Well, Gasmii, it’s that time again. Time to watch a yummy blonde man scream at incompetent adults for the seventh week in a row. This week on Hell’s Kitchen, the least hot woman EVER joins the women’s team. And the results are actually pretty surprising.
One of these things is not like the other…Sticking to the usual formula, Hell’s Kitchen opens with the culinary warriors leaving elimination to go smoke in the house and discuss recent occurrences. Cringing Matt is pissed, and per usual, his pissocity is written all over his face. He yells at Ben saying that he was hung out to dry. Matt tells Ben that he hides behind the General, and then he storms off to his room to sit in his closet and look at various ziplock bags full of random items. This ambiguous activity is then followed by lying in bed and talking to himself.
“I’ll fix you Mustache Ben! I’ll fix you!”
The girls say that if he thinks the guys are manipulative, then he has no idea what he’s in for. Corey says that they just got rid of their weakest player (Shayna), and now they have to put up with another weakling. She predicts that he’ll maybe last a day. In addition to Corey not having a future as a chef, she also has no future as a psychic. Confused? You’ll see…
In the morning, everyone meets Chef Ramsay in the kitchen for the day’s challenge. Chef asks Ben if he’s missing Matt and if Matt makes him nervous. The response is “no” on both accounts. Ben says they’re just glad he’s gone; they’re “sick of looking at his face.”
Why? What’s wrong with his face? I’ve never noticed.
Rams said that he got out of bed early to cook for them. He’s prepared three dishes to test their palates, but what the chefs don’t know is that each dish is made with imitation meat. They taste the chicken parmesan first, without knowing that the chicken is made of soy protein. He asks what ingredient is missing, and they all list various seasonings.
Next is beef stew that’s missing the beef and contains a soy based substitute. Petrozza notes that it has an odd texture, but can’t put his finger on it.
You know it must be appetizing because the bag tells us so.
Finally he presents a sausage ravioli. The weird announcer says, “The only ingredient missing from the sausage ravioli? Yeah, the sausage.” Sometimes I feel like the announcer is flirting with me. Anyway, everyone loves this dish and cannot detect the mystery meat.
Rams then breaks the news that there is no meat in any of the dishes. Matt quips that he thought the beef in the beef stew was cat. I’m hiding my little feline as we speak.
Rams is disgusted with all their palates. In my humble, non-medical opinion, I am going to place money and bet that their palates suck because they puff away on cigarettes as if they are going out of style. And smoking can dull or damage the tastebuds. In other news, Gordo makes Matt put on a red shirt, thus completing his transition to the ladies’ team.
Red is actually strangely becoming on him. It softens all those harsh angles.
Now it’s time for a blind taste test. Because the teams are uneven, Jen has to sit out the challenge and is crushed to have to sit on the sidelines.
Up first are Rosann and Petrozza. Each chef will attempt to identify three foods while wearing blindfolds and sound-proof headphones. The team with the most correct answers will win. They totally look like they are getting ready for a firing squad or something. And nothing says hilarity like bullet holes and blindfolds, so of course I’m cracking up.
“Rosann, what would you like on your Tombstone?” “Pepperoni and cheese.”
The first food is chicken. Rosann sucks on it for awhile, with it goofily hanging out of her mouth, before determining that it’s white meat pork. Wrong! Petrozza is correct with “dry ass chicken.” But Rosann correctly identifies sweet potato and nectarine, while Petrozza thinks it’s turnip and pineapple. Crazy smokers.
Next, neither Corey nor Toilet Brush correctly identify meatloaf or watercress. But Corey does get one point with turnip.
Third, neither Christina or the General can identify shrimp a.k.a. “poo vein delight.” But Christina correctly identifies radish and chopped truffle, pulling the women’s team further into the lead.
Now it’s time for silly season. Gordo gets all overdramatic as he lists off some of the world’s greatest rivalries – Yankees vs. Red Sox, Tyson vs. Holyfield, but now it’s time for Matt vs. Ben. Sure, Rams, totally the same thing. I’m sure that Cringing Matt and Mustache Ben have a place reserved for them in the history books right between the Civil War and the Magna Carta.
It’s the final round, and it’s set up a little different. Both Matt and Ben will taste something that Ramsay’s made. The dish is a basic clam chowder and has 10 ingredients. They will taste it and then alternating players, list the ingredients. Each correct ingredient scores one point. Ben tastes it, and then does this chicken cluck face. The score is currently 5-1 in favor of the ladies, so he has a lot of ground to make up.
Both players do freakishly well — better than I could have predicted. They tear through the ingredients, and I’m particularly surprised by Matt who holds his ground and keeps the ladies in the lead. The Red Team wins, and Matt is loving being with the women.
The Blue Team’s punishment is to thoroughly clean the dorms while the women will be enjoying a luxury spa on the patio, complete with massages, mani/pedis and facials. Ben mutters a totally rude remark about Jen, saying “yeah you need to fix that weave.” What a jerk. Even his “friend,” the General does little to acknowledge this. In the beginning of the season, I really liked Ben. I thought that he seemed smart and talented. But I like him less each week because he’s really gotten nasty and makes a lot of low blows.
The ladies and Matt run out to the patio in white robes, and with the wind and the jumping, I almost caught a glimpse of Corey’s cooter. I’m so glad that it didn’t turn out that way, though, because I’d love to keep my eyesight. They have champagne and enjoy their rewards.
It’s pretty amusing watching the men scrub, vacuum and clean. Most amusing is Petrozza, who attacks the bathroom. He says that the bathroom is covered in women’s hair and that someone must be losing a lot of hair. Yeah, it always seems that way because our hair is longer. One of our hairs equals ten man hairs. So it looks a whole lot worse. I shed all over my bathroom too. It’s hard to keep up with, really.
On the deck, Matt gets a chocolate mask, and says he wishes they had an eyebrow wax, because “this metrosexual’s gettin’ done up.” Metrosexual? I beg to differ. Yeah, he may prune those eyebrows back, but that’s about where the physical maintenance seems to end.
Metrosexuals can have rotten toenails, too.
As Matt’s getting pampered, he says he’s glad he switched teams. Jen says she’s happy to have him. And then he says “someone’s trash is someone’s treasure,” which totally makes me chuckle because it’s like “Sesame Street’s” golden rule or something equally childlike.
To pour salt on the men’s wound, Chef Scott calls the house and tells Ben that the girls are thirsty, so he needs to bring them iced tea. Ben is a facetiously good sport about it. Except that he tells a chocolate-covered Matt that he looks like an idiot. Even while dipped in chocolate, Matt is STILL the least delcious looking thing on this show. Or in the world.
Fun time is over, and the teams go prep for dinner service. Matt says that this is his chance to show the RamJam that the problem in the Blue Kitchen is not him. I’m actually quite interested to see how this all pans out.
Hell’s Kitchen is back to the fine dining menu and open for business. Ben is off to a rough start in the realm of communication. Rams reads off the orders and everyone answers but him. I don’t know if Ben is confused, hard of hearing or just a jerk, but he is instantly put on Gordo’s bad side.
Side note: Has anyone else noticed Toilet Brush’s stubble on his chinny-chin-chin? Perhaps he’s growing a little Brillo pad for those hard to reach toilet bowl areas.
Please don’t lose any of those in the food, Brushy!
In the Red Kitchen, Rosann is on appetizers and failing to deliver. Her first dish of scallops are only cooked on one side. And, you know, Matt is pretty nice to her about it too. He offers words of encouragement while Corey trash talks. Her next try is much better. As long as she can keep her mind not scatterbrained, she’s cool. But the second she gets flustered, there is no getting that train back on its tracks.
In the Blue Kitchen, T.B. and the Gen are working together on the scallop appetizers, and TB is moving pretty slow on the eggs. Rams gets angry at the General for firing the scallops before the eggs are ready, but the Gen just says that he’s a faster cook. Which is even more reason to wait to fire the scallops, am I right?
The Red Kitchen moves on to appetizers, and Jen is having some issues. She calls out an order to the kitchen, and Chef Yumsay tells her to never do it again. She tells us that he must be on his period because normally he wants people to be vocal. But now he’s getting mad at her for trying to be vocal and a leader. He says all she does is confuse people.
And after Jen got yelled at, she totally shuts down. She won’t talk or make eye contact with anyone. It’s like all the joy for cooking just got sapped right out of her. She has really grown on me more and more each week, but I guess that “resilience” is a word that is not in her dictionary.
In this very special episode, Jen’s personality falls off.
In the Blue Kitchen, TB makes a beautiful Caesar salad that impresses the Rams. He has thus redeemed himself from the slow cooking of the eggs.
Now Rosann. Rosann Rosann Rosann. This lady attracts more raw meat than John Mayer. Seriously. Why does she not know how to thoroughly cook animal flesh? Her chicken is raw, and Rams is PISSED. He calls everyone over to look at it, and then yells at Jen for giving up. He’s had enough of her moping and the chip on her shoulder. Jen says that she can’t win because he doesn’t want her to talk and then gets mad at her for not talking.
Gordo makes everyone touch the raw chicken and then throws it across the kitchen, hitting Matt. Matt, of course, cringes, and Gordo says, “Did it hurt? So sue me!” Chef yells in Rosann’s face, and Matt tries to help her. This begins Ramsay’s rampage and it charges forth like a full throttle steam engine for the rest of the show, picking up steam with every turn.
We love ya, Rosie. But you need to fuhgeddabout bein’ a chef!
Ben also made raw chicken! Ack! What is with this recurring theme!? Chef yells at all the men because no one is communicating or making eye contact. Ben says that he’s not used to the brigade system, and it takes time to get adapted to it. This guy really has some nerve, doesn’t he? Rams is beside himself. He tells Ben that he’s tired of the weak excuses and that he sounds like a weirdo from Dr. Phil. Matt observes from the Red Kitchen and just eats it up with a spoon.
Matt, talking to himself, says “What’s a matter, Ben? I’m not there anymore?” It’s weird how much Matt talks to himself, isn’t it? I think it calls for a hearty bit of concern, actually. Perhaps he’s the one who should go on Dr. Phil. Either that or “Paranormal State.” He might need to be exorcised.
“Captain Howdy told me to make the risotto.”
Two hours into dinner service, the men are totally falling apart. The women, on the other hand, are picking up. They communicate incredibly well, and Matt is actually pulling his weight — all 280 pounds of it! He listens; he’s polite, and he’s helpful. Christina did a good job on the beef and is very proud of herself. Chef interrupts her gloating, telling her not to start “peeing in her fucking knickers” and just concentrate. Definitely one of Gordo’s best one-liners! We must compile a book of these!
More than half of the red diners are having their entrees. The Blue diners, though, have nothing and are eating random food. It’s unclear where this random food comes from, but I’d like to imagine that it’s whatever they can find in their purses. Sometimes if I dig hard enough, I can find a half-eaten, partially melted candy bar in mine. It’s stuff like that that would allow me to survive a few extra days if I ever got lost in the woods. Or stranded on an island.
“I’m actually nibbling on bread that I found between the cushions of the couch.”
Meanwhile, Matt makes the best risotto of the night, and he totally freaks out. He’s so excited that he eats it right out of the pan and begs Christina to taste it. Not wanting any of his cringey backwash, she denies him. Then, to make things even more ridiculous, he GIVES AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, thanking his wife, Ramsay, Gloria and Scott…for helping him be what he is today. He then goes on to thank the Academy, God and say “I can’t believe that I won!” Okay, that last part is false, but he was definitely headed in that direction.
Ben is really having a bad night, cooking entrees far too slow. He has nothing ready on the ticket and doesn’t even know how long it will take him. Ben says that it’s because Rams flusters him, then he calls for Petrozza’s help. Ben finally reports that they’ve run out of lamb, which I guess they’ve been out of for an hour and a half. Rams, of course, is furious that he didn’t say anything sooner because now the orders have to be re-taken and yadda yadda.
The pencil behind the ear serves to gouge an eye whilst being head-butted by the Rams.
And O.M.G., y’all! Rosann is still making raw food! What is going ON with our little New Yawker!? Why must she suck so badly!? I want to like her and want her to succeed, but she lets me down at every turn. She gets sniffly in the kitchen and then gets so flustered that she can’t do anything at all.
