Guess what peeplets? Hell’s Kitchen is back! I for one am thrilled to pieces. I have missed Gordons rampages, dish throwing, f-bombs being thrown about like soggy risotto! So let’s get to it y’all!
As usual we have to sit through Announcer Dude telling us what is going to happen on this the most exciting dramatic, climactic, earth shattering season ever to be broadcast on network television. In other words, a bunch of douche bags who think they can cook will make Gordon vomit. Some will show a bit of promise and then fall into a puddle of their own filth the first time Gordon calls them a “Fucking bloody donkey”. Then of course we will have the delusional bad ass or two who claims they will mop the floor with Gordon if he dares get in their face. Hahahahaa. Don’t ya just love those guy? Announcer Dude goes on and on about this being the most competitive season ever and then they show injury after injury. Can we start the freakin show now please?
Where the bloody hell are they?
Outside Hell’s Kitchen whats his name is impatiently waiting for the late ass wannabe chefs to arrive. He paces back and forth talking to himself. Suddenly as if by magic the bus arrives. Much to JP’s relief since he acts like Gordon chains him in the basement and beats him with lard covered rosemary sprigs. Just a guess.
As they start showing these people I will throw out my first impressions. Keep in mind I am a bitch and bi-polar so I reserve the right to change my mind. Or not.
Already on my nerves.
Hold the phone here! In the middle of my astute observations I have been interrupted. They introduce two freakin people and then jump to JP giving lessons on how to win, or lose. Looks like someone did some contract negotiations so he could have more air time. Ok I’ll play. What say you, you frenchy bastard? Well it seems he has some tips for said wannabes and tells them to follow him. Once inside there are screens and some bitch is screaming “Hello over here!” Oh hell. It’s Bonnie. You know the one who was trying to cook without the gas on.
Perfect example of duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh I see after each former dumbass talks about their mistakes there will be a little sign, a tip really so that the new wannabes won’t repeat their mistakes. Who’s says this show isn’t edamacational?
Oh dear sweet Jesus. Now It’s Coleen. You know, the bitch who actually charged people for her to teach them to cook like crap? Cut to a montage of Gordon spitting out all kinds of shit and Coleen admitting she mixed up the salt with the sugar.
Then they cut to poor Aaron and his crying meltdown. Poor sweaty bastard.
FINALLY! Gordon appears and tells them to stop staring and get to cooking the crap that he will most likely spit onto the floor causing me to giggle endlessly!
Get to cooking you fucking useless talentless titty baby mongrels from hell. Oh and good luck. Now piss off!
Its off to the kitchens they go. AD tells us the chefs will have 45 minutes to come up with their signature dishes. Then they show this twit. She tells us she is spicy sweet and sexy hot.
This dude tells us he’s a legitimate chef. Ok.
Ramsey calls time and everyone gets lined up for the taste test. But first Ramsey announces that this years prize is like none he’s ever offered ever. They will actually be running his new restaurant in HELL! Ok not really. It will be located in Canada…………really? I mean no offense to Canadians but………really? Yes indeedy, they will be head chef at none other than the Araxi at stunning Whistler resort in British Columbia. Yay.
This dong tells us he’s already polishing up his skis and actually makes this sound. “Swoosh.”
More like “swish”.
Ramsey announces that the ladies are the Red team and the dudes are the Blue team. And they will be taste testing two at a time one from each team. Up first are these two.
My risotto is the bestest ever!
Ramsey doesn’t even need to taste it to know it sucks and she argues with him. I say she doesn’t make it past day two. Blue Team dude is up with his dish of ostrich with pan seared brussells sprouts.
I pooed myself a little.
Gordon likes the ostrich but the sprouts suck ass so no one gets a point. Next two are up.
Her shirt sux so I hate her.
Tek tells us she is unemployed and has a family to support so she simply must win this. Awww our first sob story of the season. Bite me. Fortunately for her Gordon calls it “nice”. Oh God help us. Next up is this guy. He made biscuits with sausage gravy.
Yoos wanna a grilled cheese sammich instead ya highness?
And there we have it. Ramsey’s first mumbled “well fuck me.” Hahahahaha! He asks Simple Sam the Gravy man what the hell that is. Twice. He tells Ramsey its so good that he sells gallons of it every week. Ramsey’s reply. “To what, pigs?” Ramsey tastes. Ramsey spits. Gravy Dipshit asks whats wrong with it and instead of punching him Ramsey tells him it tastes like gunk. Ladies receive one point. Dudes zero.
Next up is a former marine who tells us he’s like a dog whose been let off his leash. He’s hungry. Well lets hope your ass can cook.
Just as I thought. He’s an asshole.
Ramsey likes part of the meal but yet again the sprouts are not done. He wants GI Joe to taste one and lays it on the table. This insults GI Joe as he has no utensil and refuses to eat like an animal. Ramsey tells him to relax. GI Joe promises us that he and Ramsey will go head to head. I can’t wait.
Up next is this girl who can’t help but smile because after GI Blows dumbass pussy ass behavior she could cook a a rats tail with a bird shit gastric and still win the point.
Hey fork boy, bite my ass!
She makes a lamb chop with a balsamic glaze. And ramsey loves it! 2 points for the women, zippo for the men and GI Blow!
Oh hell someone call the dippy brigade. The next two arrive with their plates but this twit has to run back and get 2 shots of tequila. It’s Amanda the first twit I introduced. And she has made this.
Yep, she has definitely been fired from a Waffle House or six.
Her dish is Margarita French Toast with a tequila Lime butter. And a shot of tequila on the side. And, she’s grinning like a jackass who has already drunk half the bottle. Ramsey is about as shocked as I’ve ever seen him. Cut to Tequila Twit singing “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila four!” and then she takes a shot. Ramsey pick it up with his fork and doesn’t even bother to taste it.
This poor dude is scared shitless.
Gordon moves on and asks this dude where he cooks. The poor slob says “At home.” Excuse me for a sec…….hahahahahaahaha! So then Gordon asks where he learned to cook. The dude actually says “From his heart.” I am officially in love with this tard. Ok he then blathers some shit about where he actually works and Gordon tastes his food. Gordon tells him he has potential and its nice. Men finally get a point thanks to Tequila Twit! That makes it Women 2-Men-1.
Uh oh skank alert! I guess since Tequila Twit’s obvious ploys didn’t work, this one decides to use feminine flirty faces to get Ramseys attention.
These lips were made for…..swallowing.
In slow motion she tells us this dish is very rich and luscious and velvety and sways her hair and basically eye fuck, well face fucks Ramsey and the camera. She says you can just feel whats happening in your mouth and the satisfaction that comes. Then she licks her lips. Lady that might have worked if you were 15 years younger and didn’t look so much like a guinea pig. Oh God and she giggles at the camera. Poor delusional thing.
This is her dish. It;s supposed to have a lobster tail. I don’t see one. In fact it looks like guinea pig poo.
Uh did I eat that already?
Ramsey shouts “Where is the lobster tail?” Hot Lips McOldPants says she had “challenges”. I’ll say. Like how to get the bunny in the pot before it escapes kind of challenges. Ramsey calls it pathetic and throws it in the trash. She takes this as a sign that he loves her and asks if he will add her as a friend on FaceBook.
Next up is Jim who tells us he isn’t intimidated by anyone. That is until Ramsey tells him to take his coat off. Then he squirms like a girl and does as he’s told. He’s made seared ahi tuna with a soy ginger vinegarette.
I ain’t a skeerd of nuthing….ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Luckily for FraidyPants Ramsey loves the dish and now the Blue and Red teams are tied 2-2.
Next up is Kevin and Ariel and they both suck so no points for them. Same goes for Lovely and Andy. No points.
Suck, suck and more suck!
Tied at 2-2 we are down to the two last dishes. First up is the sweet and spicy hot dingbat I hate. So does Ramsey as he almost chokes. SpiceGirl says maybe she’s just too spicy. Ugh. Next up is Van. And yes he seems kinda slow and stupid but I like that in a guy. But then he laughs like a donkey and me no likey no more.
I like beer y’all!
Well I’ll be damned. Ramsey loves his dish! Men win! And then Ramsey lowers the boom and explains that while the men will be out fine dining they will be cleaning up the hideous mess in the kitchen.
Hell mine looks like that now.
Louie the Dumbass says its womens work anyway cause its right up their alley. Shut your hole and go back to selling hot dogs out of a cart you backwoods wad.
Oh and by the way, Ramsey’s sous chef Scott is back but this year he has brought in Heather, the winner of Season 2 as the other sous chef. So while the boys are off to play, the girls get to slave away.
I just hate dish pan hands.
As the guys are eating a nice meal, Heather lifts the lid on what the ladies will be dining on.
Ya gotta love that Ramsey sense of humor!
While the boys are still partying, the girls go up to bed to find menus for tomorrow nights service. Some decide to study and some not.
Ok that dude has got to go if for no other reason than he’s just gross.
Morning comes and AD tells us that the chefs have everything they need. Except brains I’m guessing. Right off the bat the boys fall behind since they didn’t really bother to look at the menu. Van tells us that there was something in that champagne that wasn’t good y’all.
Yeah it’s called alcohol ya cow tippin’ bastard.
Ramsey comes out to announce he is expecting a wonderful service! Yeah and I expect chocolate to be calorie free. Suddenly Ramsey notices a problem. It seems Lovely, has already cooked the desserts that were not supposed to be cooked until the order was put in. Strike one.
The devil made me do it.
Finally Ramsey orders JP to open Hell’s Kitchen. And they are off! AD tells us that the restaurant has been redesigned and the menu overhauled with added items. The orders start coming in. Ramsey shouts them out to the ladies and they all yell “Yes Chef!”. When he yells at the guys they are quiet and clueless. The Red Kitchen brings up their first appetizer. And Ramsey takes one look at it and says “Hells bells!” The scallops are raw. This sets the whole kitchen behind.
Over on the Blue Team Jim says scallops are up. Only one problem. There are supposed to be 6 of them.
In my defense Chef, when you are drunk it looks like there are six.
Ramsey has a fit. He makes the dude count to six. Twice. Now everyone is struggling. But the women are the worst. Out in the dining room people are bitching. And then I see this dude.
Robert! Ya sweaty bastard how the hell are ya?
AD dude tells us that not only is Robert there as a guest but he’s wants to give him a second chance at Hell’s Kitchen since he had to leave last time for medical reasons.
Back in the kitchen the Blue Team finally does something right. Not so much the Red Team. Then Ramsey notices Louie is fucking up left and right. The others rally around him to try and save his ass while Ramsey turns his attention on the Red Team. Again. Melinda the EyeFucker throws out the pasta because its not cooked instead of just cooking it longer. And she makes this face when Ramsey calls her on it.
You will succumb to my sexual powers!
Ramsey has another fit and then he finds all the pasta they’ve been throwing away.
Do you know how many kids Angelina Jolie could feed with that?
The more Ramsey yells at Melinda Fuckface the more she just makes fuck faces. I do believe she was hit in the head with a blunt object. Recently.
He loves me. I can tell.
Back to the Blue Team Louie is supposed to be on meat but is on garnish instead. This displeases Ramsey. Words are said back and forth. Then Louie tells the camera that Ramsey needs to pull the panties outta his ass. That would have been much more impressive if he’d actually said that to his FACE!
Diners are getting restless and the Red Team seems to be missing a someone.
Damn my corns is hurting!
So while Lovely takes a siesta the rest of her team scramble like crazy. To no avail. Ramsey calls for salmon and he gets this instead! And he says it looks like a bison’s penis.
Gonna have to take your word on that one Rammo!
Apparently dumbass Tequila Girl accidently stuck it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. Oops.
Tequra make erey tink betters.
Lovely returns and the Red Team tries to get back on track. Meanwhile on the Blue Team Louie has fucked up for the last time. Ramsey loses his shit like a fat girl on Prom night! He screams for him to get out. Dumbass Louie asks can he help and Ramsey screeches yes pack your shit AND GET OUT!!!!!!!!!
Yeah yeah we know Ramsey can kiss your ass. Bite me loser.
Ramsey shuts the kitchen down. Now who didn’t see that coming? Ramsey tells them all to fuck off in that special way he has. I love him so. Anyway as they stand around trying to figure how which team sucked worse, Ramsey is off to Roberts table to invite him to come back as a contestant. He accepts and his wife starts crying with happiness.
We need ya big boy. Now make the wife stop blubbering and piss off.
Back to the kitchen Ramsey goes with Robert in tow. He sends him to the Blue Team. He then has to decide who sucked harder which as it turned out wasn’t really all that hard to figure out. The Red Team sucked ass. They are told the usual go pick 2 of your loser mates for nomination. After yick yacking and blaming and pissy attitudes they come back down with their decision. First nominee is Melinda Fuckface. Second nominee is Amanda of the frozen Bison penis. Ramsey asks her if she agrees she should be up and she says no. She tells him Lovely should take her place. In the end he keeps the nominees the same.
He asks them each why they should stay and they both basically say blah blah blah boring blah. Ramsey thinks for about 2 seconds and Fuckface tries one more sexy look but it fails miserably and she’s out. She also seems to be under the impression that he would want to have a four course dinner with her made with her very own delusional hands.
Call me. I love you.
Ramsey has one more surprise. He is sending Robert over to the girls side. And he tells him this, “Hey big boy, last year you were a hero, now you are a fucking zero.”
I just hate it when he gets all sappy!
Well peeps that it for episode one. For some reason they showed 2 episodes back to back and I’ll get the second one up as soon as I can. Until then, what do you guys think about this years crop of crappy cooks? Anyone stick out to you yet?
Love and Smooches,