Hell’s Kitchen: Beef. It’s What’s For Dinner.

Hell's Kitchen

By PottyMouth | | 7:30 pm | 20 Comments

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, the gang takes a field trip, learn some life lessons about meat and where our food comes from, and we get to enjoy the juicy squishy sounds of vomit. Hope you have those barf bags ready Gasmii!!

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Time for the weekly bitch/smoke session. Hot topic tonight? Ji was a wonderful warrior. The sun shone from her ass. Discuss among yourselves. Andrea is particularly fired up about this, telling her team that Ji at 50% is better than SOME of the people here at 110%. Team building at its best.

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Ji, Did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You’re everything, everything, I wish I could be…

She’s jabbing her finger in Colon’s direction as she’s saying it, but Colon is a smart cookie. Just smile and wave, Colon, smile and wave. Still itching for some sort of fight, Andrea turns her focus away from Colon and on to PrettyGirl.

“I’ll tell you what, you had a saving grace tonight, and you better fucking prove yourself.” PrettyGirl doesn’t like the way that was said, informing Andrea, “You just turned on your bitch switch.” Andrea’s basically like you’re fucking right I did, and you hit it every time.

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UGH. It’s not like I ditched them during our punishment or anything. Bitches.

PrettyGirl doesn’t think this is going to help the fucking team. Andrea asks us why PrettyGirl couldn’t have twisted HER ankle. Ouch. And hahaha.

Coi joins in about “proving yourself” and “do you really think you deserve to be here”. They’re going on about how they lost one of the strongest people on their team, and Colon is cracking me up here. She’s all dum de dum dum dum, I will not make eye contact, please don’t let anyone look over here…….

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That screen is so interesting. I have never noticed it before. Where would you buy such a thing? It would look great in my cooking school waiting area…….

PrettyGirl has had enough and wants to know if they just want her to quit right now. No? “Then shut the fuck up about it. Seriously.” Well said, PrettyGirl. I don’t think I’ll be agreeing with you often, but this time I do.

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Please stop making sense. Immediately. It’s too disturbing for me. Seriously.

We are told by C&A that the chefs finally go to bed at three in the morning, which, whatever. I’m sure they turned in late, but the film we are shown of them at three shows them all sleeping. I’m pretty sure it takes some time to fall asleep.

Fast forward to six. Scott and Gloria go crashing through the dorms banging on cow bells and yelling at everyone to get up. Ben tells us it’s two fucking early o’clock. Ha. Cute. But also? Boo hoo hoo, shut up Ben.

Yes, I’m sure having a cow bell for an alarm is no picnic. Know what else sucks as an alarm? A three year old. Putting his face an inch away from yours and saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy” until you want to throttle him kiss and hug him. Sorry, I just had a flashback. TO FIVE FUCKING AM THIS MORNING.

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Where is the snooze button?!?

Deep Breath.

There are sights in the dorms that I do not need to see….

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AND

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I may be scarred for life. Really show? This is the second week in a row that we have to see these people first thing in the am. Please stop.

They run outside and get into the inconspicuous Hell’s Kitchen vans. Time for a little road trip.

When they arrive at the “undisclosed location”, Scott has a few questions for them. Does anyone have a heart condition? No. Is anyone afraid of heights? WTF?? No. I have a question – does anyone else have the hots for Scott? No? Good. Stay away from him all of you.

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Yum. E.

He throws some duffel bags at them and tells them to get completely dressed, and that they should each grab a barf bag.

PrettyGirl wants to know why she needs a barf bag. “What the hell am I going to see that I need a barf bag?”

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Can someone please explain this sign to me?

They enter the building and it’s……a meat processing plant. Of course, PrettyGirl thinks it’s disgusting. In fact, they all look like they’re pretty grossed out by it, and I don’t get that. I mean, I know not all of them went to culinary school (COLON), but those that did should have had a least one class that dealt with butchering meat. Seth tells us it was insane. There was everything from hooves to livers to intestines.

Scottie the Hottie points out that there are no trash cans in the room. Where’s the area that deals with skinning the cow and beheading it? Is that done at the slaughterhouse? That would have been an AWESOME field trip.

Robert tells us there’s blood on the ground and bodies hanging, and pretty much yuck. But again, so what? Do none of these people know where their food comes from? I find the whole “it’s so icky” thing to be ridiculous.

