When last we left Hell’s Kitchen Jarhead Blow was losing his shit. Much to my delight. Gee I wonder what happens next?
Do yoos have a tissue cause my sniveling ass is about to cry.
So to back up a bit, they all sucked. Gordon “SHUT IT DOWN!” and the had each two teams pick who the thought were the suckiest and should be up for elimination. Simple yes? NO! The Red Team easily choose WhoopiG and Lovely. Lovely cause she sux and WhoopiG because she tried to kill a preggo with raw shrimp. Unfortunately he also asks Jarhead who he thinks sucked ass on his team.
Dey kan speeks fo dem selves Chef.
That’s when Chef loses it and basically tells him to give him two names or he sleeps wid da fishes. Only he said it nice. Jarhead Blow rats out two people but blames it all on them as a group. Again Ramsey repeats his question, implying that Jarhead Blow might be a bit stupid in the process. Jarhead say Tony knows why and they all decided together cause they are men……hahahahahaaha! Chef Ramsey asks “What ya want a fucking medal?” Jarhead’s head is getting mighty bright at this point. After more back and forth Jarhead finally loses it altogether and shouts “I ain’t no fucking bitch! Blah blah blah…to which Ramsey goes……..What? Then Jarhead Blowfish throws his jacket off and stomps over to Ramsey and gets in his face.
For fucksake man, suck an Altoid!
Ramsey lets him know about what he thinks about his antics in front of the camera and basically tells him to get the hell out. And that he has no respect. Jarhead’s response “Fuck yoos. Yoos a bitch.” See ya asshole.
Coming soon to a Wanted poster near you.
After that nasty little business is over, Ramsey gets right back to work. Lovely and WhoopiG are up for elimination. Ramsey, since the men in little white coats have toted off Jarhead, turns to Jeff and asks him who he nominates and why? Jeff nominates Tony and Andy. He tells all four to step down and splain themselves. After a lot of blah blah Ramsey decides it’s time for Tony to go.
Well at least I still have my Mom’s basement to live in.
Robert then gets sent back to the Blue Team and they are told to get some sleep. Instead everyone is laughing their asses of at what Jarhead Blow just did. And then it’s nighty night time.
Lullaby and goodnight, your ass is about to get pun’k……..
Suddenly all hell breaks loose and everyone is screaming to get out and there are fire trucks everywhere. And outside right in the middle of it all?
Gordon is behind one of the trucks laughing his British ass off.
Finally he shows his face and tells them all it was just a drill and a wake up call. He tells them there are no better men and women than fire fighters to show them how to be a team and cooperate. And for their next challenge they will be feeding all these hungry folks. Starting now.
The menu for tonight is garlic bread, chicken alfredo, and meatball marinara.
Now my ass is hungry! Whichever Team finishes servicing their side first wins. Uhh Gordon, ya might want to make clear what you mean by “servicing” these guys cause Tequila Girl might get the wrong idea.
I been practicing my “servicing skills” with a Tequila bottle for years an years an years……hee hee.
So off to the kitchen they run. Everyone is pumped and ready to go. Heather makes it clear that the garlic bread needs to go out first. Lovely says no prob, she’s got it. Gordon calls in the first tickets but before those can be cooked or go out, yet again, they need garlic bread. Ramsey yells at Lovely but she doesn’t hear him. Must be napping. She then claims to us that this morning shit ain’t really working for her. She also tells us she hasn’t peed, washed her face or brushed her teeth yet. Things I could have lived the rest of my life being totally and blissfully unaware of.
Over on the Blue Team Andy is on garlic bread. And using his immense wisdom, he decides to use 2 of the 5 ovens available. BRILLIANT! This is pissing McByPass off no end.
You got 5 ovens and no food in three of them? Dude, I’m having chest pains!
20 minutes in and no one has been served and Ramsey is getting pissy. Lovely claims she is checking the bread right now. Lovely sticks in back into the oven claiming its not crispy enough and Ariel says screw that shit and takes over. Garlic bread is served.
