Hell’s Kitchen: Good Riddance, You Corpulant Redneck Boob

This episode of Hell’s Kitchen marked one of the happiest moments of my recapping career and perhaps even life. Because this week, Fatso falls on his ass — both literally and figuratively. Yay! Christmas is saved! Now let’s get on to this fabulous episode, shall we?

Cock-a-doodle-EAT ME!!!After the last elimination, the girls head back to the house, and Jen automatically starts flapping her gums, yelling about how no one is going to get rid of her that easy. She is so loud and obnoxious, and from everyone’s comments, I know y’all agree, mmkay? She tells us that Corey put up one of the team’s strongest and one of the most intelligent people for elimination, and you can’t do that so early in the game. I wonder which one Jen thinks she is? Strong or intelligent? A strong talker, for sure. And a strong personality, mos’ def. Christina has a different coping mechanism that involves less talk and more waterworks. Poor pointy-nosed little poop, I feel for her. I really do.

Corey gets high fives from the guys for her asshole move. Of course they want to egg her on! She’s making it easier for them to win. She’s trying to get rid of their best players WHILE causing tension in the group. As far as the men are concerned, Corey is the best player on their team.

Christina confronts Corey, and tells her she felt like she’d been thrown off the bus by her vindictive, hateful move. Doing nothing to preserve her time on the show, Corey proves her heartlessness by glazing over and not responding.

Meh.

Outside – smoking, of course – the men discuss what just went down. Ben says that Corey played that move too early in the game. True. And Petrozza says she has evil tendencies. Also true. The General says that she took a risky gamble and lost. True again. The men are actually making sense to me right now. I’m worried for my brain.

The next morning, our culinary warriors are woken up by roosters crowing in the house. Over the P.A. system, Chef Yumsay tells everyone to find their chicken (by examining the tags on their necks) and head downstairs.

Everyone scrambles around trying to catch the chickens, and the General says that he’s never caught a chicken in his life because he’s a city slicker. Then I believe that he says that he’d have a better chance against a gang than a chicken. I think that’s what he says at least. Wait. Am I missing something? Do these chickens have guns?

That polo shirt is so gansta!

After they catch their respective chickens, Gordon meets the crew downstairs with a large cleaver. He says he wants them to spend the morning getting up close and personal with their products. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. I am cringing like Matt over here!

Gordon places a chicken on the chopping block and holds the cleaver as if he’s about to whack it’s head off. Meanwhile, Fatso is verbally abusing his chicken. He probably wants a rooster instead because men birds taste better. Corey says that she doesn’t want to kill the chicken because she doesn’t want blood all over her. Nice reason, Corey. I’m glad that the taking of life doesn’t startle you at all. Just the annoying stains! Buy color-safe bleach, you’ll be fine, bitch. The General is kinda endearing because he covers the eyes of his chicken! I am sure I’d be doing the same thing! Either that or curling up under the table in the fetal position. The only one who has a glimmer of preparedness in his eyes is Toilet Brush.

Then Gordon slams the cleaver down, missing the head of his chicken by a hair! “Not these chickens, ya donuts.” Phew! Thank the lord! I really did NOT want to see that.

Chef explains that everyone takes the product for granted because it arrives every morning beautifully prepped, and they don’t respect where it came from. The warriors put the chickens back in their cages and meet in the kitchen for a chicken chopping challenge!

Gordon pulls out a dead chicken and show everyone how to cut it up into eight pieces – two breasts, two legs, two thighs, two wings. Again, why do they need these demonstrations?! Shouldn’t they have learned this stuff already in school? Seems pretty basic to me. I really want to know just how cheffy these people are! I mean, I already have a basic understanding of how a chicken is divided just from ordering at KFC. Now how they get the pieces extra crispey…mmm…that’s the real secret…

The chefs have five minutes to break down a chicken carcass into eight parts that meet Chef Ramsay’s standards. And then it happens. Fatso says something offensive. This week, he made it 7:26 minutes in before saying anything horrible. I guess that’s an improvement. Let’s give him a hand! To his face. In smack form.

