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Last week we were treated to two entire back to back episodes of Hell’s Kitchen so I decided to something different here and just cover then both in one recap. Besides, I’m lazy and I still have 2 hours of DWTS to do so it just makes sense. Let’s see what the Chefabes are up to in Part One.
Last week Corpseface was sent packing and Suzbland was sent to the Blue Team. Cueball wants her gone immediately. In fact he sits her down and tells her point blank “we don’t like your attitude and we don’t like you.” Instead of getting up and punching him in his shiny ass tater she just yes’s and I’ll try to be good please don’t spank. Ugh.
Cueball keeps yapping about how they will rub her her out like they’ve rubbed out all the weak ones.
Over on the Red Team WhoopiG is nervous since they only have 3 people now. Ariel says Sabrina is a disaster and WhoopiG tells Sabrina she better bring out her inner demons.
Downstairs they all go and they are greeted by Chef Scott. He tells them Gordon would like to speak to them. And a screen drops from the ceiling with Gordon’s bright face on it.
He tells them that he is in Whistler and that since this winter they will be hosting the Alpine skiing events for the 2010 Winter Olympics people from all over the world will be eating at his restaurant the Araxi. Voted restaurant of the year 9 years in a row. He explains that one of them will be working there.
He continues by telling the chefabes that like most of his restaurants they rely on local ingredients. He has had 15 ingredients flown in for them to chose from and make a meal. Heather and Scott bring a tray out for each team. Gordon tells them each team will have to make 3 entree’s, using all 15 ingredients yet never using one twice. He will be flying back in with some special guests for tasting.
As the girls start trying to figure out what to cook, Sabrina is making suggestions yet she is being ignored. Over on the Blue Team the same thing is happening to Suzbland.
Back over to the Red Team WhoopiG and Ariel decide the lamb would go well with cranberries. Only one problem. That’s not lamb.
Sabrina of course is tickled shitless and has absolutely no inclination to splain to them that that is venison, not lamb. Every time they call it lamb, Sabrina giggles.
The Blue Team seems to working well together and then Heather starts counting down the time. Here’s Gordon. And he has guests.
Impressiveness all around. Up first is Cueball and Ariel. Cueball has a Carmalized Salmon and a Pan Seared Leg of Lamb.
Ariel has Grilled Salmon, Melted Leeks and Grilled Shrimp.
Gordon thinks the sauce on the Red Team was too rich and the leeks to heavy. Sasha and Johnny both choose Blue Team.
Second Entree. WhoopiG and One Armed Wonder.
WhoopiG has “A magnificent LAMB.” Hahahaha Gordon yells “What?”
WhoopiG continues to struggle with what the hell she has cooked “UH I uh they well uh I.”
Finally she says “Initially I thought it was lamb but it looks like its….” She leans over and announces it’s venison. Gordon looks over to Ariel and asks what it is. Ariel says “It’s venison Chef.” Like she knew the whole time.
So then Ariel carries the lie further and says that since they work with lamb every day WhoopiG just got confused for a second. LOL.
Over to Dave who has a Rack of VENISON with a Cranberry Sauce.
Johnny thinks the sauce is kinda scary looking. Sasha thinks the Red Teams kale was very good. They both choose Red tying the score at 2-2.
Up next is Sabrina and VanDipDong. Sabrina has LAMB with a Mushroom Something and Jerusalem Artichokes.
Gordon asks VanBrainDead “What is that contraption?”
Oh Lord this shit is contagious. He remembers that it’s grilled shrimp with a uh, uh, braised, uh….until finally Sabrina takes pity on his idiot ass and tells him what it is.
As it turns out Blue wins! The ladies punishment, which by the way Gordon can’t help but snicker at, is to work on a farm. When the guys laugh he tells them to stop. The guys reward will be a trip to a famous restaurant. As Gordon continues to snicker he explains that things can get messy on a farm and out comes Heather with some snazzy duds for the girls. While Gordon was in Whistler he picked up new “beanies” for the Blue Team. He should have gotten Suzbland a ski mask.
To the restaurant the Blue Team goes.
Ya know what this snazzy chef makes them? Grilled cheese sandwiches.
Meanwhile over to the Red Team. Get ready y’all.
They have to load hay bales, feed the chickens, and clean the pig stalls.
WhoopiG keeps trying to puke. They tell her to think of it as mud.
The next day Gordon has a surprise. He tears up his menu and tells the chefabes they will be creating their own menu’s. Red v/s Blue. 3 apps, 3 entree’s, and 3 desserts. Each Chef has to have an imprint on the menu. Off they go to create their menus. The Blue Team seems to know what they want from the start and the Red Team just mumbles and argues.
Downstairs the Blue Team reveals their menu. Roasted Butternut Squash Soup with Whipped Mascarpone, Caramalized Halibut with Fennel and Plum Salad, Seared Diver Scallops with Caviar and Lemon Grass Sauce. Gordon is happy with it and impressed.
Over to the Red Team. Ariel says they will have a Braised Pork Ravioli, Sesame Encrusted Ahi Tuna, Blackened Halibut with Seafood Risotto. Gordon asks if they are happy with the menu and Sabrina says she isn’t in love with WhoopiG’s Asian Salad.
Gordon tells them it’s not the most creative menu and it’s not what he would order but for them to be careful with the spices. Then the women argue. The Blue Team thinks they already won so they are happy as can be.
Hey WhistleBritches, open Hell’s Kitchen!
Tonight each table gets to chose which Team to order from. That means that sometimes people at the same table may be ordering off different menus. Every member on the Blue Team contributed to the menu. On the Red Team Sabrina was the only one who contributed nothing. Unless you call criticism a contribution.
Tickets start coming in. For the Blue Kitchen. Finally someone orders something from the Red Team. WhoopiG is on sides and she has never made Swiss Chard before and asks Ariel to taste it. When she sends it up Gordon screams “Peppery!”
Over on the Blue Team VanDummy seems to have forgotten how to count. Gordon keeps asking him what is 2 times 3. He’s all “huh?” After two or three times he finally figures it out and realizes his mistake. He sent up too many scallops.
Uh oh. Red Teams Pork Ravioli is being sent back due to frostbite. Ariel promises it will never happen again. Over to VanToeCounter and his messed up scallops.
Guess what Ariel does again. Yep. Cold ass ravioli. Gordon rips her a new one and she just keeps saying “Yes Chef.” The Blue Team is doing well until One Armed Wonder goes to pick up a heavy ass pan and pain shoots all the way up to his ear. At first I thought he had burned it but what it was is the nerves that are damaged from the break just got damaged again. He calls for a medic.
One Armed Wonder decides to fight through the pain. Food keeps going out from both sides. Until Sabrina brings everything to a screeching halt. Gordon calls her his little sweetpea and offers to get her a timer.
On the Blue Team DipVanDribble is in such a hurry to get his sauce to the pass that he sloshes it all over the pass, and then starts to walk away. Ha! Not so quick dingbat. Gordon has a hissy. VanPube tries to walk off but Gordon calls him back and yells at him some more.
Over on the Red Team Gordon calls for brocolinni but Whoopi G decides she needs to tidy up first. Gordon keeps telling her to hurry and then tells her to put the brocolini on first and then tidy up next time.
Over on the Blur Team VanPrick keeps sending up raw halibut. Because of this both kitchens are at a stand still.
Oh hell. The halibut is raw again and Gordon slams his hand on it sending little pieces of fish flying everywhere. Now it’s Sabrina’s turn to fuck up the fish. He calls them over, yells. He says it was flipping on the plate it was so raw. LOL. More screaming. Then he tells her if it makes her feel any better, VanStinkle can’t cook halibut either. Then he calls them both over and screams “SWITCH IT OFF”.
Gordon tells them he will keep this short and sweet. No one won. Each team has to pick a name. Upstairs they go to argue it out. Back downstairs Gordon asks Sabrina who they chose. That would be her. He then asks One Armed Wonder and he says Van based on tonight’s performance only but that the weakest chef was Suzbland.
As Gordon starts ripping them a new one about the raw fish, VanSmartass starts his “I’m better than this chef,I ain’t ready to throw in the towel.” Blah blah blah. Sabrina claims she has a lot more to give. Gordon tells her to give him her coat. She’s out.
On to Part 2 of this recap. No need to go over what happened since you just read all that.
A new day brings new surprises. They awaken to find presents.
Nope turns out it’s the famous black chef’s coats that means they are now individuals and teams no longer. Yay’s all around. Downstairs Gordon is cooking, for them.
He has made them fillet of beef with truffles. And he has them taste it. Then he informs them that they will be paired up and have to taste the dish and then remake it using their palates to guide them. DippyVanDuh is all a giggle. He says he knew there was a catch. You can’t get anything past him.
The pairs will be VanCrappo and Ariel. WhoopiG and Kevin and One Armed Wonder and Suzbland. OAW is THRILLED.
In comes Scott with a dish for them to look at and taste. The One Armed Wonder tells us the first thing he does is grab a little piece of everything so he can do an autopsy on the plate. uhhh…….eeeeeeeeeeew.
Everyone runs around tasting and then grabbing for ingredients. They have 30 minutes to figure it out and make it. Time flies when you are clueless as hell. Finally time’s up.
Gordon asks Cueball to describe their dish. He says its turbot with sauteed spinach underneath, parsnip puree, grapefruit juice, lime juice, an old shoe. Gordon has a great poker face and is very non committal. He moves on to Van and Ariel. Then to One Armed Wonder and Suzbland. Gordon congratulates them all on getting the fish right but no one got the puree right. It was white onion. Groans all around. He then moves on to WhoopiG and Cueball and asks about their garnish and what was missing.
Gordon says what a shame. He tells the other two couples that only one got the fruit correct. And the winner is….Suzbland and One Armed Wonder! When Gordon says it was passion fruit Suzbland can’t help but say “Yes it was. Yes it was.” Then realizes she’s getting the stink eye from the losers and mumbles “Sorry.”
The winners prize is that they get to eat at Gordon’s restaurant in L.A. and then meet Christina who won Season 4 and she will be cooking them lunch. The losers will be prepping for opening tonight and it’s couples night. Gordon tells them WhistleBritches has a plan to give the place a romantic setting.
Just then WhistleBritches appears and tells the losers they need to unload roses and champagne from the truck outside. Then DoucheVanDick makes the comment that Dave hates Suzbland but they are going on a date. And he starts singing “Dave and Suzanne sitting in a tree…”
In the limo, Gordon is giving One Armed Wonder and Suzbland advice. He explains that while there has to be team effort during service, they are also now individuals. Back at Hell’s Kitchen WhistleBritches is driving everyone nuts. He wants everything removed from the tables. Put this here. Put that there. And WhoopiG is getting pissed. She says she can cook and put food on a table but ironing the table cloths ain’t gonna make the food no better.
Gordon and crew arrive at The London in West Hollywood. He gives them a tour and it is a beautiful place. He then introduces them to Christina. Then as usual he gets the hell outta dodge. As One Armed Wonder and Suzbland eat, Christina sits with then and answers questions. Suzbland wants to know if perhaps she was the know it all of her season.
Suzbland is soaking up the info while Dave is just trying to actually get in a question or two. He asks Christina something and Suzbland tries to answer and he throws his hand up and says “I want to hear it from her.” Hahaha. Christina warns them to be watching for Gordon throwing wrenches into the mix because it’s called Hell’s Kitchen for a reason.
Back at Hell’s, DipVanGrumpyButt is bitching as usual. One Armed and Suzbland come back and One Armed gets the cold shoulder. Finally WhoopiG tells him they need more scallions. Chef comes out to explain what’s going to happen tonight. And to advise them.
He tells them it’s a special night, couples night and they will be serving chopped salad for 2 tableside and the biggest porterhouse steaks I’ve ever seen in my life. He calls it steak for two. Ha! Not if I was there. He assigns Cueball tableside duties. Then he tells them to remember that they are no longer a team but individuals. Which means if you aren’t the best chef out there tonight you may be going home. Hahahaha then he mumbles “Where’s the Belgian fuck?”
Here we go. Couples every where. First off Suzbland gets the tortellini wrong, serving 2 instead of three. And she keeps calling it “tortoloanie”. While she’s screwing up Cueball is table side and trying to make conversation so that the diners won’t know that the kitchen is already screwed.
Gordon is screaming at everyone that timing is crucial and Suzbland needs to get her shit together because she has screwed up the entire flow of the kitchen. Then she tells us “I can’t imagine that you have to be so perfect to win this thing.”
Gordon yells out another order and for some reason VanBunghole decides to cook the entree before the apps are even sent out. And Chef does not like that. He starts to defend himself and Gordon loses his shit.
Oh man then it gets worse. Gordon calls for scallops. As DipVanEeeww is cooking them we see this.
Gordon screams at him that he’s sweating in the food. Dumbass is all “It’s hot Chef.” Yeah no shit! Then Gordon keeps up his tirade with some shit about “Hey, here ya go, that one has a touch of Van on it.” LOLOLOL! Meanwhile VanSweaty tells us that every night Chef makes him look like a bitch. No dude you do that shit all on your own.
The kitchen is in chaos because of Suzblands lack of ability and VanStinky’s stupidity. Apps and entrees are going out at the same time and it’s confusing. WhoopiG is on meat and seems to be getting things going again. She has taken charge and Gordon compliments her on it. WhoopiG is deliriously happy.
WhoopiG further impresses him with her perfectly cooked lamb. She tells us she better stay perfect or Chef will shove that lamb right up her ass.
Gordon yells out more orders. One of them being halibut. Guess what happens? IT’S RAW! Gordon makes everyone come over and look while wandering around repeating it’s not possible. Then he slides down the wall and is basically in a fetal position.
Then Gordon takes VanSoGone into the pantry and screams at him and tells him if it happens one more time he’s out. As Gordon walks back into the kitchen Ariel has left a pan of burning shit on the stove. Ariel apologizes over and over. Gordon starts muttering “This is not possible!” Then he calls for Scott and they LEAVE THE RESTAURANT.
Nobody seems to know what to do except WhoopiG so she takes control. Or tries to. Ariel gives her some lip about needing to catch up. Then Ariel mutters “I am fucking over this shit.” Then she whines to the camera about how “when you see a team mate in trouble let them get their shit together. It’s called having someones back.” No dingbat, it’s called get your shit together or get thrown out.
The more WhoopiG calls for the further behind Ariel falls. One Armed Wonder jumps in to help her but even he sees she seems to have given up. At one point I do believe Ariel tells WhoopiG to fiuck off but WhoopiG doesn’t care as long as she gets the food out. Now there’s a new problem. There’s a ton of food at the pass and no Chef Scott or Chef Gordon to be found. What to do?
Cueball takes over and sends the food out then heads back out to the table side. Leaving Suzbland to take over. She mumbles “Too bad I don’t know how to plate this.” She makes VanFollower do the plating. He does and then tells her to send it. She refuses because she thinks this might be a test. You better hope not because if it is….
VanPoo sends it out as the rest of the chefs get into a groove. All except for VanShaky. This pisses WhoopiG off.
Suddenly Ramsay is back and he calls them all together only to kick Ariel, VanCrappy, and Suzbland out. VanGross is screaming his head off and having a fit and then he SPITS IN THE FLOOR!
Back in the kitchen WhoopiG, One Arm and Cueball finish service. Gordon calls WhoopiG over and tells her that’s the best anyone has ever cooked meat.
Gordon call the three together and tells them that he has never been so frustrated before that he walked out of his own kitchen. He also tells them there is no way in hell any of the three of them are going home. He wants them to choose 2 people. They go up to talk it over. They all know that VanAssWipe sucked major ass but One Arm has a plan. He wants to get rid of Ariel as she is a stronger cook in his eyes. They all agree on Suzbland and Ariel. Have these people NOT been paying attention at all? Downstairs they go.
Chef asks them who the nominees are. One Arm says Suzbland because she flatly refused to push the food out. Second nominee. Ariel. And Gordon makes this face.
When Gordon asks him why he said “because she had the lettuce burning incident.” LOL. Gordon asks WhoopiG if she agrees that Ariel & Suzbland are the weakest chefs in the kitchen. Because she has sense and sees the writing on the wall she says ” In my honest opinion chef, I do not believe Ariel is the weakest chef in the kitchen. Suzanne and Van should be up there Chef.”
Gordon says he has mixed feelings about all three and he calls them all three forward. He asks the usual why should you stay crap and we get the usual answers. VanSeeYa has one of his hissies and says he’s tired of being on the chopping block. Blah blah blah. Gordon thinks for a second and calls Ariel down, then tells her to get back in line lol. Oh Gordon!
The person getting the hell out is……..DIPVANDONGHEADEDBASTARDSPITINTHEFLOOR….asshole! YAY!!!!!
Gordon tells him he can cook but needs to keep his cool. They do the usual rerun of episodes past and then he’s out the door. And he actually says “Van’s the man.” Ugh.
Gordon thanks WhoopiG for her honesty and then tells everyone goodnight. One Arm tells us that WhoopiG blindsided him and she’s a fake and she better watch out because he’s dangerous in this game. Oh settle down Frances. If she hadn’t have been honest her ass would’ve been in a sling. So shut it.
WhoopiG cries and says all she has is her integrity and no one thought she could do this and she screams at the camera “I”M BRINGING IT HOME!
Well sweeties it’s been a long one. I’m going to soak my hands in ice and stare off into space.
Love and smooches!