Hell’s Kitchen: A Tale of Witches, Bitches, and Snitches

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, Ben sweats all over the place, PrettyGirl quits again, and Andrea is a bitch.

At the bitch/smoke session this week, Andrea says “I don’t wish that spot on anybody.” Um, Andrea? It’s a competition. It’s sort of necessary to get rid of everyone else in order to win. Numnuts.

Andrea tells us that she’s feeling pretty beaten up having to make the decision about who was going to go on the chopping block. Puh-lease.

Carol can’t believe Andrea didn’t pick her, and Andrea says she would never base it off something so stupid or petty. Oh No! She’d rather base it on payback and revenge. You know, I wouldn’t even care that she operates that way if it wasn’t for the fact that she told LA she would have no hard feelings. I knew it was a lie when she said it.

Andrea tells Carol that she doesn’t feel like Carol is a weak part of the team. What she does “honestly” feel is that LA has not been there for them. LA is like WTF? She wants to know how Andrea could pick her to go home. Andrea feels like there has been a lack of passion over the past few days from her.

Paula chimes in to tell LA she can do more, and Andrea says she backs up everything Paula just said. Oh, and it’s not a personal thing. Yeah. Right. LA informs them that it’s going to be balls to the wall from now on.

Carol says the red team has divided itself into two teams: Andrea and Paula vs. LA and Carol (she thinks). It’s getting more and more difficult to work together. Yeah, it’s amazing how y’all didn’t bond once PrettyGirl was gone, huh?

Gio stops by to tell them it’s a team effort and they should let bygones be bygones and work together as a team. Gio! You’re supposed to sit back and laugh your ass off as they crash and burn, not try to help them. Gawd.

As usual, the next morning the teams gather in the dining room to see what fun Ramsey has in store for them. Today he has prepared something “slightly special”. Well, I think I’d prefer “very special” or “super special” but then I am a picky bitch and very hard to please.

He has samples of a few dishes for them to try from his London restaurant, Maze. Chef Ramsey says they’re called tapas style. Which according to him means “small, unique, delicious portions.” The literal translation of tapas is “covers”, but in the restaurant world they are considered to mean “small plates”. To me, they are “yummy stuff that I can order tons of and pretend I didn’t just order enough food to feed a horse.” That’s a rough translation.

Anyway, the dishes are six different preparations of salmon, and most of them look tasty. See?

The first dish I’m guessing is raw salmon served over a polenta cake with goat cheese, truffles and a little bit of chives.

Next we have salmon classically prepared with a caviar garnish and served over braised leeks.

Next, well, this can only be described as salmon sauteed with the skin on, served over a bed of pus and floating delicately in a delicious menstrual stew. Nutritious and delicious.

We follow that with a salmon carpaccio, perhaps with a Thai style chili sauce.

Now the always “Unique” salmon ravioli with a creamy, drippy sauce served over asparagus.

Finally, the rare salmon flower, served just as it is found in the wild. I’ve heard tales of such a thing but never before this day have I been lucky enough to see one. Slightly special indeed.

Ramsey urges the teams to have a taste. Of course they all cream themselves over his food. I would have loved it if one of them had said: “Salmon is the least unique fish to prepare. This is slimy and dee-sgust-ting. You have turned me off salmon forevah.” Oh well, maybe someday.

He tells them that over the past two to three years tapas have been a huge trend in restaurants around the world. Guess what the challenge is? You’re right! Family style dishes!

Each team will create five small plates. The team with the most winning dishes will win the challenge. At this point in the show I turned to my sister and said “What do you wanna bet they tie at 2-2 before the win?” She would not bet me. Bitch. I need that money.

But wait! There’s more. They will be creating their dishes from leftovers. Paula thinks that will make the challenge very difficult. Uh, Paula? I think that’s why it’s called a challenge.

They will have twenty minutes to create their dishes. J would like to take this opportunity to tell us, “J can make a five course meal out of anything. Leftovers, canned food, you’d be surprised.” Oh no J, I don’t think I would be surprised. Scared perhaps. Surprised? Nope.

