Hell’s Kitchen: “The Dinner Service Massacre”

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, it’s kid’s night! So the culinary warriors have the complicated duty of preparing fine delicacies such as pasta, onion rings and hamburgers. It should be easy, right?

I mean, kids will eat anything.After last week’s elimination, Chef Ramsay is furious with the chefs for showing him the worst dinner service in the history of the show. The men nervously laugh it off, and as usual the ladies cry. Vanessa is still feeling like part of her died and simply cannot shake her raw beef failure.

As the chefs lounge around, puffing away, trying to relax, Rams’ voice comes over the P.A. system and tells them to get downstairs and clean the kitchen.

Corey, per usual, is a jerk and starts bossing everyone around. She says that she’s too tired to clean, so everyone else needs to hurry up and get it done. She lazily watches as the broom slides down the fridge and falls to the ground, then shrugs and doesn’t bother to pick it up.

After complaining about the other girls, Corey storms upstairs to go to sleep without doing anything to help. It’s enough to even rile up this season’s very own Silent Bob: Shayna, who thinks that Corey is a lazy jerk.

On this very special episode of Hell’s Kitchen, Shayna gets a personality.

The next morning, all the contestants line up in the kitchen and Gordo asks who is the strongest member on the Red Team. Corey automatically raises her hand high, but the rest of the members ignore her and say it’s Jen. This actually really surprises me. I kind of thought that Christina seemed like the strongest. But I guess maybe there is more to Jen than just a loud mouth in a bandana.

Corey volunteers to win the Double Chin Contest.

Gordon then asks why it’s not Corey, and Shayna is still feeling vocal and snitches on Corey’s early bed time the night before. Corey blows it off by saying everyone else is just threatened. That’s right. Because you are an amazing chef AND have that hot bod! Yeah right. And my left butt check is made out of Frooty Pebbles!

Gordo then poses the same question to the men, and they all say that it’s Ben. That’s more predictable. It looks like Ben and Toilet Brush are probably the most consistent. Even though something about Ben’s face looks like a loveable inch worm to me. Like a muppet caterpillar perhaps!

Because they’ve hit a new low for Hell’s Kitchen, tonight will be family night with a brand new menu. The menu items are kid-friendly and so should be easy to handle. Just going with the rat theme, I think that Petrozza would make a really wonderful Chuck E. Cheese.

How did any of us survive childhood without being eaten by that bloodthirsty thing?

Gordon says that one of the staples for family night will be pasta, which Rosann knows well because she’s Italiano! Fahgetaboutit! (No, I’m not making fun of her. She actually said that.) This week’s challenge is to make pasta from scratch. And whoever makes the most perfect pasta in 20 minutes wins.

The men do better at cranking the pasta machine because they have more muscle power. But Jen is cranking so hard that it looks like her eyes are about to pop out of her head. Meanwhile, cringing Matt doesn’t help at all. Literally. He just stands there with his arms out waiting to hold the pasta. And Craig is messing up again! Come on, man! Live up to your hat!

“Oh wait. This isn’t a scarecrow competition?”

Before even examining the pasta, Gordon praises everyone’s effort and energy. The team that weighs in with the most pasta – that is perfect to Gordon’s standards – will win. The men have 1.39 pounds on one of Matt’s arms. The ladies do a beautiful job and have 2.66 pounds on one of Shayna’s arms. On Matt’s other arm, there is 5.48 pounds. Shayna’s other arm holds 6.57 pounds. And I’m really bad at math, so I have no idea what any of that means. But I guess the women win because they seem really excited.

That pasta is magically delicious!

The men will have to prep all day long for both kitchens, and the women will go celebrate their win at Santa Monica pier in a Hummer limousine. The men, again, scapegoat Craig because he stood around looking clueless during all the pasta madness.

Everyone goes back to the house to get ready for their respective days, and this is when we find out about Ben’s nasty habit. Apparently, not only does he chew tobacco, which is gross enough as it is, but he then spits it out into plastic bottles and leaves the bottles all over the house. Nasty! He must have learned this from Fatso the Redneck Boob! Why must Fatso live on?!

Ben’s special sauce.

Christina runs outside to find Ben and says that since she doesn’t leave tampons on the sink, he shouldn’t leave his nasty spit in the kitchen where they eat. In a huff, Ben gets up to go throw away the poison loogy.

