Hell’s Kitchen: Mazel Tov!

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, JP wonders who he pissed off in production, a boy becomes a man, and the thirty second rule gets put to the test.

As the teams head upstairs for their requisite bitch/smoke session, LA tells us how sad she is that they lost Colon. “We lost our spirit. She was the mom.” Uh, she was also dead weight that needed to go. You’re gonna miss her? Dope.

Andrea tells LA she holds no animosity whatsoever. Hmmm. We’ll see about that one.

Giovanni tells her to use it as motivation, and she says it has lit a fire under her ass. That sounds painful. It’s been a humbling experience for her, but it’s not gonna happen again.

Meanwhile, J has built a shrine to his family in his bedroom. As he prays to them, Giovanni comes in to ask if he’s ok. Gio is quite the consoler this evening, isn’t he?

J is disappointed because he’s never failed. Like that. Maybe the standards are just a little lower at the food court.

The next morning everyone gathers down in the dining room. Chef Ramsey tells PrettyGirl “I was slightly doubtful to begin with, but you’re shining, don’t stop.” She assures him she will not. She is wrong.

I can only imagine how much the red team hated that. We didn’t get any reaction shots, but we all know that shit irritated them but good. Ha-ha-ha.

Ramsey informs them that the next dinner service will be for a very, very special event. They will be doing a bar mitzvah. Ben is very excited. “Those are my people, Chef.”

Okay Ben, since you’re Jewish and all, can you explain to everyone what a bar mitzvah means? “It signifies, in the Jewish religion, Chef, a, uh, boy entering into manhood, Chef.”

Coi tells us that she has catered many a bar mitzvah, and they are so much fun. “People dance, they break glasses, l’chaim, all that stuff.” Sounds a lot like some of the bars I frequented in college. Except for the l’chaim part.

To give a little more insight into the bar mitzvah boy, his likes and dislikes, Ramsey has brought in two of the most important chefs in his life. Please welcome mom and grandmother, Brenda and Sally respectively. Awww, Bubbe Sally is so cute. I love Grandmas.

Ramsey thanks them for coming, and asks for favorite foods. Mom says he loves her hamburgers. Bubbe Sally says, “Chicken soup, and brisket, of course. This was his first food and he loved it.”

Which, Bubbe? The burger, soup, or brisket? You know……I think I’m gonna hafta call bullshit on Bubbe. None of those sound like first foods to me. Of course, I’m just a shiksa, what do I know from Jewish first foods? Ben? A little help here?

“Little Grandma with the poofy hair, all I wanted to do was go up and give her a big hug on her smushy cheek.” Ben, no one wants to hear about your thing for older women.

Each team must now create a hamburger, a brisket, and a chicken soup. Ramsey is looking for them to take those dishes to a completely new level. They have 45 minutes. Is that enough time to cook a brisket? I always thought brisket took a really long time to cook being a tougher cut of meat.

There are plenty of ingredients in the kitchen so that the chefs can create upscale versions of each dish.

Robert has the burger for the men. He knows burgers and what makes them tasty. His words, not mine.

C&A: “By having the chefs transform everyday foods into gourmet dishes, Chef Ramsey is testing their ability to innovate and to think on their feet.”

Coi and LA are on the brisket, and their plan is to barbeque it. Coi knows what kids like. Well, she’s not gonna say she knows what all kids like, she doesn’t know all kids. And she doesn’t wanna know all kids. She knows what she liked when she was thirteen. That gives me confidence.

Back to Ben! He’s Jewish (no!), so he should be able to do the Jewish food good. “This is my time to shine; we’re cooking for my people.” And then he nah nah nahs the “Hava Nagila”. Ben, for your encore, can you please sing “Tradition”? Perhaps Baba Yaga and her babushka can join in on the chorus.

