Winner of Hell’s Kitchen Revealed!

Pop some bubbly and saddle up a donkey, the winner of Hell’s Kitchen 2 has been crowned! Yes, last night was the big season finale for the Gordon Ramsay extravaganza, and it was down to either “salad chef” Virginia or line chef Heather. They each had their advantages. Heather had experience. Virginia had a palate. Heather had a work ethic. Virginia had breasts. As you can imagine, anything could happen, and at the end of the day, with the welcome return of K-Grease, Tom, and GIACAMO!!!!, one could say that all hell (get it?) broke loose. Of course, just because one could say that doesn’t mean we actually have to. Truth of that matter was that this two-hour finale was surprisingly soft on memorable moments. No insane barking by G-Ram, no pumpkin-wanting diners, and no major injuries, save an overhyped paper cut on behalf of Tom. Still, we were guessing and second-guessing ourselves all the way to the final decision, and that’s got to count for something.The big two hour bonanza began with the narrator telling us, “And now the CONCLUSION of Hell’s Kitchen.” That’s right. This ain’t no continuation. It’s the end, baby! Although, technically, it is the continuation. It can be the continuation and conclusion, right? Perhaps the narrator would have been better off saying, “And now the continuation AND conclusion of Hell’s Kitchen.” Or they could just scrap the line entirely. Anyway, Virginia and Heather, having just learned that they’d be the final two, returned to their oppressive dorms where they celebrated via impish dancing. The joy transformed to full-fledged mirth when none other than the girls’ families walked through the door. I was personally surprised to see that Virginia was greeted by her mother and her husband (as in Virginia’s husband, not her mom’s husband). Who knew that after all her wantonly flirting that she was actually betrothed to a man all along. A shocker!

Heather, however, had no such man in her life. Yes, the old spinster was greeted by ma and pa, two nicely dressed people who couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable. Nevertheless, they were happy to see their bawling daughter who proudly told them, “I have so many good friends now.”

“That’s nice,” said her mom, clearly not caring about the social status of her daughter’s social circle. I wonder if this was Heather’s way of warming them up for the inevitable, “I’ve decided to get a civil union with Rachel. She’s already pregnant with David Crosby’s seed.”

Well, soon Heather’s dad began to cry, and then Heather began to cry, and then the camera man started to cry, and then I started to cry, and then my landlord started to cry. Everyone was crying (okay, I wasn’t crying… And the fact that I can tell that you don’t believe me disturbs me greatly). Alas, it was time to move onto other things, and the narrator provided the perfect, puntacular transition: “After the short reprieve from the hell that is Hell’s Kitchen…” Get it? The HELL that is Hell’s Kitchen? He said “Hell” twice! Hilario!

We then moved forward to the next morning as the girls woke up, and Holy Thigh Exposure, Batman! Virginia had some pretty skimpy undies on! Good thing Rachel wasn’t around, if you catch my blatant, lesbian drift. Heather then told us that the final challenge will all come down to service. Virginia sucks at service, and compared to Heather, she had no chance. This may have been all well and good, but could Heather kick a punching bag? Because that’s what we saw Virginia randomly doing, and clearly, when it comes to running a restaurant, it’s all about the muay thai skills.

Gordon then summoned the ladies out to the restaurant, and when they walked out, what did they find? A fake press conference! Yay! “Due to the notoriety of Gordon Ramsay and Hell’s Kitchen, the entertainment press has turned out in droves to meet this year’s finalists,” the narrator said. And by “press,” he meant “a bunch of actors they found off Craigslist. Oh, and the Reality Remix crew.” Why look, there was Not Access Hollywood and Not Entertainment Tonight and Not Extra! The stars were out tonight!

The reporters soon got to work hammering the young chefs with questions. One person asked Virginia how she would deal with her husband if she won and had to move to Vegas. The breasty chef replied that the old ball and chain also was a cook and that she’d hired him for the restaurant. This caused everyone to giggle, with Gordon adding a worrisome, “Oh dear.” It was like the most sitcom-y moment of the entire series.

Anyway, the news conference went on a little longer, and then there was time for only one more question. And who would be asking that question? None other than Real World/Road Rules Challenge vet, Mark Long!

Now, what would Mark be doing in Hell’s Kitchen, you ask? Surely there’s nothing he could punch/hook up with there, right? Well, he’s actually a correspondent for Reality Remix, and he wanted to know what the chefs have been doing in their off-time when they weren’t busy getting berated by Ramsay. Funny you should (have been told to) ask, Mark. Turns out the gals have been practicing an idiotic dance routine. Before we knew it, they were in front of the press, hoofing it up and making total fools of themselves. When it was over, we then heard the sound of warm applause, which was amusing since no one was actually applauding (props to the SFX department!).

Ramsay then addressed the press with one last remark: “I can confirm that one of these two will be the winner of Hell’s Kitchen.” Oh really? Well, that’s GREAT. Nothing says “scoop” like revealing that a finalist might actually win something! Since when does that happen?!

Then, like last year, a curtain dropped, dividing the dining room in half. Yes, each chef would have her own restaurant to design, prepare, and run. Game on!

We then had our first commercial break, which featured a promo for Celebrity Duets — a show that looks so awful, and yet, so on my weekly viewing list. When we returned, we learned that Virginia would reign over the blue kitchen, Heather over the red. “I’m in the red kitchen,” Heather said, adding, “And red is where I coooooome froooom!” Shut up, H-Grease.

Virginia then had a moment of pure articulation as she said, “I am beyond excited. Heather’s excited, and I’m so excited that she’s so excited, and we’re both excited!” She then added, “Plus, my left boob is crazy excited too. More excited than my right boob, which says a lot because my right boob is really excited. Did I mention that I’m excited?”

The girls then met with designers to plan out the looks of their restaurant spaces, and as long as they didn’t try to emulate Ralph’s ill-advised family steakhouse/art-deco/total crap decor from last season, I couldn’t imagine that they’d fare too badly. Gordon then assigned a sous chef to each finalist. Heather got dreamboat Scott while Virginia was left with tough-as-nails Mary Ann. “I’ll try not to burn her or cut her,” Virginia said — because apparently, it’s normal for her to burn or cut Mary Ann. No wonder why she always looks so agitated.

But back to designing. Heather had a simple vision for her restaurant. She basically wanted it to be the Lillith Fair of dining. She wanted three picture frames of women cooking to adorn the walls. But the designers had a better idea. What about a video wall of women cooking? A video wall? How very MOMA!

Virginia on the other hand preferred more subtlety in her sapphic imagery. She merely wanted to erect a giant waterfall. No problemo, right? She also wanted a mature, sexy dining room, as opposed to Heather who wanted a family style (oddly enough, Heather also wanted the waitresses to wear miniskirts, but I guess if Hooters counts as family dining, anything goes, right?). When it came to uniforms, Virginia wanted her servers to sport dark, sleek uniforms. She also wanted them to be ghosts. Dark ghosts, I guess. Okay, none of this really made any sense, and it really didn’t have anything to do with cooking or the outcome of anything; so I’ll just move on.

Next, the women had to decide on their signature dish. Heather said she wanted to do a white fish, noting, “The food is all going to be reflecting on the person I am: very vibrant, very colorful, outgoing.” Yes. Just like white fish… Because when I think of vibrancy and color, I think of white fish. And saltines. They’re both very exciting cuisines!

Gordon then told the women, “There is some (pained pause) other (another pained pause) very important business we need to take care of.” Gosh, what’s up with all the dramatic pauses? Was he going to have them kill K-Grease? This was all sounding very awkward. We then sat through an interminable commercial break, and when we returned, we learned that Gordon’s news was actually quite good. There were all heading to Vegas! This caused Heather to laugh like maniacal woman on nitrous oxide. Bitch needed to calm down. It was as if Gordon had told her, “You will be meeting the Indigo Girls. AND Jill Sobule.”

