Hell’s Kitchen: Ding Dong the Bitch is GONE!

This week on Hell’s Kitchen…… WOO!!

Okay, so I’m getting a little ahead of myself here, but you’re all going to have to deal with it. Mmmkay?

This week’s episode begins, as they always do, right where we ended last week. Ramsay has a surprise for the chefs and it is…..their families!! I knew it.

We have Paula’s mom and sister, Andrea’s mom and cousin, and Danny’s dad and girlfriend. Danny tells us he was overwhelmed at the sight of his dad and girlfriend. Andrea’s crying as she hugs her mom, telling her how much she loves her and misses her. She tells us that she comes from a long line of extremely strong women.

She’s still blubbering away, telling her mom she never realized how important they were until they weren’t there. How charming. Nothing like learning to appreciate your family when you don’t have them to boss around hug and kiss.

Paula tells her family that this is the hardest thing she’s ever been through in her life. Obviously she doesn’t have any kids. Ramsay is tough, but I’d take him over childbirth any day of the week.

Danny’s dad tells him he’s tremendously proud of him. Awww. He tells Danny that he’s got what it takes to get to the top. Danny says it feels good to show his old man what he’s got in him.

And then, Ramsay thanks the families for coming. Wait, what? Aren’t you going to have them stick around for a while, Chef? Apparently not. They just showed up for a quick hug, kiss and some words of encouragement, and now they are on their way.

Danny thinks this is the best gift Chef could have given them. Ramsay seconds the motion by saying, “What a lovely surprise.” Nice to toot your own horn there, Chef.

The final three head up to the dorms, pumped up and happy from the time they got with their families. An entire ten minutes of time according to Andrea. WOW. Ten whole minutes? What an incredible gift that was.

The next morning they all gather in the dining room, ready for whatever challenge Ramsay has in store for them. Today’s challenge will be serving lunch to one hundred “very special, distinguished” customers. They each need to prepare a dish to really impress these patrons. They have ninety minutes, off you go!

Paula is confident about her food for this challenge. She tells us Danny and Andrea should be worried. You go, girl!

Danny tells us he immediately thought, “You know seafood, you know fruit. Put it together. That’s pretty much my signature flavor.” He’s not worried about his cuisine.

Paula thinks that Danny is her biggest competition. No duh, Paula. She goes on to say that Danny can keep cool and under control in stressful situations. That is one thing that the two of them do have in common. You don’t really ever see them running around like maniacs. Unlike Andrea, who Paula tells us can tend to get flustered in the heat of the competition. Danny continues with that thought, saying “I think that Andrea’s going to crumble under the pressure.”

At ten minutes remaining, Ramsay tells Andrea he’d hurry up if he was her. He’s getting nervous for her because she’s running behind. At this point, Andrea starts talking to herself. She tells us that’s her style. “No one else is routing me on, I had to do that for myself.”

She tells herself to keep pushing out, and then mumbles something about jalapeno butter. I just can’t route for her, no matter what, so I’m hoping she fails horribly. That’s my style.

And….time. So who are these distinguished customers? They are chefs from across Los Angeles, from some of the best listed restaurants in Zagat, Michelin star rated, “the crème de la crème of fine dining in California.”

Paula voices her concern: “Holy Shit. These are real chefs. They know great food.” She’s starting to panic a little.

Then Ramsay asks the executive chefs among them to please stand. Among them are James Beard award winners, and the Michelin stars and Zagat ratings already mentioned. A lot of them seem to also be the owners of their establishments. Danny thinks that they will be the toughest critics that they’ve had yet. Yeah, I’m with Danny on that one.

The chef guests will sample each of the three dishes, and then vote for their favorite and least favorite.

Andrea has prepared chicken roulade of prosciutto, micro basil and garlic. It doesn’t look appetizing to me at all. And not just because I hate her. Really! Doesn’t it look like she’s got a bunch of rat turds on her plate?

Paula is presenting an olive oil poached sturgeon with crispy potato and crème fraiche and a salad of arugula and radishes and osetra caviar. Why no beauty shot of hers? That annoys me because it sounds incredible, and I would have liked to have seen it as well. So bogus. We do see one chef immediately say “I like that.”

Danny has made a lightly blackened halibut with ginger mint peach salsa and a side of basmati rice with celery, fennel, chili peppers and honey. This is the best pic for Danny’s:

I gotta say, I am not a huge fan of halibut, so at this point, I’m a little worried about Danny. It seems like there’s a whole lot of stuff going on in his dish. He thinks he nailed it.