Damn dudes calm down, its bread. Wait it does have butter on it, carry on.
Over on the Blue side yet again its GarlicBreadGate! Andy can’t seem to cook a piece of it to save his life and everyone is yelling at his ass. Finally it’s ready and goes out.
On to entrees. In the Red kitchen the women look good for about 2 seconds. Then Ramsey notices the portion sizes.
For fucksake you stupid cows, Lindsey Lohan eats more than this!
Finally both kitchens are on a roll. Pasta flying everywhere. It’s all good. Blue Team has 6 tickets to fill, Red Team has only 4. Oooh how will this end? Everyone is shouting “Push it push it push it!” and I keep expecting the Octuplet Mom to make an appearance.
Uh and then there’s a problem.
I like pink balls…..oh sorry, different kind of ball.
That was the Red Teams screw up. The Blue Team is hopeful that they have a chance now. Everyone is screaming and running around but Red Team pulls it off and finishes service first.
After congratulations all around to the men and women who risk their lives to save us ordinary folks. Then Gordon announces to the Red Team that they will be going to a spa. A spa that is far far away. So far they will need a chopper to fly them there! Screams abound!
Meanwhile the Blue Team look like this.
After Lovely does a little happy dance for the cameras, Gordon gets back to telling the sad sack Blue Team their punishment. They will be cleaning, and I mean CLEANING the very firetrucks that the dudes they just fed drove up in. Ramsey says, “You hose them down,polish them off with a wax, and then Andy I want you to be able to see your ugly mug in its reflection before you leave it.”
But Chef…do you really think I’m ugly?
After they finish cleaning the trucks they will then clean the dining room. Yay. It’s scrub a dud dub time. As the boys are busting their butts, the girls come out to rag them just a little. Jim’s response?
“Don’t be afraid to ask them to peel that hair off your upper lip either.”
I’m really starting to like his ass. Meanwhile the girls are off to the helicopter ride wishing bad things on the boys when wouldn’t ya know it, bad shit starts happening to the boys. Dave gets his hand stuck and yanks it out. Hurting his wrist. He keeps quiet about it though. Back at the spa the girls are happy and drunk and still nannynannyboobooing the boys.
Where do ya think that mask came from she’s rubbing on your face huh?
Oh look, JP is getting still more airtime. He comes out to tell the boys to follow him. As they are walking up the stairs, Kevin twist the shit out of not one, but both ankles. I’ve done this before. Of course I was drunk at the time and chasing my ex boyfriend with a hatchet….anyway my point is, that shit HURTS!
Medics are called in and by this time Dave’s wrist has also begun to swell so they have a look see at him too. Off both go to get xrays leaving the other slubs to do the clean up.
Dude, I can still use if to whack off so I can still cook.
Dave has a torn FCR? and slight fracture of the wrist.
Kevin’s diagnosis, extremely stretched ligaments on one ankle causeing him to wear what I call the RoboBoot. I’ve had to do it 3 times. On his second ankle it’s a severe sprain so they put an air cast on it. Neither dude is willing to quit and wants to keep working.
Next morning as Ramsey gives his usual pep talk he asks how the walking wounded are and they both claim to be fine. Then he announces that one member from each team will be waiters tonight. Dave’s hand goes up immediately. Ramsey agrees and nicknames him “The One Armed Bandidt.” Haha good one. For the Red Team no one volunteers so Ramsey chooses Lovely. Excuse me while I snicker at that.
“I’m like the Energizer Bunny Chef, if he was like slow and lazy and shit. Is it time for my break yet?”
And Hell’s Kitchen is open y’all! So far so good. LOL. Orders are being shouted out. Van tries to take control on the men’s team. McByPass tells us “That dude is a straight up thug. He’s like a pitbull on a chain.” Van’s screeching pisses Ramsey off and he tells him all he’s doing his confusing people and threatens to fucking pummel him. Haha.
