fish on the floor?

-Nilka dropped something out of the oven.

-Nilka is freaking out.

-Mental breakdown in the pantry.

-BlueJay tries to insert himself ino the situation.

-Huge fire in the Ed Station.

-A fat dude is freaking out that he needs nurishment.

“I ate JP!!!!!”

-G-Ram wants Jason to be more vocal.

-Jason is pretty sure that G-Ram thinks that he’s the leader he’s looking for.

-Nilka is fumbilng and bumbling.

-Nilka continues to lose her mind. So much raw food! So much! She is outta there!

G-Ram, “GET OUT! MA’ADAM take your jacket off and $%#$%#$%#!”

Nilka, ” Please! Please! Chef don’t say that please don’t say that.”

Sh*t just got intense! With Nilka gone the kitchen gets- whoa wait Nilka is back! She’s just milling around in the kitchen deliriously. She is acting like a homeless drunk person at church. Stumbling around up front by the altar saying, “I can do this I can do this.” G-Ram is screaming she runs out and punches the yellow punching bag thing.

The remaining chefs hustle and bustle to get the rest out. Ed says that after Nilka left they figured it out. The diners are off to the theata! Wait a minute they are in LA, what “theater” are they going to? Nilka packs up, G-Ram is waiting for her by a taxi to give her a goodbye kiss. They hug and softly breath on each other’s necks. He tells her to leave with her head up high. Because she is truly amazing, but it’s not meant to be.

“Remember, what happens in Hell’s Kitchen, STAYS in Hell’s Kitchen…….until it airs.”

Back in the kitchen G-Ram says that Jason came out of his shell. Maybe the splayed out lob-cock from the beginning was a metaphor. He sends them to the dorms and two people have to be put up for choppin’. Autumn is trys to call out Jason and he gets way too defensive. So defensive I’m surprised he didn’t just blurt out something horrific that he’d done. Like accidentally pushing his mom down a flight of stairs when he was 16. Or something of that nature. Ed and Autumn end up on the choppin’ block. Then they have to make-out for their lives! JK. G-Ram screams for Ed to take his $%$%#$ jacket off!! Because he’ll be needing to trade it in for a black one since he made the final 6. Ed and Autumn are not eliminated and cherubs rejoice! All six of them squeal with delight and dawn their black jackets.

Final 6= 1 dynamic team. Autumn ruins that notion, “six people, time to bring out the claws!” Great we can’t wait to see what a bitch you can be!

Also this was overheard, “I’m not being arrogant, but I promise you I’m going to win.” -Jason

Next week an army of zombie chefs attack and everyone gets their hair done! (BlueJay is Blue again giffordsaz)

“BRAINS BRAINS……NONE HERE……LET’S GO TO TOP CHEF!!!!!!”