Hell’s Kitchen: Matt Goes Bonkers

This is one of the funniest episodes I have ever watched of Hell’s Kitchen as Cringing Matt’s very last marble finally plunked on the floor. And I realized that I would be TERRIFIED to be stuck in the dorms with him. Why? Because he dramatically sharpens knives while staring people down, that’s why! In other predictable Hell’s news, we also had a couple fires and many plates of uncooked beef. So no surprises there.

I’m not saying that Matt’s a freak. (I’m implying it.)After elimination, the teams go back to the house, and Corey and Christina instantly start talking about how they do not want Jen back on their team. But more than that, they are shocked that Petrozza sent the Toilet Brush home. They both thought he’d be there to the end as did the rest of the world.

The General and Petrozza feel similarly about Matt as the ladies do about Jen. Petrozza says that Matt keeps “hanging around like a hemorrhoid.” I love that Petrozza is on this show. Seriously, he comes up with better one-liners than I could ever dream of formulating. I hope he sticks around until the end.

At 6 a.m., the phone rings and Corey answers it in a nasty, dirty robe. The chefs are told to get moving NOW. The Hell’s Kitchen van is waiting for them outside along with six sets of blindfolds. They are blindfolded and taken to a secret location at the top of a building where they are met by a firing squad. Okay, not really. But wouldn’t that be a dramatic — and oddly satisfying — end to this torturous season?

Gordon tells them to take off the blindfolds. It’s so bright that they’re eyes have issues adjusting to the sun. The General says that it looks like Rammers is levitating. The General really needs to lay off that LSD. The second you think Gordon is flying, is the second that you should know you have a problem. Gordo tells them that they are standing on top of the roof of what will be the new London West Hollywood where one of them will become the new executive chef.

This is what my heaven looks like…

They all have silver platters with domes in front of them. They lift the domes to find new, black outfits. There is no more blue team and no more red team. They are now one kitchen. Matt enthusiastically reaches out to give Corey a five, obviously excited to be on Team Corey again. Corey relunctantly fives him, touching him as if he has the plague. Corey said it sucks to have Jen back and now have Matt too. Um, yeah, good luck with that!

Next, Gordon orders two Secret Service-looking men to come out. They are dressed all in black with black sunglasses and both are carrying a steal briefcase. They open the cases and reveal a quarter of a million dollars in cash. Matt tells us that he’s excited to see the money, and it would have been nice to touch it or SNNNIIIIFFFFFFF!!!! He makes a big sniffing noise. What’s that? Nice to touch it or roll it up and sniff cocaine out of it? He is so freakin’ weird.

The team head downstairs to look at the space of the restaurant. It’s still under construction, but looks enormous. And that’s that. Good times.

Now the chefs are back in Hell’s Kitchen for their first individual challenge. Each chef will be putting their own spin on a basic ingredient. Everyone has a secret mystery meat in front of them. Matt has veal. Christina has sea bass. The General has duck. Jen has beef. Petrozza has chicken. Corey has lobster, which totally disturbed me to see on the plate! For some reason, my first thought was that it was a scorpion because it’s such a black lobster. I really don’t like lobster. I know it’s a delicacy, but I just can’t eat anything that screams as it’s boiled alive. Plus, it’s such a crusty little monster. I wonder who originally thought that if you cracked that thing open, it might taste good in there. Have you guys noticed my bias against shellfish, yet?

“Eat my body. It’s delicious.”

They have 45 minutes to prepare something unique, and so they start running around like crazy, preparing their dishes.

First up is Matt with roasted veal loin. Gordo says that it’s nice. Matt says that he smells victory, and it smells sweet. I must note that smelling things that aren’t there is a sign of an aneurysm. I think he needs to be checked out because I see victory for him at all. And I really mean AT ALL.

Second is Christina with pan-seared sea bass. Gordo says it’s quite interesting because the sea bass is very meaty. So far, so good. Christina and Matt share a little high five.

Petrozza has a breast of chicken that’s stuffed with prosciutto, duck and vegetables. It looks weird. Gordon says that he’s never seen one individual do so much to a breast. Hardy har.

Corey presents an asparagus, pea and lobster soup. Gordon says that it’s tasty, but he expected her to use the whole lobster. Right. As the Native Americans have taught us, if you kill the buffalo, then you should use the entire buffalo. Even if that means making a delicious meat paste out of its eyeballs. (Don’t worry, I don’t know what I’m talking about either.)

Lobster in Ectoplasm.

Next is Jen who sliced her ribeye really thin to do something interesting. Gordon asks if she’s happy with it, and she says that she is. She gets a little shaky and wipes an eye. Gordon asks what’s wrong, and she says she’s nervous. Gordon says that when he first saw her slicing the steak, he was worried that it’d be overcooked and dry. But it’s actually still moist. It was a dangerous dish, but she pulled it off.

Someone give this girl an Oscar!

General is last with a duck soup. Gordon says that the soup is delicious but the duck is tough. He says it’s upsetting because it was on the verge of being perfect. Waahh-WAAAHHHHH! (That was my “Debbie Downer” noise.)

For his two favorites, Rams chooses Christina and Jen. There is a huge pause before he announces the winner as Jen wells up and fidgets and acts like a freak. When Gordon chooses Jen, she totally breaks into tears. It’s rather over-the-top, and I wonder why she has such an emotional tie to her ribeye.

All right, Tammy Faye Baker. We get it.

Jen’s dish will be on tonight’s menu. And, as a reward, she’ll be going to Vegas to have dinner with Rock, last year’s winner. Jen blubbers like a baby. For something extra, she’s allowed to take one person with her. She randomly picks Corey, and I am shocked! The four losers will be unloading the delivery trucks.

Corey and Jen go to change. Jen tells us that they’ve had issues in the past, but she’s had issues with everyone there and thinks she’ll have fun with Corey. Corey says that it proves how fake Jen is because she picked the person she talks the most crap about. Maybe it’s one of those “keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer” kind of mentalities.

Corey really MUST stop making that face.

At Hell’s Kitchen, Christina is sitting inside of a delivery truck being a “leader.” That means she “delegating” and making the guys do all the heavy lifting with the boxes. Matt is being a total drama queen about it, dropping the boxes and huffing and puffing. He’s such a whiner. Can you believe this man’s 35? One thing I’ve learned as I’ve entered adulthood is that people are never truly adults. They are just far more sophisticated at hiding their childish behavior. Matt, however, lacks this sophistication.

Matt carries two bags of ice and complains that he’s pulled his back. He can’t even move his shoulder and wants to be sent home. Christina tells him that his attitude sucks, and they get into a little scuffle. Both the General and Petrozza say they’re worried about Matt because he’s losing it. Matt sharpens the knives while ominously staring them all down. Okay, that’s a little creepy, Mr. Cringe Face. Just put the knives down and no one will get hurt.

Oh you’re back hurts, Matt? Well soon your face is going to hurt because I’m about to punch it.

Meanwhile, over in Sin City, Jen and Corey get to their suite at the Green Valley Ranch, and it’s amazing. They actually seem excited and like they’re getting along.

Corey and Jen clean up pretty nice and meet Rock outside of his restaurant. He shows them around and then they sit down for dinner. He jokes that he’s glad they didn’t send him two guys. As they talk, Jen says that whenever Ramsay yells at her, it’s never about her food. It’s always about her personality. That chocolate soufflé that peed all over the counter last week? That was her personality.

Jen’s secret plot is to get Corey away from the cameras and suffocate her with her cleavage.

It’s the next day, and Matt is getting crazier by the second. He won’t stop talking to himself about how he’s confident that he’ll win. I think we can officially add “delusional” to his list of symptoms. Christina tells him that he’s annoying, and they argue. Matt says that he needs to be the best, so that he can send her home. The General says they’ve been bickering all day, and they need to pull it together before service.

Corey and Jen get back to the kitchen, and the first thing Christina does is tell Corey about how crazy Matt went while they were gone. Then Matt says, “You wanna see crazy? This is fuckin’ crazy!” And he smacks himself in the head a bunch of times.

As long as he’s smacking himself, then I won’t have to do it for him.

Then he does a weird exaggerated fake crying thing. It’s just so bizarre that I’m speechless. I am literally. Without. Speech. Matt says that Christina needs to grow up and understand what it’s like to blow off steam. It’s annoying because he sucks but she totally eggs it on. She needs to just ignore him like the others do.

Gordon comes in and assigns stations. Jen and Petrozza are on appetizers. The General is on fish. Corey is on vegetables. Matt and Christina will be working together on meat. Uh oh! Think that was set up by the producers? I do.

Christina tells us that if Matt messes up, then she’s going to kick him off the station. Matt tells us that Christina is a nasty little bitch with cellulite on her ass. The thing about arguments is that as soon as the person insults the others’ appearance, they’ve lost. Because that is what you do when you have nothing substantive to say. It’s like when my friend Julie dated a wacko football player in college. She eventually broke up with him and was like, “I just don’t trust you.” His response? “Yeah…well…well…I CAN’T STAND YOUR FACE!” Oh we still laugh about that one!

