Hello peeplets! Last week on Hell’s Kitchen McByPass went to the hospital, Gordon and WhoopiG had foreplay, both teams sucked ass and Jim was sent packing. Lets see what the chefabes are up to this week!
Let’s just say Ima call him Mr. Ram from now on.
This week starts off with the chefabes whining about being losers and promising to do better. Gee we’ve never heard that one before. The girls tell Sabrina whats past is past. Over on the boys team Corpseface Andy says “I think we need to get rid of Robert. Uhhh on whose planet did ButterButt make y’all losers lose?
If I gotta see this flabby pale mess, so do you.
Morning comes and still no McByPass. Gordon gathers these simpletons together and he has a surprise. There is a covered object that looks like a pool table and he has Heather and Scott remove the covering to show this.
Someone has been watching the Game Show Network way too much.
Gordon explains that they will be rolling the dice that has letters on them and when they have their letter that person has to come up with an ingredient starting with that letter. This is supposed to “further their creativity”. He should just give them some crayons and call it a day. One person is extremely happy about this.
One time when I was gamblesing, I dranked so much tequilas I couldn’t feel my face.
Gordon tells them to make sure the ingredients they choose compliment each other as they will be used in the next phase of this torture as a meal. He says he doesn’t want to see any Dijon mustard covered bananas.
Dammit! Chef took my idea!
Suzbland rolls first and she lands on R. She chooses rabbit. Gordon seems impressed, or scared not sure. Suzbland is happy with her choice and then Sabrina says this. “It was a good one. They are so cute and cuddly they gotta be good to eat.”
Keep away from my fucking dog you crazy bitch!
TequilaGirl goes next and lands on H. She says Haricotvert……..green beans. WhoopiG rolls a P. She chooses potatoes. Sabrina rolls a G and chooses garlic. At this point Mr. Personality has begun to worry. That would probably make a smarter person start rattling off ingredients in their heads to prepare themselves.
Up next is Ariel and she lands on H and chooses hamhock. Gordon likes this. So the Red Team’s menu will consist of rabbit, haricotvert, potatoes, garlic and ham hock. Gordon calls this rustic.
Two Heather sightings in one show!
Blue Team’s turn. Gordon tells them they get one extra roll because ButterButt is still in the hospital. Up first is Corpseface. He rolls a H and calls for haddock. But first he tells us that what popped into his mind first was Henrietta Hippo. Hey! Leave me outta this ya bastard! Up next is Mr. Personality and he rolls a F. I would’ve said fudge but he thinks for what seems like an hour and finally manages to say figs. All the men groan. Cueball Kevin wanted him to say fennel. Everyone laughs at figs.
Hey missy, sexual favors are NOT going to win this for you!
Van rolls an A and chooses angel hair pasta. The girls continue to laugh and snicker. Getting a little cocky I would say. Cueball is up and he rolls an A and he chooses apples. Corpseface rolls a T and he chooses tomatoes. The girls are laughing but there are definite possibilities with these ingredients as nutty as it sounds. So to sum up the Blue Team has chosen haddock,figs,angel hair pasta,apples and tomatoes.
It’ll either be creative or crap.
Gordon tells the chefabes they have 30 minutes to cook their masterpieces. Off they go. The Red Team has a plan from the get go. The men are struggling. Mr.Personality is doing everything with his figs besides sticking them on the head of his pee pee. DipVanShutthehellup makes fun of him. Dude if you would shut the hell up and get to work you realize you could make an awesome sauce with figs.
Back over on the Red Team Suzbland is running around sticking her nasty little fingers in everyone else dishes. She is on everyone’s nerves mine included. She tells us she knows they can’t tolerate her but she can’t tolerate them either so there!
Figs figs figs figs fiiiiiiiiiiiigs!!!!!!!!!!!
Cueball finally gets a clue and adds some figs to the tomato sauce and slap me silly it actually tastes good. Over on the Red Team Ariel has made a garlic puree. She has everyone taste it. WhoopiG says it needs balance and to add some sugar. Ariel rolls her eyes at this and refuses to do it. She knows what she’s doing y’all! On to the tasting!
Up first is the women’s dish. It’s a pan roasted tenderloin and leg of rabbit with roasted garlic and rosemary puree, with some of the hamhock stock and the haricotvert.
Wait, I thought that haricotverts were those people who hang out at the airport wearing robes.
Gordon like the rabbit, then says the garlic in the puree is strong. Cueball thinks they have a chance now that Gordon mentioned the garlic.
Over to the Blue Team. They have a braised haddock with a tomato and fig sauce over angle hair pasta. He says the fig was to offset the acidity of the tomatoe. Gordon calls it “clever”. Gordon says the fish is delicious.
I told you so.
Gordon stalls by saying it’s a very tough decision. He says both dishes are delicious. The winning dish is……………..THE BLUE TEAM! Yay figs rule!
Holy shit even Mr. Personality is smiling! I didn’t know his face could do that!
Gordon tells the Red Team that the garlic is just so overpowering. Uh oh WhoopiG is mad as hell because she tried to tell this dumbass and she wouldn’t listen.
To make matters worse for the Red Team, the Blue Team gets to take a trip to Vegas! All the men are happy as hell and the women look like they just got their period. Gordon tells the ladies that their day will be quite miserable. Not only do they have to clean both kitchens, restocking shelves, unpacking boxes and whenever they hear a horn honk it means a delivery truck is there and they have to unload it. Almost as soon as they start cleaning a horn honks.
Now you know damn well that was a setup. But I still giggled.
The first box WhoopiG picks up, the bottom falls out and out come all kinds of lemons and they roll everywhere. At this point the guys come out all dressed up-ish. They laugh at the girls as they walk by and someone says they want to throw lemons at them. Please do.
The Blue Team makes their way to Vegas. When they pull up to the hotel they are greeted with this.
That sign should be changed to Hell’s Kitchen Chefabes immediately!
Back at the kitchen Sabrina announces she’s done, she’s over this. She whines to us that they have been unloading trucks, doing inventory and prepping both kitchens. Yeah that’s why it’s called a PUNISHMENT! She continues by saying, “Just when you think your day is over, it’s not.” And in walks JP telling them they need to unload his wine.
Notice he’s not carrying a thing lol.
JP tells them when they are done “Get some sleep. You’ll need it.” The women all settle in for a long nights sleep while the men are still partying it up in Vegas. They have been given the Hardwood Suite. The one that has the basketball court, a bar all kinds of boy stuff.
Meanwhile back at Hell’s Kitchen we see this.
That’s never a good sign.
Honk honk! The women have to jump up and unload yet another truck. WhoopiG is pissed off. She shouts that she was sleep. “S L E E P! Now you know what I am? AWAKE!” She continues with “This is some bullshit.” When it’s over she stomps up the steps yelling “Goodnight! You see it’s night. NIGHT!”
When my eyelids are shut that means I’m sleeeeeeeeeep! Fuckers!
The next morning the women whine their way back to the kitchen to start prep. The men come dragging in looking like they have hangovers. McByPass has yet to return. DipVandingdong tells us that they don’t need McByPass. He tells us that the Blue Team has “bonded.”
Hey! What happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas dumbass!
Over in the Red kitchen, Suzbland says some shit about “hustle with the quickness” causing the other girls to laugh. Ariel says she doesn’t need someone telling her that if she hurries she will get done faster. Duh. Suzbland then tells us that the girls are so catty.
They are just jealous of my chicken lips and rabbit teeth.
Back in the Blue kitchen Cueball is giving everyone a pep talk. A creepy one. He says “It’s about us. It’s not Andy. It’s not Dave. It’s not Van. It’s not Kevin. It’s about US! Ok seriously just what the hell kind of bonding did you guys do in Vegas. Sheesh. The “bonding” continues and they are just so “stoked” that McByPass isn’t there. Until he walks thru the door of course.
Hey guys, did Y’all miss me?
None of the men are happy to see him and it shows. Corpseface says “It’s killing me.” Dude you already look dead anyway. Someone asks him “What’s the word?” and McByPass says “They said I have a small heart for my body.” Uh……duhhhhhhhhhhh. VanDongBreath laughs but Corpseface says to us “He makes himself look like a fool. I wanted to say to him, eat a salad.”
Eat some coffin liner you sweaty dead faced weasel.
DipVanshithead tells us that “we done been to Vegas and we were hanging out. Now all the sudden he’s back. Don’t seem right.” Yeah cause if you have to go to the hospital you should be killed immediately. Shut the hell up you bowl headed freak.
McByPass changes into his chef clothes and when he comes back no one speaks to him. Then Scott gives them a very important piece of information. There is a topping that comes wrapped a piece of plastic, like sliced cheese. He tells them to remember to remove it before you cook. Hahahaha I see it coming. McByPass tells us that he has no friends here, he doesn’t want any friends. And then he tells the team he will be right back. Dude you better have the shits or something because you look like you just don’t give a shit anymore.
Damn ButterButt you are killing me here!
Gordon comes in and assembles the chefabes. He asks McByPass how he’s feeling. He tells him the Dr. said he didn’t have a heart attack but he’s got to know his limits. Oh and that he should eat lots of cheese burgers. His team mates roll their eyes as he’s speaking. Gordon announces that tonight for the very first time in Hell’s Kitchen they will have Chef’s tables. And in comes two couches, one red, one blue and they sit them down right there in front of the kitchens. The couches are for the chefs that will be coming to observe and be served.
Never heard of them.
Nope, not a clue.
Gordon tells them he has put his neck out there because he has invited two Executive Chefs from 2 of his restaurants. Two from L.A. and two from NY. You can tell who’s who cause the ones from L.A. look like they don’t eat. And he tells them not to make him look stupid. With that Hell’s Kitchen is open for business.
Dave goes over to his VIP table to welcome them and take their app order. Only he doesn’t ask what they want. When Ramsay asks him if he took their order he says yes, two risottos. Ha!
Uh did you order risotto? Nope, me either.
Over on the Red Team Ariel is just running around like she’s in her own little world. Ramsay has to tell her that it’s been 17 minutes and she hasn’t even spoken to the VIPs.
She runs over to the anorexic table and intros herself and tells them what appetizers they may choose from. They order scallops and king crab.
You poor things, have you been trapped on a desert island?
Over on the Blue Team Mr.Personality finally finishes the risotto and it seems to be a hit. Mr. Personality is thrilled. Not that you could tell from his face.
I’m so happy I may cry.
Ariel on the other hand serves up the scallops and king crab and the critique is not so favorable. The dark haired scrawny chef says “You were a bit harsh on the old sear on the scallops maybe slightly around the edge it’s a little burnt.” He also says it needs “more salt, more fucking salt.” Then he says “The simple things are always the hardest to get right I suppose.” Ouch.
Ariel tells us it’s her fault because she didn’t check the scallops and she should have. Uhhhhhhhhh……..ya THINK?
Here’s my neck. Chop at will.
Twenty five minutes in and both kitchens are doing well. They have sent out more than half their apps. The Blue Team is ready to start entrees. DipVanBlah tells us that he has tons of experience with fish. What could possible go wrong?
It seems DipVanDouche FORGOT to take the plastic wrap off the olive paste topping. McByPass says to us “Hello McFly!” and DipVanDingleberry says “I can fire another one right now chef.” Ramsay is not pleased in the least. He asks him what he’s supposed to say to the customer. He says “I don’t know Chef.” Then he tells us that he don’t know why that was wrapped in plastic anyway.
Over on the Red Team Ramsay calls for salmon, halibut,rabbit, lamb. Suzbland runs around yet again acting like she’s working. She goes over what Ramsay just called for with Sabrina which pisses her off. Then she yells that they have to keep everyone talking and be peppy. She would find herself face down in the deep fryer if I was there. Sabrina says Suzbland was being “fake busy” and pretty soon chef will see it too.
Busy busy busy……doing nothing.
The Red Team is sending out entrees but on the Blue team guess what happens? Again? Yep yet another customer was treated to a DipVanTard plastic wrap topped fish.
The customer tells JP and JP says “Yeah it’s not the first time.”
I’ll pay you a hundred dollars not to make me go tell Chef Ramsay.
Ruh roh, Chef yells at them to STOP! He yells, “I beg for concentration, I beg for fucking focus and now for the fucking second time MORE FUCKING PLASTIC!” and he throws the plate in the garbage. There is the rage I’ve been looking for. All night he seemed a little off his screaming tirade game. He gets in DipVanIdiot’s face and screams “Its not little pieces of plastic it’s whole fucking layers! Then he tells him to fuck off lol. He also says stop looking for excuses and check everything.
DipVanDippy tells us he’s better than that. Awww no you aren’t. Back to the Red Team. The women are steadily sending out entrees. Until Ramsay notices that Sabrina is using a dirty pan to cook new garnish. He yells at her and calls her a pig. All she says is yes Chef. Dammit, I want fireworks! I want screaming matches galore! Nothing!
The anorexic chefs are laughing their asses off at the show and Sabrina is running around like crazy trying to get her shit together. Back to the Blue. They are so focused on entrees that they have to be reminded by Ramsey that they have VIPs. No wonder, it’s DipVanDick’s turn. He runs over there all sweaty and out of breath and mumbles “What’ll ya have?” The VIPs are like I don’t know what are the choices. He rambles off seabass,salmon,halibut and cod. They ask what do you do with it. He has to think on this one.
Well usually I put plastic wrap on top of them.
He stumbles over his words and then says “the sea bass is encrusted with pistachios, it’s ah-ight, it’s, it’s not that good.” Excuse me for a sec. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
You have got to be kidding me. Isn’t that one of Ramsay’s recipes? He continues with “the salmon is like uh, it’s braised baby ramone, uh baby romaine lettuce.” The VIPs are laughing, I’m laughing cause this dude cannot be for real. He tells us that he’s messing up in front of these executive chefs. And he’s laughing. Ramsay has to tell him to hurry it up. DipVanUsless tells them he has to go and then steps back and says “Alright what do y’all want.” Finally they order halibut and sea bass.
Over on the Red Team the anorexic VIPs are enjoying Sabrina’s work. But then Ramsay starts to have a fit because he calls out an order and no one says anything and he tells them that every time he turns his back “it just goes flat!” Suzbland is up TequilaGirls ass and its pissing her off. WhoopiG and TequilaGirl get everything moving again. However on the Blue Team McByPass is mutilating the lamb.
Seriously Silence of the Lambs
Oh damn, Corpseface took my line. Screw him, I wrote it first. He tells us there is lamb and oil every where and we see a small fire over to the side. ButterButt goes to the pass with his lamb and asks Corpseface to wipe up the ground where I assume he spilled oil sweat and who the hell knows what else. On the way to the pass we see this.
I don’t know if that’s snot or sweat but either way it probably tastes like bacon grease.
McByPass is in for it now. Ramsey calls him out on his crappy carving and cooking skills. Or lack there of. He asks him if that’s the best he can do and McByPass yells “Hell NO!” LOL then why didn’t you do your best THE FIRST TIME? These people are killing me.
Corpseface tells us McByPass should have that shit down by now. Ramsay screams at him that he needs the meat to be twice the size of the bone. McByPass says to us, “Me giving 75% of myself is better than half the people in here.” Oh man. He’s a goner.
McByPass is a sad sad panda.
The Red Team is down to the last 2 tables. Everyone seems to have their shit together except for Ariel. TequilaGirl calls for pasta and Ariel basically ignores her. TequilaGirl gets a tude and says “When I yell for pasta I need somebody to stick that shit down.” She keeps yelling that she needs pasta. Ramsay however seems to place the blame on TequilaGirl and she yells back that she waiting for the freakin pasta!
What’s the matter Amander, are you getting sober?
TequilaGirl get yelled at some more and she tells us “Sorry chef it’s not me, it’s your princess.” Eew if that girl is a Princess I’m a swim suit model. Now everyone is yelling for pasta and Ariel says “I’m checking it don’t worry about it.” I’d slap that bitch. Ramsay keeps yelling about how they only have 2 tables left and it’s like giving birth. Back to Blue, he calls for halibut,salmon,rabbit,and a bunch of other shit. And then we see this.
That looks vulgar.
He yells at them to come there and Cueball makes the mistake of continuing to stir pasta and Ramsay jumps his shit. He calls him cocky and accuses him of trying to make himself look good. Then he tells McByPass to fuck off. He says “Yes chef.” Like someone kicked his puppy and Ramsay tells him not to act like a fucking babay. McByPass screams back “I’m not acting like a baby.” Thank God. Could you imagine having to change THAT diaper?
Where’s my pacifier?
Ramsey yells for them to switch it off. They are DONE! Over on the Red Team they have served their last table and Ramsay tells them to “Clear down. Well done.” TequilaGirl is all happy cause you know, it’s cocktail time.
Over on the Loser Team Mr. Personality is bummed that they messed up so badly in front of the VIPs. Gordon calls them all together. He tells them that they got off to a great start and then in the middle BAM! And he takes out the VIP’s comment cards.
No TequilaGirl those are NOT two tickets to paradise.
Both VIP Chef’s from the Red kitchen said they’d be happy to return. The VIP’s from the Blue Team….not so much. Gordon says the ladies were more hungry for it tonight. So the Blue Team clearly lost. He tells DipVanStank that fish was not his friend tonight and he tells McByPass that he cut the lamb too thin and sent up an order of rabbit still with fur on it. LOL. He says one chef stood out. And he did it with one arm. Mr. Personality gets to chose 2 losers to go up for elimination.
Upstairs McByPass yells to us that he knows he sucked but he should not go home. DipVanPlastic doesn’t think he should go. I think you both should go and take Corpseface with you. Someone tries to throw Corpseface under the bus. He acknowledges he’s been up a lot but doesn’t think he should be this week. He then tells us “I’m the kind of guy that will do anything,anytime,anywhere.”
Eeew, info I seriously could have done without.
Arguments ensue. McByPass says to Corpseface that he will bet anything that he ain’t going to win this shit. Even if he doesn’t win it, Corpseface damn sure ain’t winning it. Mr.Personality does not like this and tells us that McByPass stripped Corpseface of his dignity. Corpseface then tells McByPass “Has anyone told you they hate working with you?” McByPass just keeps repeating “Suck a dick.” On and on it goes.
Finally downstairs they go. Ramsay asks for the first nomination. He says McByPass. Shocker! He says it is based on his performance tonight and the fact that he has health issues, oh and he’s worried about him. Second nomination……DipVanPitface. Ramsay calls them down and then says “Andy, come here you.”
The Three Stooges.
McByPass mumbles “Thank God” and Ramsay asks him what he said.McByPass says “Thank God he’s up here.” Ramsay turns his sights on Corpseface. He tells him he doesn’t feel that he’s looking at Whistler’s head chef. Then he turns to VanBoxhead (I’m running out of shit to call him) and Ramsays says one word. “PLASTIC!” VanCrap says no excuses chef. Ramsey then asks him if he’s peeked. He says “No. You got 20 something years in this business, you can spot talent!” Ramsey tells him to do him a favor and get back in line.
That leaves McByPass and Corpsface. Ramsey asks McByPass why he should stay. He tells him he’s never been on the block once and he’s “disgusted to even be sharing the same stage with this guy.” He says he’s been up three times, never there for the team always fucking around. Corpseface wants to address that. Ramsay looks baffled and nods his head.
Did you know that when you point at someone there are 3 fingers pointing back at you?
Corpseface tells Ramsay that if he asks the team they will tell him that McByPass does nothing all day, he barely does anything. McByPass jumps in with you fucking fly under the radar all night. Corpseface keeps going with how McByPass always says he’s “conserving his energy.” and he says that just means he doesn’t do shit. McByPass accuses him of hiding behind desserts and Corpseface says he was assisting him. Wow McByPass is really putting on a show. Corpseface says he kept having to clean up his oil. McByPass tells him he just doesn’t like being told he doesn’t have it. Meanwhile Gordon is rubbing his face. McByPass tells Corpseface he doesn’t need to have his respect and Corpseface replies, “Dude you don’t got it.” Oh God it won’t stop. McByPass says that if Corpseface wins Hell’s Kitchen he will hang up his chef’s jacket. for life. And he’s kinda hopping around to make his point. Corpseface tells him he should do it now.
Sheesh, finally Gordon says “My decision is………Andy, get back in line!” Hey that’s just mean Gordon! He tells McByPass to take off his jacket.
I feel kinda sad. Kinda.
He says that McByPass has had more services than anyone else and that the last dish he served him was raw. McByPass shakes his hand and tells him he will see him again as a chef. Ramsey says “I can’t wait to see you again and thanks for trying.” As McByPass is leaving he says “Andy your time is coming man, guarantee it.”
Then we get a flashback of all of McByPass’s finest and not so finest moments. He tells us that Ramsay has changed his life for the better and they better watch out cause three times is the charm. Dude, you won’t be back again. Gordon sends the others off to bed. DipVandufus and Corpseface both tell us this is it, they can’t screw up again. What.Ever.
One more pic for you J-Mo.
So long ButterButt!
Until next week lovies,
Love and smoochies,