It’s coming down to the wire folks. Four Chefabes left. I think Ramsay only has a handful of veins left that he can burst without dying so let’s take a peek and see what the final four of Hell’s Kitchen are up to.
I want me Mum!
Last week, Ramsay was all but dribbling on himself as he muttered over and over “It’s not possible.” Suzbland was FINALLY sent packing and One Armed Wonder was continuously hurting his already messed up arm. Man if he can pull this off, they should double his salary. Of course since I mentioned it I should in all fairness get 10% of that. Anywho, lets take a peek inside Hell’s and see what’s crackalackin! (Sorry I’ve been watching Madagascar with my Mom)
As everyone is sitting around celebrating the fact that they made it to the final four, Cueball is busy telling us everyone elses faults. He says he knows every body’s weaknesses. He says Ariel better buckle down, WhoopiG better get consistent and One Armed only has, well, one arm and there are things he can’t do. In other words he’s already decided he’s won.
No need to continue the show, I won.
The next morning as everyone is waking up, One Armed is already up. Talking to himself in the mirror. Screw that I can talk to myself in bed. No need to get up and dressed and shit.
I’m smart enough. I’m good enough and doggone it people like me!
Downstairs they go and through the frosted doors we see an outline of someone walking back and forth and Ramsay bitching. Then the doors open and this little turd comes out.
Honey! I shrunk the Chef!
This kid does a great Ramsay. They all think he’s cute until he rips them a new one. He tells One Arm “Bloody hell, I don’t know how you do it with one arm. If you were a horse I’d have shot you by now. He throws his hands in the air and asks, “Are you ready for today?” They mumble “yes chef.” So he repeats himself LOUDER. Out comes Ramsay and he’s smiling. WTF?
Someone’s been smoking on something in the back alley besides Scott’s cute little ass.
Everyone’s all a giggle. Which means he’s about to lay the hammer down. He starts with how there is no bigger pain than a vegetarian. But in fine dining you have to have a veggie nut menu. So today’s task is…..to each make a stunning veggie dish. He’s not finished. They will need 80 portions for customers arriving very shortly.
HOLY SHIT ON A STICK CHEF!
Cueball isn’t worried about the volume. He cooks like this all the time. His dish is….
As One Armed is taking a pan of peppers off the stove he yells. Drops a pepper. Puts everything down and runs to the pantry. He doesn’t want people to see him in a weak moment. Then stop picking shit up with your bad arm!
As the clock ticks down no one has 80 portions plated. Ramsay says he can’t stop these guests from coming whether they are ready or not. And then I hear it. Helen Keller could have heard it. One of the most bone chilling, terrifying ass puckering noises known to all of mankind. You want to know why aliens won’t land here and stick around for a visit? This is why.
Evil, thy name is child.
Ramsay tells them that these are 80 of their toughest critics to date. Each chefabe will serve their lunches on a different colored plate. The
mutants guests will vote for their favorite after tasting each one. And wiping boogers on everything in sight.
Whoopi almost shits herself and One Arm groans that he has no clue how to deal with kids. Join the club. As the little
monsters munchkins file in waiting to be fed, they get louder and louder. Then they start screaming “We want food!”. So? I want ear plugs.
Louder and louder they get. Whoopi tells us in the begining she’s trying for presentation but before too long she’s just slopping the shit on the plate like a lunch lady on the rag. Ramsay tells her kids could give a shit about presentation. That means he wants them fed and gone back to
hell their parents or juvenile detention or where ever they came from.
Hahahaha One Arm tells us that the kids keep chanting we want food and he tells them he’s got food…but you aren’t going to like it. LOL I like him again. One Arm then comes running out with his polenta tower and calls it a “sandwhich” hoping to fool the little snot wads.
This is where Cherie would be having a full blown panic attack.
Everyone is trying to push out their dishes. Here are some reactions.
They have now sampled every dish and must vote. While the votes are being “tabulated” Ramsay has a surprise for the
bacterial swabs children. He yells for WhistleBritches!
Oh Dear Lord one of them sneezed on me!
Much screaming and happiness occurs. The bags had treats and sweets. The kind of treats that make a mess. A big mess. Like confetti.
Gee I wonder what the losers are gonna have to do.
Ramsay thanks the
snot factories children for coming. It’s now time to announce who the swine flu carriers adorable little babes have chosen as the best and worst dishes.