But anyway, Hell’s Kitchen is now open. Actors — er, I mean, people — are pulling up outside in their fancy cars with their fancy clothes per usual. I would give anything to just see a total slouch drive up in a Ford Taurus and flip flops.

Instantly after Gordon calls in the first round of orders, Matt already starts a fire!!! Wow, he’s really wasting no time this week. Gordon tells him not to blow on it, so of course he does. Oh to watch a genius at work…Matt really makes me feel better about myself and my station in life.

Maybe our little “metrosexual” just needed to steam his pores.

The next part of the show is so funny! Apparently Petrozza’s hands are so dirty that the bottom of a plate he serves has a CHIVE stuck to the bottom of it! And, yet again, Petrozza delivers one of his famous one-liners: “Chef Ramsay zeros in on anything and everything like a heat-seeking missile.” Ramsay says he’s confused as to how Petrozzo works like a pig and yet produces amazing food. I feel like when I look at him, there is a cloud of dirt and dust following him like Pig Pen from the “Peanuts” cartoons. It’s not exactly appetizing, but I enjoy Petrozza so much that I’ll try to overlook it.

AAAaaaaaaaaand this is where things fall apart! Jen’s risotto is too salty, and she’s order to make it over. Then, there is a neatfun game of “Telephone.” Gordon calls a meat order out to Matt, and Matt repeats it back completely wrong. Gordon calls it again. Matt repeats it back incorrectly again. Matt stutters all over the place and is obviously hearing things. What’s worse is that Matt and Christina aren’t communicating with the rest of the team at all. Because of that, Corey’s timing is off with the vegetables. She starts struggling with reheating the vegetables and begins to cry. Whoa. Everything continues to snowball from there, and I love every pathetic minute of it!

Now Christina is cooking chicken and beef in the same pan to speed things up. And then Bobby has salmon and scallops in the same pan. Gordon freaks out as this is really bad for anyone who has food allergies or specific dietary rules. Customers are waiting forever without food. And of course there is raw steak among them. This wouldn’t be Hell’s Kitchen if there wasn’t raw meat somewhere! We are on Episode 10 and these people STILL couldn’t cook a steak to save their lives. Amazing!

Just when I think things couldn’t get any more insane, Corey pulls a flaming pan off the burner. She drops it on the ground, totally burning her hand and goes back to cooking. WTF?!

“Maybe if I hide this under the counter, no one will notice.”

Chef tells Corey that she’s moving slowly, and she says that she burned her hand pretty badly. He tells her to go to the medic then. She cries and says no. He screams “Get out!” Again, she says no. Jen says that Corey must be cuckoo to be talking to Gordon like that. Jen rarely says things that make sense, but I have to agree with her here. Corey totally unravels and runs out of the kitchen to see the medic. She bawls her eyes out, and Jen picks up her station.

The dining room is sitting without food, and Matt, out of nowhere, shoves something big and brown into his mouth! He claims that he’s just tasting his Wellington, but it was a pretty big chunk of food to be only a taste. Gordon is furious that Matt is eating and taking his time while others are going hungry waiting for food. But Matt actually goes back and takes another bite!!! Luckily, Gordon doesn’t see him this time. It really grosses me out that he’s sticking food in his mouth with his hands and then using those hands to cook. Couldn’t he at least use a fork or something? Ugh.

Yo Karate Kid! Wax on; wax off!

Corey returns to the kitchen with a glove covering her burnt hand and continues to cook. And, again, we get to play a game of “Telephone!” Gordon calls out an order, and Christina calls it back completely wrong. He summons her to come talk to him. He tells her that she’s supposed to be bright, but she can’t even keep information in her head. Gordon asks Matt what the order was, and he just mutter, “I don’t even know.” So much for trying! The General loses a John Dory. But then finds it. Wow. They are quite the bunch, aren’t they?

Now it’s time for more raw food! Before two Wellington and two ribeye go out, Gordon stops them and has everyone come touch them. He says that the Wellington are raw and then asks what’s wrong with the ribeye. Shockingly, Matt grabs the platter of meat from Gordon. What on earth is this guy doing?! Gordon screams that he didn’t want him to take it, he wants an answer to the question. (For anyone who’s interested, the answer is that the ribeye is overcooked.)

Do you think that Matt couldn’t possibly get any worse? Then brace yourself! Because he really reaches new lows this week. He bumbles over to Gordon, taking a ticket off a tray that Ramsy needs. Why? I have no idea. But trying to apply logic to Matt’s actions would be a fallacy. Gordon asks Matt what’s going on, and he says that he’s busy getting yelled at. Gordon tells him that he’s getting yelled at because he’s serving overcooked meat. Matt stutters and stumbles with nothing valuable to say. Matt tells us that it’s not his fault because he has a migraine. And because he’s a team player but has no team. And thus the tirade of excuses commences…

Question: How can one have a headache if he has no brain?

Matt then touches a hot plate and totally freaks out. He says he wants to go home and needs a vacation. The General says that something fruity is going on inside of his brain, which is the absolute understatement OF THE YEAR. Matt says he doesn’t know what’s going on because he has a headache. I agree that migraines can be completely debilitating, but not for even a second do I believe that Matt actually feels ill. Instead, I think he’s a total crybaby, insistent upon pardoning his own horrible behavior.

Matt repeats an order back incorrectly AGAIN. OH MY GOD, PEOPLE! These people are the source for my skyrocking blood pressure! Then he crazily rips open a packet of pain killers with his mouth, prompting Gordon to look at him with such amazement that he has to call Scott’s attention to the sideshow. It’s so ridiculous that the General laughs. Matt THEN tells Gordon that he has no feeling in his hands. What?! Where did THAT even come from? Gordon grabs his hand and leads him out of the kitchen. He pushes him out and tells him to go lie down. Matt says he wants to work through it but is not given that open.

This is a 35-year-old man, folks.

It’s two-and-a-half hours into the dinner service and no food is leaving the kitchen. I also must remind you all, that this is Episode 10! Then Christina finds a mystery burnt vat of rice on the burner that Jen forgot about. Gordon tells Jen to get out and go back to the dorm. Then he kicks Christina out too for not noticing the rice sooner. Then he kicks everyone out because it’s just altogether terrible.

Gordon’s last straw.

SHUT IT DOWN!!!

The team meets in the kitchen, and Rams says they were all pathetic. They’ll all go back to the dorms and come to a consensus about which two should be put on the chopping block. Matt asks for a minute alone with Chef. He says that he has a really bad migraine and didn’t know when to give up or stay. Gordon says that he can’t tell him that, but he just wants to see a little bit of manliness.

By the time Matt gets back to the dorm, the team has already decided to put him up for elimination. He says that’s a waste of their time because he’ll fight for it. Matt curses a lot and then storms back to his bedroom and packs his bag. The General says that Matt not only deserves to be kicked off the show but deserves to be kicked off the universe. Word.

Sad to see Matt walk away, Corey offers a solemn wave of farewell.

For the second person to eliminate, Corey and Christina go for Jen because of bad communication. But the General wants to put up both Christina and Matt because the meat station was so bad. Surprisingly, Corey wants to put herself up because she thinks she did badly. I find her honesty to be a bit scary. What happened to her large ego? Petrozza is supposed to break the tie to see who goes up against Matt.

At elimination, Petrozza says that Matt is the first nominee because he failed at service and his attitude is suffering. Gordon asks Corey who the second nominee is. She says they chose Christina because she was on meat station with Matt, and they both sunk the station. Corey says she thinks she should have gone up, but the team wouldn’t put her up. Wow, Corey is being quite mature here. It really weirds me out. Gordon says she is right. The three of them step forward.

Gordon says that Corey seems to be getting weaker instead of stronger. She says that her emotions got to her, and it affected her food. Gordon says that he’s not interested in her emotions because he’s not Dr. Phil.

Matt thinks he should stay because he keeps getting picked on by everyone. And he had a migraine. In Matt World, nothing is ever his fault. Must be nice to live in his world of craziness and denial.

Gordon says that Christina has the least experience because she’s only been cooking for three years. She says she’s been cooking for three years professionally, but has been cooking, in general, for much longer. She says that she’s made it this far, and it’s not about experience; it’s about heart. Gordon says that she needs more experience because she gives up too easily.

But the person leaving is Matt. Thank god! It’s about time! Everyone smiles.

We watch a little montage of Matt. From his making Gordon barf, to his cooking up his finger in the pancetta, to making good risotto, getting a mudmask and being in US Weekly. Sigh. What a long, strange trip it’s been…

Petrozza says that he’s relieved Matt’s gone. And will be relieved when he’s in a different state. Amen. I think we need to have a little Matt montage in homage to the world’s weirdest reality show contestent, wouldn’t you agree? We can’t just leave this occasion improperly noticed. Let’s do this thing right!

Thank you for being a CRINGE!

Travelled down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confident.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew,

You would see the biggest gift would be from me.

And the card attached would say…

Thank you for being a CRINGE!

Next time, they’ll be teaching cooking skills to hot ladies. And Petrozza has a crush on them all.

So what do you guys think? Are you happy to see Matt gone for good? What are we going to talk about now!!!???

See ya Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo