Howdy there folks. Yeah yeah I know its been a little long for this recap. But since Hell’s Kitchen didn’t come on this week due to the giant Big Brother EXTRAVAGANZA, I figured I’d hold off and then it wouldn’t seem so long in between Hell’s episodes. Let’s check in on our chefabes and get to the real reason this shit is so late.
French, Belgian who the fuck cares?
Ok so AT&T sux ass. It’s ok now though. A hideous looking dude came out and crawled under my house and with all three of his teeth I am pretty sure he said “Ma’am alls is got mussed by them thar ants and such and i’z about to reiware it y’all be all fixed it.”
I think that means he had to rewire some shit. Either way I now have internet that doesn’t cut out every 2 1/2 minutes and so for the last week I’ve been watching
porn researching the next episode of Hell’s Kitchen. Seriously I have forgotten over the last 3 months whats its like to have continuous internet. IT’S AMAZING Y’ALL! Ok on to the show!
Suzbland tries her best to convince everyone that she’s really really there for the team. REALLY! No one believes. Even Jesus rolls his eyes. Don’t ask how I know, I just do. Ramsay calls them all out to explain to them all that the very existence of food came from the French. Ok. I thought stench and “I surrender” came from there but hell, I only have a GED. As Ramsay says this he’s looking at JP who for the 8th billion time explains that he is NOT French, he is Belgian. Like the waffle.
Shall I French Fry your tiny penis you pompous over paid asshole?
If any of you have ever tried to do a recap when your internet becomes Sybill you will understand the tears rolling down my fat little face right now. So, last episode, the Red Team sucked ass, WhoopiG once again proved she’s there because she’s good and she nominated Suzbland, who by the way I wouldn’t let make me a ham sandwhich and she nominated Sabrina but Chef I’m Starting To Wonder About His Sanity called TequilaGirl down too and booted her ass. OK so TQG is a little odd. But Suzbland can’t warm water! UGH! Sheesh have I even posted one picture yet? I am so used to my internet crashing and me screaming and slamming the keyboard down. Oh I mean, the cat knocked that last keyboard off and that’s why it broke and needed to be replaced. You know, in case the husband is reading this. WHAT?
Oh good grief. They start playing clown music and JP and Ramsay speak french to one another which tickles DingVanDong shitless. And he calls JP “Whistle Britches.” I don’t want to like it. But I cannot help myself. So from now on Whistle Britches it is.
Gordon explains to the chefabes that they are to make crepes. One breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert. Ramsay demonstrates and I’ve made crepes before but I didn’t have a fancy lil stick I just roled the shit around to coat the pan. Not this dude. He’s all fancy and shit and ends up with what basically looks like a hot pocket.
Ok I’m supposed to do what with that stick there Frenchfrog?
Off they go with 20 minutes to make four separate crepes. Basically a nightmare of burned things, half slathered batter and just mostly nothing anyone would want to eat.
Ramsay it seems is judging these dolts on creativity, technique and attention to detail. Meanwhile Suzbland is sucking up to everyone she can find. Apron? Tongs? Happy Ending? No one is impressed. The Blue Kitchen looks like they have never made a crepe in their lives.
I think they make an ointment for that.
The whole time they play creepy clown/circus music and finally time runs out and it’s time to taste this mess. Up first is the breakfast crepe to be served to WhistleBritches and Ramsay by Ariel and VanWad.
Van is first….his is a breakfast crepe made with bacon,quail eggs, pepperjack cheese & fresh herbs.
Looks a little pale to me.
Ramsay says it would have tasted good had the crepe not been all spongy. WhistleBritches just nods in agreement.
Up next is Ariel with he breakfast crepe of smoked salmon, herbs and honey.
It looked good until she said what was inside.
Ramsay and WhistleBritches agree it’s a hit. Score one for the Red Team.
Next up is lunch crepes served by WhoopiG and Corpseface.
WhoopiG’s looks a mess and she tells them it’s pepperjack, bacon and shrimp, with a black bean salsa.
They both act like they just licked a lollipop from hell and drink water and make a big fuss about how spicy it is. WhoopiG looks like she wants to smack them.
Next is Corpseface with his lunch crepe filled with some sort of cheese I’ve never heard of, prosciutto and avocado. I somehow missed getting a pic of it so just imagine a crepe here.
WhistleBritches loves it and gets to say at least three lines having something to do with the avocado being the best part because it cools down the spices. I bet WhoopiG wants to kick him in his nuts about now. We are now tied 1-1.
Cueball is up first with his dinner crepe filled with everything imaginable seafood wise and goat cheese.
That’s a whole lot of stuff packed in there.
Ramsay loves it and so does WhistleBritches. Up next is Suzbland and I am already laughing. First of it looks burned. Then she names about 800 ingredients and how she grew them all on a farm in Vermont while simultaneously milking cows and churning butter and sewing clothes for the homeless.
Again, looks like a Hot Pocket to me.
As she keeps yip yapping its making the rest of the team seriously contemplate new uses for butcher knives. My favorite is when WhoopiG is talking to the camera and shouts “it’s got so and so in! JUST SAY THAT!”
Ima kill that bitch before this show is over.
Aside from all that, the Tasty Twins have a hard time deciding who is best. So they call it a tie. It’s now 2-2.
Dessert is next. The One Armed Wonder presents his first. And to call it a mess is like saying dogshit has a bit of an odor.
I think someone already ate that. And rejected it.
It’s supposed to be a cream cheese with mixed berries crepe. Ramsay says it looks like a plate of diarrhea. Damn Chef, if you have that shit coming out of your ass you need to call the Medic stat! He is so not impressed and says he wanted a crepe, not a plate of crap. Sabrina giggles. The One Armed Wonder prays that Sabrina sux.
Next Sabrina has a crepe with poached pears and a chocolate ganache infused with cinnamon and then a little Grand Marnier to give the chocolate a little kick.
I think we have a winner!
Ramsay says he can see that on the menu in Whistler and Sabrina giggles some more. Ladies win! Sabrina does a little happy dance dork thingy that makes me want to slap her.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I’m a dork.
Oh gross, Ramsay congrats the ladies and then announces that tonight they are adding a little French flavor to the menu. That means gross shit. BINGO. They are adding escargot, frog legs and of course crepes. I’m going on a diet. Right now. He tells the losers they will be prepping both kitchens as usual and the girls get the bestest prize ever!
Cueball tells us he is sick of losing. Sick he says!
Here’s a tip. STOP LOSING!
The womens prize is that they are going to a wonderful French Restaurant. Yeah. Oh and there will be a bit of a surprise in there too. The men start whining, the women get ready to go.
Off to the surprise. It’s hideous. It’s horrible. It’s the stuff of nightmares. I’m not fucking kidding.
That is just one step below a CLOWN. The most evil creature on earth.
Oh goody. He’s going to teach them all how to pantomime because its the oldest form of communication. Really? I thought fucking was. Sue me.
It would almost be worth it if I could actually hit that bitch.
Back at the Blue kitchen they are prepping and listening to Scott rag the shit out of them. It almost makes up for the mime. Prep prep prep. Meanwhile the women are now at a restaurant eating God only knows what. But they are drinking and having fun.
And this is what they are eating. That’s gross.
WhoopiG tells us that it gave them a chance to bond. That means she’s drunk. While the girls are eating this smearing high priced crap they think is so delish, the men meanwhile are eating things like cow tongue and head cheese. I may puke before this episode ends.
I’m starting to believe that God and flipit hates me.
That’s some gross ass shit. Corpseface meanwhile is eating head cheese like its Doritos and explaining how they make it. The One Armed Wonder tries the cow tongue and almost barfs.
Dude I’d rather kiss a skunks ass!
Thankfully all that nasty shit is over and it’s time to finish prepping for tonights service. As everyone is speed demoning their way to final prep, Corpseface slices off the ends of his fingers. Because he’s a dumbass.
Tip:When using a mandolin, either pay attention or use the handy dandy little guard that comes with it.
Corpseface screams for the Medic who then calls for a car to take them to the hospital as he will need stitches. One Armed Wonder thinks Corpseface is out for good and VanGreasyHead thinks the whole team is cursed.
Ramsay calls them all together to give them all a pep talk before opening. Tonight he wants SUCCESS! Open up WhistleBritches!
Announcer Dude tells us that Hell’s Kitchen has been given a French makeover for the evening. I could make some really bad French jokes about now but I’m trying to be nice.
Sure, they will go nicely with those lil frog lips you have.
Holy shit Corpseface is back. However he is confused as to what goes with what or where or basically what the hell he’s doing.
Dude, Demerol is the shit!
The One Armed Wonder basically takes over the risotto that Corpseface should be doing and as usual Ramsay loves it. On the Red Team Sabrina is not so lucky. Ramsay goes and grabs One Armed Wonder’s risotto to compare it to hers and show her just how much she sucks.
Uhh, the both look green to me.
Sabrina however is befuddled because she thought it tasted good but it has just occurred to her that it’s Chef’s way or no way. Dude……….she is smart! She tries it again and this time he likes it but continues to rag her as only Ramsay can. I love him so.
Over on the Blue Team everyone is waiting on Corpseface’s crepes. Hang on, I have to laugh. Ok so here’s Corpseface’s crepe………..
Sometimes words are just not necessary.