40% said Cueball’s dish sucked ass. However the top 2 dishes belonged to One Arm and Whoopi. However the number 1 dish with 55% of the vote is……OBAMA! Oh wait, wrong election. The number one dish with 55% of the vote is…..WhoopiG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES I CAN!
After much celebrating from Whoopi One Arm whines, while smiling that he never wins and he’s always a brides maid and never a bride. Dude, you are a dude. Stop showing up at weddings in a dress and maybe girls will stop thinking you are a transvestite. Duh.
Ramsay explains to the losers that they will be cleaning the mess that
Satan’s spawn the adorable kiddies left behind. Whoopi however will be treated to a spa day! Then she and Ramsay will be going to Nobu. Alone. Uh huh.
Off she goes in style to get her hair did. Back at Hell’s the losers are all yapping about how she won’t appreciate it and blah blah blah. Shut the hell up. You know she won’t win this whole thing so let her have her moment. One Arm mumbles that Whoopi cooks food suited for a child but she’s not good enough for Araxi. Uh the challenge was FOR
SNOTWADS children. Get over it already! Fuckers.
Meanwhile Whoopi is being petted and pampered and all boozed up.
That would be a hell yeah!
She is enjoying herself immensely. They put a cream with 18 carat gold in it on her face. I would take my face to the pawn shop. They trim up her eyebrows. Something else I could use. Well at this point, between my Mom and life and general I have an eyebrow. Anyhoodle, she loves whats going on. And I love it for her. And here she is….Miss Ain’t gonna Win But Came Close.
Don’t hate me cause I’m fine bitches!
Back at Hell’s the cleanup continues. And if there is still anyone out there who doesn’t get that children are bacteria laden phlegm factories, take a look at this.
You may be eating at a 5 star establishment but I bet there’s still slobbery ass child gum under the table.
Oh Jesus. One Arm is on the floor scraping up stuff. And going through it to salvage what he decides is good. It’s like my Grandma at a yard sale. Seriously, he’s piling shit up and then shoving what he thinks is good in his pockets. Even Ariel stops by and hands him some goodies.
Candy candy candy candy candyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Meanwhile Whoopi arrives at Nobu and Ramsay can barely contain his boner. Seriously people, he has a thang for her.
Meet my next affair, I mean chef. Meet one of my chefs.
They get served what I can only assume is the best of the best as far as sushi is concerned. I’m a southern girl. I don’t quite comprehend the love of sushi so forgive my ignorance on the subject. What does grab my attention is the set of knives Whoopi is presented with at the end of she and Gordon’s
foreplay meal. Now that I can get into! Oh I mean the knives not the Gordon and Whoopi foreplay. Don’t even act like you don’t sense the sexual tension. Mrs.Ramsay will probably be standing there with a whip telling them what positions they should be in. Oops, kinda got off track with you people talking about sex and all.
The knives. I was talking about the Henckel’s knives. I have a set. They are magical. Do you know what hideous things I had to do to convince my husband that it was absolutely imperative that I have these knives? Ok, not a damn thing. I charged them. The point is, they are very nice knives. My fav is the santoku. It makes me feel like a chef. Don’t mock me. If it weren’t for my imagination you people wouldn’t have things to giggle about. Ok so that’s not true. CAN YOU LET ME HAVE SOMETHING TO BOOST MY LAGGING SELF ESTEEM PLEASE? *sniff sniff sniffle sniff sniff*
Aren’t they precious?
Back at Hell’s prep continues. Whoopi comes in all smiles. One Armed Dronefest tells us that since he and Cueball and Ariel are there working, makeovers have nada to do with service. Cueball halfass admires the knives and then Scott basically says good for you now get your ass in gear and get to prepping.
Get to work woman. Shiny knives will NOT win Gordon’s heart!
Whoopi gets her ass back downstairs and tries to catch up. Ramsay calls for a chat. He pulls no punches and says they have had highs and lows but the four of them have survived. Meaning they are the best of the worst bunch of Hell’s Kitchen chefabes he has ever seen. He tells them they can do better. He tells them they have to have passion. Passion is the key ingredient. Then he has to slap Cueball and Whoopi off his crotch as they try to show them their “passion.” Ok not really. But it would be more interesting than this shit.
WhistleBritches Open Hell’s Kitchen!!
I’m on my way you grouchy bastard!
Ramsay calls out the first orders and all seems to be going well. Until Ramsay calls for scallops. That would be Whoopi’s station.
They’re rubbery! If I wanted rubber I’d chew a condom!
On the second try she gets them perfect. Leaving Ramsay to yet again mumble how it’s not possible. All appetizers have been sent out and now they are on to entrees. Ramsay says “Nice start. Let’s keep it going yes?” Kiss of death.
As One Arm is cutting the lamb thinking all is well, he uses his bad arm a little too much and runs to hide in the pantry. What I can’t figure out is why he keeps picking up heavy shit with his bad arm. Seriously. Ramsay follows him. He tells him he’s watching him. Good to know. Kinda creepy. He calls for a medic.
One Arm tells us no matter what the pain he’s here to stay. And he goes back to the kitchen. Cueball is hoping to hell that One Arm gets ousted but so far no such luck. Food is going as even as One Arm grunts every time he picks up anything.
Ramsay calls for seabass and Whoopi brings this shit up. Ramsay is NOT pleased.
Is that a midgets shoe?
Ramsay yells and screams and Whoopi acts like it’s the fish’s fault. She had burned pans, half cooked fish, burnt fish, all kinds of shit everywhere. Whoopi has now stalled the entire kitchen. Ramsay is screaming. Some whacker in the dining room is talking about you get out of life what you want out of life. Yeah you hippie asshole, I wanted to be a fat ass cookieaholic living 10 miles from a NASCAR track! Sorry. I’m having a moment.
Whoopi keeps screwing shit up and Ramsay calls everyone over yet again to show them. One Arm wiseley says “You cannot put quality ingredients in the hands of some one as dangerous as Tenille.” OK. Dude, she’s cooking crappy food not making a freakin bomb!
Everyone starts over, again. They ask Whoopi how long. Silence. Finally she says 2 minutes. Everyone else falls in line according to those 2 minutes. But when Ramsay asks her how long she replies “6 minutes.” One Arm has already cut the lamb. Everyone else is completely thrown. Ramsay is shitting his pants. Again.
Get off your knees woman. A blow job won’t help this time!
Ramsay takes her to the pantry, screams at her. She promises to do better and it’s back to the kitchen we go. Whoopi rebounds. The food is flying out. They serve their last table. Whoopi knows she’s screwed.
Ramsay calls the four together and tells them that he was happy that they did work as a team. Then he tells One Arm that he’s never ever seen a chef suffer with that amount of pain. He tells him he’s deeply concerned that he may not be able to continue in this competition.
Don’t be hatin’.
One Arm goes on to assure Ramsay that he is fine. He can do this. He tells him to take him out because he’s not a good enough chef, not because of his wrist. Ramsay says “I hear you.But I’m watching you carefully.”
Then he sets his sights on Whoopi. He wants no nominations. Nor does he want to prolong her agony. He tells her to take off her jacket and leave Hell’s Kitchen. He then tells her how proud of her he is and how she fought back like no one he’s ever seen fight back. He also tells her she is an amazing competitor and she has a massive heart. All the while tears are streaming down her face.
I’LL MISS YOU WHOOPI!
After she leaves Ramsay tells them to get some rest, only there is still several minutes left. Gee I wonder what’s up?
As the final three are sitting back and relaxing, the phone rings. Ramsay tells them to get downstairs pronto.
Ramsay can’t help but fuck with One Arm a little and tell him that after he sent Whoopi packing he just couldn’t stop thinking about him. Maybe he made a mistake. Haha made ya look! He says he made the right choice and oh by the way One Arm’s sis and fiance is here to hug and kiss and be on tv.
I will not cry. I WILL NOT CRY!
Next is Ariel’s Mom and Fiance.
Still not crying. I refuse.
And next………..Cueballs wife and child.
Ok so maybe I’m leaking a little. I have allergies.
After what seems like about 12 seconds it’s time for the family members to go. After Ramsay kicks them out he reminds them that their next dinner service may be their last. Or they could be the next Head Chef at Araxi. No pressure. He also reminds One Arm that he’s not sure about him but he can continue. I say he takes it all.
What do you guys think? We’ll find out on the 2 hour season finale!
love and smooches,