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Keep the scary meat away from me!

Scott takes them over to one of the refrigerated rooms so that he can show them where the different cuts come from on a side of beef. It looks to be pretty cold in that room, but PrettyGirl looks bored. Hey Stupid!! You can be sure that he’s not showing you this for your health so you may want to pay attention. What a dumbass.

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When’s lunch?

Colon tells us she grew up in Omaha, Nebraska, the beef capital of the USA. Is that official? Let me check…..I cannot find the evidence to support this claim. From the cattle report on the USDA website, it looks like Texas has more cattle than Nebraska. Substantially more. And in my search I have also discovered that North Carolina is apparently the bacon capital of the USA.

Wow. Things I never thought I’d want to know. Actually, I still don’t want to know them. But now I do. Thanks, Colon. This will make for interesting small talk at the next party I go to.

While I was busy trying to decipher cattle reports, Colon has gone on to tell us that her grandmother was a butcher. So this environment is definitely not new to her. Whatev, Colon, I’m still annoyed with you.

And with that, the field trip is over. They head back to Hell’s Kitchen.

Once there, they discover that Chef Ramsey is not alone. He has been spending the day with a couple of cows.

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NO, not those two cows, Bessie and Jellybean….

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That feels goooooood.

Danny tells us he knew as soon as he saw the cows that you better have been paying attention in the meathouse. Uh, Danny? I knew when you went to the meathouse you had better be paying attention. Duh.

Chef Ramsey truly needs to know if all of them know their meat. I’m guessing Charlie does NOT know his meat.

There are two tables, both with cloths covering them. Scott and Gloria pull the cloths away to reveal several different cuts of meat. Wow, that’s so out of left field.

There are two parts to this challenge. First….one person at a time runs over to the table and identifies each cut of meat (with the provided labels). There are eight cuts to i.d. Once they have all eight cuts correctly labeled, they can move on to the next round where they will label which part of the cow that each cut comes from.

As they each finish their turn, the person will ring the cow bell to find out the count of the incorrect vs. correct labels. Because you can never have enough cow bell.

Ramsey tells them, “Trust me; you do not want to lose this challenge.”

Ok, who’s going first for the men? Robert immediately says Ben’s name. Ramsey finds it interesting that Ben’s going first since Giovanni used to work at a steakhouse. Giovanni’s all, “Hello? Didn’t even get a chance to speak.” And he’s right. Not sure why Ramsey jumped up his ass about that. It’s not like Giovanni said he wanted Ben to go first.

So! Ben is going first for the guys, and Andrea is going first for the girls. Let’s see how they do. Ben got one wrong. Giovanni, you’re up. Andrea gets two wrong, so Paula is up. Giovanni and Paula each get them all right, so both teams are on to round two.

In round two, J is up first for the guys, Colon for the girls. J gets three wrong, and Seth is up. Colon thinks it’s difficult to do this when you have people screaming at you. Insightful. She also has three wrong, so PrettyGirl is up.

Seth tells us that meat is one of his fortes. He EASILY got like six or seven out of eight, without even looking. And he does get seven. WRONG. Bwa hahahahahaha. Not only that, he also gets berated for not ringing the bell properly. Ahhh, that was fun.

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Sorry, I thought it was opposite day.

How’s PrettyGirl doing in this Clash of the Titanically Inept? This is her chance to show her team that she can step up and deserve to be here. Or? Not.

She screws around for so long that Robert has time to take his turn and come back for the men. Not that he’s very helpful. The men now have six wrong. PrettyGirl finally rings her bell, and now she has six wrong. Will this challenge ever end???

Ben and Paula, please save us. Ben quickly runs out and back and the men have won. Jeesh. Finally. Ben celebrates. Intensely.

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I am the Meat Master!

Robert celebrates in a completely different way.

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Oh Bessie, I am a lonely, lonely man.

Charlie tells us that the men are a force to be reckoned with, and their multiple wins are like a kick in the teeth to the morale of the girls. Ouch.

Ramsey tells the ladies that their performance was pathetic. Coi is tired of losing. You know, unlike the rest of her team – they love to lose. They are going to be busy busy busy. Several sides of beef are going to be arriving for butchering. Sounds like a party!

Guys, as the winners you will going on the most amazing trip. Wine-tasting at Santa Inez. I have no idea if that’s spelled correctly, or where Santa Inez is. I thought Napa was wine country. After getting stuck reading cattle reports, I refuse to look it up. California Gasmii! Can one of you enlighten us?

So they’re going to the wine-tasting, and after that they are going to have the most amazing dinner in a beautiful steakhouse. Unfortunately there’s a bit of bad news.

How many people thought Robert was going to get the shaft again? Raise your hands. Me too.

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Me three.

But the bad news is that they won’t be going in a limo, they’ll be flying in a private jet. The guys are thrilled. The girls all look like they just ate a Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean. Vomit flavor. Ahhh, the taste of defeat.

Andrea tells us that they got slaughtered again. Heh. Oh, and everything is an absolute cluster fuck with them. Well, stop bitching and moaning and pull it together.

Upstairs the guys are getting ready for their trip. Robert goes out to have a smoke with the girls. He points out to them that he is wearing his wedding shoes. And we get an increasingly high pitched aaawwwwwww from the girls. You see, tomorrow would have been his wedding day.

As they talk to him, I am distracted by the random white wire snaking across his outfit. What the fuck is that? At first I thought maybe i-pod headphones, but the wire seems too thick for that. Any ideas?

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Really, WTF is that?!?

So he tells us that they decided as a couple that being on Hell’s Kitchen was the most important thing for their future right now. I hope they cancelled early enough to avoid losing tons and tons of money.

I think the girls all love Robert as much as I do. Won’t it suck for all of us if he turns out to be a colossal dickhead?

While the guys jet off to wine country, the girls are getting ready to deal with a whole lotta beef.

Now, I’m not trying to minimize the amount of work they have to do, but this meat truck looks pretty empty. AND it looks like a good amount of it is broken into smaller parts than just a side of beef. There is, however, ONE whole side of beef.

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Exhibit A.

Andrea tells us it was disgusting and shocking, and like something straight out of a Godfather movie. Ummm, I disagree. I don’t recall any sides of beef in the Godfather movies. Horse head? Yes. Cattle? No. Sorry, Andrea you are w-r-o-n-g.

They have to carry the side of beef into the kitchen, and I am sure that it was NO fun. PrettyGirl tells us that the bones kept digging into her shoulder. Not only that, she kept losing her grip because the fat was melting from their body heat. Ok, that IS gross.

PrettyGirl takes a fall when they get the meat to the counter, and for a minute the girls think someone is bleeding. But it is just the cow.

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Noooo, not her. God, you guys are so mean.

PrettyGirl tells us that this punishment sucks. Maybe a six hour nap will make it better. She is holding onto her back as they go out to unload more beef. I was convinced she was going to try to pull some sort of bullshit, but she hangs in there with the rest of the team.

C&A: “While the women are in udder hell, the men are getting a taste of heaven.” Ok, I have to admit, I did chuckle at that one.

Blah blah blah wine-tasting.

Back to the ladies. Breaking down the cow. LA has cow fat in her hair. That is Gnarly. It seems that the women may be bonding a little over this punishment about how they don’t want to lose anymore.

Back to the guys, who are now at their amazing steakhouse dinner. Holy Shit, those steaks are HUGE. Ramsey talks to them about the simplicity of the steaks, and how they’re not trying to be all fancy. The guys aren’t about being all fancy either. Seriously, they have some of the most disgusting table manners I have ever seen.

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You are a fucking PIG!!

Back at Hell’s Kitchen, Chef Ramsey has arranged a special lunch for the women, you know, so they’re not left out. Oh yummy, looks like an offal feast for them. And here are some barf bags, in case you don’t feel well. This should be fun.

I gotta say this, if cooked the right way, some of that stuff can be pretty tasty. But here, it looks like it’s all just been boiled or something. I know, I know, the point of this is less about them appreciating something new, and more about seeing how soon the barfing will begin.

PrettyGirl immediately says she can’t do it. But Coi tells her to shut the fuck up and eat. They all dig in. LA tells us she is one of those people that pukes if she hears other people puking. Good luck, LA.

First barfer? PrettyGirl. Followed by LA. Well, she did warn us. And then it begins. Andrea is barfing. And barfing. And mother of all things holy, I thought I was going to lose it too. She is not a quiet barfer.

Colon has put her fingers in her ears. It looks like many of the girls have followed suit and are trying to block the noise out. But what about the smell?!?!?!? That’s what would get me, since they all seem to have their barf bags and buckets at the table. Plech.