Before the teams begin, Ramsey tells them that the teams will need to be evened out. He says that ever since PrettyGirl left the red team, they have not won any challenges. NOT TRUE!!!! They won the first challenge after he switched her to the blue team. Their prize was the sumo torture of JP and getting snookered on sake! Shit, Chef, it was only two weeks ago, it can’t be that fucking hard to remember.

LA and Carol look like they are about to shit a brick at the thought of PrettyGirl rejoining their team. But Chef Ramsey is just having a little bit of fun. He tells her to stay put. Instead, he moves Gio to the red team!

Robert is pissed. He thinks Chef took the worst from the red team and gave her to the blue team, and took the best from the blue team and gave him to the red team. Hey Robert, if you think he’s the best, why don’t you just pack it in and go home now?

And…..GO! Each team has a tray of leftovers in their kitchen that they will need to use in the creation of their dishes. Hey, at least the ingredients are all raw. I wish he had stuck them with some of their crappily cooked meat or fish. Try to make something out of that shit.

As the red team takes inventory of their tray and selects their items, Carol comes across a squeeze bottle of what she thinks may be soy sauce. Luckily she tests it to make sure.

Carol decides she’s going to do something with the tuna and the soy. Andrea is taking lobster and pasta. Gio warns her that the sauce will take the longest time to make. We’re not told what anyone else picked.

Over in the blue kitchen, PrettyGirl is asking her team for an idea. She wants them to come up with her dish for her! Un-fucking-believable. Why is she still here?

She whines at us, “I’m not going to make it that much farther in this competition if I can’t even come up with a dish.” Why not? Incompetence, quitting and whining have gotten you this far. You may win the whole shebang.

Ben suggests that she dice up the tomatoes and mushrooms and make a little mushroom bruschetta.

Robert thinks she sucks. Yes Robert, we know. He basically thinks Ramsey is keeping her there to amuse himself. And it’s kinda pissing him off. Oh, and he thinks she’s a fat bitch.

Robert? While I agree in principle that PrettyGirl is no stick figure, the person boo hoo hooing that he couldn’t ride on the helicopter should not be saying ANY shit about anyone else’s weight. I do believe that PrettyGirl would not have exceeded the maximum weight limit for that reward. Stop making me stand up for her Robert; it’s kinda pissing me off.

Judgment time. The dishes will be judged head to head. How do they come up with the pairs for judging? No one tells us, but you and I both know that it will be rigged for a tie before the win.

First up is Paula vs. Danny. Paula has made a pepper steak and eggs with tomatoes, while Danny has made a grilled filet mignon with wild mushroom ragout. He thinks they are both good enough to earn a point for each team. They are pretty tasty looking.

Next up, PrettyGirl and LA. PrettyGirl has prepared the dish Ben thought of for her, mushroom bruschetta with balsamic vinegar on top of a sautéed leek. It doesn’t look half bad. Unfortunately, it seems that she neglected to cook the leek long enough.

LA has made an asparagus and ginger soup with parmesan cheese. Ramsey asks where the idea came from to put asparagus and ginger together and LA says she just “threw it together”. Ramsey thinks the soup looks like it came out of the bottom of a dishwasher. Yeah, it looks pretty gross. But how does it taste Chef? “It also tastes like it’s come out of the bottom of a dishwasher.” AND “Like some camel’s shit in your pot.” That is nasty. LA’s is deemed disgusting, PrettyGirl’s is foul, and neither gets a point.

Let’s hope Carol and Robert can do better. Carol has made a ginger rubbed seared tuna with fried leeks, and the tuna is glazed with a ginger soy reduction. Chef Ramsey informs Carol that there was, in fact, no soy sauce on the ingredient tray. Same color, but not soy sauce. He wants to know if she tasted it. And she says she did. She probably should have lied and said she didn’t taste it.

Andrea can’t believe that she can’t tell the difference between soy and balsamic. Yeah, I have to say, that is pretty bad. Balsamic has a really strong flavor. The only thing I can think of is that maybe her taste buds are staging a revolution in protest of their fallen comrades from cigarette smoking. It’s really the only thing that makes sense. Aside from the soy/vinegar error, Chef also thinks her dish is dry. Yikes.

Robert’s made peppered pasta with sautéed butternut squash with a pan seared lamb loin. Chef asks where the idea came from and Robert says it came right from his mom’s kitchen. Awwwwww. Ramsey thinks the portion is a bit large for tapas, but the flavor is spot on. Robert wins the point for the men. Robert gives a shout out to his ma. Double Awwwwwww.

Time for Andrea and J. Andrea has made an open faced lobster and asparagus ravioli with a pinot reduction. He thinks it looks boring, but it delivers big time in taste. He moves on to J’s “slightly phallic” dish. What is it? It’s lobster with a fennel and leek broth. Ramsey thinks J has gone too simple; he needs more creativity. And with that, Andrea wins the point for the women.

Well, blow me down! Look at that. Now the red and blue teams are tied at two points a piece. Whoever could have guessed that? I wonder if the producers think that we are all morons.

In this moment, I turned to my sister to make yet another prediction: “Wanna bet Gio’s plate is going to win so that the red team wins because Ramsey moved Gio over?” Denied again! I don’t understand why she won’t take these bets.

So last up are Ben and Gio. Ben has made grilled tuna served over grilled asparagus with a sauce made from fennel fronds and balsamic. Ramsey thinks it is absolutely delicious. Gio has made a surf and turf style tapa; pan seared beef with a fried lobster claw. Ramsey loves his also.

But which will he choose? However will he decide? We get a commercial break for added dramatic tension (not), and the winner is…….the red team! God, this show is so unpredictable. I never even saw that coming.

Gio is happy to have helped his new team get the win. Andrea is beside herself with joy. She tells us that the spice rack needed some testosterone and Gio has “an overabundance of it to give.” Gross.

Ramsey tells Ben he should not be upset because that was the most difficult decision ever. I don’t believe him. Ben has been on the losing end of three head to head challenges, and he’s understandably disappointed. And humbled.

Ramsey tells the blue team that this punishment sucks. And he is not lying. They get to prep both kitchens for service that night. Yeah, that’s not going to be fun. He goes on to tell them it’s tapas night. What that means is that they are changing plates down to the smaller sized ones, so they need to be unloaded, washed, dried and polished. Polished? I have never heard of polishing plates. Fancy Schmancy.

The ladies and Gio have won a day at the track with Chef. I can’t really judge that as a prize since I have never been to a horse race, but it sounds pretty fucking boring to me. They head upstairs to get changed.

As the red team prepares for their day at the track, Carol is wondering if you have to dress super fancy for horse races. Who could we ask?

Andrea doesn’t care what the dress code is. She’s getting dressed up because she feels like it dammit.

Gio touches base with the rest of the team before leaving to ask them to put their differences aside and come together as a team. Andrea tells him she thinks they got the best from the blue team. I love Gio’s response: “We’re only as good as each other.” I am digging Gio right now.

Downstairs the blue team has started prep. Why is Ben smelling the lamb? J starts the risotto, confirming that he should use half and half water and chicken stock. Danny tells him better to have too much rice than to run out.

While the guys are hustling, PrettyGirl is prepping at the speed of snails. And she’s eating again. Does the girl ever stop stuffing her face? She’s whining about how much work there is to do. They have to roll out cookie dough, mash potatoes, and it’s just awful. Yeah, I think it’s awful that I have to be subjected to the sight of you and your ass picking.

Out at the track, the red team is getting ready to place their bets. Andrea’s pick is Victory’s Lady. Of course. Ramsey is going to go for Stress Free. Well, it’s nice to dream Chef. Carol wants to know if Chef has ever actually had a stress free day. He has. On the flight home to the UK. They all twitter ’cause he’s just that funny.

LA thinks being around Ramsey is like hanging out with your dad. Um, LA? Does your dad swear at you a lot and compare you to farm animals?

The race starts. How exciting. Yawn.

As the horses run out of the gates, the blue team is running out of the kitchen to unload the plates. Robert has decided that PrettyGirl is going to polish their knobs the plates. She needs specifics in how to polish knobs plates. Should she just use a towel or what?

Here she is, whining again. This time it’s that no one treats her as an equal. Maybe that’s because you suck. Or blow. Either/or.