In the kitchen, Ben finds Rosann complaining about how the men don’t clean their own dishes. She says that she’s going to start putting their filth in their beds. So then Ben does a mediocre imitation of Rosie, yelling about the dishes. Whoa. I really wouldn’t mess with Rosie. I bet she has an in with the mob. Someone’s gonna get whacked. If Ben shows up missing in the next episode, I won’t be surprised.

The ladies get into their limo and head to the pier, which looks like a blast. They ride the amusement park rides, hang out in the sun and play carnival games.

Doesn’t this look like an intro for a lame show on ABC Family?

Meanwhile, the men are cranking out pasta in the kitchen. Now that Fatso’s gone, Cringing Matt is taking his place for being the one that I hate the most. Because he talks about wanting the amusement park rides to malfunction so that the ladies’ cellulite goes to their brains. Yeah because Matt is SUCH a skinny mini! I mean, when he turns sideways, I can barely even see him! Seriously, this man has no room to talk.

Those are SO what I hang my damp laundry on to dry in my apartment!

Then Ben makes the mistake of volunteering for a very special project. There is a weird petting zoo set up outside for the kids, and Ben’s job is to clean up the horse manure. No lie. And there is a LOT of horse poop out there. And it’s green and gross and baking in the sun. I can barely watch. Not because of the piles of horse turd but because I’ve had an innate fear of petting zoos ever since I was a toddler and a pack of goats tried to eat the shorts right off of my body. I’m not even joking. Those things are ferocious.

The women come back from their holiday, and it’s minutes before Hell’s Kitchen opens. Kids are outside working up an appetite riding the horses and having their faces painted. The women get panicky trying to learn the brand new menu, but Jen insists that it’s not hard – just burgers and pasta. Word.

Gordon tells everyone that the first kitchen to complete the full dinner service is the winner. Then there’s an awkward bit where Gordon wants Jean-Philippe to take off his tie but he can’t because it’s sewn onto his neck. J.P. isn’t even a real person to me — just a really odd caricature of an uptight British person.

In the Red Kitchen, Vanessa works extra hard on her appetizers to impress Chef Ramsay to redeem herself from last week’s beef blunder. She does an excellent job and everything looks lovely. Chef is really impressed with the ladies’ momentum.

The men aren’t doing as well because Ben failed to serve up a crispy onion ring. And no one likes a limp onion!

45 minutes into the dinner service, J.P. brings back chicken to the blue kitchen because it is RAW! And it’s all Cringing Matt’s fault. The chicken is REALLY gross. It’s not just pink. It’s completely bloody. And it’s for KIDS! For shame, Cringing Matt!

Hell’s Kitchen: Where the salmonella is always free!

Matt brags saying that Chef yelled right into his face, but he didn’t even blink. He says that he won’t break because he’s not there to break. Right, he’s there to cook. But he’s not doing that either. So what IS Matt there for? To make Chef throw up into a garbage can in front of everyone? Then mission accomplished.

The Red Kitchen is sailing along and moving onto entrees, but then Shayna starts a fire! What the crap! Why is there a fire EVERY week! To make matters worse, Vanessa gets burnt by hot oil in a sauté pan. She meets some strange nurse person in all black in a closet who applies burn cream, and she starts crying. It looks pretty serious. And I can feel her pain because I once did the same thing with boiling lava hot microwavable hot fudge. I literally thought that I’d never walk again!

The splash heard ’round the world!

The burn cream doesn’t work so Vanessa gets herded off to a van and taken to the hospital. Chef brings the ladies the bad news but warns them not to slack. Jen puts herself in super motivational speaker mode and keeps cracking the whip at the ladies.

Hand Bandage. Or HANDAGE.

Two hours into dinner service, the Red Kitchen has 12 tickets left while the Blue Kitchen has 10. Food starts flying out of both kitchens and it’s delicious. But Matt, oh Matt. He cooks the burgers until they turn into hockey pucks. Chef throws them around and says they are like fast food burgers. First he undercooks the chicken and then he overcooks the burgers. This man knows nothing about balance, does he?

Matt stares around and moves like a turtle, clueless of what to do. Jen keeps the red team moving, pleasing Chef. The General actually does a good job. But Ben high fives him and gets into trouble for making jokes and not working. Toilet Brush starts freaking out because the girls are almost done with only two tickets left.