Anyway, here’s what it is: “We’re gonna win cuz we’re men. This ain’t the dust and housekeepin’ challenge here.” Right. Thanks for reminding me of just why I hate you, Fatso. You’re so thoughtful.

All the men start hassling Craig because he’s slowly cutting up his chicken. Shayna is also having a little trouble, but the women are cheering her on a little more positively. Both finish at the very last instant.

Chef counts the ladies’ pieces first. They all did pretty well with the occasional chewed-up hacking here and there. Fatso acts like the contest was a breeze because it’s a chicken. Not some wild thing you’ve never seen before. And then he makes his famous smug face where it looks like he has a mouth full of chew.

Qualification for being a redneck #42: Chew TABACCY!

Vanessa, Rosann, Corey and Christina turn in perfect performances. They end up with 44 out of 48 perfect pieces.

Fatso still says that they’ll win because they’re men and hunting and butchering meat is what they do. Of course Fatso can’t walk the walk because his chicken pieces SUCK. He still ended up with six out of eight. But the two that weren’t counted were totally gnarly. I mean, gristle dangling all over the place, bones missing — a total chewed up mess. This man will never be able to live up to his hubris. And I mean, NEVER.

Petrozza and Ben have perfect scores but everyone else pretty much sucks. It all comes down to Craig who needs at least six perfect pieces for the men to stay in the competition. But he only has two out of eight. Chef Ramsay says that it shouldn’t be that hard, especially for a chef who’s been cooking for 13 years like Craig. Whoa! Craig’s been cooking for 13 years!? Where!? Wendy’s!? Seriously, that shocks me.

May suck at cooking, but sure can make a mean frosty!

Because the men lost, they have to go put on silly work clothes – overalls, plaid shirts and straw hats – and go pick peppers in the blazing sun on a hundred acre farm. The women, however, will be visiting one of the most famous restaurants on the sunset strip.

The women get ready for the restaurant, and the men take out their frustrations on Craig. I understand that Craig did badly. But they all kinda did badly, right? Yeah, he did the worst, but by and large, they all sucked except for Ben and Petrozza.

Cringing Matt, who shares a room with Craig, throws the kind of fit that a three-year-old would envy. Only dumber. He kicks around his shoes and throws around his clothes in a crazy, angry, passive aggressive manner while Craig mopes just a few feet away. Matt says that he feels like watching Craig cut the chicken was like watching someone who just had shock treatments. Then he imitates someone shaking and cutting. Ugh. What a loser. Such a baby. The best part is that when he slam a shoe onto the floor, it bounces up and almost hits him. Watch out for that shoomerang, Matt! It’s a doozy!

Poor baby. It must be hard being a toddler.

The men come outside in the farm outfits and think they are getting onto the nice Hell’s Kitchen bus. But then the nice bus pulls away, revealing an old, run-down, falling apart blue school bus. In the words of Toilet Brush, it is “ganky” looking.

The women take the nice bus to the Saddle Ranch restaurant. And guess who is there riding the mechanical bull? Aaron! From Hell’s Kitchen 3! Not even Gordon knew he’d be there, so he’s as shocked as everyone else. But Aaron’s cameo is brief. He gives a few hugs and trots off into the sunset. For anyone who may have amazingly forgotten Aaron, please note the picture below:

Sweet crying teddy bear man

The men are out in the field, picking peppers, and Fatso talks in the third person saying, “Fatso does not do manual labor.” He says he’s chubby for two reasons: he likes to eat and he doesn’t like to move around. Right. Maybe he should take a page from the Women’s Handbook and do a little jazzercise now and then. Also, I must point out that “chubby” is quite the understatement, you raging fat face.

Ben, who I used to really like, decides to be immature and throw peppers at Craig. I feel bad for him. It’s sad seeing him become alienated from the group. And I can tell that he’s working especially hard in the field, probably trying to atone. He’s picked so many peppers. A peck of peppers, you could say.

As the women eat, they talk strategy with Gordon. They decide that they need to pick the boys apart one-by-one until they all fall down like dominos. They think that Ben, Craig and Fatso will be the easiest targets. Then they laugh maniacally, wring their hands in a sinister fashion and creepily twirl their mustaches. I really hope they tie Fatso to train tracks or something.

Back at the house, the women start putting their plan in action. Corey seems to think that some of the men are probably attracted to her body. Yeah, it would have to be that. Because she’s definitely not attracting anyone with that winning personality or delicious cooking abilities. She and Christina get into the hot tub and first target Ben by asking him to get in. Ben, however, is too smart to fall for it. That, and Corey probably isn’t an appetizing lure. Not to mention that Ben wears a wedding band, so he’s probably, like, in one of those wacky committed relationship where, I dunno, palling around with half-naked women in a hot tub just MIGHT be frowned upon.

But because Fatso has never been hit on by a girl in his whole life, he’s all about it. In fact, he actually looks at Corey and says, “Sup girl, how you doin’?” OMG! Are you serious!? That is just about the lamest thing POSSIBLE. Next comes one of my favorite moments in ALL OF REALITY TV HISTORY! He undresses, walks to the edge of the hot tub, slips, falls on his butt, and then slides into the tub! I REALLY hope he got a bruise for that one!

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure, here is the best reenactment that I could muster. Without further ado, I do present Fatso Falls On His Ass: A Comedy in Six Parts. Please enjoy!

The slow approach! Mmm sexy!

And set!

Attempting the graceful crouch position!

Double-checking his delicate footing!

Utilizing the technically perfect RUMP FLOP technique!

Aaaaand he’s IN! Perfect 10! What amazing execution! Bravo!

After Fatso’s ungraceful landing in the hot tub, the ladies give him barbequed ribs and beer to butter him up. You know, nice manly things. And then they start digging for information. Christina falsely tells him that his team is fighting and asks why. He responds that everyone’s mad at Craig for his poor chicken chopping skills.

The next morning, everyone starts prepping for dinner service. In the Red Kitchen, Christina is mustering up all the will-power she has to get along with Corey.

In the Blue Kitchen, the General is attempting to micromanage Craig who I am feeling worse and worse for by the minute. I know that he wore a big dumb hat. And I know that he apparently can’t chop a chicken to save his own life. But he always has this look of innocence on his face and it earns my sympathy. Damn you, Craig! I want to dislike you, but you make it so hard!

Chef Ramsay lines everyone up and gives them a rundown of the evening’s events. As a part of the Blue Kitchen’s punishment for the losing the chicken challenge, the General will be in the dining room, cooking tableside. The women will have Jean-Philippe cooking for them. But is the General scared? Oh no. Not at all. Of course not. Never. No. No way. Why do you ask?

Chef tells Fatso that he’ll be on desserts and then asks him to list what they are. Uh oh! We know that the men can never actually remember what they’re supposed to be making. Fatso lists off two things that aren’t even remotely correct and gets sent back to the dorm to memorize.

Hell’s Kitchen opens and customers take their tables and order. Christina has actually learned something – the risotto is on EVERY episode! So even though she has to make risotto, she is prepared for it. Go Christina! A smart person! I am ecstatic!

Craig is up first in the Blue Kitchen, at the same station as Christina, and he is buckling under pressure because of all the micromanagement. Also, he can’t seem to cook and talk at the same time. Yes, I understand that he’s scaring his team. But Matt is still not justified for making fun of him like the little whiney, crybaby that he is. He says that Craig is like Edith from “All In the Family” and accompanies this observation with an imitation that sounds nothing like Edith. It sounds more like himself because he’s such a whiner. I can’t stand Matt!

Say what you want about Matt, but he would SO win the Cringe Olympics!

The Red Kitchen hits a speed bump as Rosann puts crab garnish on the Caesar salad. Chef tells her that he knows she’s not stupid, so cut it out. But Rosann has Craig’s problem and can’t focus when someone is yelling at her. Find your inner zen, Rosann! Come on, we know you can do it, you street tawkin’ little New Yawker!

Rosann works it, and Fatso gets hooked on phonix.

Petrozza is this week’s most improved contestant in my book. Not only did he serve up perfectly chopped chicken earlier, but now he has cooked the beef to stunning perfection. I really don’t mind him as much this week even though I’ve officially decided that the exact rat he looks like is the one from “Beakman’s World.” Does anyone else remember that show?

Ring a bell?

Craig is still messing up, having issues cooking crispy bacon. Okay, yeah, that’s pretty bad. I’m a vegetarian, but I can still make crispy bacon if need be. That’s like dorm food that even college students can zap in the microwave. It’s like one notch below the complicated delicacy of Hot Pocket. Why is he struggling with this?

An hour and a half into dinner service, only one-half of one Blue table has received any appetizers thanks to Craig’s inability to bring home the bacon.

Our little Toilet Brush goes to find Fatso and isn’t nearly as nice to him as the General was to Petrozza last week. Fatso says that he can’t deal when he’s put on the spot, and T.B. gives him a total earfull. Uh, be a man?

Fatso comes back to recite the desserts and totally falls apart. His mind goes blank, and he says he can’t do it. Chef calls everyone to gather around Fatso and calls T.B. “smurf” this time. Love that! He is such a little smurflet! Gordon asks Fatso in front of everyone if he wants to go home, and a deflated Fatso says that he does. I was totally crossing my fingers, hoping that he’d get sent home on the spot here, but that’s not what happened, sadly. Our souls had to be tortured a little more. Damn you, Hell’s Kitchen! Chef stares at Fatso and tells him to dig deep. And then he finally lists off the desserts correctly.

The Red Kitchen is experiencing it’s own drama as Vanessa serves up raw beef. And the criticism from Gordon for it makes her completely CRACK. She starts crying right in the kitchen because she’s been cooking for 15 years and expected more of herself.

In this very special episode, Vanessa begins to doubt her dreams.

Next a funny little fight erupts between Matt and Toilet Brush because Matt doesn’t know how to communicate. T.B. tells Matt that unless he hears his name, he’s not going to pay attention. I think that makes sense. There are so many people in the kitchen that you can’t just talk into the air and expect your message to reach the intended recipient. You have to address them directly. It’s funny because T.B.’s sassy little attitude seems to totally ruffle Matt’s feathers! It’s nice to see big, bad Matt be freaked out by such a little man. So Matt mumbles, “It will be four minutes…Louross…”

Meanwhile, Ben is being yelled at for serving up burnt salmon. Ben says that it was a perfect medium salmon; it just had a tiny little burnt edge on the side. He can’t believe it had to be sent back. Ben assures Gordo that he can cook a salmon, he’s just under a lot of pressure and using different cooking techniques than he’s used to. And I know that it’s hard to imagine, but Gordo does not appreciate excuses.

As the men struggle to get the dinner entrees out in a time manner, the General — who is serving the chicken special tableside — takes matters into his own hands and tells one of his tables that the other entrees have been messed up, so he’ll cut the chicken special entrée into tiny pieces, so everyone can share it in the meantime. Oh man. So whoever ordered this entrée, now doesn’t get to have it because everyone is sharing it. How does that work when the rest of the meals finally come out? J.P. looks mortified. Absolutely. Mortified.

Then Corey starts a major beef fire in the Red Kitchen, but Rosann is blamed. Four pieces of meat are ruined, and Chef takes over and throws the fiery pan into the sink. Things really start to pick up speed and spiral further and further into the depths of hell.

To make matters worse, Fatso starts preparing his desserts and could NOT be doing a sloppier job. He makes even chocolate look absolutely disgusting. He just slops it into dishes without any care at all. It’s sick. He says, “I hate desserts; they’re tedious. Women can make desserts. It ain’t my thing.” Fatso just doesn’t like whatever he sucks at, which is everything.

Um. Okay. Wait. Can we please take a timeout here? Because if we REALLY want to talk about traditional gender roles, then wouldn’t COOKING fall into the women’s category? Not that I really believe that, but if we’re going to think the way he does, then he should get out of the business entirely. Or at least leave this show, so that I don’t have to look at him anymore?

Who wants to lick the spoon??? (answer = no one.)