She continues to be, well, HER, and the guys continue to be annoyed by her. Ben has a message for PrettyGirl, but instead of telling her to her face, he bitches it to us. Oh Ben, just grow some balls already and say it to her. Bitching at us isn’t going to help.

Back at the race, Ramsey’s horse is in the lead. But Andrea’s horse snakes in there at the last minute and wins by a nose. She’s jumping up and down, shrieking like a banshee. She blathers on about how her horse came out of nowhere to win and that’s going to be her in Hell’s Kitchen. Blarf.

Let’s get back to the guys. They are still plugging away at prep. PrettyGirl is doing something with the cookie dough; rolling it out and putting it in sheet pans? Damned if I know. The guys say she’s doing it wrong. Something about paper and you’re supposed to take off the paper, but I’m not a baker, so I have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. If I was working with cookie dough, I’d be eating it. Oh! Maybe that’s what she keeps stuffing into her mouth!

Anyway, she basically tells them all to fuck off, if it’s a mistake, it’s her mistake and she’s the one that will get in trouble for it. She has such a piss poor attitude. I would have strangled her by now.

Robert is sick of PrettyGirl, and he is getting ready to do a Jedi mind trick to choke the shit out of her. I think you can get sent home for that, Robert. Maybe you should hold her down and shave her head. It’s worked before, I can’t remember where exactly, but hey, you could wind up winning the entire competition. Maybe you should videotape while someone else does it. That might be the winning strategy.

PrettyGirl tells us: “I don’t care what that fat ass has to say to me. He just needs to say it to my face instead of mumbling it under his fucking breath.” Maybe you should say this to HIS face, hmmmm?

She then goes on to tell her team that if she fights with anyone, she’s leaving. They react the same way I would. You’re What?

J tells her if she has to go, go. She starts to yell at him and he calmly tells her that he’s serious and she should leave if she has to. “This is a professional kitchen. If you want to fucking go, go. I’ll fucking do everything.”

She asks Ben where she can find fennel, and he gets a little short with her, so off she goes! “Ugh, I hate you guys! I’m sick of taking shit from you people. It’s stopping now. I quit.” Yeah right. I’ll believe it when I see her picture go up in flames.

Because that was SO dramatic and exciting, we get to relive it after the commercial break. That’s awesome because I can never get enough of PrettyGirl. She’s like totally incredible and fer sure she should win. I just love her so.

She goes to cry in the bathroom about getting treated like the donkey of the group. I think you’re the jackass of the group. She is rolling in the self pity now. “I am not going to compromise my health and happiness for fucking two hundred and fifty grand. Hiccup. No fucking way. It’s not worth it.”

Downstairs the guys are wondering where she went. Robert would like to kick her ass. Violence is never the answer Robert. He also thinks she sucks, and that she should be the chef in a psycho ward so she can get some free therapy. Hee hee.

Ben takes one for the team and goes upstairs to talk her about coming back downstairs. Oh! But before he can get there she tells us that she doesn’t want to be the bitch of Hell’s Kitchen. Too late. “I’m really not a bitch. I’m really a nice cool person.” If you say so.

So Ben talks to her about brushing it off and getting back into the kitchen. The blue team needs her. She is fucking annoying the shit of me. Seriously? Either really quit and get the fuck out, or put on your big girl panties and fucking deal with it. Christ!!

It looks like there’s no pre-service pep talk from Ramsey tonight, so JP, open Hell’s Kitchen!

Carol brings her risotto up to the pass and is immediately called back by Ramsey. The rice is mush. He wants to see the rice. It’s overcooked and mushy. Ramsey wants to know who cooked the rice. J fesses up and gets torn a new butthole. He starts to cook more rice, but Chef tells JP to eighty-six the risotto.

Just when apps start to leave to the kitchens again, JP returns to the red kitchen with a plate of undercooked pasta. Ramsey yells at Carol when really the pasta is Andrea’s doing. But if she’s running apps, she should be running them. I don’t know why they don’t tell Andrea LOUDLY to get the fuck off their stations. She’s never blamed if she fucks it up. Andrea stands by silently as Carol gets yelled at. HATE.

