Hell’s Kitchen: G.I. Blows

Welcome back for episode 2 of Hell’s Kitchen !

Previously on Hell’s kitchen 16 chefs arrived……I think we are using the word “chef” a little loosely here. 16 people arrived. People may be stretching it a little too. A bunch of fucktards made the cut and now are trying to become the winner of Hell’s Kitchen. And this guy came back.

Louie the Loser went home before first service and McFuckface creeped Gordon out more than Tequila girl and she got sent packing. Now on to a fresh week! As the “chef’s” leave the kitchen with their tails between their ass cheeks, McByPass tells us “Fat boy wid a dream is back and I am going to lead my team to victory. Or I’m gonna die trying.” Dude shut up. God can HEAR YOU!

Everyone mumbles shit about sucking, the girls immediately question McByPass about his skills and the boys are skeerd shitless. AD tells us that after a night of disaster Gordon offers some encouragement.

Gordon has a challenge for them. It’s a shrimp peeling challenge. Whichever team peels and cleans and passes the Gordon Ramsey whatthefuckisthatshit test wins.

Shrimp rains from the sky and then everyone scrambles to grab some and get to cleaning. With shrimp you have to pull their little fucking heads off, peel them and cut down their back to pull out the little shitty vein, intestine, whatever. Since there are more on the Red Team Lovely does what she does best and sits this one out.

Next up the guys go for it and wouldn’t ya know it suddenly we have a tie! With only one shrimp left to decide the fate of the losers! WHAT ARE THE ODDS I ASK? And since Gordon can’t find a sack the Blue Team wins! Yay. Only they don’t get to celebrate for long because Gordon takes this opportunity to single out WhoopiG and call her ass out on her extreme suckiness. Rude.

And the punishment is….shrimp cleaning. They will be serving shrimp cocktails tonight made entirely by the Red Team. Ya know, cause it just makes sense to have the people who suck at it the most actually prepare it for others. Oh Gordon.

The boys however, get to spend the day on a yacht eating seafood and showing off their flabby white asses. In the meantime, we get to see the suck team prepping lemons. And Tek says she has gotten to know these lemons better than some people she’s slept with.

Out come the Blue team on their way to their prize and this gives Ariel the chance to blame WhoopiG for all their woes. Nothing like team spirit is there? Fatty McByPass decides he needs a break and WhoopiG says look, tubazoid, these lemons need doing and doing now. Or something to that effect. Tennille (WhoopyG) says she needs to grab the reins and make up for her mistakes. This pisses Suzanne (who?) off who tells her she ain’t taken no shit off her.

Lovely as usual has her priorities straight and wants to know when they are going to be eating.

Ok over at The Cannery, the Blue Team should be enjoying themselves. Instead GI Blow, oh sorry I have been informed by someone in the know, (my husband) that if Joseph was a marine, then he would be known as a Jarhead. (Sigh) See,the husband was in the Army and he knows these things. (Sigh) So basically I guess I should be calling this douchebag Jarhead Blow instead of G.I. Blow. (Like I paid attention when he was in the Army, hello I was out…..nevermind) So anyway Jarhead Blow claims he ain’t there for lunches and whatnot he’s there for..who the hell knows? Oh yeah, to keep his eye on the prize. This is after Ramsey tells them about how much shit he had to take in order to become the chef he is. So he’s disrespecting Gordon. He must die.

Either freakin way JARHEAD BLOW makes a point of being an asshole and making absolutely no fucking sense whenever he speaks. Which normally I like in a guy but this dude is one butt scratch short of a skid mark.

And then we see this. As the yacht approaches, JP is standing like the Queen of freakin England and I love it!

Jim, who I also like for no apparent reason says “Here comes that crazy Belgium with a sock down his pants and a sweater over his shoulder.” Is is just me or does Jim remind you of Dana Carvey trying to do George Bush Sr years ago?

Ramsey makes a hasty exit and leaves the Blue Team to JP’s supple hands on the yacht. They yick yak about being winners and blah blah blah. Back at the kitchen however, Miss Too Boring For A Fucking nickname is still blaming their loss, global warming and fat people on WhoopiG. Suzbland (oh look a nickname) just cannot for the life of her understand someone being in a restaurant never having being taught to peel and clean shrimp. Here’s a thought. Get over it and move along chicken lips. Before I get angry and call you names.