To her credit, it looks like Barfy McBarferson keeps trying. She is telling her team that this is not going to break her. “This is far worse than anything Ramsey could ever fucking say to me.”

This may be the kick in the pants the ladies have needed to get them motivated and working as a team. I would like to thank the show for motivating me to stay on my diet. Between the men eating and the ladies barfing, I may never want to eat again. Well, ok, I won’t want to eat for the next five or six minutes. Every little bit counts!

When we return from the commercials, the guys are just getting back. Wow. What gentlemen they are, even going so far as to offer to help the girls finish out their punishment. What class.

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I know you’re all happy and everything that you won, but seriously? I can’t stand the fucking gloating. I just can’t. It’s always the ones that do the most gloating and rubbing it in that turn out to be the biggest fucking cry babies when they lose. Ugh, just shut up and go upstairs dickwads.

Fast forward to the next day. Chef Ramsey has made a major change for today. Since they now know so much more about meat, Hell’s Kitchen is going to be an amazing steakhouse for this evening. Chef? Please get a thesaurus and find a word other than amazing. I am amazingly over it. Please and thank you!

Giovanni is confident that the men will win. After all, he is a chef at a steakhouse. In the bag, baby!

But wait. There is a twist. Tonight there will be two seatings. One team will cook, one team will serve. Then they’ll close, reset and do it again, but opposite.

The men start prepping. Andrea rounds up the ladies for a little pep talk first. They want to win. I don’t think the guys helped themselves with their dickish attitudes. If I was the girls, I’d want to wipe the floor with them.

As the winners of the challenge, the men have chosen to go first. Giovanni thinks it would be really embarrassing to lose on this one. They are dedicating this service to Robert’s fiancé. Just what I’m sure she always wanted. How romantic. I’m getting verklempt. Hope that works out well for you!

Open Hell’s Kitchen. Let’s go. Each team has two hours to feed as many diners as they can.

The girls start taking orders. But not delivering tickets to the kitchen. I can’t tell if they’re taking their time on purpose, or if they’re just inept. JP is getting frustrated. PrettyGirl wants JP to leave her alone. Twenty minutes go by before the first orders go in.

Ramsey starts to call out the first order, but pauses to tell Charlie to unfold his arms. No hostility in the kitchen please! After he finishes calling out the order, he says “Desserts pickup.” This will cause issues shortly.

Meanwhile, Charlie has yet to fire the shrimp for the Caesar salads. Ramsey thinks it’s unbelievable that they’re already in the shit over a salad. Yeah, that is kind of lame.

Also lame? Charlie has set his cloth on fire. Ramsey’s yelling at him “Your cloth’s on fire!” He continues to cook those shrimp. I wonder if he thinks Ramsey is talking to someone else. Ramsey sends Scott over before Charlie sets the whole place on fire.

Charlie: “I’m doing my best, Chef.” Scott walks by, grabs the cloth off the grill and says, “If that’s your best, you might want to rethink your best a little bit.” Without ever stopping. Oh Scott, I never knew you were funny as well as hot. Call me!

And now, highlarity. Thirty minutes into service, Ben is bringing desserts up to the pass. C&A: “Unfortunately, having desserts ready before the appetizers, is not exactly what Chef Ramsey had in mind.” Too Fucking Funny.

Even Seth thinks that’s embarrassing. Ramsey wants to know if Ben’s stupid. No, Chef. Apparently Ben misinterpreted “pickup desserts” to mean “give me the desserts now.” Honestly, it does seem a little suspect. Also? I don’t care, because it cracked me up.

Ramsey is not through with him yet. He wants to know if Ben’s been drinking or sniffing something. Heh. Nope. He pushes him out of the kitchen, telling him to go upstairs and lie down. And as he walks away…..Ben runs back into the kitchen. Hee.

How are things going out in the dining room? Well, now that you mention it….one of PrettyGirl’s customers didn’t know there would be anchovies on her Caesar salad. When PrettyGirl tries to bring it back to the kitchen, Ramsey tells her she got what she asked for. He thinks she finds this funny, she says she’s trying not to cry. He also calls her Britney Spears and a jumped-up bitch. Ha.

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Oops! I did it again.