Anyway, the gang headed to Sin City, specifically the Green Valley Ranch (home of American Casino). It was now time for a challenge. Each chef would have to cook up samples of their signature dish and pass them out to random passers-by. Whoever was most popular would win. This meant it would be a battle of Virginia’s stuffed chicken vs. Heather’s sea-bass. Who’s cuisine would reign supreme???

Well, after catching some snazzy promotional footage of the Green Valley Ranch, we then commenced the taste test. The first guy up was just some plain dude from Middle America. He was then followed by — va-va-vavoom! — a random, breasty Playmate who sauntered into frame as if we wouldn’t happen to notice her carport-sized bosom.

Anyway, Heather’s bass took an early lead, and Virginia’s patented people skills seemed to be failing her — one guy even refused to slap her five. But then the chicken fans came out in force, and Virginia took a lead, 10 to 9. With one last person left, it was Heather’s chance to tie things up. And survey says… the seabass! We have a tie! Time for sudden death overtime! Gordon summoned over some douchebag guy in a hoodie and had him sample both dishes. His final answer was… COMMERCIAL! Dammit! They always do that!

Five minutes later, we returned to the Green Valley Ranch (or GVR, as the cool people call it). The dude in the hoodie weighed both options and in the end he chose… the chicken! Virginia wins again! Yay! Okay, um, now what?

Gordon then told the girls to go up to the roof — he had something to show them: more file footage of Vegas! Okay, he didn’t want to show them that (even though that’s what WE saw). He wanted to show the ladies two tickets to London because he had invited both of them to dine at his restaurant. Aww, so sweet. It’s like he had just yelled “DONKEY!!!” but in the most caring, loving way ever.

The girls then returned to Hell’s Kitchen at around 2:30 that morning, and the designers and contractors were still busy at work. Virginia learned that her water wall might not work, and her plumb shade might be too dark! Oh, and Heather might not be able to get all her booths upholstered! What might happen? Not much. The girls just shrugged it off and basically said, “Just do what you can do.” They then went to sleep, and the next morning, with only twelve hours until their restaurants opened, an ominous presence was felt in Hell’s Kitchen. Yes, the old ghosts of yesteryear were returning: K-Grease, Tom, Garrett, GIACOMO, Rachel, Sara. ‘Twas the beginning of the end. Unsurprisingly, Heather leapt into Rachel’s strong, sturdy, but gentle arms. It was like watching the most triumphant LPGA tour moment of all time.

“Anyone for softball?”

K-Grease, meanwhile, won over everyone with his undeniable charm by yelling, “Yo! Breakfast, bitches!” Hey, that’s just how he rolls.

Later, the entire group marched into the restaurant where they met Gordon. “Think you can open Hell’s Kitchen without K-Grease?” Keith asked Gordon, causing chuckles all around. Oh K-Grease. You are a pistol! A fat, oily, unkempt pistol!

Amusingly enough, Gordon actually flashed the K-Grease gang symbols, which would normally be enough to cause a douchebag turf war, but luckily, no such melees ensued. Then Ramsay instructors the ladies to pick their teams. Since Virginia had won the Green Valley Ranch challenge, she could choose first. She selected Keith, who was not happy to be separated from his dearest Heather.

Heather, on the other hand, chose Rachel (surprise, surprise), and then for Virginia’s second pick, she chose… Tom? TOM? Yes, Tom. The same guy who happily sweat his manjuice into a pot of tomato sauce. No one could believe it, especially G-Ram who let out a small, “Wow.” Only a DONKEY would choose Tom!

Well, Heather then chose Sara, which left just Garrett and Giacomo in the running. And who did Virginia pick? You know, just the second-most useless chef: GIACOMO!!! Could she have a more retarded team? What was she thinking? Nevertheless, by default, Garrett joined Heather’s team, and then it was time for the chefs to inspire their teams. For Virginia, that meant pretty much insulting them to their faces.

That’s a lovely zip-up sweater, Mr. Scissorhands.