Over in the red kitchen, Carol is working on her burger. She’s planning on stuffing it with bleu cheese. Yummy. Andrea doesn’t think that bleu cheese is such a good idea for a kid. Yeah, Andrea has a point. I love bleu cheese, hell, I love ALL cheese, but it’s not for everyone. Carol tells us, “I’ve definitely made a burger stuffed with cheese for both of my kids, and they eat it up.” But Carol, was it stuffed with BLEU cheese? I think that’s an important fact we seem to be missing in that statement.

Andrea suggests something to mellow it out, like maybe goat cheese. Carol replies, “Goat cheese doesn’t mellow anything.” And now I’m agreeing with Carol. Goat cheese is another one that can go either way for people. Come on people! Andrea suggests Monterey Jack. There ya go, I’d think that most people would like that one, right?

Carol’s having none of it. “I don’t know what Andrea’s doing, personally I’d like to take a needle and thread and sew her fucking lips closed.” She reminds Andrea that Ramsey told them to transform it into something fine dining. Coi pipes up to tell Carol she doesn’t think bleu cheese is a good idea either. Carol ignores Coi. Wow, great team work!

Now Carol is telling her team she’s going to cook the burger to a medium, does everyone agree that that’s a good temp? They think mid well would be better. “Yeah, I’m going to do medium.” Why bother to ask what anyone thinks if you’re going to do whatever you want anyway? That would irritate the shit out of me.

J is back to talking about himself in the third person. I continue to be annoyed by him.

With a minute left to go, PrettyGirl is so excited that she runs right into the countertop and falls down. I fall off my couch laughing. I rewind and watch that part a few times before moving on. Hee hee.

All Ben has to say is “Hava Nagila.” Do you think he might be Jewish?

Chef Ramsey asks the teams if they’re happy with their dishes. They are. What else are they going to say? It’s like on Survivor when Jeff asks the teams, “Worth playing for?” I wish just once someone would answer “No, that reward sucks, I think I’ll sit this one out, thanks.”

Chef Ramsey will not be judging their dishes. Instead, Bar Mitzvah Boy Max will be tasting and judging each plate. This unexpected twist makes Paula nervous. Did they go too fancy with a couple of things? Let’s begin…..

First up are Andrea and Giovanni with their versions of chicken soup.

The men made a tradition chicken soup with some fresh pasta, fresh vegetables, and they made little rice balls. It looks really tasty, but why have pasta AND riceballs? Isn’t that a bit much? Bubbe thinks it’s excellent.

The ladies have made a spring chicken soup. “It is indicative of you coming into manhood. It’s chock full of spring vegetables, and there’s some fresh pasta in there, and it’s topped with fresh pea shoots.” What are the pea shoots indicative of, Andrea?

Max thinks it’s delicious, and Bubbe can’t stop eating it. Coi’s really excited that Bubbe likes the soup so much, and she thinks they’ve got it in the bag. But it’s not up to Bubbe, it’s up to Max. Since Andrea made him feel all icky inside, he chooses the men’s soup.

The brisket is next. I am shocked to find out that Ben has made brisket quite a few times. Ramsey asks him to explain the theory behind the brisket. Ben leads with, “I’m Jewish also.” Oy vey, ya don’t say. It apparently took him back. To making brisket.

Max likes it, it was sweet and he likes it. Ben says, “A little sweet, a little schmaltz added, it was a little combination of the two.” The girls all roll their eyes at him. As do I.

LA, tell us about your brisket. “We braised our brisket and threw a cherry barbeque sauce over it.”

Max thinks theirs is very good also. But which one will he chose?

He chooses the red team’s brisket. Once again, we have a tie. Ben is not happy about this turn of events. “Coming from the Jewish faith, I thought my food would be, you know, spot on. I really did.” Poor Ben, betrayed by his people.

It all comes down to the burgers. Carol is confident her burger will win, especially once she sees Robert’s burger. “Immediately, all I saw was miniature greasy looking little fries and a burnt burger.” She thinks she hit this one out of the park.

I think Robert’s burger does look a little overdone, but I like my burgers mid rare and this is obviously more well done than that. I was wondering why they had a green tomato on the plate.

Robert tells Max the burger is prepared with Kobe beef. “All I was thinking about was you becoming a man, and you deserve a man sized burger.”

Gio thinks all you have to do is look at Robert to know he can make a mean burger. I think there’s some faulty logic there. Not all fatties can cook. Some of us just like to eat a lot.

Max says it was excellent. On to the stinky cheese burger.

Carol? “What we’ve done is we’ve taken a trio of lamb, veal and Kobe beef, and stuffed it with a little bit of bleu cheese crumbles, and on top you have some sautéed onions and Portobello mushrooms with a little bit of white truffle oil.” WOW. There’s a lot going on both in and on top of that burger. Hope Max isn’t planning on trying to kiss anyone later. Stinky cheese and onion breath? Hope you’ve stocked up on breath mints, dude.

So Max, which will it be? Ass breath or big ass?

Carol’s gonna fight for this one: “To show you’re becoming a man, these are a little more grown-up flavors….” Robert counters with “That is a homemade sundried tomato mayonnaise”…..Now they’re talking over each other about hand cut fries, cayenne pepper, aioli, until Ramsey tells them to stop trying to manipulate him. “Ok buddy, under no pressure whatsoever…which one?” Max immediately turns to his mommy. Yes, manhood changes everything. She tells him to go with his tastebuds, which I think is code for: “Please don’t make us all have ass breath at your bar mitzvah. Your dad will be drinking, and I want to get lucky.”

Max thinks the red team’s burger was very good, but the cheese in there? “Wasn’t that good.” He definitely liked the blue team. Poor Carol. If only someone had told her not to use the bleu cheese, it all could have ended so differently.

Ramsey has organized something unique for the blue team’s win. Spa day!! Ummm, Chef? How is a spa day unique? Don’t you have that prize every year? Is it a spa run by midgets or something?

Danny is down for a massage or “somethin’ like that.” Danny, I don’t think it’s that kind of massage place.

Chef Ramsey thinks it was a shame the ladies lost on the burger. “Whose idea was the cheese?” Carol fesses up that it was her idea, and adds that her kids love lots of cheese. But I ask again Carol……….THAT cheese?

Andrea thinks the bleu cheese in the burger was fucking ridiculous. She reminds us that she suggested using different cheese, and apparently the editors think we all have short term memory loss, because they show it to us again. Andrea thinks Carol made an ass of herself for not listening. Shut up, Andrea.

The red team’s punishment is to decorate the dining room for the bar mitzvah.

Max’s mom introduces JP to the person he’ll be working with to plan the party. Oh, poor JP. It’s that idiot Francisco, the party planner from the sweet 16 party and wedding reception. JP smiles and nods, until the mom leaves. Then he turns to PP and says: “You. Listen. You are not interfering with my job. Leave my thing for me, and you do your little thing.”

JP introduces PP to the ladies, and PP is so excited to be there. Fabulous! He tells them, “Wait until you see what we are making. We are going to go up, up and away with beautiful balloons all around…it’s going to be SO festive. We have twinkly centerpieces on all of the tables. We are going to make this the most beautiful sports arena!” Yeah. I’m not even going there.

Coi thinks he is fabulous from the way he talks to the way he dresses. LA tells us, “I’m gay…that dude is parade gay. Wow.” Does anyone else think he is faux gay? He’s over the top, but not realistically for me. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

While the ladies decorate, the blue team exfoliates.

J talks about himself in the third person yet again, and I am so over that, I cannot even find the words. Gio thinks his face looks wonderful. And he thinks he looks………twenty one again! Hee. And then…..the moment all you chubby chasers have been waiting for…..

Back in Hell’s Kitchen, the women are trying to assemble the dance floor. It’s not going too well. Carol and Andrea are bickering through the whole thing, and Carol tells us that they haven’t liked each other from day one. They fake it. And Andrea acting like she’s the leader rubs Carol the wrong way.