C&A: “The aspiring chefs may be feeling confident about their dishes, but LA’s finest chefs will have the final word.”

Oh wait! Here’s a shot of Paula’s dish.

The chefs comment on the dishes. Some like one or all of the dishes, a woman chef likes the jalapeno butter (grrrrr), and one of them thinks you can see the step up with the sturgeon. Some give the highest compliment there is by finishing the dish, and I swear one guy’s plate looks as though he might have licked it.

Now they have to vote on their favorite and least favorite. One lady says the purple kicked ass (go Paula!), and we also see Andrea get a vote for the best. And then. Oh no. We see Danny getting votes for the worst. One chef calls it bush league, and another guy wants to know why you would pick halibut. Danny says that people were telling him his dish looked great, so he has high hopes. That’s gonna hurt.

Chef Ramsay is ready to reveal the results. Over 76% of the guest chefs thought one dish was the worst. Ramsay points out that 76% means that the guests hated it. They all laugh and nod, which seems a little mean (unless it’s Andrea’s dish). The worst dish belongs to….Danny.

He looks as though he might just cry. Danny tells us, “I was embarrassed, I was standing in front of all these chefs and these are the elite. For them to think so lowly of me, just kills me man.” That’s really disappointing.

So now it’s between Andrea (grrrrr) and Paula. Over 76% chose one dish as their favorite. What’s with the 76%? Is it the same people that all hated Danny’s that all liked this one dish? It seem a little far fetched that the exact same percentage would go to the winning and the losing dish, doesn’t it?

The best dish, by a landslide is……Paula’s!!! Yay! Everyone gives her a round of applause, and you can see she is just over the moon.

Her reward comes in two parts. The first part of the reward is getting the “full Hollywood, pampered treatment.” She’s going to get a haircut, color, manicure, pedicure…She asks about eyebrows, and Chef says since she’s from Brazil, she’ll get a wax as well. She doesn’t like the sound of that, but Andrea thinks it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

Part two of the reward is going to be an amazing surprise that happens tomorrow. Ramsay wants her looking her best for that surprise. Hey Now! You’re a married man, Chef!

For the losers…..their punishment is also going to come in two parts. Part one, they get to clean the dining room after the guests have left. They then get to set the dining room for tomorrow night’s service. Part two is laundry day. Oh Goodie! They get to steam, starch, iron and fold every piece of linen for the dining room. That does not sound like a good time to me.

Can we just take a minute to talk about how much Danny needed to win this challenge? I mean, the boy is just begging for a makeover. Paula can look kind of meh, but Danny is in serious need of a haircut. And a bonfire for his plaid jacket and camo cap.

Ramsay sends them upstairs to wait for the punishment or reward to begin. Andrea thinks Paula is going to get a magazine spread.

Danny is really down. He thinks it was a really bad day to lose. “I just hope that Chef doesn’t take me out of this competition based on this one challenge. Up until this point, I’ve been one of the front runners and then to come in last place, stinks, man.” Snap out of it Danny! Moping around about this isn’t going to help you.

Andrea says that Danny took the loss hard. She thinks it’s the first time she’s seen him beaten down in Hell’s Kitchen. Paula says it was fucking tough. Danny continues to mope.

JP is waiting downstairs for Paula. Or as he calls her, “Paola.” He is going to be joining her on her reward. How awesome is that? I’d love to spend the day with JP!

Paula tells JP she is ready for some changes. He tells her she doesn’t need too much help, but Ramsay really wants her to sparkle. “He wants you to look like a princess.”

JP asks Paula how she relaxes outside of work, and she says she goes to the gym. That is not relaxing. It’s called working out. It has the word work in it. Not Relaxing.

Paula now asks JP if he’s married or single. He’s single. She thinks it’s difficult to meet someone outside of the business. JP says, “You don’t force things in life, they just come along.” Are they sharing a little flirty moment there?

They arrive at the Mark Slicker Salon. There is something so wrong about that name, y’all. We see Paula getting her hair colored, make-up done, and eyebrows tweezed. But sadly no Mary Pat, Mary Kate and Mary Francis to help her pick out clothes.

C&A: “Paula may be glowing from her star treatment, but back in Hell’s Kitchen, Danny is steamed.” You know, because he’s steaming tablecloths? Oh, C&A, you are so unamusing.

Danny does not like to iron. Yeah, I am with him on that one. Ironing has to be one of my least favorite things ever. Andrea thinks it’s kind of nice to see Danny down on himself. She’s going to try and use that to her advantage.

Danny tells us he needs to get his head out of his ass and get a good attitude. Please start working on that soon, Danny.