Ramsey sends them both into the dining room to eat the entire plate of uncooked pasta. Andrea was appalled at how grossly undercooked the pasta was. Then next time cook it bitch! And leave other people’s stations alone!

C&A: “While Carol and Andrea chew on their mistakes, in the blue kitchen, J is hoping to redeem himself.”

Nope. Doesn’t happen. J has now fucked up the fish. Accordingly to Ramsey everything J has touched tonight has been screwed. More fucked up fish and Ramsey takes him into the back room to yell at him. Yeah, that’ll help.

Over in the red kitchen LA has not properly sauced the John Dory. Ramsey is calling for more sauce, but LA’s brain appears to have blown a fuse. She seriously goes completely blank before snapping out of it.

Ramsey yells out, “More sauce, you silly cow.” She can’t believe he called her a cow. In real life people wouldn’t call you a cow or a bitch. If they did, you’d walk up to them and sock them in the face. Speak for yourself LA!

Holy Crap on Toast. J has now fucked up the scallops. They look all messed up and they have a rubbery consistency. Uh oh. Duck and cover J! That’s it! Ramsey has had enough!

Chef Ramsey is screaming at J to get the fuck out. “Get your jacket off and fuck off!” J does just that. He tells us something about his wife and son, but I don’t care enough to pay attention to him. He’s going to move on and get his own restaurants going. Restaurants?!?! Ohhhh, I get it. Nathan’s has some franchises available. See you at the mall!

Chef Ramsey reshuffles the blue team to compensate for the loss of J. It looks like a royal clusterfuck.

Over in the red kitchen, Gio has everything under control. He’s got the orders down, and knows where everyone is. He’s keeping them on track. Ramsey is impressed. Gio sys he’s barely keeping his head above water, but it’s obvious he’s kicking ass right now.

Ben is not doing so great. “Where’s the bastard Wellington?” Ramsey wants to know. When Ben delivers them to the pass, they are still cold; maybe because Ben keeps opening the oven doors. Put them in the convector!

Ramsey tells Ben he’s next. When Ben tells him he’s upset with himself, Ramsey tells him he should be embarrassed.

In direct opposition, Paula has managed to cook her Wellingtons perfectly. And Chef Ramsey tells her it’s the best Wellington they’ve ever sent. Good job, Paula!

I wonder how Ben’s doing on his. He needs five and a half minutes, Chef. Ramsey’s tells him he’s watching him like a fucking hawk. Wanna know why, Ben? “I want you out.” Wow. That is harsh. Made all the more so because he said it so calmly instead of just screaming it.

Ben says it hurts when someone goes after you like that. But the pain is not over for Ben yet. As he’s preparing a pan of Wellingtons to go into the oven, Ramsey stops him. The pan that he’s putting fresh Wellingtons on is dirty and greasy and disgusting.

Time for a talk in the naughty room! When asked why he’s putting them on a dirty tray, Ben says there were no clean pans and he was doing Wellingtons on them before! I think I already know the answer to this, but I’m going to ask anyway: does this shit go on regularly in restaurants? That is So. Fucking. Gross. Ramsey thinks Ben is a dirty fucking pig.

Despite the issues in the blue kitchen, both teams finish a full service. In the red kitchen, Carol and Andrea still hate each other. Carol calls Andrea out on the pasta issue from earlier, and says she can’t even admit when she’s done something wrong.

They bicker back and forth, Andrea mostly laughing at Carol in a condescending sort of way. Gio and Paula jump in to back up Andrea, and Andrea is practically cackling with glee.

You know, I think Carol can be a royal pain in the ass, but Andrea is working my last nerve. I’ve worked with people like her before, and I really hope she falls and falls hard because her “my shit don’t stink” attitude is really annoying.

So Chef Ramsey lines the teams up to tell them what they all already know – red team won, blue lost. The blue team is told to go upstairs and each nominate one person for elimination identify one person they don’t want on their team.

Upstairs Ben apologizes to his team for his overall suckiness. PrettyGirl doesn’t know who to put up. She can’t put up Robert, he kicked ass tonight. Danny’s not going up either. Ben’s not happy that she’s going to put him up; especially after all he’s done to help her. But Ben, you sucked big time tonight. Who else is she going to put up there? Herself? Wishful thinking aside, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Robert tells PrettyGirl that for as much as she’s been doing well; he can’t forgive the shit she pulled today. He goes on some more and she’s blowing him off about it because she knows how they all feel about her. Robert tells her if all she’s hearing is the negative, she’s a moron. They’re fighting back and forth while Danny sits back and enjoys the show.

Oh, and if PrettyGirl wins, Robert will hang up his chef jacket and become a crack whore. Way to accentuate the positive there, Bobbo! Crack whores around the world are offended. You think it’s so easy dude? You’re only good for a certain niche market. Get off our street corner!!!

Downstairs Ramsey wants to know if they’ve each decided who they’re voting for. “Tell me who you don’t want on your team any longer and why.” Robert is first. He doesn’t want PrettyGirl on his team. That’s a surprise. He believes in his heart that she’s a cancer. Oh! And then he totally calls her out on the quitting and I think FINALLY! Thank you!

He goes on to say: “I refuse to accept quitters, and we’ve tried to help her, but she’s constantly blaming everybody else, and I’m serious emotional, like with this PASSIONate about this because in the long run, she doesn’t care about what happens, and if I was running my restaurant…see ya later.”

While Robert is talking we see different members of the red team shaking their heads in agreement. It appears that Ramsey sees this as well. Ramsey responds the only way you really can after a diatribe like that. “Holy Crap.” Indeed, Chef.

PrettyGirl is next. Who’s her pick? Robert. Because they just don’t understand each other as people, which means they can’t work together. Ramsey suspects the reason they want to get rid of each other is because perhaps a fattie romance is blooming. That is too funny.

Danny also picks PrettyGirl. He thinks she has a piss poor attitude, and he also brings up her threatening to quit. Ben makes it 3-1 in favor of PrettyGirl. He adds into the mix that she’s not a team player and she’s holding them down more than moving them forward.

I start to get a warm and fuzzy feeling. Can tonight be the night at last?

PrettyGirl and Ben step forward. Oooooooooooooooo!

Ramsey asks Ben, “Chef to chef, why didn’t you nominate yourself?” He thinks he’s brought a lot to the team and has a solid foundation of food knowledge. He should have said: “Yes, I sucked tonight, but she has no vision, no drive and she’s a fucking quitter. Our team hates her, the red team hates her, how could I not vote for her to go?”

Chef Ramsey wants to see how honest Ben will be with him, so he asks him who was the worst performing chef in the blue team tonight. Say J! Say J! He already kicked him out so by default he’s worse than you! Ben says himself, which is what Ramsey wanted him to admit. I still think he should have said J.

PrettyGirl, why should you stay in Hell’s Kitchen?

Ramsey isn’t sure what to do. He has a choice between someone everyone hates, and someone who can’t cook meat. “My decision is……..Ben. (pause, pause, pause) I really want your jacket. I’m giving you one more chance.” Then he sends them both back in line.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Denied AGAIN! This is such bullshit.

He sends them off with an admonition that they need to work together as a team. PrettyGirl jumps right on that with a big fuck you to everyone there.

Robert reads my mind and calls PrettyGirl a cockroach. But he knows that eventually her luck will run out. Oh Robert, we all pray for that day. “Chef Ramsey’s gonna be the Raid and squash that bitch like a bug.” Yeah, Raid doesn’t squash bugs, Robert, but other than that, right on.

Carol is still whining about Andrea. Blahbitty, blah blah. Worry about yourself. Thanks. And Ben thinks Chef Ramsey is hard on him because he sees potential there. I guess time will tell if that’s true, or if it’s just that Ramsey thinks he sucks monkey balls.

Ramsey says he didn’t send Ben or PrettyGirl home because he’s a sadistic fuck who likes to torture everyone by keeping PrettyGirl’s lame ass around he had already sent J home. Bullshit.

Next week…..it’s celebrity week in Hell’s Kitchen, and Andrea may have peed her pants. They all appear to bone it, and we’re told someone won’t even make it through service. Uh yeah, that happened this week. It’s going to be “the most unpredictable Hell’s Kitchen yet.” Can’t wait.

SWAK,
PottyMouth