Craig is still messing up, making spaghetti with meatballs instead of spaghetti with clams. (p.s. Spaghetti with CLAMS?! What kid eats THAT!?) When he finally gets up the right dish, the pasta is raw and Rams throws a fit. Chef asks how long Craig will be for the correct order, and he won’t even give an answer. I don’t feel bad for him anymore like I did last week. He’s annoying and sucks at this show.

The women make it through the entire dinner service and get sent over to help the men who are not happy to see them because they feel embarrassed. Chef sarcastically tells Ben to go pat people on the back now. Shayna is sent to help Craig who refuses to pay attention to her. And he still won’t give Chef an answer on time. He drops dishes and is just a bumbling mess. Plus, he loses his temper worse than Rams does! Rosann accurately describes this with one sentence: “You got some attitude, son.”

Staying true to the theme of kid’s night, Craig acts like a giant child.

After dinner service, Chef congratulates the women and says that Jen is the one star who really stood out from the group. And she’s the best cook of both kitchens. But he doesn’t have such nice words for the men. He says their kitchen was like a horror film: “The Dinner Service Massacre.” He says that Craig couldn’t even cook pasta. And that is REALLY bad. Again, pasta is like college student foods. Think Easy Mac and Ramen Noodles. Those were my two major food groups back in the day.

Chef says that Ben surprised him. And Ben, thinking it was a compliment, says thank you. But Chef clarifies saying that he was surprised by how SHITTY Ben was. Wah-WAH! Silly Ben! You must forget that you are in Hell and Chef Ramsay is the dark prince! Craig snickers because he’s glad that he’s not the only one who sucks.. The best of the worst is The General because he made Chef feel safe in the kitchen because he was able to fix problems and be trustworthy.

Total shit-eating grin if I’ve ever seen one.

Vanessa comes back to the house all bandaged, but she has to see a plastic surgeon in a few days. I never had to go to such extremes for my hot fudge incident. I just had a patch of skin die and turn brown for awhile.

Craig tells Ben that they are a team, so there is no one to blame. Craig then tells us that he knows he didn’t do well but neither did Ben or Matt. So he’s not going to chase after anyone asking not to be put up for elimination because he’s not a pet dog.

Ben pulls The General aside to talk in one of the bedrooms. Apparently they are pretty good friends, but Ben’s not sure what he’s going to do. The General then asks Matt who he should eliminate, and he automatically says Craig because he can’t communicate with the chef, and he disrespectfully threw a dish in the kitchen. I agree, but Matt WAS the one who tired to make innocent children drink blood.

Everyone shows up for elimination, and I honestly have no clue who the General will choose. The first nominee is Craig because he’s constantly lost and clueless. The second nominee is Matt because he’s too nervous working the station.

Matt and Craig come forward, but Chef says he doesn’t want to go any further because there is another person he wants to hear from, and he knows who he is. Of course it’s Ben. So without even hearing his name, he walks forward.

Yikes. I don’t even WANT to know what’s going on under here!

Chef tells Ben that he’s really disappointed in him and asks why he should stay in Hell’s Kitchen. Ben says that cooking is the only talent that God gave him, and he’s only going to work harder from now on.

Craig says that he didn’t have a good service, but he has the drive and determination to do better next time. Chef says that it was the easiest menu ever in Hell’s Kitchen because Craig was just cooking pasta. Matt says that he wants to stay to prove himself. He’s embarrassed that he served raw chicken to kids. Ben says that he’ll keep giving 100%. And so Matt one-ups him and says that he’ll give 125%. Craig then says, “I don’t know percentages. But, just, over that.” Wow, Craig. Larger numbers, mean more value. Did you never watch “Sesame Street” as a child? Or go to school? Ever?

I hate when people say stuff like that anyway. There is no such thing as 125%. It’s 100%. That’s the max. Let’s keep it that way, okay?

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is Craig, and I don’t think that anyone’s surprised. Craig mutters that generic thing that everyone else mutters at the end of the show about being surprised and still wanting their own restaurant.

Don’t forget to take your tall, dumb hat on the way out.

So what did you guys think? I think that Chef is being mean to Ben because he actually likes Ben and thinks he has potential. And The General and Petrozza really seem to be catching on and improving. Does anyone else hate Cringing Matt now, too?

Next week, it looks like romance will blossom between Toilet Brush and Corey! WHAT?! I officially might have to stop liking him! And, did anyone else think he was gay?

See ya Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo