Hell’s Kitchen: It Ain’t Easy Being Lovely

Last time on Hell’s Kitchen, no one was sent home due to Jarhead’s psycho meltdown. This logic escapes Lovely however since she thinks it’s just because Chef has a thang for her. Man I love delusional people.

As usual, after the chefabes are sent to their rooms, they each blame the other for their extreme suckage. Vowing that someone is going down and it ain’t gonna be them. The next morning Ramsay and his face shows how much confidence he has in these losers.

Ramsay informs the McDonald’s rejects that he senses that folks just aren’t getting along. So he then proceeds to match up everyone who hates each other. WhoopiG & Suzbland, Van and Andy, McByPass & Jim, Ariel & Sabrina, Kevin & Dave, Lovely & Tek and Tequila girl gets to sit this one out.

Into the kitchen they go. And Ramsay asks who in this kitchen has never made sausage. Ramsay makes a comment to the men that they are clearly comfortable with their meat. McByPass giggles.

Ramsay then asks WhoopiG how she likes her sausage and witha a straight face says she doesn’t like sausage. Now some things are making sense. This too causes much laughter.

Ramsay asks VanDickforbrains what the secret of good sausage is and he says, “To hold it steady and pump it slow. Again causing fits of laughter. Ramsay explains that the perfect sausage is 6 inches (I beg to differ) and he’s gonna show them how it’s done. He gives them an example and then tells them the first team to fill their racks with 6 rows of perfect sausage wins. And he tells them to remember, size matters. Ok now I’m giggling.

Everybody starts grabbing meat and shoving it into its casings. The girls seem to be pulling ahead quickly. All the girls are working well together. Men get one. Girls are at 2. Then 3. DipVanDickhead is screaming his way thru it but manages to get a pair of sausage finished. In fact every couple has except Fatty McButterpants and Jim.

Dude, that looks like my cousins nut after he fell crotch first on the balance beam at school.

And women win!

The men are pissed the women are happy dance delirious. Ramsay splains to the no knowledge of sausage dudes that their punishment will be staying home and cleaning. Everything. The bedrooms, bathrooms, carpets. EVERYTHING. The women on the other hand will be treated to a sort of Octoberfest. Lots of beer and sausage and dudes dressed up like German…dudes. Meanwhile the men are whining about losing and why they lost and Fatty McByPass takes offense.

While the women are treated to a band of dudes wearing German garb and playing music for them, they climb aboard a bus full of beer while Ramsay waves goodbye lol. Remember when he used to go on these trips? Back at Stinky Manor, DipVansuckle is pissed because everyone in that house is nasty. And he don’t like cleaning nasty things. Which is why he never ever washes his sau……..nevermind.

Meanwhile JP is at Old World Village to greet the women and get them plastard and shove them full of sausage. Tee hee. Sorry there are so many South Park episodes a person can watch before everything they hear sounds dirty. Anywhoo, the woman are having a grand old time. And the next thing ya know, WhoopiG announces that she has decided that she does indeed like sausages. Laughter all around.

Back in Hell, McByPass is still pissed that they lost and blames it on Jim. Sous Chef Scott takes this opportunity to say to McByPass that it’s a shame all this passion couldn’t have shown up DURING the challenge. McByPass curses and yells and breaks his mop in half. He starts screaming about how he almost died for this shit last time. Uhhh…and? Having a royal hissy is supposed to do what, lower your greatly enlarged heart’s blood pressure?

Next day dawns and they chef’s are getting ready for tonight’s service. The women are in good spirits, probably because they are still drunk but the men seem to be falling apart. Jim tells us they have Dave and his wrist, Kevin and his ankles and McByPass with his morbid obesity. Well shit, with that attitude just quit now.

As Dave is trying to knead dough, Scott tells him he has a call up in the dorms. It’s his doc. They tell him he has a fracture and will have to be in a long arm cast for two weeks and he will not be able to move his thumb. He thinks about it, cries, mopes and then finally goes and talks to Ramsay.

Ramsay actually tells him it is entirely up to him but that the good news is that the fracture is on his weak arm. Dave decides to stay and give it his all. He’s not going to pass this up. Off he goes to get his cast. But he will be back.

Ramsay gathers the others to tell them he will need a server from each team to serve the guest amuse bouche. It’s a tiny little appetizer. Or a full meal for the Olsen Twins. He picks Ariel for the women and slow as dirt Jim for the men. This is Jim’s reaction.

And Hell’s Kitchen is open. And guess what we have stars! Sort of.

First Ariel and Jim have to make and serve the amuse bouche. I’m sorry but I ain’t eating nothing that sounds like when translated is “happy bush.” Shut it, that’s just how my mind works. Anyway Ariel is on the ball while Jim might as well be playing with his. He has two speeds, slow and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. And when he finally does make it out to the floor he won’t shut up. JP tries to give him a gentle hint.

In the meantime the Red Team is getting food out. WhoopiG’s risotto is great. However Tek’s capellini is being served to this guy. He tells JP it’s too salty and he felt like he went over to a cow and licked a salt lick.

Finally Tek gets it right so Ramsay moves over to torture the Blue Team. McByPass is doing well and so he heads back to the Red Team. And Lovely is screwing up big time. Sabrina jumps in and helps out. On the Blue Team Andy is screwing up all over the place. Gordon loses it, throws shit, ya know, the usual. Andy tries again but screws the lamb up again giving McByPass hyserical not mention LOUD fits! Finally Ramsay has to tell him to tone his shit down.

Over on the Red Team Lovely has no clue what she’s doing and when Ramsay asks her she mumbles something about carrots or frozen pizza rolls. Ramsay is about to smack her with his towel. Finally on the Blue side Andy gets the lamb right. Then Tom Green pretends to choke. Always funny in a restaurant. Lame.

More meat problems on the Red Team the Blue Team is falling apart and then Super Dave and his cast walk back in. He jumps right in and gets to work. There are 3 tickets left for each side. Everyone is screaming and running and tring to beat the clock. Then this dude loses his shit.

Andy brings the chicken up and wouldn’t ya know it? It’s raw. And this dude threatens to kill him with a spoon.

Finally the Blue Team get their heads out of their asses and win. Barely. As usual Ramsay calls them together to talk about what happened. Dingbat Suzbland decides now would be a good time to ask chef for a play by play as to why they lost.

Ramsay tells Sabrina she is the best of the worst and she does a dance like he told her she just won the lotto. Sabrina is to pick 2 people to put up. Much groveling from Tek and Lovely. And then they face Ramsay.

When asked why she chose Tek she said because she sux only in a nicer way.

Her second pick was lovely. Because she failed at the something or orther station tonight, He has the step forward and makes his usual speech. He wants to know when the last time she even sweated while workin. She says she can control that. Suddenly Ramsay say,”My decision is….Suzanne. You are not shy of an opinion, who do you think should go home?”

She doesn’t even hesitate to say Lovely. Ramsay agrees and tells her to step forward and hand him her jacket. Ramsay tells Tek to be careful because she is walking a tightrope with no net, He then tells them this next dinner service will be one of the most important ones they will ever be involed with. And to fuck off.

As Gordon hangs up Lovley’s coat he says if people were named for their cooking, her name would not be Lovely, it would be useless!!

Until next time lovies. Hug and smooches!
Cherie