Jen continues her moping and won’t look at Chef when she talks to him. So he gets into her face and says she’s far too cocky for someone who doesn’t know anything. Word. In fact, Gordo gets so angry that he throws an entire serving tray of dishes onto the counter in front of Jen. Mostly because he’s mad at Rosann though for not being able to get it together. But also because Jen is undirectable.
Rosann cries to us for letting herself and her daughter down. Again, this touches my heart, and I want to like her. But oh does she ever test me. I think it’s certainly time for her to hang up her smock.
Two-and-a-half hours into dinner service, and food is completely stalled. But on the Blue side, Ben’s Wellington is coming back to the window for not being well done. Gordon — who is totally hanging by a thread as small as Toilet Brush’s chin hair at this point — throws it in front of Ben and violently kicks a trash can.
Ben is as phoney as Zeph Faux Chik Strips.
Ben commits a fatal sin by talking back to Chef. While Chef is yelling at him, Ben interrupts, saying, “Are we done? Because if we are, then I’d like to complete my station, Chef.” I am sitting on the edge of my seat, completely terrified. I am SURE that Ramsay is about to dislocate his jaw and swallow Ben whole in one bloody bite.
SHUT IT DOWN!!!
After the disastrous, uncompleted dinner service, the teams line up in the Kitchen. Gordon says that tonight they were overconfident (Christina), slow (Rosann), lazy (Jen) and pathetic (Ben). The only chef who bounced back and did a great job was…(drum roll, please)…Matt. Rams asks why it took him so long to show his stuff. He barks that it’s because the women listened to him and showed him respect.
The losing team is the men, and each individual will nominate one person for elimination.
Back at the house, the men consider their options. Ben says that he’ll nominate himself, and the General says that he’ll nominate himself, too, for solidarity. This is strategic on Ben’s part. He thinks that if he guilts everyone into not selling anyone out, then he won’t be nominated.
Toilet Brush disagrees with this plan because he doesn’t think he deserves to be nominated at all. I mean, he made that kick-ass Caesar salad and all! That, and he’s so spunky and cute. And has a hair cut that doubles as a cheese slicer. What’s not to like?
In their room, Ben tells the General that they should tell Petrozza to nominate TB too and create an alliance voting bloc. Gen half-heartedly agrees, so Ben calls Petrozza into their room.
Petrozza, being an actual adult, refuses to nominate TB. Ben says that it was the Gen’s idea, and then tries to persuade him by saying that TB has done nothing in the challenges.
The General then says that they should all nominate each other, so that they are all equally on the chopping block. He says that he’ll nominate Petrozza if Petrozza nominates him. Petrozza smartly stays uncommitted to the plan.
The men shall speak in accordance to ascending height.
The men enter elimination, and Matt is grinning his big cringey grin on the couch with the ladies. Toilet Brush is up first and nominates Ben. He says that he doesn’t “sugar coat” or “fake the funk” but no one communicates to him. I’m not really sure what that means, but Chef liked what he said and told him that he just grew two more inches.
Ben then nominates TB. Chef points out that Ben has it in for TB. The General chooses Petrozza, saying that his heart isn’t in it. Petrozza says that it’s a tough decision. Chef says that it is but everyone else is being honest and vindictive, so he should just speak from the heart like he’s been doing. So Petro takes a deep breath and nominates himself because he can’t pick any of the guys. They all work too hard, and he doesn’t feel he’s a star. Chef says that he stands out because of his level of maturity and says he’s the most gracious man on the team.
In a completely non-surprising turn of events, Ben is predictably eliminated, and Matt can barely hold back the laughter.
See ya later, Mustache-gator.
There are now five on the women’s team and three on the men’s, so one volunteer needs to join the Blue Team. Matt says he’d rather be called a woman all day than re-join the men. They have to let Chef know by the morning.
On the way out, Chef tells Petrozza that he’s a gentleman. It means so much to Petrozza that he gets all misty and says that he already feels like a winner, but he’s got a long way to go.
Next week looks crazy as Asshole Corey pressures Jen to join the men’s team. And someone chops off a finger and tries to serve it in the food!
So what did you guys think? I’m starting to wonder if Matt was really being stifled by the Idiocracy of the Men’s Team. Maybe he really WAS just their scapegoat? I guess only time will tell.
See ya Tuesday!