Later both teams ready themselves for tonights service. McByPass takes the lead and tries to tell the womenfolk how to cut fish. Over on the Blue Team baldy McKevin, tries to help Tony out with the grapefruit. Which is really a straight forward kind of thing. I’ve supremed a grapefruit myself. No biggie. But Tony takes offense. Peel it, cut in between the membranes and DO IT OVER A BOWL TO CATCH THE JUICE.

Oh Dear Sweet Jesus, to add to tonights service they shall be serving shrimp scampi……tableside! Pardon me..hahhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok Ramsey that’s like dropping my Meemaw off at the Mall and telling her to meet you at The Gap.

Heehaw Van agrees cause ya know, he knows his way around a table. Specially if there’s beer on em’. For the Red Team, Ramsey once again singles out WhoopiG and I’m starting to think he has a serious grudge against her.

They are about to start service and Ramsey notices that Tony is yet again fucking up the grapefruit. How do you fuck up a grapefruit? Well due to satellite signal loss we’ll never know. Ok it was only a few seconds but when it comes back Ramsey is still yelling about it. Ok on a side note, grapefruit sux. Its bitter. I can’t imagine a sauce I would like it in. Just sayin.

Back to the show, Hell’s Kitchen is open! People are arriving and being seated. And this one seems to think he’s on a mission in Iraq to save gold nuggets from one of Hussein’s old toilets.

Then he screams at the camera that he’s “FUCKIN READY!” Settle down soldier, you are cooking, not saving small children from a ruthless dictator who swings from the gallows of hell now.

Oh man, Texas VanDinkle is asking Ramsey for a rag. Ramsey takes offense and suggests that if he had to shit would he also ask him for potty paper? He claims no but grins while he says it. Man am I glad he claims he’s from Texas. Georgia has enough to live down.

Anyhoodles, the whole night is a cluster fuck in the making. So and so has to coordinate with Mars and Jupiter to make sure the shrimp on Venus is succulent and tasty. In other words, both teams should be screwed all to hell.

All I know is WhoopiG is having an identity crisis and doesn’t know whether she should act sexy or white…………if I said that shit I would be hit with rocks and Al Sharpton would be at my house with a bullhorn calling me a racist fat bitch. Damn, WhoopiG I expected you to have more confidence than this shit. Be your damn self and serve some fuckimg shrimp. And if Al Sharpton shows up at my house I will distract his fat ass with Krispy Kreme donuts and then beat the shit out of his fake ass old woman perm with a fucking stick. That’s right I said it.

Back to the nights service. Well I’ll be damned. WhoopiG goes out there and charms the crowd by saying she is a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator. Everyone laughs. That’s my girl. By the way, still, fuck you Al.

Over on the Blue Team I hear Ramsey yell out blah blah blah scallops. And my poor lil buddy Tony gets so excited he yippies to cook the scallops. Apparently there is an order to things and his was totally WRONG!

God bless his retarded ass. Tony says and I quote “I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t think negative.” That’s a whole lot of can’ts dude. So while he rebuilds his nutsack, over in the Red Team Lovely seems to be having issues cooking her scallops. Seems she “forgot” to turn on the gas. Then she blames it on Tek.

In the Blue kitchen Tony fucks up the scallops yet again. And Ramsey points out that with his FOUR eyes he should have better vision than anyone.

Everyone is screaming at Tony to get the scallops out. He’s running around like my dog when I give him peanut butter. The next thing I know Ramsey is yelling at McByPass because he seems to be sucking all around in a major way. He’s burning shit. He’s sweating like a fat girl with her first love letter. Then he says this, ” It’s like trying to bust on the first night on your prom, you gotta heat up the oven up before you get busy baby.” Ok, first of all, eewwwwwwwww. Second of all, prom night, needed no “heating up of the oven” but that’s just me. I was a big……enthusiastic church supporter. And he makes this face which pretty much also represents my “church supporting” on prom night.

As the night wears on McByPass keeps screwing up. WhoopiG notices. My DVR keeps losing its mind and I am hanging on by a thread. For more reasons than one. Out in the dining room JP is trying to splain some things to Van. Van ain’t listening. Van is in action. JP is frenchly pissed off. He finally goes and tells Ramsey that RipVanDinkle is SERVING THE WRONG TABLE.

Finally Ramsey calls Van over and tells him he’s serving the wrong table and he asks JP and Van what the hell their problem is. JP says a language barrier. Ramsey is all “Language barrier, he’s speaking English” and JP says ” yes he’s from Texas.”

Over on the Red Team they are rushing so much that they are trying to kill babies.

Here’s a thought, if you are pregnant, don’t eat anything questionable. Even if you are on tv and see a chance to sue a big network for bazillions of dollars. See it’s us little people who pay for your greed. In other words, I will send Cousin Al to your house in a heartbeat bitch.

Moving along, Why is Ramsey all up WhoopiG’s ass? He yells at her to wake up when she tells him that preggers, who by the way looks 55 if she’s a day, needs her shrimp cooked to death. It takes what? Two freaking minutes to cook shrimp? Ramsey makes her go tell the others she needs 6 minutes to cook some shrimp. Ok people., I don’t have a James Beard award but I know if you cook shrimp for 6 minutes you might as well be eating rubber balls. And not those kind you use for sex. I mean that some people use for sex. The ones that flipit uses for sex.

Meanwhile Van is working the room. He’s all about impressing his customers with his mad scampi skills. Only one problem. He’s an idiot.

As DipVanStinkle keeps going with his skills he tells us its all about charisma and finesse and then he drops shrimp all over the floor. TWICE! Impressive. Especially to this one.

Ok when your old ass is desperate enough to find some douchebag dropping your FOOD on the floor amusing……you need some hormone therapy. Or a donkey. And from the looks of that woman….I shouldn’t judge. Oh fuck it. She looks like an old crackhead ok?

As DipVanDumbass runs to get more shrimp, JP yells at him not to run in the restaurant.
And all hell breaks loose. Van screams at him not to touch him. JP yells some shit. Back and forth they go. Finally Gordon jumps in, Once again he yells at them to listen and respect each other and the customers come first blah blah bullshit blah. He asks them to agree and they both sort of half ass agree….to something. And then JP becomes my all time in the history of reality craptastic television by saying……………..

WhoopiG tells Gordon she’s a little backed up. Like 6 tables backed up. He loses his shit as expected. Skunky Pumpernickleface seems to delight in this fact. Yet again Gordon screeches at WhoopiG that she just sunk her team and to fuck off. Did I miss something? Did she refuse to blow him in the alley? Did she bite him? WTF? Why is all his anger directed at her her?

Red Team falls behind while Blue Team surges ahead…..for about a half a second. Then instead of using the thermometer as JarHead Blow points out, Dana Carvey decides to make chicken nuggets which I happen to enjoy immensely.

Over on the Red Team things don’t get much better. Ramsey screams “Where’s the chicken?” and Suzbland tries to tell Sabrina (there’s a Sabrina?) that the chicken is raw but she won’t listen and sends it to the pass.

I don’t wear lipstick Chef, I’m not that kind of dyke.

Back to the Blue Team Chef wants a halibut. Now. Tony’s response? Ok Chef…now? Chef’s response? “OH MY GOD!” He doesn’t even season it. All he does is apologize for his lamenes. It’s like my first love. Kevin takes over and then we switch back to Lovely and her raw fish. Now to his face she says “Yes Chef.” However……….

Next Lovely sends out burned sea bass leaving Suzbland to think she doesn’t know how to cook at all. And Ramsey calls her “Dumbo”. A little childish for my taste. I prefer fucktard, turd smear, anal sludge. Adult things like that. Ramsey then decides after an hour and a half thru service that fuck all everything sux. Jarhead Blow claims he can redeem all with his halibut.. This sets in motion everyone on the Blue Team, The Harlem Globe Trotters, The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and the Dream Team all trying to cook a piece of fucking fish.

It’s a cluster fuck of I’ll take charge. Except for this guy who pissed his pants at the thought of taking charge.

Ramsey (and I giggle) runs to the Red Team hopefully to find better progress. As I mentioned I giggle. He asks for one roasted crown chicken. Ok. I call it baked chicken but you know those brits.

Gordon screeches that the rat is burnt and then calls them all over. I bet I know what comes next. A commercial. Dude, I have laundry to do. Hello?