French fries, hotdogs, pickles, fried green tomatoes, 2 happy Meals…………
Ramsey may not like Van’s style but he loves his risotto. Ramsey is hopeful for the Blue Team and moves his dorsal fin on over to Tthe Red Team. WhoopiG is on scallops. Tek tries to tell her she’s using too much oil in the pan and to pour some off. WhoopiG ignores her. Until Gordon notices. And she has to start over.
I did that on purpose. I was just testing Ramsey to see if his old ass is still on his game.
Over on the Blue Team, McByPass is running so fast he almost busts his ass. Ramsey yells at him to slow that shit down. Andy and McBYPass can’t get the scallops right either. Ramsey jumps McByPass’ shit and tells him he put his ass on the line bringing him back and bleep bleep bleepity bleeep bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! In other words straighten the fuck up!
Bleep bleep piss off bleep bleep fuck off ya donkey!
Over on the Red Team, things seem to be going well. Except there are no scallops. Ramsey screams, WhoopiG brings him some colorless scallops giving Suzbland the chance to repeat that she was using too much freaking oil! So Then WhoopiG says fuck all I’ll just use this dirty ass pan and cook them some more. Ramsey does not like this. Everyone is screaming at WhoopiG to hurry up, don’t fuck up and then this happens.
Luckily no extensions were lost in the blaze.
Ramsey puts out the fire and tells her to get her head out of her ass and put some neosprin on them singed ass eyebrows of hers. Finally she gets her ass in gear and the women start making headway. The food is flying out of both kitchens and all looks great. Until we see this.
Dear Diary, I hate this job. I’m hungry and feets hurt. Love, Lovely.
JP comes running to find out what the hell she’s doing. Seems she screwed up some tickets and was trying to fix them. JP sends her to find some exoctic bottle of wine instead. Chef yells at her because it seems to have taken her 42 minutes to take one order. But he’s got bigger fish to fry. Seems he is in need of lamb chops. Nine of them. He ordered 3 sets of 3. Ya know what Tequila Girls thinks 3×3 is? That would be 6.
Ifs you drinks 3 bottles of tequila, you gets sicks..whas de probem?
All hell’s breaking loose on the Red Team due to Tequila Girls brain power and over on the Blue Team Kevin the Kripple is working his ass off. Ariel is taking over on the Red Team and it looks like its gonna be a close one. (Like it’s not every week)
Due to McByPass forgetting the salmon, the girls are able to catch up and win by a hair. Which is kind of a gross the to say when speaking of food. I apologize. Chooch told me to say it.
Anyhoo, the men are pissed, the women are happy and Gordon has some comment cards in his hands.
The cards say… “Piss off!”
Ramsey tells the Red Team they scored a sad 81% above average. The Blue Team scored 83% above average! The Blue Team wins. He tells them that clearly they can cook but it shouldn’t have to be that hard. He tells Ariel that she is the best of the worst and to go pick 2 of her teammates to nominate. Guess who she picks?
Y’all can all kiss my ass.
Damn just cause I almost burned down the damn restaurant.
So now Gordon gives them each a chance to beg. WhoopiG says she is one of the strongest on the team and blah blah blah. Lovely says she works well under pressure and she has passion. Gordon tells them that honestly he doesn’t think either one of them will win. And then I realized what was happening.
This dude just ain’t happy until he gives somebody the mudd butt.
He sends them both back in line after scaring the crap outta them and then explains that no one goes home because Jarhhead took himself out of the competition. Then he says this.
I’ve got one more thing to say to you,in fact to you all. I’m nobody’s bitch!” Hahahahahahahahaahhahaha!
As a parting shot he yells at Amanda (Tequila Girl). “Hey Amanda, 12 x 3. Her answer? “Nine Chef!” Ramsy says “Oh God!” And TG giggles and says 36 Chef!
Wanna do so shots with me up on the roof?
Ramsey tells us that WhoopiG and Lovely may think they dodged a bullet tonight but what he has in store for them next will have them running for the door. God I hope so.
Love and Smooches,