Hahahahha Ramsay’s first words of course are “What the fuck Is THAT?” Ramsay yells and screams about self esteem and throws shit and basically makes me feel much better about the day I’ve had. Cueball can’t figure out why Corpseface can’t get a crepe straight. Can anyone tell me what that sweaty bastard can get straight?
Corpseface yells that he needs 4 minutes for a crepe so finally Cueball takes over and manages to save the day with his crepes. Only problem is Ramsay gives the credit to Corpseface. Does Corpseface say anything? Yeah, he says thank you.
Uhh excuse me?
Over on the Red Team everything is moving smoothly. Everyone yells 1 minute to entrees. Everyone is in agreement. UNTIL Suzbland says “Uh wait guys, uh I’m gonn need about 6 minutes.” Throwing the kitchen into complete chaos. Then she claims its 8 minutes. Then says no 6. That girl need to be hit by a bus.
Ramsay shows up to yell out more orders and when Suzbland says she needs 5 minutes he wants to know why. She says “Uh I need 5 minutes.” Which in Bitchlish means “Fuck you, it’ll be done when it’s done.” Ramsay almost has a vein explosion right then and there and tells her smartass to explain why she needs that long. She blames the oven. He says some bleep bleep words and sends her on her way.
Over on the Blue kitchen Ramsay yells out an order and Corpseface is yelling for Dave, Cueball and Jesus to cook all his shit while he makes a crepe. Everything that Ramsay screams for One Armed Wonder seems to be the one cooking it. Suddenly Ramsay stops and yells at Dave “Don’t take this the wrong way but you’re ten thousand times the better cook with one hand.”
Dave’s one armed happy dance!
Yet again over on the Red Team Suzbland screws up and cuts the lamb too early throwing everything off. He calls her over and screams at her and tells her to get a grip!
Over on the Blue Kitchen Corpseface has found something he can handle. Ha!
I think most people prefer their salads without belly button lint.
Ramsay checks out the salads and its full of dressing. Ramsay asks him if he’s given up. He says no Chef. Well hell I’d hate to see what it looks like when he does. Corpseface tells Ramsay he’s having a problem with his dexterity. Ramsay reminds him that One Armed Wonder has been working for weeks WITH ONE FREAKIN ARM.
Over on the Red Team Suzbland makes another attempt at lamb. FAIL. Ramsay yells, screams has a fit. Next he yells for frog legs. Sabrina brings some dried up little stick looking things and Ramsay loses his shit again.
That’s just nasty whatever its missing.
He asks Sabrina where are the shallots and the garlic, and she says she didn’t want to put too much. In other words screw his recipe she wanted to do it her way. He reminds her it’s HIS way not hers.
Over on the Blue side Corpseface attempts to make a crepe and it looks like someone puked on the plate thingy. Seriously, it’s nasty. Everyone is running around trying to take up the slack and Ramsay sees it. Ramsay has finally had enough and tells him to fuck off and go upstairs.
Ramsay needs to learn to use his words. Sniff sniff.
Ramsay yells at the rest to concentrate or piss off. He runs to the Red side and has lamb and screams for the women to touch it.
All of you, touch my meat! TOUCH IT!
After a thorough fit he now throws Suzbland and Sabrina the hell out. WhoopiG thinks he’s shutting them down but nope. He expects them to finish. He puts Ariel on fish and garnish and WhoopiG on meat. With Heather helping it finally starts going smoothly. Same thing over on the Blue Team without their dead weight. And they actually managed to finish service.
Ramsay gives them all a good talking to. He says it has never happened in Hell’s Kitchen that they finish a service down 3 chefs. So he tells them forget Red and Blue, come together and pick 2 people to be nominated.
At one point they try to come up with a dastardly plan to use a pawn to get rid of Suzbland because they know if Corpseface goes up, he’s out. Ultimately once in front of Ramsay Ariel announces that Suzbland is nominated because she sux ass and Corpseface for the same reason.
Suzbland attempts to defend herself but Ramsay wants to know from WhoopiG if they are better without this bag of slag. She says hell yeah. Corpseface yet again tries to blame his injury for his suckiness but Ramsay ain’t buying.
Finally Ramsay says, the person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is Corpseface! He tells him he has a big heart and blah blah blah. Go away.
Then Ramsay says he’s not done yet and calls Sabrina down. He tells them he wants the old Sabrina and Suzbland back but he thinks it’s too late. And he tells Suzbland to bring him her jacket and before I can let out my squeal of happiness he tells her she is now on the Blue Team.
He tells Sabrina to get her shit together and tells Suzbland she better start rising. And I think he needs to quit drinking because that bitch should have gone home with Corpseface. Oh yeah as for him…..
This week there will be two episodes shown back to back lovies so don’t forget to set your DVR’s.
Until next time,
Love and smooches!