Hell’s Kitchen: And the Weiner Is…

And now. The conclusion. Of Hell’s Kitchen. So, Gasmii, we’ve come to the end of the road. Or to the final circle of hell.

Does anyone else have a headache?Picking up where we left off last week, it’s now time for Petrozza’s big choice between the lunatic and the bitch. Who’s it going to be? Having painful flashbacks to grade school gym class, Cringing Matt tells us that he doesn’t want to be picked last. Too bad. Petrozza picks Jen.

p.s. Look at Mustache Ben’s Old Navy Performance Fleece tech vest. The late ’90s must be thrilled.

Growing more delusional by the second, Jen tells us that she was picked last because she knows she’s a strong leader, and no one wants to be out-shined by her. She tells Petrozza that he made a good choice, and she’s going to fight for him. Christina is happy to have Matt over Jen and calls him aboard.

With 10 hours to go before the very last dinner service, Christina and Petrozza go over their menus with their teams. The General tells us that Petrozza should win because he’s the more seasoned chef and because he’s so nice, people like working for him. And am I just really lonely, or is the General looking kinda hot to me lately? I’m a little worried about myself now.

Hubba hubba, big boy.

Jen tells us that she can’t believe that she didn’t crack the final two because she’s one of the best chefs there. Are we going to be able to suffer through one last episode of her crap, y’all? Because we’re less that six minutes in, and I’m already O.D.’d.

Oops, Jen! It looks like your soul fell out!

Matt also isn’t thrilled to work for a former competitor. He tells us that he has no respect for Christina because she hasn’t earned his respect. But then she says that she was inspired by his risotto idea when they created their own menu together before, so she added it to her menu. She wants him to work that station and make it his. He grins like the Cheshire Cat and really eats all those compliments up with a spoon. Kudos to Christina for learning the fine art of killing with kindness. He says that she’s now earned his respect, so he will finally call her “chef.” What an honor. Christina assigns Corey to meat and Toilet Brush to appetizers.

He’s kinda looking like an iguana to me lately.

Petrozza takes his usual Pig-Pin approach and isn’t organized even a little bit. He has nothing prepped. Jen tells us that she feels like she’s playing the violin on the Titanic. It’s kinda true. I love Petrozza, but I really don’t know how he’s pulled it off to make it on this far. He’s such a mess and everything he touches automatically coats over in a fine crust of filth.

The teams start prep, and Hell’s Kitchen designer John Janavs pulls Christina into the construction of her dining room. We get to re-live the stripe drama from last week, and Christina’s Super Sweet Sixteen attitude. She wanted the wallpaper painted two-toned with chocolate brown and latte, but it looks like in order to get it all done on time, they are going to have to do it all in chocolate. That sounds absolutely delicious to me! Christina who has been on a bossy power trip lately, tells him just to get it done and storms off like she’s something special.

Petrozza has bigger problems because they have been unable to get ahold of their booth upholsterer. Booth upholsterer? That’s a real full-time job? Petrozza recommends sending the General to the booth upholsterer’s house to “take care of it.” (In other words, fill his shoes with cement and send him to the bottom of the Hudson River. I’m from Chicago; I know how these things work.) John says no, they’ll take care of it.

I dunno. Just put a vase in front of it and maybe no one will notice!

Meanwhile, Jen is being a crazy person per usual. Sigh. It never ends with her, does it? With Petrozza out of the kitchen, she is ignoring her prep work and asking RamJam for favors! She actually asks him to write her a letter of recommendation!!! Ramsay has to ask her to repeat herself twice because even he’s surprised to hear those words. As expected, Christina and her red team find it incredibly tacky. I don’t know if it’s just funky editing or what, but Chef seems to not respond. Any thoughts on what this recommendation is for? I like to believe it’s to be a character witness for some court case that might result in her being sent to the loony bin. “Loony bin” being a technical term, of course. Anyway, it certainly can’t be for a job because if any chefs saw her on this show, I can’t imagine that they’d ever want to work with her.

Matt, unsurprisingly, is busy flexing his weird muscle too. He’s singing songs to his ingredients and speaking in strange accents. I’m not sure this guy should be allowed to use knives. Ever. Not even to butter his bread. Seriously. He freaks me out. Christina asks him about the pea puree, and he says, “Now you said you wanted me to pee in the puree?” Obviously he’s joking, but what a weird joke. Corey tells Christina that she needs to make sure that Matt gets serious, and that makes him mad just like everything else.

Why didn’t Petrozza pick Matt for his team? Probably because he doesn’t have a death wish.

And now it’s back to Jen’s crap. She’s doing her bad attitude pouty thing again. She’s all smiles when Chef is around, and the second he leaves the room, she puts on her other face. She’s pissed that she didn’t make it to the final two and is taking her anger out on everyone. Petrozza asks her if she needs help sweeping, and she snaps back, “If I need help sweeping, then I wouldn’t trust me to work a line.” Geez lady. Just take your meds, and you’ll be just fine.

It’s one hour until Hell’s Kitchen opens, and Gordo is ready to review the dishes. Each finalist has three appetizers, three entrees and three desserts. Christina presents her trio of beef sliders, New York Strip Steak with Succotash, and tropical sundae. Gordon recommends using other meats for the beef sliders because all three being beef isn’t exciting. It’s too late to find different meat, but Gordo says she can sex them up with different spices. It’s true. Who just wants to sit around and eat three burgers right in a row? Okay, maybe me, but that’s beside the point. As for the strip steak, he says to slice it so it’s not just a big clump of meat. The slices make it look like you’ve cared. He does enjoy the sundae. She tells us that she doesn’t like things to be over complicated, but Gordon wants her to go that extra mile and pull out all the stops.

Made in Hell’s Kitchen, but inspired by White Castle.

Petrozza’s menu includes a lobster strudel appetizer, filet mignon with carmelized risotto and crispy onion ring, and a vanilla soufflé with whiskey crème anglaise. Ramsay says that the strudel seems over-cooked and curdled. Maybe he left it in his toaster too long. And where’s the little packet of icing? That’s the best part. Next, Gordon thinks the risotto is too stiff and that the onion ring needs to be bigger. Gord says the soufflé is brave and delicious. Doesn’t whiskey crème sound weird? I would think that sounded nasty except that I’ve had something similar before, and it’s strangely fabulous. It must have truly been created by an alcoholic though. “You know what would make this dessert better? BOOZE!!!” Drinking and eating at the same time is that ultimate in multi-tasking. I approve!

Gordon runs over and has a little aside with the camera. He says that Petrozza is daring and going for inventive and dangerous foods. Christina, on the other hand, is playing it safe and being a Plain Jane.

We’ve all seen “Harold and Kumar.” We understand that sometimes you get the late-night munchies, Christina. And we know exactly why.

Thirty minutes before the opening, and Petrozza’s booths have finally arrived. And now that I think about it, I haven’t seen the General in awhile…Maybe he slipped out to make some empty threats. Christina’s restaurant is fully complete and ready for Ramsay’s review.

Christina explains that she wanted her dining room to be elegant yet comfy. Gordo says it’s very contemporary and the chairs are very comfortable. It actually does look very beautiful. Nicely done, chica.

Christina’s Crazy Cafe

Ramsay thinks that Petrozza’s restaurant is more warm and rustic. Not as contemporary. And actually, the flowers placed directly onto the table look great. Gordon’s favorite part is the fireplace. He says he feels like he’s in the Hamptons. I’m really thinking that he’s enjoying Petrozza’s everything better so far. This is a good sign for our ol’ boy.

Petrozza’s Pretty Patisserie. (Aren’t I clever?)

Now it’s time for Ramsay to impart some final advice. He reminds Petrozza and Christina that they are competing to be his executive chef…err sous chef… He’ll be watching how they handle every single ticket. Both contestants get their teams rallied up. Let’s do this! After 15 solid weeks of this, I am SO ready to get this show in the road!

Each team has 13 tables with 50 diners tonight. Christina asks her team to keep the energy up. Matt is being a little quiet and it’s worrying Christina. No mistakes can leave their kitchen. In Petrozza’s kitchen, the General says they all need to man up. Jen — never missing an opportunity to be a jerk — says, “How about womanin’ up?”

Hell’s Kitchen is open!!! Christina and Petrozza both start calling out orders for their kitchens, and both teams start off strong. Ramsay comes back to us for a little update. He says that whoever keeps up the momentum will be the winner. Corey says that she’s going to do everything in her power to make sure that Christina wins, so she delivers up an amazing trio of sliders. Appetizers start flying out of the kitchen! Are you guys excited or what??

The General tells us that Petrozza went for a complicated menu, so it’s pretty hard to execute. But he’s just going to keep cool and cook his ass off. Not good enough though. He serves up cold lobster strudel. Put that stuff back in the toaster! Luckily, Petrozza catches it though and asks him to put foil over it and reheat it. He stresses to his team that they need to check everything before it comes to him. Gordon tells us that he’s pleased to see Petrozza’s quality control. The second try at the strudel is much better, and they are back to being Super Blue!

In the Red Kitchen, Toilet Brush is getting flustered and is causing the kitchen to become backed up. Christina asks Matt to help him out, but he’s not much help because he’s Matt. Matt loafs around and doesn’t seem to know quite what he’s doing. He has to ask a question about every tiny little thing instead of using his own brain. And they are making SALAD. Salad, people! Christina and Ramsay both yell at Matt, causing him to become frantic and start dropping things.

Now just wait until he starts sweating into the food again!

Petrozza’s kitchen has over half the appetizers out, but now they’ve run out of the blue cheese that goes on the frise salad. Crap. And now they are out of strudel. What?! Chef starts threatening to shut it down.

Petrozza asks the General what he can make for him and tells him to make whatever he can to fill the gaps in the menu. The General offers to make a risotto. Of course risotto! It’s all risotto all the time in Hell’s Kitchen! Luckily, people in the dining room love the risotto.

It’s like watching a reenactment of the famous restaurant scene from “When Harry Met Sally.”

Meanwhile, Christina has moved onto entrees. Tragically, the entrees are “lukewarmish” and food comes back to the pass. The food is so cold that the butter isn’t melting on it. Corey gets behind because she has to re-fire two steaks, so she needs Matt’s help with the garnish. Instead of helping, he starts the KITCHEN FIRE OF THE WEEK! Yay! Everyone applaud! Christina yells at everyone and Ramsay enjoys her assertiveness.

The fifteenth and final weekly kitchen fire!

Petrozza’s customers are waiting as he delicately places asparagus on the plates. Chef tells him to ask his team for help because he’s trying to do it all by himself, and so the food is just sitting there at the pass. Working together, the entrees leave the kitchen.

What is with that guy’s hair, by the way? Is that K.D. Lang?

In the Red Kitchen, Matt attempts to serve up raw fish. Luckily, Christina spots it before it leaves. Matt starts to spiral further down toward craziness. First he tells Gordon to shut up, and then he says that as long as it tastes good, that’s all that counts. T.B. tries to get Matt to stop mumbling and focus. So Matt tells him to shut up. And then he tells everyone to shut up. Some people just never change, I guess. Gordon calls Matt over and tells him to concentrate.

Every night, the boogie man checks his closet for Matt.

Petrozza’s steaks aren’t leaving the kitchen because they are still waiting for the onion ring. Dammit Jen! Is it really that hard? She responds with a crumby attitude AND a crumby onion ring. She gives him a limp piece of crap. As the meat gets cold, Ramsay tells her not to be disrespectful and calls her “Miss Sabotage,” which I think is rather fitting, don’t you?

Christina’s kitchen is two tables behind Petrozza’s. And Matt yet again serves up uncooked mung fish, so Gordon threatens to kick him out. Gordon tells Christina that he’ll run her kitchen if she wants him to and tell Matt what to do. Matt responds with craziness but finally serves up decent fish.

The service is nearing the end, and Gordon tells us that they are neck and neck. The teams move onto desserts, and then it’s over. The last dinner service has finally been completed, y’all!

The teams meet Chef Ramsay in the kitchen, and he says that overall it was a job well done with more highs than lows. He tells them to give themselves a round of applause. Christina and Petrozza both hug their brigade. Petrozza thinks he did well and has an edge. Then our two contestants return to their dorms and start working on their best ulcers. The winner will be determined from customer comment cards and Chef Ramsay’s observations.

Ramsay sits in his office and ponders the evening. Now it’s time to go. Petrozza says that he doesn’t want to lose to Christina because she’s a kid. They meet Ramsay in his office with the jackets of fallen warriors hanging behind them.

All those empty jackets back there are like a creepy trophy case of shrunken heads or something.

Gordon says that making the decision has been agony for him, and he went back and forth many times. Weird, dramatic sappy music plays in the background as Gordon speaks in hushed tones, each word chosen with careful deliberation. It’s weird. He says he knows both of them will go on to great success. But now it’s time for his decision. He asks them to step up to the doors. They tell each other good luck and shake hands. The person whose door opens will be the winner of the competition.

They put their hands on their prospective doorknobs without turning the handles. Their families are waiting on the other side with the party. They are both horribly nervous. On the count of three, they will open their doors. Weird elevator muzak plays.

And it’s Christina! Stunned and weepy, she moves down the stairs and hugs her fam. And her Red Team seems genuinely excited for her. Corey seems most excited though, probably because she knows that Chrissy will give her a job.

“What?! And here we never thought our baby would amount to anything!”

Gordon holds up a shakey Petrozza and sends him out to the party as well. He says that he met so many beautiful people, and it was a priceless experience. Christina said she couldn’t believe something like this happened to be a big goober like her.

Jen can’t believe it either.

Ramsay tells us that Christina had the least amount of experience coming into the competition, but she had the best potential. And in his business, he thinks long term. They all dance and drink champagne.

So that’s that! What do you all think? I was rooting for Petrozza, but I’m okay with Christina’s win. After all, I guess she DID win the most challenges, right?

I am taking a little TVgasm break, but I’ll be back in August with all new episodes of next season’s “Making the Band.” I hope to see you all over there!

Much love,
MandaMo
xoxo