This week on Hell’s Kitchen……There’s a shucking good time to be had by all, except for Chef Ramsey.
I’m a liar, because before we get started on this week’s episode, I want to send out a big thank you to all of you that helped me with my Seth issue last week. The suggestions that you all came up with were awesome, and had me shouting “Yes!!” saying “Hmm.” And in some cases, going
And NOW, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…….
We continue as we usually do, with the contestants heading off to go upstairs and rehash the evening’s events. Seth tells his team: “Sorry boys, but you’re stuck with me.” With a little shit eating grin on his face. What a douche.
Then J pops up onto my TV to tell me that J’s upset to have to spend another day with Seth, which, no. Please don’t talk about yourself in the third person. PottyMouth no likey. He goes on to say that Seth is a waste of life, and that he doesn’t have the skills, heart or desire to make it in this competition. Mighty big talk from a food court chef. How much skill DOES it take to toss a salad anyway?
EeeeeW, nooooo. I didn’t mean THAT. You are so guh-ross.
Meanwhile, Coi is apologizing to PrettyGirl for going off on her, even though it was TOTALLY deserved. PrettyGirl whines about her lack of experience, and Coi calls her out on giving up on the team. I’m sure she’s totally learned her lesson and will NEVER do that again, right?
LA chimes in to tell PrettyGirl you have to have confidence in yourself, if you want your team to have confidence in you. It’s like hearing my mom lecture me. Um, that is, if my mom was a semi-attractive lesbian line cook. Shut up, mom.
PrettyGirl doesn’t know if she’s the weakest link at this point. But she doesn’t want to go home.
This is soooo much haaarder than I thoooouuuught it would beeeee.
It’s 2:53 am and all the little cheffies are snuggling up in their beds to go nighty night. C&A tells us everyone is looking forward to a good night’s sleep. But, since we have seen previous seasons of this show, we all know, that ain’t gonna happen.
5:49 am – C&A: “But Hell’s Kitchen marches to the beat of a different drummer.” Sooo punny when you actually have DRUMMERS to wake up the contestants. Oh, you are so witty, C&A. Of course, Scott and Gloria are there to yell at them also.
The gang is ultra thrilled to have gotten so much sleep. LA says she actually didn’t even see a band; she heard the “ting ting” (WTF?!?) of the drummers, but how many fucking people were there?
UH, yeah. Three people? Not so much a band.
Gloria yells at Robert: “Can you run?” His answer? “No way. If you don’t want me to trip and fall on ya and squish ya.” Bwaa ha ha ha.
Take your time.
Out in the parking lot are piles of red and blue garbage bags. Inside the bags? All the waste from last night. Ramsey chastises them, telling them he had expected so much more from them, but they disappointed him. Chef, I’m pretty sure I told you last week that you should get used to disappointment. No one listens to me!
Normally he would make them sort through the trash, but they don’t have time. Thank God. I don’t think my stomach could handle that right now. As I breathe a sigh of relief, I get a glimpse of this:
Uh, I’m not feeling so good y’all.
Ramsey tells them that they just received two crates of fresh scallops. Each team will have to get their scallops out of the crates and into their buckets. This is supposed to teach them about respecting the product. He doesn’t want to see even one OUNCE of waste.
Does anyone work at a high end seafood restaurant? Do scallops really arrive in crates full of water and seaweed? Inquiring minds want to know.
And off they go.
Ben would rather dig through garbage. Apparently the scallops smell really putrid. Ramsey appears to agree. Either that, or Robert cut a big one. Ramsey warns them not to fall in. Cue Colon diving right into the ladies’ crate.
Last one in is a rotten egg!!
Colon, swim on your own time. Now get those scallops into the kitchen!!
Challenge time. This one is all about scallops. Shocking, I know. Who-da thunk it? Ramsey demonstrates the proper technique for shucking and cleaning a scallop. The ladies have eight people to the men’s seven, so Ramsey tells Andrea to sit this one out. They have fifteen minutes.