Sorry, back from commercial we see some unhappy customers.

Ramsey however has drawn a line. He has decided that these latest crop of non talented fucktards can in no way fuck up a shrimp cocktail. And that’s what he orders them to serve. Well what do ya know, the shrimp is a hit!

At this point Ramsey has gone nuts. He screams at the idiots that they have now turned his restaurant into a shrimp stand. And I think he’s about to bust a vein on this one. In his ass. The hemmie kind. And he shuts it down.

Ramsey tells them that tonight was worse than last night. Absolutely shocking. Again he attacks WhoopiG for serving raw shrimp to a pregnant lady,. Again I saw hey preggo, let go the shrimpo, if you give a shit about the bambino. Maybe that’s just me, but I don’t usually leave the fate of those I love to other peoples hands. Was she supposed to be fucking psychic? And again it takes less than 2 minutes to cook a freakin shrimp, how raw could it be? I’m calling bullshit on this one Ramsey my love! So piss off!

Now he has decided that each team will pick 2 people for elimination. Now fuck off. Oh he said that, not me. Oh Dear Sweet Jesus in heaven, back and forth they go. He did, you did, she didn’t, I can’t, he won’t…………..sigh. Just when I think I am about to come to a peaceful end to a crappy show, Texas Van starts threatening to punch people. Ok big boy. I’m in. Jim suggests that since Van almost punched JP maybe he has an issue or two and should go up. To prove him wrong DipVanDumbass suggests he punch his ass right now. Oh man I used to love you guys in high school. Watch you terrorize some freshman then drag you behind the bleachers until your pants were about to explode, and then tell you I was blowing the dude you just threw in the dumpster every day right before lunch. Ahhhhh, sweet sweet memories.

Anyway, Van keeps yapping about how everyone loved him. Yeah I especially love my shrimp scampi with rug fuzz on it. He keeps threatening to fuck Jim up. Then do it. Pffft!

FINALLY everyone is brought together and Ramsey looks like he needs a good shit. For some un Godly reason he asks Ariel (Pumpernickleface) who they have nominated. Well that would be WhoopiG because she served raw shrimp to a preggo. Second nom was Lovely based on overall performance and experience. Ha! If that’s the case she’s screwed!

Gordon asks Blue Team’s Jarhead Blow who his noms are and he pussies out and says ” They can speak for themselves but they know who they are.” Excuse me a sec……hahahahahahahhahahahhaahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Gordon ain’t buying that shit and says hey puss puss who the fuck are your nominees? Oh yeah and he called him a smartass. I Love him so.

Smartass says “No problem, Tony and Andy.” Oh hell, Ramsey says, “Listen I know you might be slightly stupid. (YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW HARD I AM LAUGHING RIGHT NOW!) Seriously I hurt right now in my rib cage. Jarhead continues with Ok, “First nom and why? Tony. We sat down as a group.” “NO peer pressure, we’re men.”

Oooooooohhhh words go back and forth. It’s a man off y’all. Jarhead is challenging the sainted GORDON RAMSEY! Gordon says “Unbelievable, one simple request, who and why, and you make abig song and dance about it,” In other words. You are a giant pussy marine boy.

For some reason Jarhead felt the need to announce, “I ain’t no fuckin’ bitch chef.I don’t give a fuck. I ain’t no bitch.” Oh REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY?

Ramsey says “WHAY?”

Jarhead says “I ain’t no bitch!” Fatty McByPass tries to soothe the situation by telling Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome Dude that Ramsey is trying to bring out the best in his fucked up ass. Ariel, I think. sqays “Yeah show some respect.” and PTSSD says “Shut ya fuckin mouth.” I guess Paxil ain’t workin for him. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s Suzbland I think trying to talk sense to him but he just yells, “Shut up yoos, I ain’t here for yoos.” Even Ramsey is shocked! And he knows how to insult a person!

On and on it goes until Ramsey lays down the law and says basically, I ask the fucking questions and you answer them! PTSD Dude decides they should take this out to the parking lot.

Oh hell he took off his jacket, threw it to the floor, and walked right up to Ramsey and said “Let’s go step outside.”

And then we see this…………

As you can see this has been very traumatizing for me. How do you spell a snort sound? Anyhoo, until next week lovies, love and smoochies,
Cherie