Andrea points out how many more table cloths Danny has to go compared to what she has. B-I-T-C-H.

Paula returns to Hell’s Kitchen, sporting the most undramatic makeover in history. Seriously. Where is Tyra when you need her? She would have given Paula a long blond weave, or her favorite, the Mia Farrow cut. There would have been drama and tears! Instead, we get this…..

I will say this, it’s obvious that Paula’s happy with the result. Of course, her happiness could be caused by spending the afternoon with JP, who really knows what went on while they were out together?

Danny thinks Paula looks great, she looks rejuvenated and refreshed. I think Danny may be having some impure thoughts. Andrea is disappointed to hear that there was no Brazilian wax. She says, “Good thing you’ll be able to walk tomorrow.” But you know she is thinking, “Shit, I was hoping she’d be hobbling around in pain tomorrow. Damn.”

Paula goes upstairs to relax and get to bed early, while Danny and Andrea finish up the punishment. She thinks the win has given her a nice confidence boost. Well, I would hope so. 76% of LA’s top chefs liked your food the best. That’s gotta make you feel good.

The next morning, Paula heads out for the second part of her surprise. She joins Chef Ramsay outside in a limo and they head off. He tells her she looks great. He tells her that they are going to the Fox Morning Show, Good Day LA. Isn’t that the one that Joel McHale makes fun of all the time on The Soup? The one with the crabby old guy?

Back in Hell’s Kitchen, JP has another chore for Andrea and Danny. He walks them around to the hallway entrance and they see mops, vacuums, and steam cleaners. Also, stuff to clean the TV screens. That is wicked. And awesome.

Of course, they just so happen to be cleaning the TVs as Paula makes her television debut. What incredible timing! Andrea pretends she is happy to see her on the telly, while calling her a bitch in her confessional.

We see an edited version of their spot, and it’s so edited, you can’t even really tell what they are making. Paula slices up an apple, one of the ladies from the show mixes something….that’s about all there is to say about that. Oh! The cranky dude asks her if she’s picking up any hints from Ramsay.

She seems to be holding her own there, and it’s nice to see her show a little personality at last. A very little bit of personality, but some is better than the nothing we’ve been getting for most of the season.

Danny’s disappointed that America missed out on seeing his pretty face. I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see him gussied up and prettified.

JP checks on Danny and Andrea. He tells them the TV looks good, but not as shiny as when Paula was on the screen. Andrea does her fake little laugh that we all love soooo much.

Paula comes back and she is still pumped. She says it’s been a kick ass morning. No shit. “I still have all this adrenaline and energy flowing through me, so I’m going to use that to my advantage, and take it into service tonight.” That attitude is really gonna help her, I think.

It’s now just a few hours before dinner service, and the final three are ready to cook their asses off and make it to the finale.

Andrea says this is the last and final test before the finale. “I’m fucking staying uuuhuh.” Over my dead body you are.

Paula is confident that she will be one of the final two tonight. Yeah, I think she’d have to burn the restaurant to the ground to get kicked off tonight. There’s no way she’s going home.

Danny came here to win. He says he going to be the best one tonight. I really hope so Danny, because for the first time ever, I’m actually worried about you. Please don’t choke.

Four minutes to open. Time for the pre-service pep talk. “Big, big, big night. ‘Cause two of you will be advancing to the finals. Sadly (or not so sadly), one of you will be going home.” He needs to know who is worthy of the title in the Borgata Hotel. Psst. Not Andrea, Chef.

In order to find that out, he is going to put them on the pass. I love this part of the competition! Each one of them will take a turn at the pass, running the kitchen. During that time, he will have Gloria, Scott and JP sabotage various items to see if the chefs are on their toes. Now, they should be prepared and looking out for that since he does it every year. I can’t wait to see how they all do.

JP, open Hell’s Kitchen.

The pressure is on tonight. Let’s see how they do. C&A tells us that because the kitchen is short handed, Scott and Gloria will be filling in the gaps. But really they’ll be fucking some stuff up per Ramsay’s orders.

The first order is in and Ramsay is up their asses already about how he doesn’t want to wait for the first table. Andrea’s tells him it’s coming right now, and he recycles, “Yeah, so’s Christmas, madam.” New material, please Chef.

Ramsay likes Paula’s risotto, and he tells Andrea her scallops are nicely cooked. They’re off to a good start. So why not throw a little wrench into the works?

He tells Paula to get up to the pass. Paula’s dead on when she says it’s really important not to fuck this up. “This is a different side that Chef is seeing now, you know, he wants to see a leadership quality.” Good luck, Paula!

She’s ready to call the first order. And she fumbles around a little, saying “away”, and “stand by”. She’s definitely a little nervous here.

Danny says you could tell Paula was really nervous. He thinks that shows a weakness. Hope you don’t get nervous when it’s your turn, Danny!

Ramsay tells her it’s “on order”, not away. “You’re like a little mouse with no voice.” She finally pulls it together for long enough to get the order out. But will she spot the sabotage?

Chef Gloria has substituted a squash puree for the carrot puree. Let’s see if Paula catches it. Ramsay reminds her to taste it and check the seasoning, and then she still puts it on the plate. Stop! He makes her taste it again, and asks her what it tastes of. “Squash.” Yep. Ramsay tells her it’s her reputation on the line.

Paula seems to rally after this, and regains control of the kitchen. But another sabotaged dish is on its way to her right now. The soup has been messed with. Paula tastes it, and says, “Scott, I don’t know what that is, but it’s not the watercress soup. Can you redo that please?”

Good catch, Paula. Ramsay tells her “Well done. That’s spinach soup. Same color, different fucking ingredient. Well spotted.” Yay, Paula! Shaky start, good finish.

Now it’s Danny’s turn to run the pass. Ramsay tells him to taste everything, “you run your fucking kitchen, you don’t let the kitchen run you. They’re not your mates. Is that clear?”

Danny tells us he runs the pass every night back home. It’s like second nature to him. He thinks he should nail this. Of course, the first order has been fucked with by JP. It’s a five top, but there are only four apps listed. Danny says he kept telling himself to read the ticket.

He misses the discrepancy, plus there is no time on the ticket either. Stop! Ramsay tells him that he should be spotting that. Danny follows that up by his voice cracking like a twelve year old boy’s as he’s calling out the entrees. I’m so glad you’re not nervous, Danny. It’s been said that that shows a sign of weakness.

Danny says it’s a little intimidating working next to Ramsay when you know he’s scrutinizing your every move. Then he starts plating the spaghetti onto a plate instead of a bowl. Come on, Danny! Get it in gear, man.

Andrea trash talks Danny a little, saying he’s talked a big game, but she feels that his age shows tonight.

Andrea has overcooked her scallops, and Danny tells her to refire. Ramsay likes that. Now Gloria is creating a potato issue. He plates the potatoes without checking them. Uh oh. Ramsay stops him and tells him to touch the potatoes. They’re raw.

Andrea’s talking about him again. He wasn’t as assertive as she thought he would be. But he rallies and finishes strong. Phew.

And here comes the bitch from hell Andrea to take her turn at the pass. Hope you fail miserably! Ramsay tells her to “run the brigade; don’t let the brigade run you.”

She immediately jumps in yelling and being a big ole bossy bitchpants. She says she’s not afraid of speaking out loud. No shit. “A lot of people are pretty shocked when I do put on my assertive panties in the morning.” Eeeeewwwww.

Ugh. I really can’t stand her. She says she needs something NOW, and Chef Scott says he needs two more minutes. She needs the Dory! He says it’s coming now, and she uses Ramsay’s line about Christmas coming now. Shut up Andrea.

Scott has sabotaged the Dory by giving her halibut instead. Stop! She didn’t notice. Ramsay is not happy, and tells her to go back to culinary school. She says at that moment she decided that was not the way she was going out.

So now she has decided that nothing is going to get by her. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. She starts nitpicking every fucking plate of food. She tells Gloria something has too much fucking salt in it, and to “get it right”. She rides Danny about the time on something.

And then. Oh, then. She starts in on Scott. Oh no she di’int!! She tells him he needs to season something. He mumbles that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Hee fucking hee. But she doesn’t stop there with him. O no.

She tells Scott she wants three new eggs because the ones he gave her look like hell. He asks if she’s sure. “I am sure! Get em on!” He mumbles, “Go fuck yourself, you stupid cunt.” Ok, I’m not sure about the last word, but it’s what I’m going with because it makes me supremely happy to have Scott call her a cunt.

Paula thought that Andrea was too much over the top. Oh my God! She’s up Scott’s ass again, telling him his scallops are raw in the middle. He asks her if she’s sure, and Paula is laughing in the background. She is out of control here, and he is going to lose it. And I love it!

She says he kept giving her excuses, and now she knows why Chef Ramsay is such a fucking lunatic. “You cook it; it doesn’t cook you, Scott.”

Scott says he is going to punch her in the fucking face. I love you, Chef Scott! Will you be my boyfriend? We can stay up all night snuggling, and talking about ways to kill Andrea! Sounds like fun, right?