Giovanni is in charge of the steaks. Duh. We’ve only been told like four THOUSAND times that he’s a chef at a steakhouse. He is trying to get the steaks out quickly. By undercooking them. Severely.

The first one we see get sent back is still cold in the middle. Yum. I like my steak still mooing. Ramsey is not impressed with Giovanni’s steak skills. More and more of the steaks get sent back, and Ramsey is losing his shit. Giovanni is not happy with himself either. Good to know they’re on the same page.

Thirty minutes remain in the first seating. JP is not looking happy. One of the tables has been forgotten. Any guess as to who the server is? PrettyGirl! I know, I know, I never would have guessed she’d fuck it up either! Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything, right?

She whines at JP that she’s never waited tables before. And he is too funny as he makes fun of her to her face. I cannot adequately describe it for you, so please to enjoy:

JP, you are the best!

When she gives Ramsey the ticket he wants to know why it’s taken so long. JP totally rats her out and says she forgot about it. Ha. These people should always be nice to JP – he can make or break you!!

I don’t have to tell you that Ramsey is not pleased. PrettyGirl: “Yeah, fuck off with me, I know.” Ok, she made me laugh with that one.

Ramsey calls out PrettyGirl’s forgotten order, and Giovanni informs him that they only have one filet left. I need a macro for “Chef Ramsey is not happy.” I’m sick of typing that over and over again.

Ramsey tells Seth to cut more steaks. Seth tries to do a British accent in his interview. Seth should never do that again.

Seth does not know how to break down a tenderloin. He usually buys his steaks already cut. So he asks Charlie for help, who quickly shows him that the fat needs to be trimmed first. J is floored that he has never cleaned a tenderloin, “Where have you worked?” This is from the food court chef.

Ummm, the amount of meat that Seth has trim off the tenderloin is unreal. And he knows he has fucked up royally. He proceeds to put all the trimmed pieces in one of those kitchen vats/bins and tries to hide it in the fridge. Seth, I can tell you that never works. My mom always caught me when I tried to hide something.

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Sure enough, Ramsey sees him hiding something in the fridge and goes over to investigate. Get ready people, I predict it will be cloudy with a chance of meat.

This calls for a team meeting. Everyone! Gather round. Ramsey lines the filet up next to what Seth took off, and they are almost the same size. He has wasted the most expensive part! So obviously, it should be thrown at him. I mean, it’s not like the waste could be salvaged or anything – you couldn’t trim it the proper way and then cube it for stir fry, or grind it for burgers or meatloaf or anything, right? Ben, what are your thoughts?

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Chef Ramsey doesn’t understand how he could do that. Seth’s reply is that he has never butchered a filet before. But now he knows for next time. Super!

With two minutes left to go, Giovanni needs four minutes for the NY Strip. Switch it off!!!!!

On to the Ladies. Can they do better?

The girls are fired up. So much so that Andrea forgets there are customers in the dining room as she yells to the boys that they are going to kick their a……..butts. Oopsy.

Ramsey reads off the first order, which includes four Caesar salads, two shrimp, two plain. While the ladies get to work, we go back to the dining room.

So Charlie pretty much sucks my left tit as a waiter. He has already forgotten whether or not he’s taken the order at one of his tables. So he asks Ben to go over and ask them. Ben’s reaction mirrors my own.

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Ben does go ask the table if they’ve had their order taken. They have. But now they are looking for their butter. Cue Charlie running over with butter. Ben actually tries to help him out here by joking with the customers that Charlie was busy churning the butter in the back. Okey dokey!

Back in the kitchen, Ramsey is looking for those four salads. Colon’s got them. Well, she has two. One shrimp, one plain. But he asked for four. She starts to make another two, and Ramsey thinks she’s doing this on purpose. She’s not, she thought you said two.

Colon tells us, “There’s always that person in your life that’s gonna be grumpy and not be nice, and then there’s the one like Chef Ramsey who’s the arrogant, vicious attack dog!” Wow. He is really getting to her.

Another order comes in. Four salad, three shrimp, one plain. Ramsey makes Colon come up to him and repeat the order. “Four Caesar salads, Chef. Three shrimp, one plain.” Again. “Four Caesar salads, Chef. Three shrimp, one plain.” One more. “Four Caesar salads, Chef. Three shrimp, one plain.” Last time. “Four Caesar salads, Chef. Three…….uuuhhhhh…..” Ramsey walks away. “She’s not normal. She cannot be normal.” Hee hee.

PrettyGirl would like to take this opportunity to show her support for her teammate. “My Gawd, Colon! If we lose tonight, and I go home, I swear to God, I hope you can’t sleep at night. Because you deserve to go home. More than I do.” WoW.

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J-Mo, this blow job face is dedicated to you.

Colon is now completely lost and frazzled. All she can recall about the order is that he keeps making her yell. Pull it together Colon!

They are 45 minutes in. Salads are leaving the kitchen, and then, they are coming back. The shrimp is raw in the middle. LA doesn’t understand how you can fuck up Caesar salad with shrimp. Oh, you can fuck up pretty much anything, LA, if you try hard enough.

Re-fire the salads!!

But lest you think Colon is the only one with issues right now, we rejoin Charlie. Charlie has apparently dumped bacon bits all over one of his tables. It’s so bad, that they’ve even got bacon bits in their water. Tasty! Why is Charlie walking around with tons of bacon bits?

JP is not amused. It is quite embarrassing. He wants to know if Charlie has apologized, and then tells him to go clean it up. I think JP must dread any time Ramsey sends the chefs into the dining room. He is looking ultra pissy tonight. Poor JP.

Less than thirty minutes to go. Andrea is on the meat station. Can she doooo it? Yes! She kicks butt here, so good for her.

Uh oh. Steaks are coming back. That’s sure to end badly for her. Here comes Ben. His customer ordered medium rare, and it’s rarer than he would like, so he’d like it re-fired. And I brace myself for it. Surely Ramsey is going to chew Andrea a new one, right?

WRONG suckas! The customer ordered medium rare, and the steak is cooked perfectly. “Fuck off with you.” Ha! In your face, Ben!

LA would like to think it wasn’t sabotage, but there were a lot of steaks coming back. Looks like Ramsey isn’t buying it. Seth tries next. Denied!! Cooked perfect. He can also fuck off.

Seth admits that they’re trying to sabotage the girls. He explains why by saying “They did it first”, and also, “Nanny nanny boo boo. Girls are icky.”

Time is running out, can they beat the guys? The suspense is killing me!! Three orders left. There’s some confusion at the end about NY Strip versus Ribeye, and then time is called.

Let’s line up in the kitchen to see how everyone did. They will be judged on the performance of the dining room, cooking ability, and feedback from every customer. Who will win the coveted worst waiter award? Aahh, Charlie and PrettyGirl. Well done, you both worked hard for it.

But the ultimate question of the night is who served the most entrees? Drum roll please……….it’s the red team!!!!!! Woo hoo!! Oh yeah. Word to your mother.

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The joy of victory.

LA was kinda hoping they would lose so they could get rid of some of the dead weight on their team. Nice.

Guys, you know the drill. Two nominees. Now, fuck off.

While the girls celebrate, the guys talk about how it shoulda been a cakewalk, and how much longer the girls took to get tickets in than they did. Did they also undercook the meat that came out of your kitchen? No? Then quit yer belly-aching.

Ben says his two nominees are going to be Charlie and Seth. Giovanni has the same two. Charlie does not want to go out like that. He’s voting for Giovanni. Seth also wants to nominate Giovanni using the rationale that he wants to get rid of the strongest people first. Danny agrees with Seth. Giovanni doesn’t think that’s fair. HE thinks that going after the best makes you a punk and a pussy.

Downstairs we go. J, first nominee and why. First nominee would be Seth. Seth rolls his eyes at this and says “plffpf .” Why? Well, I’m glad you asked. It’s because he is a giant douchebag and we all hate his guts.

But really? J is so eloquent in his response that I just must share….”Well his kitchen etiquette, he really doesn’t have much kitchen etiquette, his experience, uuhh…unfortunately he doesn’t have that much experience, he’s got a lot to learn.” From the FOOD COURT CHEF!!!!!!! I mean, sorry but, really? Shut. It. J.

Second nominee and why. Second nominee is Charlie. “Execution tonight was a little off, in front of the house, he definitely didn’t meet the par that we needed to uh, achieve.” Seriously, J is a fucking idiot. Speak English you fuckwit!!

Seth would like to poll the jury. He is unsure that J is allowed to speak for everybody. J tells him that Chef Ramsey asked him, so he told, so “keep your mouth shut.” Ha. All Seth wanted to do was make sure everyone is in agreement with what J is saying.

Ok, enough of this nonsense. Seth and Charlie step forward.

Charlie, why should you stay?

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Because I shaved my pubeard for you. Oh, AND I can cook my ass off. Not when you’re around, but I really can do it, I have so much more to show you. Also? I have more experience than Seth. AND. I really want to be here.

Seth? Why should you stay in Hell’s Kitchen?

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I think Charlie’s comment is a great one, and I want you to paint a canvas for me, and teach me what I need to know, and I’ll see your true colors shining through, I’ll see your true colors, and that’s why I love you, so don’t be afraid to let them show…..I’m absolutely loving being yelled at…..I absolutely have so much left in me, absolutely, absolute resolute, absolutely…….

During his three hour monologue, we see the girls yawning and laughing and the guys looking at him like he’s a nut. Finally Ramsey asks, “Where’s the off button?”

Cue montage o’suck.

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen tonight is….Charlie. The guys are displeased. Ramsey says he needs to see it and feel it and after three services, he doesn’t. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

Seth has been humbled by this experience.

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Suck it bitches!!

Next time on Hell’s Kitchen, (well, sort of)

Additionally, Colon gets yelled at some more, Robert breaks out his Ramsey impersonation, and Chef Ramsey witnesses something he thought he’d never see…..all on the most controversial Hell’s Kitchen yet!!!!

Promises, promises.

SWAK, PottyMouth

PottyMouth

When she isn't screaming curses at various dance show judges or washing her OWN mouth out with soap, PottyMouth is a proud mama to a gorgeous little boy. And yes, she knows everyone says that about their kids, but it's true when she says it. YES IT IS. Fuck you. She also laments throwing away the chance to be a trophy wife, and would like to find a rich husband so she can sit on her ass all day long and watch TV. If you are fabulously wealthy, look like Hugh Jackman (or ARE in fact Hugh Jackman), and are turned on by foul-mouthed, mature, slightly smooshy women, then she just may be the gal for you. Please send picture, references and your latest bank statement for review.

20 Comments

  1. 1
    angelbayyb
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    why was giovanni sleeping on the couch in the living room?? doesn’t he have his own bed?

    maybe robert was snoring too loud

  2. 2
    angelbayyb
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    also, the white wire on robert is his mic.. looks like they hooked it on him last second cuz in the next scene it isnt visible

  3. 3
    yeschef
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Yep that was Robert’s mic. Everyone has a mic on them so you can hear everything they say. In addition to 24/7 video surveliance from multiple hidden cameras and two or three camera crews they are wired up.

    Yep the offal wouldn’t have been seasoned or cooked to be tastefull. It’s what they feed the students in some culinary schools to cause the non serious students to rethink their choice of carear and a lot of the class does barf.

    Colleges have classes that like to shock you about the reality of what you are studying such as the room full of skulls or grab something from a tank full of liquid. With the something being a human body part.

  4. 4
    cattyfan
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    “Sorry, I thought it was opposite day” In that screen cap, Seth looks like Zach Braff to me¦and that isn’t a compliment. I think it’s the weak chin.

    Where does Hell’s Kitchen get restaurant guests willing to eat the practice food coming out of the kitchen¦and often leave without having been fed because the kitchen closes early after Ramsey gets sick of his minions screwing up? That would really be a sucky place for a date¦

  5. 5
    yeschef
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    They either come from people who know people at Fox and the affiliated companies or they respond to craigslist ads.

    Now they get lots of free wine or other compensation so people aren’t that upset plus when they do work things out the food is of exceptional quality with certain dishes that are quite rare to find in US restaurants. It’s food worth hundreds of dollars.

    John Dory is an imported fish for example that is rarely served in the states.

  6. 6
    FreewayShark
    Posted February 22, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    PottyMouth, I’ll help you out with the Wince country question. Napa is the Northern wine country while Santa Ynez is the southern wine country in Santa Barabra county. The movie Sideways was shot on location in the Santa Ynez valley.

  7. 7
    LisaMay
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 6:39 am

    J.P. should have his own show!!!

  8. 8
    jennaboa
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 6:53 am

    “… looks like Texas has more cattle than Nebraska …”

    Texas has more cattle per capita than people. (Thanks, Jeopardy!)

    Most, if not all, of those cows are more evolved than the frat boys that live in my apartment complex here in Austin.

    Great recap!

  9. 9
    rubinia
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 10:58 am

    Did anyone else see someone who at least resembled Kristy Swanson ordering food in the dining room?

  10. 10
    Snortles
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 11:14 am

    Could we all pass a hat and take up a donation to have PrettyGirl sent off to exile in a hog farm?

  11. 11
    wintersux
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Does it say something bad about me that even after watching the offal pukefest that I still went out and had a steak dinner this weekend? It was ribeye, it was medium rare, and it was spectacular!!!

  12. 12
    wintersux
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    This is just my opinion, but if we can put up with Bret Michaels saying that everything is “awesome”, we can sure as @#$* put up with Gordo saying that everything is “amazing”.

  13. 13
    njgasmifan
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Great recap Potty Mouth!
    The screencap of Robert with “Bessie” had me spewing tea on my computer.

    And my favorite moment of the night – JP’s impersonation of Pretty Girl – OMG I had to back that up and run it about 12 times.

    Strikes me they are keeping Seth for comedic relief, but what the hey – between him and Pretty Girl the entertainment level is high.

    I was distracted at the end by the “tin foil” in Charlie’s beard (at least that was my first thought).

    Yeschef, thanks for the offal info (say that 3x fast)- I did not know that about culinary school, but I can see how it would weed out the less serious.

    Thanks Potty Mouth – keep ‘em coming!

  14. 14
    killbondnow
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    And why the heck was GRAM crawling up Giovanni’s ass about the rare steak being cold in the center? Um, dude? It’s SUPPOSED to be!!! A truly, properly cooked rare steak has a cool red center. Jeez, nobody knows what ‘rare’ is anymore… If GRAM thinks that’s wrong, I am never, ever going to eat at one of his restaurants…

    Yes, Santa Ynez is fertile and full of lovely grapes. Best kept secret until ‘Sideways’ ruined it and now everybody goes there… sigh!

  15. 15
    yeschef
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    “And why the heck was GRAM crawling up Giovanni’s ass about the rare steak being cold in the center?”

    Rewatch again. It was too rare. It was basically uncooked with only the surface being slightly cooked. It was red throughout not just the center.
    Hence Gordon saying it was blue. Blue rare or very rare is the offical terms. Also known as Blood rare.

    Rare is actually slighted warm in the middle with a red center.

  16. 16
    PottyMouth
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    You guys are both awesome AND amazing! :)

    angelbayyb: I was thinking it must be a snoring issue, too.

    yeschef: You always have the scoop! I had never heard of the offal challenge at culinary schools – what if someone’s a vegetarian? Yikes!

    cattyfan: I always thought that the people that go there to eat go less for the food and more for the chance of being on TV.

    FreewayShark: Thanks! I am woefully uneducated when it comes to wine.

    LisaMay: Sign me up for that! Love him!

    jennaboa: hahahaha. I just got a vision of mooing fratboys!

    rubinia: I didn’t see her, but several people told me that they did.

    Snortles: I’ll put a buck into the hat.

    wintersux: Sounds delish! Overcooked for me, but delish anyway!

    njgasmifan: That clip never gets old!

    killbondnow: I personally would have loved the cold-in-the-middle steak; I always have to tell them I want mine mooing to get it remotely the way I want it!

    Thanks so much for reading and all your fabulous comments! You guys are the best!

    SWAK, PottyMouth

  17. 17
    yeschef
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Since culinary schools have to teach food prep such as meat and part of cooking is tasting it vegetarians either don’t go to culinary school in the states or Europe or most places in the world or they are only vegetarian at home and not at work unless they work in a vegetarian restaurant.

  18. 18
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted February 24, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    PottyMouth, LOL, thanks for the PrettyGirl blowjobface tribute! I would have seen it sooner but I was in L.A. this past weekend and am just now catching up. You are a sweetie!

    love, J-Mo :)

  19. 19
    teri00
    Posted February 25, 2009 at 8:37 am

    Great recap, PM, and hell yes, Scott is a OMG-level hottie.

    Yum, indeed. :)

  20. 20
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted March 2, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    @ wintersux:
    This is just my opinion, but if we can put up with Bret Michaels saying that everything is “awesome”, we can sure as @#$* put up with Gordo saying that everything is “amazing”.

    wintersux – your comment was ahhsome and I emphatically concur.

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