T.B. walks over to help Fatso, and tells him that his crème brulee is done already. I guess Fatso doesn’t realize that crème brulee is a PUDDING that isn’t COOKED because he’s totally confused. As much as he eats, you’d think he’d recognize pudding. He bakes the soufflés, and they look like diarrhea. It’s seriously sick. And he doesn’t even bother to wipe the sides of the cups before baking, so they are all streaked on the sides. Yuck. Please tell me where this guy works because I want to make sure that I NEVER go there. EVER. And please tell him to get his poop-stained souffles away from me. Honestly, I will take out a restraining order on these souffles if I have to.

Chef barks at Fatso to come explain what’s going on with the desserts. He says that the soufflés are not rising. They are sticking to the pan. So to fix this, he’s going to rub sugar around the rim. Got that, Gasmii? Sugar. Around the rim. Does that make sense to you? Me neither. And Gordon doesn’t get it either. I have never in my life felt such agony while watching someone on tv. Fatso isn’t even that villain that you love to hate. He’s that villain who is always invading your comfort bubble and makes you want to crawl out of your own skin just to get away!

Gordon walks around the corner and beats his head on the counter, like a million times. No, Gordon! Don’t ruin your pretty face! Anything but that! This is what you’ve driven the Yumsay to, people!

Ben is still having some salmon problems. But this time, it’s raw. Oh goodness, Ben. And you were supposed to be the smart one. Gordon makes everyone come around and examine the raw salmon. That is the last straw. SHUT IT DOWN!

Chef says that it was SO terrible that no team won. Christina is best of the worst of the women because she made an effort and got all the appetizers out. The Red Kitchen didn’t get screwed until the first entrée. (We’re looking at you, Vanessa.) Petrozza is best of the worst for the men because he cooked well, had a good attitude and kept his mind clear. Both will nominate one person each to eliminate.

As the crew files out of the kitchen, the General makes the mistake of waving to his tables. And Gordo does NOT like that. By the way Gordon reacts, you’d think that the General had skinned his puppy or something . Gordon screams at the General saying that he has nothing to wave about or want approval for. Yikes. The culinary warriors literally run away.

“I like to be liked!” (Five-star suck up.)

Vanessa is still falling apart. She says she was a grill cook for 15 years, and she can’t cook a steak. She says it’s all she knows how to do, and now she doesn’t even know if she can do this anymore. Christina tries to console her between puffs from her cigarette.

Christina says that she knows everyone expects her to pick Corey for revenge, but Corey didn’t fall on her face today. And Petrozza tells us that he knows everyone probably wants Craig gone, but everyone would do better if they didn’t always have to pick up Fatso’s slack. Like when Fatso disappears to make toe jam specials during dinner service. You know, that kind of stuff.

At elimination, Chef asks if any of them still remember why they are there because none of them seem hungry to win. And praise be to Jesus! Petrozza chooses Fatso to be put on the chopping block because he can’t cook or communicate. And he’s a jerk. And the shocker of the night is that Christina chooses Vanessa. I think this is decent strategy on Christina’s part. She probably feels like Vanessa is a serious threat to win, and now she has a justifiable reason to put her on the chopping block without making it look as obvious as Corey did. She says that Vanessa make the meat station go down in flames.

Fatso says he should stay because he hasn’t had a chance to prove himself yet. He gets too nervous to perform well, but he runs his ass off to help everyone else. Chef counters that nonsense by saying that he “moves like a tortoise giving birth.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Vanessa tears up and says that she doesn’t want to offer any excuses but that she really loves to cook. And she feels bad for disappointing Gordon and herself. Gordon tells her that she’s not receptive to direction. Talking to her is like talking to a refrigerator.

But in the end, Fatso is told to leave! HALLELUJAH! Gordon tells him that he gave up before they even started, so it’s time to leave.

Fatso says that the girls only get to stay because they cry, but he’s not going to cry because he’s a man. He is, however, going to get drunk. Classy.

Some see beauty in a sunrise…I see beauty in Fatso, burning in effigy…

Wow. All these people are so terrible. Who do you guys think is going to win this thing? I think the only ones that have even a reasonable shot are Louross, Christina and maybe Ben. I’m seriously terrified for Gordon.

Next week is kid’s night on Hell’s Kitchen, so bring your crayons and paper placemats! Good times.

See you Tuesday!
love, mandamo
xoxo