Finally, Ramsay takes pity on Scott and sends Andrea back to the kitchen. Ramsay is back in control of the pass, and he wants a strong finish. Ramsay thinks this is clearly their best service. “Well done.”

Post service smackdown. Lovefest?! Chef Ramsay tells them all to look closely. “Do you notice anything different?” Paula thinks maybe his hair? Nope. Andrea notices a spot on his jacket. What? Shut up stupid.

He’s smiling because they had a bloody great service. He says they confirmed why they are the final three. But the bad news is, one of them still has to go home tonight. He wants them to go back to the dorms and come up with who they each think should not be in the finale of Hell’s Kitchen. He’s not looking for a consensus tonight, just what each of them personally think. “Now go upstairs.”

Upstairs they take a moment to enjoy the fact that they kicked ass tonight. And then Andrea decides it’s time to start talking about who they’re going to pick. She’s picking Danny. She thought he would be better on the pass because he’s run restaurants before.

He thinks he’s been a strong competitor throughout this whole thing, and that he’s been at the top of his game. Danny thinks that Andrea is basing it on him at the pass because that’s all she has. “There’s nothing else negative to say about me.”

He goes right back at her, saying he didn’t think she did so great on the pass. “I think you were just talking a lot.” Amen to that! She says she caught a lot tonight. Danny tells her he thinks she was just nit picking a lot. Can I get another Amen?

She then goes on to say that that was her standard. “I applied my standards to those dishes. I don’t have to justify that to anybody.” What a crock of shit. She was so afraid that she was going to miss another sabotage that she over compensated by sending back the majority of the food. If she did that in a real restaurant, their food cost for that night would be un-fucking-believable.

So Andrea is voting for Danny, and Danny is voting for Andrea. Paula is happy that neither of them have nominated her. But she still has to make a decision about who she is voting for. She tells us she doesn’t know who to send up there. Ooo! Ooo! I know! PICK ANDREA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down in the dining room, Chef Ramsay starts with Andrea. Her decision is Danny. She felt like he was not loud and that he was very nervous and did not deliver on the pass.

“Danny. Who should not be in the final two and why?” He, of course, says Andrea. He doesn’t feel like she’s performed throughout the competition as strongly as he has. He thinks he deserves to stay more than her. I agree. (I know you’re all shocked by that.)

He’s down to Paula. “Who should we eliminate tonight and why?” And…..commercial! When we get back from commercial, C&A recaps what just happened about a minute and a half ago. Apparently we are all mentally challenged monkeys who can’t retain a thought in our heads for more than ninety seconds.

Let’s get down to business. Paula’s vote is for Andrea. THANK YOU!! Paula thinks “Andrea has a lot of strengths (being a bitch is not a strength), but throughout the entire competition she has struggled several times during service, and tonight I felt that she was a little overconfident (bitchy) being up there for the first time.”

Ramsay’s decision is……Paula. WHAT THE FUCK?!? Oh, wait, he tells her she belongs in the final two. Oh Halleluiah. I really thought I was going to have to kill him for a minute there. Of course, I may still have to, depending on what happens next.

Andrea, tell me why you think you should join Paula.

Blah blah. Danny. Why should you join Paula in the final? Not that I’m biased or anything, but I think he give The Best Answer that anyone’s given yet.

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen this evening (please, please, please, please, please), and not advancing to the final (come on, come on, come on, come on) is…….Andrea. BOOYAH!!!!!!! Fucking finally. WOO HOO!

Ramsay says some kind words to her as she’s leaving, but I can’t hear them over my whooping and hollering. Something about being an ass to any kitchen? Oh asset. I like mine better.

We get treated to some of Andrea’s greatest moments. Again, I’m not watching them. I’m doing a little dance at the moment, while singing “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. Which oh witch? The wicked bitch! Ding dong the wicked witch is dead!! Sing it High, Sing it Low. Let them know the wicked is witch is dead!

Wow. I knew that would feel good. I just didn’t realize how fucking amazing it would be. Yes!

Chef Ramsay tells Danny he can breathe now. Hahaha – he was totally holding his breath. “Bloody well done to both of you.”

He tells them their biggest test begins right now. Boom!

Next week….they get to transform Hell’s Kitchen into their competing restaurants. Danny says something about having mounted fish on the walls. Don’t ask. They’ll be shocked by surprise after surprise, and then this….

Who will prove they have what it takes to be head chef at the Borgata? Since we know it won’t be Andrea, it’s really a win/win as far as I’m concerned!

See you there!

SWAK, PottyMouth

WOO!!