“I wanted to pick people that everybody was weak and see what I could do with you guys,” she said, earning the rolled-eyes and scoffs of her boys. She then noted that she also took K-Grease on to help out if the crappy guys turned out to be, you know, crappy. Sounds like a great plan! Here’s an idea: how about you just pick the good chefs from now on? I mean, the Bad News Bears angle is fun, but pretty much also the dumbest thing in the entire world. It’s like an NFL manager drafting me, just because he’d like to see what sort of output he could get out of me (which is not much. Please stop calling, Mr. Parcells).

Well, K-Grease told Virginia that he was not about to work for her until he got some cold hard cash. I mean, what would his motivation have been? I personally thought he was probably joking, but the producers treated it as if he were truly throwing down the gauntlet. And with that, it was time for another commercial! When we returned, we sat through a nifty recap of the first hour, and then the narrator told us, “And now, the conclusion of Hell’s Kitchen.” Wait, that’s what he said before. Shouldn’t it be “the continuation of the conclusion”? Or “the conclusion of the conclusion”? This narration is screwing me up tonight, I say! Screwing me up!

Anyway, we returned to the courtyard where K-Grease had just demanded money for his Sloth-like services. Virginia caved and said she’d give each of the guys a thousand dollars if she were to win (again, I think she was joking, but whatevs). Either way, Tom was psyched because as he was proud to mention, he didn’t have a job. You know, on account of his excessive sweating and general stupidity.

Burp personified.

Later, the chefs and their teams hit the kitchens and began to prep. Everything seemed to be going fine, but wait! Albie the designer needed to talk to Heather! Big, big problem! The booths didn’t fit in the alloted space! OH NO! Luckily, Heather had the brilliant idea of cutting down the booth a little bit. GENIUS! Disaster averted! We can all let out a sigh of relief now.

Meanwhile, Virginia had her own design problems. That nefarious water wall might not be ready in time for dinner. Dunh dunh dunh!!! We then went to another commercial break, during which I hummed “And maybe / you’re gonna be the one that saves me. And after all / you’re my water wall…”

When we returned, the narrator told us, “Both dining rooms are way behind schedule, especially Virginia’s water walls.” Was it me, or did the phrase “Virginia’s water walls” sound highly suggestive? Like the sort of thing that might get Rachel and Heather all hot and bothered. Anyway, at long last, we finally learned the evening’s menus. Heather’s appetizers would be a vegetable soup, Asian chicken salad, and a goat cheese tart. Her entrees were mushroom ravioli, New York steak, and Chilean sea bass. And lastly, her desserts were a chocolate empanada, cheese and crackers (or a cheese plate as most non-elementary school restaurants call it), and bread pudding. Shockingly, when Ramsay tasted all the dishes, he called Heather’s seabass boring. What?? But it’s white fish! The most exciting sort of fish of the sea!

Meanwhile, Virginia had a slightly more adventurous menu. Her appetizers were pan seared scallops, foie gras, and jalapeño tortellini. The entrees were a chicken roulade, red snapper, and braised short ribs. Lastly, for dessert, she had chocolate truffles, fruit churros, and a good old fashioned ice cream sundae — the pinnacle of challenging cuisine. Personally, I liked Virginia’s menu more, and I would have wanted to be in her restaurant. But then again, I’m not sure if I could have stomached it, knowing that Tom’s flop sweat could be bubbling in my foie gras.

Gordon then compared the two chefs, saying that Virginia was an “out there” Californian whereas Heather was a “hard-ass” New Yorker. While we reeled from this insightful observation, we then headed out to the dining room where the workers were still trying to get the water wall to flow. Wouldn’t it be crazy if they got it to work just at the very last second? That would never happen on a reality show!

Anyway, Heather took Gordon on a tour of her restaurant, which came equipped with quite possibly the most narcissistic display I’ve ever seen at an eatery. Not only were there flat-screen TVs along each wall displaying Heather in the kitchen, but there was also a giant wall — a video wall, if you will — that proudly displayed the chef. Excessive was a word that came to mind. It was as if the entire dining room was screaming “I AM HEATHER! HEAR ME ROAR!!!”

Even worse than all the video footage of Heather was random graffiti that adorned the pillars. Yes, Heather had requested portions of the wall to be covered in dry-erase board so that people could write little messages like “Heather cooks hot food!” and “HK = Heather’s Kitchen” and “Lick my balls, Heather” and “For a good time, call 555-KGREASE.” Unsurprisingly, Gordon was not a fan of this feature, you know, because it looked absolutely idiotic. I mean, this was Ralph level.

On the other side of the restaurant, however, the designers had great new for Virginia: the water walls were working! Let the gushing begin! Virginia happily showed off her dining room, especially the water walls, and said, “The main theme is the desert and water and the desert sunset.” Okay, just because you have a jalapeno dish and a water fall does mean that you’ve transported us to Sedona. Let’s simmer down a bit, mmkay?

Well, Gordon complimented Virginia on her lighting scheme, and then it was time for a few final words of encouragement for both the finalists. He reminded them that they were each one dinner service away from winning and that they’ve both done a great job getting to where they were. That being said, he was going to be monitoring everything all night (unlike before?) to help him make his decision as to who would win. The girls then gathered their teams, did some last minute rallying, and performed one final cheer. In the case of Virginia that meant saying, “On the count of five, say ‘That my boy, Blu!’” It was kind of odd quoting Old School, and I couldn’t help wondering what movie Heather might quote. Probably some gender-bending Tilda Swinton film like Orlando. “On the count of three, say ‘Nothing thicker than a knife’s blade separates melancholy from happiness!!!’” Ah yes. Tilda Swinton/Virginia Woolf humor. Is there anything better?

Anyway, the battle was officially on. Virginia’s “Desert Oasis” vs. Heather’s “Urban Bistro.” Palate vs. work ethic. Water walls vs. narcissism. Who would win??? The narrator informed us that Hollywood with fermenting with anticipation (not true), and Tom added to the excitement by noting that since every squirrel eventually gets a nut, “Tonight’s the night that Tom Pauli finds a nut.” He will then sweat on that nut and accidentally drop it into the marinara sauce. But enough about Tom and his nuts — here come the diners!

Out of the gate, Heather’s team seemed to have lots of energy and enthusiasm. Virginia’s team, on the other hand, was a little off — not quite able to hear her properly at the hot plate. Gordon commented that the energy just wasn’t the same as Heather’s. Bad news for the breasty one. We then learned that unbeknownst to the chefs, the President of the Red Rock Resort, Scott Kreeger and his lovely wife Suzette, would be in the dining room, sampling the dishes. Let the competition begin!

Well, Heather’s team managed to get its appetizers out quickly, but Virginia, on the other hand, was slow. “I’m most nervous about idiots on the hot line screwing up my food,” she said. Yeah, I hope those idiots don’t screw it up for her. How did she wind up with those idiots anyway? Oh yeah. SHE PICKED THEM.

Anyway, Virginia’s sloth was due to her being a perfectionist and wanting to make sure the food going out was in its best possible state. This caused a backup at the hot plate, but as we soon learned, speed wasn’t the only thing that mattered. Turns out that Heather’s appetizers may have been a tad rushed. Some diners complained that they were not hot enough and lacking flavor. One person even sent back a dish. Might the salad chef be gaining an advantage? Possibly. Virginia told Giacomo to redo a salad he had botched, causing Gordon to compliment her on her aggressive quality control. Good donkey! But way to slow things down, GIACOMO!!!

Elsewhere in the blue kitchen, Tom bristled against Virginia’s leadership. “I don’t need anybody to get me psyched up to do my job,” he said. Clearly Tom has that inner-fire that needs no extra fueling. Why else would he be out of work at 43 after four different careers? That’s called drive and dedication, man!

Anyway, the blue kitchen continued to languish, thanks to GIACOMO!!!, who told us, “I was kind of being the biatch of the entire group.” As you should be, you curly-haired DONKEY. Luckily, Virginia delegated some of her plating to K-Grease (who was a resistant baby as usual) and suddenly, she began to close in on Heather.

Out in the dining room, Red Rock Scott wasn’t totally blown away by Virginia, saying her pasta was a little thick. On Heather’s side, however, a customer had nothing but raves for a soup. But then again, her friend panned one dish, saying “it’s like warm saltiness.” Yes, Heather. You just served jizz.

Back in the kitchen, Heather rode Sara’s ass, yelling, “This has to go perfect!” LY. PerfectLY. Adverbs, people! It’s basic grammar! If it made Heather feel any better (which it didn’t because she didn’t know about it), Red Rock Scott loved her steak, saying she sure knew how to cook a steak, that’s for sure! Technically, it wasn’t Heather cooking the steak, but that’s okay. Meanwhile, over on the blue team, Virginia was now cracking the whip on Tom, who once again displayed problems with authority, saying, “I don’t like being bossed around by a woman.” Other things he doesn’t like: LIVING IN 2006.

Well, call it some sort of distaff revenge, but just seconds after Tom had confessed his latest hatred towards female authority, he suddenly cut himself with a knife, yelping in pain. He ran his finger under the faucet, and all we could see was red blood running over his hand. Tasty! He then left the kitchen in search of a medic, which was probably for the best. Virginia’s kitchen most likely was better off with out him.

After the break, we learned that Heather was still way ahead on the entree count, and as for Tom, turns out his near-severing was merely just a flesh wound. Basically, it was just an oversized paper-cut. When Gordon saw this, he let out one of the groans of dismay — the kind that says, “Thank god I eliminated you weeks ago, you fat, bloody, fucking DONKEY!”

Gordon then happily introduced another animal into his kitchen lexicon. When Tom returned all hyperactively to his station all bandaged up, G-Ram scoffed, “No point running back there like a little rhinoceros!” Apparently, little rhinoceroses run around frenetically.

Out in the dining room, Scott sampled another Virginia dish and absolutely loved it. “Yeah, she did a great job. She’s back in the competition!” he said. Yeah, right. She may have won a lot of challenges, but this has been Heather’s to lose all season long. There’s no way that Virginia could win this, right?

Meanwhile, Tom continued to languish at his station, causing Gordon to become angrier (even though this wasn’t even a night for him to get angry). “I am what I am,” the little rhinoceros said, adding, “And I’m not a bad looking guy, really.” That’s patently untrue. I like to think of Tom as a descendent of Quazimodo — who incidentally was a better chef.

Well, in an effort to catch up with Heather, Virginia managed to push out all her entrees, but perhaps too quickly. She had served up a plate that was entirely too oily! Mon dieu! The diner returned his offending dish, hoping for a replacement offering of red snapper, but alas! There was none left! Virginia was out of fish! By the way, if that diner is ever caught eating at KFC, he should be slapped.

Over in the other kitchen, Heather was starting dessert, but more tragedy soon befell her line: Sara was mis-plating the empanadas! HORRORS! This evening was turning into a total disaster!!! Sara, however, couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. “I would say big deal, but that would probably land me a punch in the snot box,” she said. I sure hope she was referring to her nose — otherwise, I’d highly recommend her seeing a gynecologist STAT!

Back in the blue kitchen, Virginia learned that the people who were waiting for their red snapper simply wanted to skip the entrees now and move onto dessert. This could not be good for Virginia’s chances. I mean, these diners missed the bulk of their meal. Plus, up in the VIP section, Red Rock Scott was loving Heather’s bread pudding, calling it, “Phenomenal.” Yes, the odds were against Virginia, but to her credit, she did manage to execute a flawless “GIACOMO!!!,” so not all was lost. Plus, Scott did enjoy her hot fudge sundae. And let’s face it, only the finest chefs can pull that one off. I’m surprised, by the way, that Tom didn’t manage to cut, burn, or injure himself while making the sundae. Kudos to him.

Well, at last, dinner service came to an end. It was all over. Gordon assembled the teams in the kitchen and introduced Scott Kreeger to them all, saying he would use Scott’s opinions and the diners’ comments to help him come up with the winning decision. This was unlike last year when Gordon seemed to rely solely on the comment cards (mine included. Hahah. Suck it, RALPH! I ruined you!). Anyway, Scott praised both chefs, saying how he loved the sea bass and how Virginia’s braised short ribs were the best he’d ever had. Okay, I call bullshit on this. There’s no way that her short ribs were the best he’d ever had. They may have been very good, but let’s be honest. Both of these women were going to potentially be running his restaurant. Would he ever say anything less than a rave about them in front of America? No. I’m on to you, Scott.

By the way, Mr. Kreeger, if you’d like to prove me wrong and take us to dinner at the restaurant — perhaps throw in a comped stay at your new casino, I’d be more than happy to recant my statement. Just saying.

Anyway, after Scott Kreeger complimented the ladies, Virginia instinctively replied, “Thank you chef, er, I mean, thank you, Scott.” Smooth. Very smooth. Gordon then turned to the casino president and said, “Thank you, I appreciate that.” He then added, “NOW GET OUT OF HERE, YOU DONKEY!!!”

Well, the finalists then hugged all their teammates goodbye, and here’s a shocker, Heather began to bawl, especially when she said adieu to future life-partner Rachel. There wouldn’t be enough poetry readings to express their growing love and admiration.

Gordon, meanwhile, retired to his quarters where he deliberated about each girl. This led to many, many flashbacks, and over in the dorms, Heather and Virginia engaged in a lame bit of “You won!” “No, you won!” “No, for real, YOU won!” etc.

Finally, it was the moment we’d been waiting for. Gordon lined the ladies up by two doors. One would open. And one, as we remember so fondly from last year, would remain stubbornly closed. Before the chefs turned the knobs, however, Gordon had a few last words. He told Heather that she had matured greatly. He told Virginia that she had a gift with a her palate (a.k.a. her massive breasts). Ultimately, there was a very, very slight edge in the comment cards, thus making this one of the most difficult decisions Gordon’s ever had to make! And I’m sure he won’t be saying the very same thing next season!

And now. Time to open the doors. But first! We had to listen to each finalist say one last thing to us. “I think I’m going to win,” Virginia said. “It’s like how do you know you’re in love? You just know.” So if she loses, does that mean she doesn’t love her husband? Meanwhile, Heather noted, “If I don’t win Vegas, I will be heartbroken.” Hmmm… Virginia’s comment was slightly cocky. Heather’s less so. If my reality sense is worth anything, I’d have to say that Heather had this in the bag (her lack of not sucking on the line also helps).

Well, it was time for the big reveal. On the count of three, the girls would turn the handles. 1… 2… 3… COMMERCIAL!

Okay, we all knew that had to happen. It’s just the Hell’s Kitchen way. Fast forward five minutes, and we were back to the doors. 1… 2… 3… and HEATHER WINS! Huzzah! The best part of this should have been watching her cry with joy and shock and delight and every other emotion. But it’s all about the loser who gets stuck at the lame door that doesn’t open. Oh, that’s harsh.

Anyway, Heather descended the staircase down to where her family and friends and everyone else waited for her. Gordon, meanwhile, gave Virginia a little pep talk, saying, “You have nothing ever to be ashamed about.” After some more celebration and whatnot, Virginia hugged Heather and even managed to grab a little ass too. Rachel then shanked her with a piece of broken glass and said, “Stay off my bitch, bitch!”

Okay, that didn’t happen, but Gordon did tell the assembled crowd that “this woman is going to be a big success!” Yes, just like Michael! If you don’t know who Michael is, my response is: exactly.

We then moved forward three months and found Heather at the Red Rock where, surprise surprise, she was crying again. She told all the workers how excited she was for this venture, and then we saw her parents crying, with her dad sweetly saying, “It’s all for you. It’s all for you.” Sadly, I think that’s the only thing he knows how to say, but if someone were to speak only one phrase, I’d rather it that instead of something like “Don’t put cauliflower on a burning penis!” (Not a bad rule to live by, FYI).

Gordon then concluded the season with a touching and thoughtful comment for all of us at home. “My work is done,” he said. “It’s been a phenomenal journey. I’m ready for the next challenge. Now, fuck you all.” Fuck us all indeed!

What did you think about this finale? Did the right person win? And what about the season? Better or worse than last year?

And check out an interview with Heather here.