They seem to be having a tough time with this one. Ramsey wants to know has anyone done this before? “No, chef.” “Un-shucking believable.” Heh.
Let’s see how the ladies did. Carol’s up first. Eight out of eight. Paula only gets one out of ten. Uh oh. Coi adds another six, so on and so forth down the line until we get to PrettyGirl. We are currently at 32. Let’s see how she did.
Did I do that?
Don’t forget my Pretty Points.
Ramsey says “Why do you look so surprised when you created shit like that?”
She ends up getting three out of six, bringing the women to a total of 35. Can the guys beat that?
Ben is up first, and his first scallop is gashed. Then Ramsey holds up a teeny tiny one wanting to know where the rest of it is. Ben’s reply? “I think that was a really small one chef.” HAHA. Good try. He only gets three out of eleven. Ouch. Danny’s up next with nine out of ten. Giovanni? Thirteen out of fifteen. Wow. That’s pretty impressive. Robert does okay, and Charlie only gets two. With only Seth and J left, the men are trailing by three.
Seth brings them to a tie. J just needs one scallop to bring his team to victory. Can he do it?? He has shucked a total of six, and they are really, really bad. I guess they don’t serve scallops at the mall. We go to commercial with five of his six declared crap. What will the verdict be on the last scallop? It’s all sooooooo suspenseful!!
America, I don’t understand you.
Have they ever had a challenge that ended up tied on this show? I’m too lazy to try to find out. Homework assignment everyone!!
Shockingly, J’s last scallop is in, so the guys win. Their prize is a trip to one of the most sought after island destinations in California – Alcatraz? Nope. Catalina. I know nothing about Catalina. Every time I hear the word Catalina, I think of the character on My Name is Earl. Which, come to think of it, would be a pretty sweet destination for these guys.
Tomorrow night, for the first time EVAH in Hell’s Kitchen, they are going to feature a raw bar. YUM. The ladies’ punishment is to spend all day prepping the raw bar. That is harsh. And slimy. And smelly.
Both teams head upstairs. The guys to get ready for their trip, the girls to get dressed for their day in the kitchen. And hopefully to shower. Or maybe they should wait til later. I dunno. I think I would definitely be wanting to take a shower at that point.
PrettyGirl doesn’t have time to think about showering. She is too busy throwing herself into bed so she can go boo hoo hoo.
Ji comes in to talk to her, but she just keeps on boo hoo hooing all over the place. Ji says they need her 100%. I say I need her too. What would I do without her pretty face to look at? Aww, now I want to cry. Sniff sniff.
Ji is actually really good people. She seems to be the only one even interested in talking or trying to help PrettyGirl. “I just think you guys would be better off without me.” PrettyGirl whines.
Wah Wah Wah – Someone please feel sorry for me.
Now she’s telling us she shouldn’t even be there, and she doesn’t even care. So go home, asshole. Except she doesn’t want to disappoint her family. Or her fiancÃ©. Whaaaaaaa?????? Someone is going to marry this whiny biatch? Invest in ear plugs dude!!
Robert gets a call from Ramsey to come down to his office. And he’s “Oh fuck, here we go.” And I’m like “Oh FUCK, what did he do? Please don’t kick him off the show!!!”
Ramsey basically tells him you’re a big fattie and the helicopter would crash with all of us in it if we let you on it. And I refuse to die like that. Good one chef. It never crossed my mind for a second that they wouldn’t let him on the helicopter. Poor Robert.
Robert says society gives him a lot of crap about his size, and he felt like this was another example of that. Which I can understand, to a point. I mean, dude, you’re 400 pounds. This isn’t a discrimination issue so much as it’s a maximum capacity issue.
Ramsey still wants him to come though. He’ll just have to take the ferry and meet all of them there. That cheers Robert up, which cheers me up.
I like to see Robert happy, I don’t know why. For some weird reason, I immediately liked the guy. He seems sweet. Hopefully he won’t turn out to be a raging asshole. Ramsey sends him on his way to finish getting ready.
OH! And! Look behind Robert in the photo. It looks like Ramsey’s “office” is where the chef’s jackets go to die.
The ladies are heading downstairs. Carol basically tells PrettyGirl she should get up and get her act together. But now, PrettyGirl doesn’t feel good. Give me a fucking break. Carol reads my mind and goes on to say “Everyone’s been babying your ass all morning.” PrettyGirl’s all: “You really wanna start something with me?” Carol’s not scurred. “Good riddance.” Oh. SNAP.
Down in the kitchen. Gloria wants them to save the scallop shells. But where is PrettyGirl, she asks? Carol answers: “We’re a stronger team without her, Chef.” Ha. I am liking Carol right now.
As the women start their punishment, PrettyGirl is back in bed, blowing her nose, and then LOOKING AT IT!!!!!!! EWWWW.
The men are starting the fun of their reward, flying in the helicopter to Catalina. Except for Robert. He is on the ferry. The guys get to the island, and board one of those boats that has a glass bottom, or panels, you know, the ones where you can observe the fishies swimming in the ocean. I wonder if Robert is having this much fun?
C&A: “It’s three hours into the red team’s punishment and PrettyGirl is still in bed, leaving her teammates a little sour.” And we cut to them squeezing lemons and limes. Oh, C&A, you have done it again.
Back to the guys. Ben offers to trade seats with Seth so that he can sit next to Ramsey. “He’s done a lot of homework on you.”
“Happy Birthday tomorrow.” Ramsey’s like “Oh fuck”. At least Seth admits he’s a little brown noser. Ramsey starts to grill him. “Where was I born?” “Glasgow.” “What was the name of my last book?” “Humble Pie.” Good way to get some free advertising there, Chef. “How many children do I have?” “Four. I don’t want to tell you their names.” And he does know the names, AND what kind of cars Ramsey drives, AND which one his wife bought him. Whoa.
J thinks Seth is coming acrost as a stalker and weirdo. I think J is coming acrost as an idiot. Giovanni thinks it’s really weird for one dude to know so much about another dude. If he was the chef, he’d be a little scared. I think Ramsey is a little scared. He moves down to the other end of the boat telling Seth he has to stay where he is.
Before you go! Can I have a lock of your hair for my scrapbook??
C&A, whatcha got for us? “It’s six hours into the red team’s punishment, and PrettyGirl is starting to feel a little better.” She tells us she is not giving up, she’s here to compete and to cook, and she can’t just go home.
I am going to quit quitting because I am NOT a quitter. I quit that.
She goes sauntering into the kitchen with a “Sorry I’m late.” Ok, WHAT THE FUCK?!? Seriously? She just walked in there like she was five or ten minutes late instead of SIX FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!! I swear, I thought I was going to break my TV when this happened, I was looking for something to throw at it, but luckily all I had handy was a sock.
Ok. I would like to know on what fucking planet six hours is considered late. Someone. Please. In my world, six hours means you’ve taken the day off. If I walked into my job six hours late, my boss would tell me to fuck off and go home. Oh my freaking God. I am so hot about this y’all. Kick her ass out of the kitchen!!!!!!
Back on Catalina, Robert is finally arriving. And feels compelled to us he will be running down the beach like Bo Derek. Robert. I like you and all, but please don’t put those kind of images in my head. I need to be able to sleep later.
Basically, it has taken Robert so long to get there that now they are all getting BACK on the ferry to return to Hell’s Kitchen. But we all had a great time! Wish you had been here! Robert’s all: “What the fuck did I win? A free fucking ferry ride? FUUUUCK.” That does suck.
The sun goes down, the sun comes up. C&A tells us it’s a whole new day in Hell’s Kitchen, bringing with it a whole new PrettyGirl. Whatev. She runs around the kitchen trying to have a better attitude and chip in and help, but I am so over her right now, I can’t even tell you. It’s just too soon for me to forgive. Maybe someday.
And then. Ji slips. A replay of the slip doesn’t help. You can’t really tell what happened. LA speculates that maybe she slipped on water or oil. It looked like LA was mopping the floor in that area, but I don’t want to point any fingers. No. Really, I don’t.
Anyway, Ji is hurt. She goes back to see the medic, and it is obviously that she is in some serious pain. You can tell that she is both heartbroken about being hurt, and in some major pain.
Back from commercial, Ji has rejoined her team in the kitchen. But she is still in a lot of pain. Chef Ramsey gathers them up for the pre-service pep talk/station assignment.
He tells us again that the for first time EVAH, there will be a raw bar. Every customer coming in will get a nice welcoming appetizer. Um, what about people that don’t like raw bar? I mean, I love it, so I’d be asking for seconds, thirds and fourths, but what about people that don’t like shellfish? Or are allergic to it? “Sorry but Chef Ramsey said everyone had to eat it. Please to enjoy.”
Really, the raw bar is there to help the kitchen and give them more time to get the food out. So, who will be working the raw bar?
He is just about to make his announcement when Ji raises her hand. Now, this is where you can tell that Ramsey likes her, because he doesn’t totally lose his shit when she interrupts him. Ji makes him aware of her injury, which is pretty smart when you think about it. Ramsey asks if she’s alright, and she basically tells him she wants to try and make it through service. Chef would like her to as well. Awww, see? I knew he liked her.
On to the assignments. Raw bar for the girls is Paula. For the guys? Robert. He is all “I’m a fat guy, I won’t fit through the tables, blah blah fatcakes.” And Robert, I like you, but you can’t cry discrimination when it’s something you like, and cry “Hey! I’m fat” when it’s something you don’t like. Please don’t make me slap you.
JP, open Hell’s Kitchen.
As the first orders go into the kitchens, JP checks on Robert and Paula to see if they have everything they need. Yes, they do. He notes that Robert is sweating a bit, no? DUH, says Robert, I’m a big fat fattie – didn’t you know that’s the theme this week?
Where’s the risotto? Carol burned the garlic and has to make it again. When she finally brings it up to the pass, it is not up to par. Apparently it is sticking to the pan. BUT when Ramsey demonstrates how it doesn’t come out, some of it totally does and gobs him in the face. Priceless.
Let’s check in on the men. Charlie’s risotto is undercooked. Moreover, he is missing cream, missing mascarpone cream cheese, no seasoning, more ham….what is going on? “I’ve never made this before.” I don’t think Ramsey is quite buying it. But he sends Ben over to school Charlie in the fine art of risotto-making.
Robert serves raw bar. People like him. He has a Koi tattoo. Back to the kitchen!!
Colon is fucking around with her pans of scallops, but leaving them sitting in the pans continuing to cook when they are already cooked. Oh boy. Ramsey is not happy. “They’re going to be overcooked, you stupid cow.”
Colon is literally biting her tongue, which is really the only semi-intelligent thing you can do at this point. He wants to know who cooked the scallops last service. Ugh, it was PrettyGirl. He sends her over to tutor Colon. But PrettyGirl won’t charge her $300. Oh, he has SUCH a bug up his ass about that.
Ramsey asks Ji about her ankle, does it hurt? Yes, Chef. “Yeah, so’s my fucking head. It’s throbbing.” Aw, poor baby.
Take two of these and come see me later.
Let’s see if Ben’s risotto can help ease the pain. Ramsey deems it delicious. Ben: “Good for me, I don’t need a pat on the back.” And he then proceeds to pat himself on the back.
How are those scallops coming along PrettyGirl? See the difference Colon? Did she charge you? See? BUG. Up. His. Rear.
Back to the boys. Seth and Charlie deliver their spaghetti lobster. One problem. There is no lobster in it. Charlie’s excuse? “We’re stupid, chef.” LoL. Ramsey asks Seth what the dish is called and Seth stands there like Durrrrrrrrrrrrrr. SPAGHETTI LOBSTER!!
And back to the women. They’re just bringing entrees up to the pass. He calls the whole team up, which is never a good sign. They are missing the John Dory. Oh! And. The salmon is not only charred on the outside, but Raw on the inside. Guess who cooked it?
This sets off food throwing, garbage kicking and mucho cursing from Chef Ramsey. And he’s not done yet. “You’re not a cooking school teacher, are you? You’re joking aren’t you?” Colon is not joking. He’s saying please, please tell me you made it up to make yourself look better.
She’s not making it up Chef, she has a business, just like you. THAT sets him off again. And here’s the part we saw last week in the previews….”You’re robbing people! You’re a thief!!!!! I’m concerned for the poor bastards who you’ve taken money off of.”
I’m thinking she might see a decrease in enrollment after this.
Now she’s letting more fish burn, I think she wants to see if she can give him a stroke. Colon’s actually getting a little feisty here. Not a good idea. We go to commercial with Ramsey yelling at her to get out. But what does he mean?
My new wallpaper.
We’re back. Ramsey kicks Colon out of the kitchen to go work the raw bar. That actually works out better than I thought. I was convinced he was going to just kick her out. Forevah. PrettyGirl is told to take over the fish station.
Colon tells us He Will Not Break Me!!!!! He can ask me to leave, he can kick me out of the kitchen, he can do all those things, but he’s not gonna break me.
Ain’t nothing gonna break my stride, nobody’s gonna slow me down, oh no!
It’s been a while since we’ve visited with the men. How are they doing? Danny brings his lamb up to the pass. Ramsey tells him it’s nicely cooked. Danny likes the way nice talk makes him feel. Ramsey and Scott discuss the greatness of Danny’s meat. I throw up a little in my mouth. I don’t want to even think about Danny’s meat. Ugh, there I go again.
Over in the ladies’ kitchen, one of the girls asks Ji how she’s feeling. She does not want to talk about it. She’s mentally removed herself from the pain, so could you please stop talking about it? Thanks. Jackass.
Back to the men. Giovanni delivers salmon to the pass. And Ramsey calls everyone over. Ruh roh. Ramsey says Danny’s cooking his ass off surrounded by five muppets. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I personally have been thinking that Giovanni looks like Crazy Harry, so I am peeing myself right now.
It’s the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, muppetational this is what we call the Blue Kitchen!!
We establish that no one would eat the fish Giovanni has delivered. Giovanni doesn’t like that Ramsey was two inches from his face while yelling at him. Has he never watched this show? Get used to it. Get over it.
C&A: “Despite Giovanni’s slowing down his team, the high quality of these chefs is showing as both kitchens are close to completing their dinner service.” Holy crap!! Will they actually finish service on their second try? Ramsey does a quick gather round to announce that whichever kitchen finishes their remaining orders first, will win. The men have four tables left, the women, five. On your mark, get set, GO!!
Much running around and chaos ensues. We see the countdown tallies as they get closer and closer to finishing. The men talk a lot of smack. Both kitchen are down to one ticket each……Carol is freaking out. She’s not ready, she needs three more minutes. And…they lose. Thanks Carol. Way to bone it at the end.
Ben is telling us that they kicked the women’s asses every which way to Wednesday, which, uh, no. You did not. An ass kicking would not have been so close. Please don’t make me come over there and kick YOUR ass.
After Ramsey breaks the news to the girls, Ji hobbles to the back room to put her foot up and get some ice. The women are all impressed with Ji’s performance, but she feels like she’s a burden to the team. They do not agree.
Back in the kitchen, Chef Ramsey give props to our girl Ji. Obviously she was in a lot of pain, but she didn’t give up. “I think quite a few in this room this evening would have given up.” Hmmmmm? I wonder?
He calls out Colon again using the “those that can’t do, teach” argument. Shocker, she disagrees. “Chef, I know how to cook fish. You made me nervous, I started doing things I don’t normally do, and you have every right to be angry with me for wasting the fish.”
LA wishes Colon would stop talking out of her ass (heh) and just shut the fuck up.
Every time Ramsey looks at her he thinks “headache”. Every time I look at her I think hehehehehehehehe. Potato, Potahto.
Ladies, you know the drill. Two nominees, please. Gentlemen, piss off.
Hmmm, I wonder who will be nominated? Ji goes back to the medic while her team deliberates. Colon knows there’s no way she’s getting out of going up. PrettyGirl tells them that she doesn’t want to be up.
While she did help out Colon, Carol doesn’t feel she will be fit to run a kitchen. This from the girl that choked at the end of the night. Oh, and at the beginning of the night.
PrettyGirl thinks that it’s not fair because she doesn’t have the same experience as all of them. Carol: “You know what’s not fair? Yesterday you took your fucking ass to the bed and you slept all fucking day. And you cried like a fucking baby, all day long.” Word, Carol. And I really hope that doesn’t come back to bite you later. Okay, I DO hope that comes back to bite you later.
PrettyGirl, any response to that?
IT’S NOT FAYAR.
As they enter the dining room for nominations, Ji is now in a wheelchair. That can’t be good. It seems like she gets jolted or something as Andrea wheels her in. And obviously THAT doesn’t make her feel any better.
LA, who are your nominees, and why?
First nominee is Colon. Just because she wasn’t really calling back and listening well, and she gives you a headache. “A fucking BIG one.” Ramsey clarifies. Second nominee is PrettyGirl because she makes all the rest of us seem so ugly in comparison. Oh sorry, apparently it’s her lack of confidence.
Why are they not mentioning her fucking bailing from the punishment the day before?? HELLO-oooo??!!!?? That is crap.
Ok, step forward, tell me why you should stay in Hell’s Kitchen.
Du-uh, because I’m Pretty.
Uuhhhh, I’m not shitty?
Colon, are you better than PrettyGirl? I am 100% better. PrettyGirl’s all : “Uh, I had to take over her station.” I’m like: “Why is no one saying ANYTHING about her six hour fucking nap??!!??” Sorry, I just can’t believe this shit!
Colon starts flapping her gums again, and really, I think she needs to learn when to shut it. She is giving Ramsey a headache. Again. Or more.
Montage o’suck. The decision is……………uh, chef?
Ji? Ramsey asks if she’s ok.
“Chef, umm, it’s an honor to work with you, in your kitchen, Chef, but I’d like to volunteer. I feel that I’m half a manpower in your kitchen, Chef.”
Andrea thinks Ji at half power is better than the other two put together, but Ji wants the women to win, so she thinks she should go home. I was pulling for her to go to the end. Seriously, y’all, she is making me tear up here.
Ramsey sends Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum back in line, and goes to talk to Ji. He thinks she’s phenomenal, but he is totally supportive of her decision to leave. And he is totally letting her keep her jacket!!! “As a symbol of courage, pride. Because you’ve done bloody well.” Aww. This is fucking me up here. I’m not supposed to be crying at Hell’s Kitchen for fuck’s sake!!!!
As she leaves, the men give her a standing ovation. Ramsey holds her up as an example of courage to the rest of the chefs.
Next week, no Hell’s Kitchen. The NAACP Image Awards are on instead. Can someone please explain to me how or why Dakota Fanning is nominated? I’m confused.
In two weeks on Hell’s Kitchen…..More bitching, some barfing, and what looks like plenty of boo hoo hoo-ing. FUN. Just another day on the line.
God I hope I get it, I hope I get it.
Until next time, sod off, will ya?