Back at the spa, PrettyGirl and Ben are getting the couples massage. Ben is proud of how PrettyGirl has been banging it out. TMI, dude. She reminds him that Chef said she’s shining. He says she is shining. Or oily. Shiny from the oil.

The red team continues their struggle to put together the dance floor. Until, Eureka! It dawns on them that the dance floor is actually a basketball court. Carols says “The light in Andrea’s brain just came on.” “It’s been on.” Yeesh.

Paula is over them bickering like a bunch of bitches. Andrea tells us the light in her brain is flashing. Uh oh. I hope she’s not having an aneurysm. Does anyone else smell burnt feathers?

Andrea starts hammering the pieces into place, and PP tells her to pretend it’s someone she doesn’t like. Carol is not intimidated. “If she wants a war, she is going to get one.” Oooooooooo! You’re so scary with your little hair bows.

The blue team returns to Hell’s Kitchen gloating, of course, and randomly shouting “Mazel Tov!” and “L’Chaim!” I love a gracious winner. They also fail to remove their sunglasses as they make their way through the dining room. Paula thinks that is so ten years ago. I think it’s just douchey.

PrettyGirl suggests they all take a dip in the hot tub. Ben agrees; he’s still feeling a little stiff. PrettyGirl tells us she is tying not to giggle like a little schoolgirl. I try to make it to the bathroom without throwing up all over everything.

The next day the teams have more than usual to prep as they will be serving the regular menu plus the winning dishes from the previous day.

Danny asks Ben if the bar mitzvah is “the chair deal.” Ben says, “Yeah, it’s kind of like the Jewish signature move.”

Ramsey gathers up the teams for the pre-service pep talk. “Tonight is a very, very special night for Max. More than any other service, ever in Hell’s Kitchen, we have to complete tonight.”

Didn’t he give the same speech for the Sweet Sixteen party and the Wedding? He thinks the dining room looks beautiful, and with that, they’re ready to let the guests in.

PP is welcoming everyone. And he’s wearing a basketball yarmulke. JP wants to know if that’s really necessary. “What, you don’t like it? It’s basketballs.” No, JP does not like it. Quelle surprise.

Max makes his grand entrance, and we’re off!

Andrea brings up the first appetizer for the red kitchen. Not enough mushrooms in the risotto! Back in the pan! Carol asks if Andrea wants her to make risotto on her side as well. “No.” Carol thinks Andrea is not working as a team.

On her next try, Andrea has mushrooms aplenty. The risotto is deemed acceptable, and the server is told to piss off.

Time for the chair dance. As the second part of their punishment, the ladies get to carry Max around in the chair. Fun times. Paula thinks he probably felt like a king. “Probably the last time that’s ever going to happen to him.” Bitter much?

In the blue kitchen, Sous Chef Scott is telling them to take advantage of this time and be ready for the first coupe of tables.

Hey! Did you know Ben is Jewish? He’s upset that he didn’t get to be a part of the horah. Seeing Max in the chair is bringing back fond memories of his own bar mitzvah.

Over in the blue kitchen, the men are trying starting to push out their appetizers. Ramsey’s waiting for two salads, one with no dressing. J brings them up, but they both have dressing on them. Uh oh, brain fart. Chef wants J to snap out of it.

C&A: “An hour and a half into dinner service…all the appetizers have been served. But Chef Ramsey will allow no entrees to leave the kitchen until the guest of honor has been served.”

Problem is, Coi has not yet started the burgers. She forgot. Ramsey? Not happy. Duh.

Luckily Max is too busy playing games in the dining room to realize he might be getting hungry. PP is also playing the games. JP is not on board with that. “The balls are here for the kids.”

Coi is hoping that if she makes perfect burgers, Ramsey will forgive her forgetfulness. Her hopes are dashed as she realizes the burgers are sticking. And cold. She decides to plate them even though they’re cold. That doesn’t seem like a solid plan to me. Carol thinks he’s not going to serve them.

Up to the pass they go just as we hear Max say “I’m hungry!” Hope you like cold burgers, son. Of course Ramsey catches that they’re cold and proceeds to call the entire red tem up to the pass to feel them. Told ya.

“Come on, Coi! It’s Max’s table!” He wants her to team to pitch in and help. “Why is no one talking to each other?” Yeah, Ramsey never likes a silent kitchen, we all know that.

Coi doesn’t know what’s going on, “When I pulled them off the grill, they were so hot. I would blink, and they were cold.” Finally Coi’s burgers are acceptable and so all entrees can now be released into the dining room.

Danny is ready with his first burgers. Oops, not yet. The bottoms of his plates are dirty. Danny assures us his station was clean, but on the way to get garnished they were being dragged through a bunch of shit. Ben tells us Danny’s a pig and his station was a filthy mess. How appetizing.

Back in the red kitchen, Coi has brought her brisket up to the pass. Ramsey say’s there’s more mash than beef. “More beef!” The women look like they’re really struggling right now, running around, and bumping into each other.
It looks like everyone is up Coi’s ass, and she tells us she almost blew up. I’m thinking that maybe she should have. Now LA is over at her station telling her how to slice the brisket. JeeeeSUS! Or should I say YaaaahWEH!?!

Let’s see if we can get a better brisket from the blue kitchen. Nope. PrettyGirl has brought up cold brisket. She thinks it sat there too long. Come to find out, the beef is already cooked, all she has to do is reheat it, and she’s not even doing that. Shine on, PrettyGirl.

Gio wants to know why she doesn’t turn her stove up. Uh, she didn’t turn it down, Gio! “For God’s sake woman, we’re reheating beef!” yells Ramsey.

Her teammates can’t believe the difficulty she is having in reheating the brisket. All the while Ramsey is yelling “Where’s the beef? I need a beef. Where’s the beef? Where’s the fucking beef?” HilAIRious.

We’re now two hours in. The red team is struggling to get the last of their entrees out. Coi calls four minutes for some burgers, and Chef Ramsey wants to know why so long.

And now Andrea decides she’s going to butt in, “Yeah, it shouldn’t be four minutes, those should be ready to go.” Shut the fuck up Andrea, no one asked you. Now she’s yelling out to Carol that the fries need to get seasoned. “Do you need me to season those fries?” “No.”

Andrea doesn’t let it go there. Now she’s walking over to Carol’s station, ready to do the fries herself because she didn’t see them getting done. Sous Chef Gloria actually tells her to back off. And Carol tells us she has never wanted to punch someone so bad in the kitchen before.

Despite the problems in the kitchen, everyone is having a good time. It’s almost cake time! PP comes up behind JP carrying the cake, and when JP turns around, he drops the cake on the ground. That looked totally fake. Not the cake, the cake dropping.

JP is pissed. “You stupid, you!” PP says JP startled him, he turned around so fast. JP has had enough of him. And when PP reaches out his hand to apologize, JP tells him to stop touching him.

Now that the cake has been “accidentally” ruined, the pressure is on to get the desserts out. It looks like everyone is doing a good job of pitching in and helping to make sure that happens. Dinner service complete!

Ramsey congratulates Max on his bar mitzvah, and tells him that he has “a very stunning little surprise for you.” I wonder what it could be?

It’s the Harlem Globetrotters! I didn’t know they were still around. Hmmm. I need to look this up.

Wow, I didn’t realize what an interesting history the Globetrotters have had. I’ve seen them on TV as a kid, of course (Robert mentions Scooby Doo, which they were on, as well as Gilligan’s Island and The White Shadow), but I was unaware of their roots as a serious competitive team. I love learning new stuff.

They bring Max out onto the floor with them to teach him some tricks. He looks happy and embarrassed all rolled up into one. It’s very cute.

As the guests leave and the teams begin to clear down, Andrea apologizes to Carol for jumping all over her about the fries. Carol tells us that Andrea was just trying to make other people look bad because she sucked on the risotto. What she tells Andrea is: “Oh, I wanted to punch you in the neck.” I love it!

The chefs line up to hear what Ramsey thought about the service. It was good, not perfect. Both teams were pretty even which makes it difficult to choose a winner and a loser. But someone must go home.

He’s basing his decision on performance and the level of fight back. Huh? What’s that, Chef? Who mouthed off to you the most? No. It’s “the level of determination throughout service.” That said, the winning team is….the blue team!

He deems Andrea the best on the red team because she did a good job at bouncing back. She has to nominate two people for eviction. Eviction? What is this, the Big Brother house?

The ladies are confused by this turn of events. They don’t understand how Ramsey has picked Andrea as the best. Understand it or not, you better deal with it ladies. Coi thinks that if she and Carol go up, they need to tell Chef how they feel about Andrea’s performance. Save your breath. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think.

As Andrea sits down with her team she tells Carol that what she said was inappropriate. “About the fries?” “About wanting to punch me in the throat, that was just inappropriate.” Carol apologizes. Insincerely.

Andrea is not letting it go that easily and now tells Carol it was unprofessional. Carol backpedals by first saying it was meant to be funny, and then saying she was treating Andrea like one of her co-workers. Yeah, I can see that. I always threaten to punch my co-workers in the neck. Don’t you?

BTW, Carol also thinks you sucked on the risotto tonight. Reeeooow!

Downstairs, Chef Ramsey asks Andrea if she’s made her decision. She doesn’t know. She says it’s hard to point fingers at people when those same fingers could be pointed back at her.

Ugh, why are you pulling his dick, Andrea? He gave you the responsibility, he expects an answer. “First nominee and why.” When she flounders some more, he tells her to fuck off with the mind games. She better be careful or he’ll be sending her ass home.

Her first nominee is Coi. “There’s been a couple of performances that weren’t quite up to par.” Second nominee and why. Her second nominee is LA. “There’s seems to have been 90% from LA, not a 110%, and it seems like she is performing as a line cook and not as a leader in the kitchen.”

LA is laughing while Andrea is talking, and Ramsey wants to know why she thinks it is so funny. She talks about how she does give 110%, but I think she is really thinking the same thing I am…..so much for not holding grudges, Andrea. I think that nomination is pure retribution for LA putting her up last week.

Coi and LA, step forward. LA…..why should you stay?

Coi? Why should you stay in Hell’s Kitchen?

Okay, he’s made his decision…but before he can announce who’s leaving, we hear….”Chef?” It’s Coi. And she wants to tell Chef Ramsey that she feels like Andrea was the worst tonight. He wants to know if she’s playing a mind game. Nope. It’s her honest opinion. What about you, LA? Who do you think was the worst? “Honestly, Andrea, Chef.” Carol? “Andrea.” Paula? “Coi.”

No shocker, Coi is going home. I really cannot fathom what they hoped to achieve there beyond looking like bitter little bitches. Like Ramsey was really going to say “Oh, yes, you are right, I was wrong, Andrea, piss off!” Idiots.

Coi is pissed that she’s going home, LA vows to step up as a leader, Carol will be watching out for Andrea going forward, and Andrea is pissed at her team. Should make for fun times.

Next time on Hell’s Kitchen…..Andrea and Carol fight some more, PrettyGirl possibly quits “for real”, Robert contemplates a career change to crack whore, and Ramsey yells “Get out” a shitload of times.

It will be the most “explosive Hell’s Kitchen yet.” Do they just have some intern whose sole job is to come up with adjectives for the following week’s episode? Where does one apply for that job?

Psst….Ben is Jewish. Thought you’d like to know.

SWAK, PottyMouth